The Last Place You Look
by Jasey Ray
Summary: Elisa Loren is always just "there." The one who goes unnoticed and ignored. And somehow she has everything she'd ever want. But as that all is ripped out from under her she finds herself falling for the last person she'd expect. Original story.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

It's almost fall. I can tell.

I sit down on the front of my porch putting my headphones on. I know it's the twenty-first century. There is iPods and MP3 players and all of that stuff. You can download everything so much faster on the internet. But I take out my CD player. It looks like the same one I had when I was eight. They can update any MP3 player. But CD players have been the same for eight years. I'm old fashioned I guess. I still buy those old things like compact disks and I don't own an MP3 player. I might as well be back in the 90s where I grew up.

But honestly, I think CDs are better than files on a computer. I just don't admit that too often.

Dave should be coming in a few minutes. Driving down my street in his camaro. But I always come out early and sit and listen to whatever CD my gut tells me will suit me best today. My father always told me to trust my gut. So far that hasn't let me down.

If you've never been to Kerrington or any place like it- you're really missing out. It's a small-ish town. Not tiny a-gust-of-wind-can-blow-a-feather-through-it-in-two-minutes type small. Just a suburban town. Except it might as well be two towns. Because everything here- in my point of view- comes in twos. There are two high schools; Kerrington High School and Coolen J. High School. There are two coffeeshops, two hardware stores, two grocery stores, two higher class neighborhoods, two Kelly/Kellie Drives with two different spellings. There is two of everything.

Kerrington High School is where I go.

There isn't much I have to say about myself except for my name is Elisa. I'm short. I always have been. Not too short. Just average. I look like I'm twelve. I have freckles still. And my hair is a light brown. I wear band t-shirts to school. And I love music. You ask anyone about me you'll get the same answer. You'll get that I'm quiet, shy and emo. But most likely the person you are asking will ask if you're talking about the Elisa Simmons who is dating Dave Mandeville. The answer is yes. I am dating Dave Mandeville. The last thing I have to tell you is that I am in love.

I've been dating Dave for four months. We met back in the beginning of summer. And since then we've been happy and in love.

I was at a show for his band Three Cheers with my best friend Cass. We were walking around and we ran into them and started talking. I'm usually really quiet and awkward around everybody. But Dave just started talking to me. It was strange. I didn't feel awkward or nervous around him. We just started talking. And then two weeks later we were together and we've been perfect ever since.

His car is red with black stripes down the front. He comes down my street pulling up to the curb where he always does. And I walk over and climb into the front seat of his car. He smiles and kisses me. "Hello," He says smiling kissing me again. His voice still gives me butterflies sometimes in the morning when it's so sweet and awake.

I smile back at him. "Hi," He starts going down my street to turn at the culdesac at the end. I shut my CD player off and slide it into my bag.

He sighs like he does every morning when I have my CD player out. A light sweet sigh. "You still using that old CD player?" He asks.

I smile quietly at him. "Yeah,"

"I'm buying you an iPod for Christmas." He says looking over at me for a quick second. I shake my head smiling he pauses at the curve of the culdesac. Not all the way around. He kisses me again. His lips soft and so sweet against mine. "My little minimalist." His hand goes onto my knee. And it stays there as we continue driving again.

All I need is Dave. To brighten up my day. And if my day is already perfect, I just need him to make it better. He's everything I'm not. Ying and Yang, Cass says. I'm quiet, he's outgoing and friendly. He takes the attention away from me. He is always happy when I'm sad. He's always there. He's everything I would ever want in a person. I love him in every way.

* * *

I'm not a huge fam of Public Affection as some may say. I really just don't like people watching me. And Dave. But in the mornings we always kiss. We stand on the dge of the hallways where we both go off in our different ways. He's a senior and I'm a junior. We don't have any classes together but nearly every lunch except for Day 7. I'm happy though that we can walk together in the halls if we see each other. And if not we'll see each other at the end of the day always because in the mess of the halls we always find each other.

There is a short walk ot my locker from where Dave and I always kiss in school. Except it seems much further because it's never not been crowded. And though the shoulders and heads of the people all around me- jocks, cheerleaders, druggies, nerds, geeks, and emos- I can always see Cass.

Her hair is dyed yellow and orange. Bright and radiant like her personality. It's strange how she's my best friend not some other quiet girl. I guess the reason she is such a good friend to me is because she's so different. She's like Dave. In so many ways she is just everything I'm not. She sees me coming up to my locker beside hers. "Hey," She says smiling.

"Hi,"

"Do you have your copy of _Catcher in the Rye_?" She asks quickly. The thing about her is she never does homework. She always saves a bit of it for homeroom. Always. No matter what. Usually it's English. I unzip my back pack and hand her my old faded and folded copy. It's ancient I swear.

"Ohmygosh, Thank you!" She takes it. "What would I do without you Elisa?"

"Your homework,"

She laughs and takes the book. "I was hanging out with Miles last night." She says. Miles is really good friends with Cass. You'd think they'd be going out or "together" but they're not. Their just friends. Miles is friends with all of the potheads and he's been straightedge all his life. He doesn't drink or do anything. He's also vegan and loves to watch movies. He reads Dr. Suess still because he swears it has a bigger meaning than a cat appearing into some kids' life who are bored on a rainy day. He and Cass just watch movies and talk and hang out while his friends are out in the woods somewhere.

"What did you guys do?" I ask emptyign my bag out into my locker. I keep it fairly organized. I have one of those locker shelfs and my mother is an organizing freak. Her label-machine is her best friend when she finds something out of order. I do it because organization is the best word for my house since I can remember.

"We watched _The Breakfast Club_ again." She says. "He loves that movie so much. No matter how unrealistic it is, he never get's sick of it. "

"Cool," I say.

"What did you do last night?" Cass sayd looking at me while I shut my locker slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"I talked to Dave and read a lot of _Catcher in the Rye._ I like it. It's a really good book." I don't talk much about Dave to Cass anymore. It's not that she doesn't care. She does. It's just she doesn't like Dave that much. I know she doesn't. She's never said it to me but it's clear. Her and Dave just don't get along. He doesn't like her either. So at least it's mutual.

"You could have hung out with em and Miles. Just call us. Or hey, I'll call you next time." She said. I know Cass is a good friend. And I love her for that. I'm lucky to have her. Sometimes I miss just hvaing a bestfriend. No boyfriend, but I love Dave more than anything. Without him I'm nothing.

Our homeroom is a mess. It's all football players who just walk aorund and hit each other and shove and yell and fight. It sounds immature and it is. But really you don't know how stupid it is until you sit back and watch them slappign eachother in the back with books. It's only like this is you have a sportsdriven teacher like Mr. Calliber for homeroom. It's a mad house. I have no idea how Cass can stand reading in this.

She manages though. I watch the news. And look around. Sometimes though, watching football players acting like compltete idiots is more enteraining than two nerbs and a video camera with cue cards or sittign at your desk doing nothing.

* * *

English has to be my favorite class. I read a lot. I always have. But I don't say much. Which is weird having it be my favorite class, but I don't talk much in any of my classes. We all sit down. Tired zoning out, it being our first class and everything. My teacher is Ms. Masons. She's pretty young and is a good teacher. She likes discussions.

"What did you think of the first few chapters?" She asks. Nobody raises their hands. It's been a month, we learn quickly. "Bennett what about you?"

If you live in Kerrington and don't know who Bennett Williams- I'm sorry- you must be living under a rock. It's almost like not knowing who Oprah Winfrey is or George Washington or Ronald McDonald. He looks up. He had been writing. Who knows. He's Bennett Williams. That doesn't stop people from using their imagination.

He is really tall and skinny. He is actually very good-looking. He has long dark hair, but I've never seen him up close really. His clothes are skin tight. He's about as emo as you can get in Kerrington. He plays music and reads peotry and is Ms. Masons go-to when we're not responsive. Not because he's always eager to say anything. It's just what he says.

He talks. Picking up on things I never got out of my reading. And talking about all of this symbolism and meaning. You'd think he wrote the SparkNotes to this or had them memorized in the back of his brain. We all sit silently. All listening. No matter how much you hate him. What he says you always listen to.

Ms. Masons writes some things he says on the board as he says them. When he's done she's busy still writing. Going as fast as she can to catch up. That's when some kid from the football team says it. "Faggot."

It's something you catch onto quickly when you're around Bennett Williams. You're likely to hear the word "Faggot" a couple times.

"Alright," Ms. Masons says. "Any comments on what Bennett just said."

Some hands raise. I keep mine down and sit silently for the rest of the class. Letting the nerds and geeks talk. It's funny how Bennett Williams doesn't say anything after that. He just shrinks back. And sits quietly. Like me. But it's stupid comparing myself to a legend.

It's like comparing myself to Van Gogh.

* * *

Dave always seems to find me. Without him I think I'd just get lost in the crowds of people in the hallways. He runs up to me. Always and slides a hand around my waist. "Hi," He says. He kisses my cheek. "How was English?"

"The same." I say smiling a little at him. He always gives me butterflies no matter what.

"I know. english is such a drag." He says looking forward in the halls. When we walk he says Hi to at least five or seven people. Anyone who looks at him and lifts an hand in a wave he syas Hello to. I feel like the girl in all of those High School movies who finally finds the perfect guy and they walk down the hallways together.

I would never say that to anyone. Because first of all that's just plain cheesy. But really it's a great feeling. Especially when I'm with Dave walking down the hall. Because there's nobody I'd rather be with.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

I always get home around four when Dave drives me. From school we might go someplace and hang out with some of his friends. He's friends with everyone I guess. More the popular kids than the "losers". But most of the people he hangs out with are very nice. I am just usually uncomfortable shifting from group of friends to group of friends with him. It's embarrassing because I forget most of their names. Not that knowing them matters. They just know me because I'm always just there. Standing beside Dave and putting a quick comment in the rare moments I must.

I've always been quiet. I take after my dad. He was the quiet and thoughtful one out of my parents. My mother was like Dave- loud and friendly- and my father the same as me.

The funny part is my older sister- Amber takes most after my mother.

Amber is tall, gorgeous, and looks much older than she is. The opposite of me. We're more like cousins than sisters. She isn't home much. She is in college living the college life. But in high school she was the reckless one. A new boyfriend every month. Sneaking out. Beer. Everything. Amber managed to master it with the occasional stumble and hiccup. But she's my sister. The friend I didn't chose- who was always just there. My mother isn't home much either. She works full time. When she is it's strange. We live in a huge house alone. Just the two of us. Not being able to deal with each other face to face and one on one most of the time. Ever since my dad left.

I don't remember it much. My dad leaving. It jsut sort of happened. With a quiet climax climbing and climbing while I silently slept in my bright blue bedroom listening to Amber giggling on the phone to whichever boy she had interest in that week or month. The silent wars. Between the two people I thought loved each other most. I woke up one morning. A grey Saturday in March. And my dad was sitting drinking his last cup of coffee from the mug my sister promptly smashed screaming about how he was deserting us.

And my father and I remained quiet. While my mother and Amber yelled and screamed. We were all unhappy that morning. And I guess it lead to him driving away. And the silent wars took over my house. My sister was always gone. My mother worked a lot. And I sat in my silence. Age eight. Wondering if my dad would ever come home and that envelope with the divorce papers was really just a letter from him saying he was sorry. But I never saw him again.

I think of all things in my childhood that made me quieter the most.

* * *

When Dave drops me off. I go into an empty house. It is new so the stairs don't even creak when I go upstairs. The frames holding our memories are the past eight years of my life. I- unlike most kids who lost a parent to divorce or death or failure -have no picture of the four of us. Us four Simmons. When we were happy and I was young and I looked my age- not six years younger.

Out of my whole house. My room is the only one that's truly mine. I painted it green when I was thirteen. I still like the color. In my house my room is the loudest of all rooms. I walk right in and turn on my stereo playing whatever CD I burned the day before.

My room has a computer. A window. A bed. That's all I really need. I don't own much books. I just own a million CDs. My mother gives me a lot of money. She always feels bad. I don't need much stuff so when Cass and I got into music we started buying CDs. It turned into a habit for me. Cass stopped when she ran out of money buying red hairdye. After that she bought bright clothes to match it, and her personality. Me. I kept buying CDs.

By now I own a hundred. I don't just buy them at the record store in the mall here. In fact I would. They own a lot of CDs. But I buy a lot of my stuff online. Or wherever.

When I was twelve Amber was listening to this band Jimmy Eat World. I liekd them. And I liked bands that sunded like them. Then I liked bands that sounded like tohse bands. And so on. And Cass liked that music too. And we started tlaking about music and everything- because in middle school she was friends with everyone and I was friends with a tight group of girls that I would later forget about. And Cass and I became best friends.

Like we've been ever since.

But sometimes being alone is soothing to me. I sometimes like just sitting burning CDs or finding a few I want to order over the internet. I don't know much of anyone who likes music the same as me. It's because I'm so quiet, I need sound to fill that emptiness.

I don't tell much of this to Dave though. Partly because I don't have much of a story about my dad worth telling- I just know I loved him like all little kids love thier fathers and partly because he doesn't want to listen to what music I like. When it comes to music, he only gives me a hard time about my CD player and tells me when his band is playing at the club downtown. I don't think I need to tell Dave everything to love him. Most of the tihngs I haven't told him- I think- will jsut make him love me less.

It's a scary thought. The end of the year. Because when it comes he'll be graduating and I'll still be in Kerrington hoping he won't dump me for some tall gorgeous college girl like Amber who looks her age and doesn't have freckles. I'm scared he'll dump me before then. Because when it comes to relationships Dave is more expirienced, and I'm scared I won't be enough.

I try not and think about these things because I love Dave more than anything. When my phone rings and I see his name my heart skips a beat and I answer. "Hello?"

"Hey," He says, I can always hear him smiling. His voice just sounds a different way when he does. I can always hear him smiling when I answer the phone. I hope he can hear me too. "What's up?"

"Nothing," I say sighing. "I'm just doing homework." I tend to tell little lies here and there, because Dave isn't all that into music even though he's in a band- and I don't want him to ever realize that I might just be his little emo girlfriend. I don't think he ever will though. I think he loves me more than that.

"Same," He sighs. He is still smiling. "So," He continues. "Tomorrow we're playing the club after all."

"I thought all-ages night was cancelled?" I ask leaning back against my computer seat.

"Turns out they couldn't get enough advertisment around and the band they had bailed out. So we got a call a half our ago- or Peter did but turns out it's on." Peter, Ace, and Cam are in the band with Dave. They are also his best friends. Or at least I know Peter is. "So, if you were already planning on going to a party with your friends..."

"No," I chime in before he goes on. "I'll go." I don't make plans on Fridays anymore. I hate calling Cass and telling her I'm choosing to hang out with Dave or go to _this_ party with Dave when she's going to _that_. In Kerrington there is a lot of parties because there are a lot of kids here that are in high school and a lot of kids like having parties and a lot of kids like going to them. I never thoguht so many parties existed. But since Dave is friends with everyone he always finds ones to go to every Friday.

"Cool," He says smiling again. Grinning. "We have to go early, the club owner wants to talk to us. So you're gonna have to go one your own- I mean I don't want you to get bored while we talk about like sets and stuff- but I'll find you okay?"

"Sounds perfect." I smile my best and brightest. Hoping he can hear it through the phone the same way I can hear him smile.

"Elisa, I love you so much." He says suddenly. His voice a little lower and softer. My stomach catches butterflies and I smile a little. My cheeks burn. I don't have the ability to blush but I can feel them burning when I would have if I could.

"I love you too," I say back.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I dig my keys out of my pocket. I have a small car that I got from my mom when I got my license. I'm not a very good driver. It's because there's always that "If" and I am always scared more or less of the drivers around me. It's only six but it's gettign darker earlier. I pull out of my empty driveway. It's Friday, and my mother is usually out on business trips or working late. She works for some huge ocmpany and is some high role or whatever. I'm not too sure what she does. I just know she's never home and I always am.

She won't let me get a job and when I ask she just gives me more money. Always just gives me more money.

The club is downtown. It's not that crappy it's just small. But a lot of kids from school and Coolen always go and see Dave's band. Three Cheers is a pretty big thing. But when I walk inside, I always jsut fit in right away. Sure there are a couple cheerleader-esque girls and a football player or two. But other than that I fit in with everyone else. I'm just Elisa. These people don't care if Dave is my boyfriend. I just look like any other one of them. But theres more people than there usually is.

I walk along the side calling Dave's phone to see where he is. I usually go back to their dressing room- a small puke-green painted room with a foldup table and a couch, with them before. But I'm sort of late so I don't know if I'll find him before.

He answers though. "Hello?"

I can barely hear him. But somehow we manage to find each other. He kisses me in the shadow. Not to show off. "Hi," He says smiling. I answer him with the same word back and he takes my hand and we go backstage. I know my way around by now. I just need Dave to bring me or else I might get in trouble by Deb, the man who runs this club on all ages night. He is named Deb. It isn't come sick nickname Dave and his friends dubbed him or anyone else. It's on birth certificates and his license and IDs and everything. But Deb likes me. He just forgets sometimes when he's had a drink or two.

Dave leads me past thier normal dressing room. It's full of these other kids. Seniors probably form Coolen. We go to another room. It's beige but turning gree which disgusts me more than the puke-green I'm used to before Dave goes onstage.

There are two girls. They go to Coolen- Charon and Mindy. They're always backstage before a show. I think their "with" Peter and Ace. I don't really know because Peter sleeps around with a few girls at a time and Ace isn't any different. The room seems happy. They pass around a slim bottle of liquor.

I sit next to Daveo n one of the two(!) couches. His legs against mine and his hand around my waist. "So," he says smilign at me. "What do you think of the recent upgrade?"

"It's nice, what's all this for though?" I ask him.

"We got the official time-slot. Forty-five minute set tonight if the other band is good it's permanent." Peter shouts out. Everyone is excited. One of the girls- Charon falls onto Peter's lap. They get comfortable.

"What's the other band's name again?" Mindy asks loudly.

"Caustic." Ace says.

"Thomas Welker?" She asks. Ace nods. "He's so hot."

"Heard they've been sucking lately though." Charon says loudly. "One of them was dating Rainie Joseph- got dumped."

"Go figure," Mindy says. "Slut."

Everyone knows Rainie Joseph. Just like everyone knows Bennett Williams. She's suppsoed to be gorgeous. Not just pretty-pretty-big-boobs gorgeous. The real kind of gorgeous. I've never seen her. But I've heard more stories about her than anyone else from Coolen. Cass said if I saw her I'd just know who she was.

Peter sits up, pulling Charon up a little touching under her thigh. "Now, now." He said. "Let's not be judging the poor girl." He smiles evilly though. "I have seen her tohugh, god that Thomas Welker guy get's all the girls worth-"

"No, it was the guitarist." Mindy says.

Charon wrinkles her nose.

Dave takes the bottle of liquor and takes a sip. A hard one. Then he offers it to me. I don't drink much really. But I feel awkward being the only one who hasn't taken a sip. I take the bottle and pour it in my mouth like water. It burns like fire. I'm not much of a drinker but I've grown to have the throat to handle it. The burning I mean.

I hand it back to him. And he sips it again. I only take one sip. Then without a word he just kisses me. His breathe thick with alcohol already. Dave isn't that bad of a drinker. But if he's drunk I am scared of him. He is really sloppy. And I usually take him home.

* * *

We listen to Caustic play. They are actually very good. I'm not allowed to say this but they are beter than Dave's band. Especially tonight because Dave isn't that good of a singer when he's buzzed. I saw the guitarist though. As unspoken as he seems onstage, he's very good. But you can tell. He got dumped by the prettiest, most talked about, most legendary girl in Kerrington.

Dave holds me close to him. I never want him to let go of me. I love Dave. If we ever broke up I'd be worse than that guitarist even though he lost Rainie Joseph. Because I'd be loosing the first guy I ever loved.

When Dave's band goes onstage I move into the crowd. Being cramped in between person after person. A few peopel are leaving and moving away from the stage since Caustic murdered the crowd. But everyone else I've been in this crowd before. I'm in my place where I always am on Friday all-ages night and the Northeastern club. All of us waiting for Three Cheers to come on.

Even they had been blown away by Caustic. They decided they had to be better than them to get thier forty-five minute set every all-ages night. And when they go on they do just that. Dave sounded like he hadn't had a single drop inside of him. The room lite up. I even saw the band Caustic come out and watch them. All the Caustic fans converted and fused into us. Dave always finds me in the crowd and looks at me. Chooses me to keep eye-contact with. Out of everyone. And that's when I think I love him most. Because I always get this amazing feeling inside of me when he always picks me out of the crowd. And smiles whenever he sings certain lyrics. At me.

It's the greatest feeling in the world.

* * *

"I want to go!" Charon whines. She loops her arms around Peters neck. "Let's go to that football party you were invited to."

"Yeah," Mindy says. "Can we?"

"We totally should," Peter said.

Everyone agrees. Dave looks at me. He leans in sliding his hands around my waist. "Let's hang out just the two of us." When he says it it's cute. But I always feel a scared nervous pang in my chest. I nod. "Okay."

We all leave splitting off. The equipment in the back of Cam's van. He doesn't say much- Cam. He's softspoken. Not very social. But he has a van and carries equipment and everytihng. I sit in Dave's camaro with him. And we drive a few blocks off to the cemetary whcih is where he likes to go when we're going to be along. Just the two of us.

He plays soft music. CDs I don't like but never have the guts to crutique. And he leans in and kisses me softly. I kiss him back it's fine for a few minutes. Mt hands in his hand. His move to my waist. And his tongue fills my mouth. I love Dave so much. It's moments like this when I'm more aware of how quickly I could loose him. Because I get very immature. He kisses me hard. His lips moving to my neck. I don't like when this happens. He's bigger than me. I'm twelveyears old practically.

I shake. I really do. He holds me tighter.

This is the only time I'm ever scared of Dave. I love him so much. It's just when he has complete control over me. Kissing is just fine. But he wants more than that.

I only need to know he loves me for me to be satified. I'm never sure what Dave needs. I hope it's just that I love him and I care about him more than anyone. But especially when it's just the two of us do I highly doubt it's just that.

I really do love Dave. You need to know that.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I went to Cass' house. Her mother was asleep and I went in through the basement. I found her and Miles frozen on the couch in rigid positions their eyes wide. They saw it was me and began to relax. I never usually scared them and I don't do this as often as I had in the beginning of the summer when Dave and I were just starting our relationship. Cass sighed. "God Elisa, you scared the shit out of me."

Miles sat back. "How was the show?" He asked.

I waved to them. "Good," I walked over to the unoccupied section of the couch. Cass sat foreward and took her clicker and paused the movie they were watching. It was _Heathers_ I think. "They had this other band- Caustic- open for them."

"Oh, I've heard of them." Cass said. She settled back. Relaxing. Miles nodded, "I've heard of them," He said. "They play the church a lot. I like them. They're pretty good."

I nodded. "They were really good." I thought about that guitarist. Shrunken and small looking. Staring down and focusing. He was so hurt. I coudl tell jsut watching him in my mind. I decided not to talk about that though. Especially to Cass and knowing it has to do with Rainie Jospeh she knew the story- she had too. Miles probably knows the kid and it would turn into a big discussion. I was tired. My stomach felt sick.

"Hey, you okay?"

I looked up. Cass was looking at me protectivly. She had a sad look in her eyes. I shrugged. "I'm okay."

She didn't say anything. She just got quiet. Miles stared at the screen a girl frozen liek a picture. I always thought when movies were paused they were always paused mid-word. But here she just had this natural line as a mouth. It could have been a picture. She looked so quiet. So natural. Not saying anything but her eyes they wanted to say something so badly. I thought she looked familiar. But I've seen this movie so many times. It was stupid to say she looked familiar.

Cass always figures everything out. You don't need to tell her anything. She always knows whats wrong or whats up. She knows everytihng except for academically she doesn't bother. She should be a therapist and know what's happening to the people who turn to her for help. I told her that a couple times. She just laughed and thought I was kidding. People always think your kidding when you say stuff liek that. I'm not that funny- and of course Cass knows that- I'd tihnk she come to the conclusion that I was serious after the second time I said it.

I watched the rest of the movie with them. I really like _Heathers_. I wish I could take a stand to those people who kicked everyone down like they do in this movie. I don't think I'm strong enough. Nor would I ever care. I have Dave to protect me. Nobody even notices me sometimes. I don't think they ever will bother me.

Miles went to the bathroom and I sat with Cass. She was quiet.

"Elisa, I'm so scared for you." I looekd at her. Cass was never scared of anything or anyone. Let alone scared for osmeone else. She was always so brave. She never said the words I'm Scared. Never. She was Cass. She never had a use for them next to each other or in the same sentence liek this.

"What?" I said. My voice was shriveled up.

She moved closer to me. Hugging her legs. She was wearing shorts. It's hot in her basement. Her thin legs are pale and freckled here and there. She doens't have a single freckle on her pale clear face. "Dave's going to hurt you someday I know he will." She said softly. "Elisa, if he's hurting you you would tell me right?"

At first I had been stupid enough to think she meant hurt me emotionally like Rainie Joseph had hurt the guitarist. I could have easily corrected her. Only to convince myself what I said was true. But Cass meant the other kind of hurt. "Cass, Dave would never hurt me."

"I know you think that," She said. "But really you don't know. He's so much bigger than you."

I stared at her. Here she was telling me she thinks my boyfriend might hurt me. I thought I was the only one who was supposed to worry about something like that. This was Cass. If she was scared that means it was serious. But I couldn't believe her. Dave would never hurt me. I convinced myself that. Miles came back into the room, he sat where he had before. And settled in. "Okay, ready?" He asked. Then he saw how shaken Cass and I were. "Did something happen?"

"No," Cass said. I saw her wipe underneath her eyes quick. Was she crying? And then she hit play. I didn't think it was that serious. But I was a crappy friend that night. I didn't want to know Cass was crying. I told myself she hadn't. And I jsut watched the movie and left. I didn't want to know if Cass was crying or not. If she was it would have scared me.

I felt sick though. In my gut. I felt discombobulated and gross. I wanted to puke. But I just went home and called Dave. We talked until two in the morning. "Dave," I said softly. "I love you."

"I love you too." He said the same way back.

If he meant it half as much as I did he could never hurt me.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

The front door opened and I heard my mother's voice coming up the stairs along with her flat business woman shoes. "Elisa! I'm home." She comes to my room tapping lightly peaking through the crack I left in my door knowing she would be coming home. We follow the same routine. I jump up trying to act cheek-pinchingly happy. I love my mom. I think it's only because I have to though. I feel guilty about it but she's never around enough for me to ever miss her or love her more than I have to.

I open my door for her and she comes in. I remember when I was little and I used to run downstairs when she just came home from work squealing and attaching myself to her taking in the smell of this perfume she stopped wearing. What happened?

We sort of just stand awkardly in my room. I go over to my bed and busy myself taking out a math book as she fiddles with a ceramic turtle Cass gave me in 8th grade on my dresser. "How was you trip?" I asked.

"Fine," She said. "It was incredibly warm..." I tune her out momentarily. It's natural for me. It's like when your sleepy and trying to read and all you read are words on a page and you forget what just happened. You absorb nothing. I was listening though, I just didn't absorb a single word after 'incredibly warm.' "...how was your weekend so far?"

"Good," I say turning to her and wlaking towards my computer.

"How is Dave?"

I smile. "Great," I say. "His band had a show last night and this other really good band opened for them." I feel more comfortable talkign about Dave to my mother and people like her. I don't really like the attention. In fact I prefer talking about other people over myself in any situation. I don't like too much attention at all.

"That's good." My mother says not really understanding anything about music. "Is the other band in high school too?"

"Yeah," I say putting my math book at my computer desk. "They are from Coolen, the one across town."

"Well, that's good." She says awkwardly. You can tell my mother's a business woman. It's the way she doesn't seem "cool" or "hip." I'm not saying she's lame or I'm stuck in 1979, but she's just a dull business type person to begin with. She used to have color and wear sundresses and pick out cool outfits when her, Amber and I went shopping but when my dad left she went grey. Woman's business suits and black-rimmed glasses instead of contacts. "Did you eat yet?"

"No, I was waiting for you to get home." I say. I don't hate my mother I just don't love her more than just a mother. I care about her. And I'm just trying to be a good daughter. Knowing she might love me the same as me.

"I'll order chinese or something," She says taking polite steps out of my room. "Is that alright with you?"

"That's fine." I say nodding.

Then my mother slips out of my room. And I'm alone in the quiet. I walk over to my stereo and crank it up. She doesn't yell. My room barely lets any sound escape from it. Amber used that more to her advantage than I do. But I just like it because I can make it as loud as I want it and nobody will be bothered by anything.

* * *

Dave picked me up at seven. We went over Peter's house. Everyone is in the basement and talking. Oddly enough Thomas Welker- the lead singer of they band Caustic is there. We all sit around and drink and talk. I don't drink much. In fact, I don't drink at all. Dave has one or two. Him and Thomas are in deep discussion about what's happening each all-ages night now.

"That club-owner-guy..." Thomas said.

"Deb..." Dave adds for him.

"Yeah him! Said we had the half hour set before you guys."

And they talk about music. The funny thing is neither of them listen to anything good at all. I'm waiting for someone to say they listen to Sunday Drive my favorite band or at least The Get Up Kids. But they just talk about radio stuff and cheesy metal. I sit and listen politely. Not prepared to jump into any discussions about which Slipknot record is better- I don't even like Slipknot, they're a joke to me. And they talk about The Who and U2 and Third Eye Blind. I don't say anything. I never do.

"What are you talking about? They're 2002 release just kills their 2000!"

"Shut the fuck up! Are you kidding?"

"No! God, what kind of garbage do you listen to anyway?"

When it comes to music Dave and I are on two different platforms. But nobody ever said you need to have everything in common with someone to care about them. Dave and I just generally like music. We can listen to one or two recrds together and not both cringe. But other than that we don't need anything like music to have good conversations. I stay away from touchy subjects. Like my dad leaving.

Dave's parents are the trophy husband and wife. His father is the newsreporter for Sports on the local news. It's a pretty big deal and everyone knows him. Dave takes after him most. His hair and height and eyes. They look identical. And Dave's mother is the newsreporter who smiles and gawks about weather and traffic and news stories. And sports! If I could depict a perfect cookie-cutter husband and wife it's Mr. and Mrs. Chamberlain are it. I think Mrs. Chamberlain is actually very nice. It's Dave's dad I'm always a little scared of. He's so loud and newsreporter-esque in search of a better word.

I don't know. If I go on about the mess with my Dad leaving and all Dave might get creeped out and just say he doesn't understand. All he's known is his perfect parents in his nice house and tuning into the 6 o' clock news. I just know my mother working and me sitting in my quietness.

Of all the little knick-knacks in my life I think that turtle Cass gave me and I have most in common. I remind myself of a turtle. I always inch into my shell when I'm unsure about people. I find myself doing that less around Dave and Cass. But with people I don't know well I'm deep inside peeking out of my shell. I'd trust Dave or Cass with my life. Not so much anybody else.

"Elisa!" I snap out of it. Dave is looking at me sitting foreward about to get up. "Hey, do you want me to get you a drink?"

I shake my head. "No, thanks though." I said.

"Are you cool chilling here for a quick second?"

"I'm fine." I find myself using 'fine' a lot in my responses to those types of questions. It's a squeaky clean word. Shiny and fake. But Dave kisses my lightly on my temple and gets up to get another beer. I sti alone because Charon and Mindy don't like me very much. And Other than that there isn't many people here I can just walk up to and smile and say Hello. I wish I wasn't so shy when I'm sitting alone on a couch not drinking and waiting for Dave to come back.

Whenever I think about Dave and I breaking up i realize how dependent I am on him. Without him I'm nothing. But I hope that never happens.

Eventually he comes back with nothing to drink. He has his keys though and he swings them around on his finger. "Hey, uh, instead do you want to go grab a quick cup of coffee?" He asks.

"Sure," I get up and we go out to his car. There's a coffeeshop five minutes away. He can drive that far it isn't much of a drive at all. And we sit and drink coffee and he talks about how he likes Thomas Welker and how he and the guys should hang out with them more. I smile and nod and sya he seemed nice. And then we talk about school and how we both like this year so far.

He reaches his hand across the table and covers my hand with his. "I think this year is going to be special for us both." He says softly. My heart races in my chest and he leans over the tiny square of a table and kisses me softly.

I feel so warm inside. Like I'm smiling and can't stop on a sunny August afternoon.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

On Mondays I think everyone is awake by third period. Today somehow I feel extra refreshed. Sitting up and paying attention to the monotone voice of my histroy teacher and not loosing the gist of what he is saying. Beside me this girl- Rachel takes amazing notes though. All through his class. Of exactly what he's saying- Mr. Barry. And even today I copy her notes. She doesn't mind. In fact she likes knowing she has notes good enoguh for me to copy. Not that it's some honor.

I think Rachel likes showing off how freaking smart she is.

She's pretty and smart and a cheerleader. Boys just lover her. Cass says it's because she has big boobs and that boys could give less of a shit about how smart she is or how symmetrical her eyebrows are. It's the boobs. But I like sitting next to her. Her notes save my butt when tests come around. I have a perfect ninety-seven thanks to her.

When Mr. Barry finishes early she talks to me a little. I'm sitting next to her why not. She asks if I went to the away game. Obviously my answer is no. I just shake my head and say "Couldn't make it." And she'll go on talking about it. I don't mind. It gives me a story to tell Cass and Miles after school at seven when- if I'm not with Dave we sometimes hang out. They love Rachel-stories. But I odn't tell them to sound funny. They just seem odd having Rachel Salenik talking to me about football games. Me of all people. I jsut nod and smile and answer her yes or no and one-word-required questions.

She's in my English class which follows history every single day. And she walks with me to it finishing her story in time to ditch me at the door to English to run back to her cheerleader friends or flirt with the football team's running back. Sometimes even Ms. Masons to compliment her on a cardigan or the reading last night. I jsut go and wait for Cass.

Class starts with Ms. Masons going up to the board and pulling up the overhead projector screen revealing a question. We're supposed to be read up to chapter 10. But it isn't one of those reading check essay questions. It's one of those think compositions. _Which part/secion/idea do you think you relate to the most? _

We all look at Ms. Masons and wait for instructions. She just makes a goofy hand gesture like 'hurry along kids, shoo' like mother's do in all of those Little House on the Prairie movies when they shoo the children out to play. We all take out papers some get up to get some. Chairs scraping and binder openign and the clasps busting open and shut. I get up and get paper for me and Cass. I'm in the short line behind Bennett Williams. He's pretty tall. Towering me over even when I'm standing behind him.

I sit down handing Cass her sheets of paper. And I chew my nail a little thinking. Chewing my nails is a bad habit of mine. I think. And I come up with Holden's brother- Allie's death. I look around at everyone else writing. The only one who hasn't started besides me is Bennett Williams who is sitting catching me lookign at him. Peopel always say they feel people lookign at them, and by chance they look right at you if you're looking at them. I look down quickly.

And I put a date on the top of my page. So it doesn't look like I'm hiding in my shell or feeling like I need to blush when I can't.

_So far in the book Catcher in the Rye, by J.D. Salinger, I can relate to Allie's death the most. Holden felt a lot of pain losing his brother- who he loved and thought was a great person. He took his anger out by smashing all of the windows in his garage and breaking his hand. Allie was an innocent type of person- or at least that's what I got out of Holden's description of him. He liked poetry and was always sweet. He was taken away becuase of reasons Holden cannot understand. That is what I realte to most. When I was younger, my father was a great person to me. He was a great person and father. My parents' divorce gave me a similar feeling to Holden's. I lost my father- not to death but to other reasons and I don't quite understand why. My dad and I were much alike. We are both quiet and conservative. When I read the part about Allie I thought about my father a lot because I haven't seen him since the divorce and I miss him if that's possible._

I reread this. Over and over again. I didn't know what I meant in it. It was short but I got my point across. Kids were all getting up and handing in their papers to Ms. Masons. I got up too. Mine not much shorter than the others. Ms. Masons smiled at me thanking me for my paper. And I mumbled something I'm not quite sure what and I went back to my seat. Staring down at my folded copy of _Catcher in the Rye_.

So much guilt was welling up inside of me. Regret. I shouldn't have written about my father. Why didn't I jsut write about Ackley and how I find it hard tolerating people I don't neccessarily like. I shook my head clear and opened my folded old copy to page 107 where I was a good forty pages ahead of everyone else.

And I started reading. I love this book a lot.

By page 120 Ms. Masons got up in front of the class. "Alright," She said. "So, here's my goal. By Wednesday- since we don't have class tomorrow- I'll read through all of these. And you'll each be put into a group, where you are going to talk about why you wrote abou what you did and for what reasons. I know some of you were really into this, so I hope you like this. I'll try and do this once or twice before we reach the end of the book. And if you like it we'll do this all year. But i'll have your groups Wednesday."

Rachel raised her hand not waiting to be called on. "How many groups do you think there will be?" She asked.

Ms. Masons shuffled the papers in her hands quickly once. "About six or seven maybe. They won't be large. Maybe four or three student per group."

In her mind, I watched Rachel take note to this and we all waited for Ms. Masons to go on. We did grammar. Moans and sighs moved across the classroom and Ms. masons ignored them asking up was a Predicate Nomative was just for a review. We know nothing.

She just milks us for answers. No matter how much she loves Bennett Williams she doesn't call on him once. Teachers are strange sometimes.


	7. Chapter 7

October.

Chapter 7

Two days passed and it was October. As well as Wednesday. Cass picked Ackley as her part she related to most. Unluckily or luckily Rachel picked Allie's death same as me. If more people like Rachel picked that part I don't think I'd be able to deal with myself. Today, I just don't feel like I want to tolerate people like Rachel. Choosing that part about Ackley seems so appropriate today.

Ms. Masons is a little sick so she jsut hands up back our papers. Written across mine is red cursive: _Very well done Elisa, this was a pleasure to read. Why don't you take part in the discussions in class?_ I look at the number in the same red ink. Group 7. I sigh and look up and around. Everyone is reaidng thier papers written all over with red. Mine has not a single correction.

"Alright," Ms. Masons says. "Get together with your groups already."

I feel bad about how unrespondent we are as a whole class. The nerds jump up and clump together. Rachel calls me over to her cluster of seats. It's a cluster of five. Rachel sitting at the head and me to her right. I carry my folded old copy of my book. And I jsut sit. Not saying anything looking down at the horse on the cover. I have no idea what it means. It's obviously part of a carousal. I just have no idea what that has to do with Holden.

"Group 7?"

"Yeah," Rachel says.

A girl sits down diagonal to me. She has so much eyeliner on and looks tired as hell. "Look, I wrote my fucking paper on my goldfish dying. I have no outlook on this pile of shit and words whatsoever."

"Alright," Rachel says annoyed. She can't stand people like this girl. I find her somewhat refreshing. She drops her head into her arms and makes a heap on the desk. She falls asleep quickly. Barely moving.

I look back down at the horse.

"Is this group 7?" I don't look up.

"Yes it is." Rachel says.

"Cool."

Ms. Masons isn't in the mood to spark deep discussions. So she hands out worksheet, very non-Ms. Masons-esque. Rachel doesn't respond to the rest of us once she has it in her hands. She jsut starts answering questions. Not talking ot the other three of us. I fold my cover back and forth where it is worn and flapping freely. It becomes addicting and mind-blowingly boring somehow.

It's mesmorizing also. Not really. It's jsut an old worn out book cover.

"I love Dashboard."

Those three words catch me off-guard. I look up. Shock fills me to no end. I hope he can't see it on my face. But you'd be surprised to if Bennett Williams commented on a band to you- especially if you doubted he knew you existed. I don't respond quickly which he takes as a sign I didn't hear him. Or he thinks I'm stupid or slow. "Dashboard Confessional," He nods at my shirt. "I love them."

At least I don't look down right away. "Yeah," I say. I catch how cocky I just sounded. "Me too." I bow my head in embarrassment. Hoping I'll just regret this later maybe shrug it off.

"Did you see them over the summer?" He asks, still going. Bennett Williams is starting conversation with me of all people. I don't remember what concert he's talking about. Actually I call concerts "shows" but I can't think of it.

Then suddenly I remember I went with Cass catching her throwing her bright hair over her shoulder. "Yeah," I say.

He keeps eye contact with me- Bennett Williams does. And he leans forward interested and motivated to keep the conversation going. "I missed it. I didn't have enough money that week to go. I had to see Sunday Drive that weekend."

"I love Sunday Drive." I catch myself saying.

His eyes light up. They're so sweet and brown. He smiles. He is so good-looking it's almost intimidating. But you'd imagine he'd be so emo he jsut depresses you or so cocky you can't stand to sit near him. But no. Bennett Williams just seems like an honest to god nice person in the few words I've said to him.

"Are you serious?" He asks. "I didn't know anyone here liked them. A few kids form Coolen do, but not many. Wow. Wait, here's the important question: which record do you like better the old one-thier first that's all acoustic- or the newer one?"

I think it over. I can't believe this. Bennett Williams is looking and talking to and smiling at _me_. "The first one." I say.

His eyes brighten even more. "Have you ever heard it on vinyl?" He asks.

I shake my head.

He falls back a little. "Aww," He ends up leaning more forward than he had before. "You've never heard it unless you've heard it on vinyl."

"I'll try and listen to it on vinyl sometime." I say smilign a little.

He smiles back at me. "How about Dashboard?" He says. "Which record do you liek best from them?"

I pause. "_Swiss Army Romance._" I say.

"I've been obsessed with _The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most_ since the first time I ever heard it. I always thought that was a different sort of level about _Swiss_ but I see where you're coming from."

That girl with two much make-up picks her head up and rests her chin in her arms looking at us and listening. I feel awkward now. Bennett doesn't notice it.

"What else do you listen to?" He asks.

"I've been listening to the Get Up Kids." I say after a few seconds of thinking. I feel sick in my stomach. So nervous and jsut not believing this is happening.

"'I'll Catch You' was the first song I ever learned on acoustic guitar." He says. "I wish I could have seen them live so badly."

"Me too,"

Rachel finsiehs the worksheet I guess. She looks up and listens.

"I've been listening to a lot of Deth cab for Cutie," Bennett admits nodding calming down a little. He seemed excited talking baout sunday Drive with me. It's so strange how we're feeling such oppossite emotions right now.

"I've heard of them!" Rachel says proudly.

Bennett just ignores her. "Do you like them?" He asks me.

This is a dream. I know it is. No boy would ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever-ever chose talking to me over Rachel. This was Bennett f*cking Williams. I feel a little thrown off right now. But I think and try and come up with an answer.

"Aren't they that emo band that was on Th O.C?" Rachel asks.

Bennett exchanges a look with _me_. I smile a little looking down at my book. I look up and see he's smiling too. "Yeah," He turns slowly to Rachel. "It is."

"I loved them- the lead singer is as ugly as sin though."

Eye-liner girl sits up straight. "You know what Rachel! Why don't you go back to the top of that fucking pyramid you sit on every second of your life and leave them alone. Can't you see they were having a conversation? Oh, wait, no you can't. You're ego doesn't let you see that a boy- heaven forbid- doesn't want to get into your pants all of a sudden. Nobody wants to listen to you go on about whatever shit you cheerleaders talk about." Then she just dropped her head.

We all jsut stared at her for a few seconds. Rachel shut up though. And Bennett exchanged another look with me. I'm trapped in an alternate universe aren't I? But no I don't tihnk I am.

"Okay, everyone get back to your seats." Ms. Masons says.

I get up taking my book and sliding in my chair. "We should talk about music some more," I look up Bennett is standing too. "You have great taste."

"Thanks," I say. Quickly I add "You too."

He smiles again and I walk back to my seat in a bubble. I feel like i'm on drugs or something. It's a miracle. Bennett Williams talked to_ me_. It jsut hurts sometimes when you hit reality after somethings liek this happens. I'd rather things like tht don't happen to me. Becuase I regret a lot of the things I said or did and I worry about if it was worse than I remembered. But it was one hell of a story to tell Cass in math. I have to admit.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

I sat across from Dave in the coffeeshop downtown. It was busy and we were both exhausted. We waited for them to get us our coffee but there was only two kids working. A girl with a lip ring and a boy who had huge wire-rimmed glasses. They ran back and forth. Cranking out coffee after coffee and bagging donuts faster than the speed of light. I watched them. Rushing.

Dave was sitting there looking at me. Not saying much because he was exhausted. The reason we went to get coffee.

He leaned onto his elbow. And shut his eyes for a few seconds. I smiled. "Come on," I sighed. "You're never this tired."

He smield a little. "I was studying all last night."

We had been "studying" last night. Soemtimes we got work done but more often we just kissed or sat around and talked. And last night wasn't any different. I leaned foreward onto my arm same as him. And he smiled kissing me softly. We went back ot sitting quietly as the world rushed on and on around us. Screaming orders and the bell announcing when everyone was coming and going through the door. It was the beautiful kind of chaos.

I looked out at the coffeeshop watching the chaos weaken slowly as the two people working caught up to the crowd demanding caffine and food. Dave's hand slide over mine. I looked at our hands. His were a little bigger and darker than mine. But together they were a perfect equation. Coming together and making everything work out. I smiled to myself. And we jsut sat there for another minute before the boy with the wired-rimmed glasses shouted that our coffees were ready.

Dave jumped up. "I'll get it," He said. And he came back with two to-go coffees sitting down again across from me. He checked his cell phone. "We have fifteen minutes. Want to jsut hang out?"

"Sure," I said. I sipped letting the warm caffine fill me and wake me up. Starting my morning with my favorite person in the chaotic beauty that was Carol's Coffeeshop in downtown Kerrington. I felt warm inside.

It slowed down immensly. To the point where the place emptied in five minutes leaving me and Dave and a few others talking casually and sipping our coffee waking up slowly and much quicker than we ever would after yet another week. I think- for me at least- it's October where the year really starts for me. I feel like nothing's new suddenly. And I find my bearings easily and just know everything like I had the year before.

The bell rang and two kids walked in. Dave leaned forward into me. "Geez, that kid's such a freak."

I turned my head just a little catching the outline of Bennett Williams walking in with his friend. Right up to the counter. His friend was much smaller than him but they dressed the same. His friend smiled warmly and leaned over the coffeeshop counter to the girl with the lip ring. He kissed her. And I watched them. Bennett Williams did to. Watchign the two of them say hello, but I was too far to hear anything.

It was cute. Bennett's friend and the girl with the lip ring.

Dave finsiehd his coffee off. I turned away from that couple and back to Dave. Where I belonged. "You all set?" He asked.

"Yeah," I said. He offered to take my cup to throw it out. I handed it to him. It was getting a little colder. I zipped my sweatshirt up and took my bag pulling it over one of my shoulders. Dave came back taking his bag and doing the same. We walked out. We gained the attention Bennett's friend and the girl with the lip ring had as we walked out: Dave's hand sliding aroudn my waist and kissing my temple. Of the few people watching I noticed Bennett Williams was watching us among them.

It felt strange having Bennett Williams watching me with my boyfriend. I had forgotten we had even talked the day before in English about music and Sunday Drive. But him watching me and Dave didn't confirm it happened. So I still believed it had been a dream or something. Because that stuff never happens anymore.

* * *

Cass sat up when I walked into homeroom. "Where were you?" She asked. "You usually are never this late." I looked at her. Cas is never usually a wreck in the mornings. I sat in my seat dropping my bag onto the floor.

"Dave and I went to Carol's." I said. "It was so busy this morning, they only had two people working there this morning."

"I hate that. Miles and I went- when was it? Two weeks ago- they were dying. So many kids go there. They are looking for people to work- hey! you should get a job there!" Cass knows about how I want to get a job somewhere.

I shake my head. "My mom won't let me." I sighed.

"Why?" She asked. "My mom pushed me to get a job at Payless so hard."

Cass works selling shoes to little kids three days a week. I shrugged. "She just gives me more money. She doesn't want me to have a job." I said.

Cass thoguht this over a little. "Maybe you should just get it without her knowing?" She offered. "God, you're always interested in gettign a job. Why don't you work there?"

"I couldn't. She'd get mad." Of all the things I do in the relationship between me and my mother- I don't go behind her back ever. I try and be the best daughter. The opposite of Amber. The one she always expected me to be. Gettign a job behind her back will jsut piss her off. I know it. Cass just dropped it there when the school news came on.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

It's always weird when I come home and my mother's there. Sitting in her office or watching foodnetwork typing onto her labtop or on her cell phone. She always waves or says hi. She's ask why I didn't invite Dave inside sometimes- because of all things my mother loves Dave more than anything. All of Amber's boyfriends were given fake hospitality but Dave is welcomed inside without even a second thought.

Today she's in her office. "Hey, Elisa?" I turn back towards her- I was jsut starting to walk out. "Amber's coming home this weekend. We're going to dinner on Friday, I'm sorry if that gets int othe middle of your plans with Dave."

I smile a little to reassure her. "No it's fine." I say.

I was going out with Cass and Miles to a show in the next town over. But my mother hates Cass. She hates her hair and her independence. It's just natural. Cass loves my mom though. I find it funny sometimes becuase my mother can be really "phony" and act like she likes Cas when I know she's over boiling with hate inside.

Cass answers her phone the second ring when I'm upstairs. "Hello?" She says.

"Hey," I say. "Guess what?"

"I don't know what?" She gets excited. She loves surprises, Cass.

"Amber's coming home tomorrow. I can't go to Natick."

There is a heavy sigh. Her excitement is smashed. "Damnit." She says.

"I'll talk to old Nanc." She says. "She'll let you come with me and Miles once i'm through with her."

"Nah," I say sitting on my bed. "Nancy isn't in the mood."

"Damnit." Cass has two little brothers. Their twins and love her to pieces. Amber and I just don't fit together. She's the opposite of me in a bad way because I'm being what she isn't and succeeding. I think it hurts her. Because my mother forces that on her. _Elisa did this, Elisa got on the high honor role. Elisa did that. _It's no wonder we don't get along. But Cass and her two brothers, Andrew and Sam are probably are completely fine together.

If you're wondering- I probably do envy Cass. Her confidence. Her family. Her choices. Her personality. Everything. I wish I could be. But really I can't. I'm wedged into this shell and this life to hard to get out. And I'd be to scared to do things like her. Her mother and her don't get along at all. She reminds me of Amber only with dyed hair. But I have Dave. I have my mom. And I have all I ever reached out to get. I don't need much more. It'd be selfish if I did something that would make me a tiny bit like Cass. I'm supposed to be just me. This is who I am. I can't be anyone else.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I stick my fork through another tortellini. My mother's going on and on about me and everything. And Aber is sitting politely ripping apart a roll viciously. I'm assuming in her eyes it's my mothers head. But her voice keeps going. Rising and falling as her bracelet clinks her glass of water and she pauses to take a sip.

"But Dave is a wonderful boy. You've met him once right?"

"That really cocky kid with the loud voice?" Amber shoots at my mother. She's pissed.

"Amber!" My mother says her eyebrows going down in dissaproval. "Apologize to Elisa."

"It's fine." I say. I don't blame Amber. She's jsut irratated. "Really."

"Okay, mum, go on." Amber says.

"Well, he and his band play at the club downtown. Every other Friday and they're good I hear." My mother goes on and on abotu Dave. How he's such a nice kid. I lean onto my arm. My hand over the side of my neck even though my hair is down and it covers the mark. He gave me a hickey which is disgusting and uncomfortable to know it's there. I feel like dirt. A slut. I take my glass of water and sip it. Feeling the skin where it is. I listen to what my mother is saying and try and forget about the Dave that gave this to me.

Amber watches me. She's older looking now. She looks like she goes to college. Her second year. I look down at the puddle of sauce with the rings of tortellini buried inside. I'm not that hungry. I sit back a little and make my hair cover my neck while I reach into my pocket to text Dave again. My mother's too wrapped up in bragging about me to my only sister making a relationship long dead get shot even more and more.

"Elisa? Why aren't you eating?" I look up and see my mother looking at me. Amber sips her water. Watching me with both of her golden eyes. I blink and then slide my cell phone into my pocket again as I slide my chair in a little more.

"I'm not hungry." I said. "I had a big lunch." I barely ate lunch. I just sort of sat there and listened to Dave tell a story that left the whole table alive and in hysterics and I was jsut there. But I really am not very hungry. I alreadt forced down a roll and about half of the plat sitting in front of me.

"Do you feel sick? You look pale." My mother leans forward to feel my forehead.

"I'm fine. Don't worry." I say.

Then silence slips over the table. I fiddle with my knife while Amber spins her spaghetti and my mother watches both of us. This is what we've become. The silent wars still raging within all of us. The thing that's really bothering me is the empty seat. They sat us at a table for four. It's more than uncomfortable seeing that seat who could have belonged to my dad, had things stayed "okay" like my parents had said they always were.

* * *

We were in the parking lot when my mother got a call. She walked off. And Amber and I stood there outside of the restaurant awkwardly in the rectangle of diagonal yellow lines painted on the driveway. It was cool out. And the stars were visile under the layer of invisible clouds the weather caster reported right before we left.

"Sorry about what I said about Dave." She said shoving her hands into the pockets of her thin coat. I looked at her. She was much taller than me. She was so much prettier than me. And perfect.

I smield a little. "It's fine."

"I only met him once, I shoulnd't have judged him." She said. "I know what it felt like when I brought home boys and you and mum didn't think they were good enough. Dave sounds like a good kid. I'll try and meet him again this weekend."

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "Sure."

My mother came back. "Sorry," Her cheeks were flushed and she had just been bickering into the phone. "I have to go to the office for an hour or so. I'm so sorry Amb."

"It's okay." Amber said crossing her arms. She looked at me. "Let's go home, weren't you supposed to be going out tonight or something?" She checked her watch. "There's still time for you to go out-"

"No," My mom said. "Elisa's staying in tonight."

"Okay," Amber said. "Bye mum."

And my mom was off. Her heels skuffing the pavement as she took of briskly to her car where she left right when we got into Amber's jeep. "So, mum was pleasent tonight." Amber said sarcastically fixing the rearview mirror as I buckled my seatbelt. Even if we have a little tension Amber still offers a little friendliness towards me.

I nod. "Yeah," I said. "She's never that bad."

"You aren't me, kid." She said backing out of her parking space. That statement hangs in the air. I hear it all the ride home. Even when she makes me choose a radio-channel. And she tells me about the cool college one she listens to a lot. I just nod and say the appropriate one-worded replys. She says she plays some music there sometimes for this station.

I didn't know she even liked music. I just nod too then and hear it over and over again. _You aren't me, kid._ I understand it slightly knowing Amber's sneaking out her slipping into the house stumbling and her laughter in the living room when she had a boy over and how it silenced suddenly for tens of minutes. I'm not her. But that doesn't mean my mother loves Amber less.

When we were little in our neighborhood when there were no kids our ages we played together. We fought once about who mum and dad loved more. Back when they were "mum and dad" and we were just Lisa and Amb. We would go right to the source. "We love you equally." They'd say. We never believed them. But now when I'm this old I do. Even though my father left and my mother's overworked. She hsould love us the same. She should just love us differently.

I say nothing. And jsut let _You aren't me, kid_ swallow me over the indie music Amber is tapping her fingers on the steering wheel to.

We got to our street but someone is standing on the dar corner right before it. Amber waves for them to pass. And as they pass the headlights I study the figure with shock and silence. He waves to us. But his eyes glue to me. A sweet brown. From his hand dangles a guitar in a nice leater case as he hurries pass. I watch Bennett Williams disappear into the darkness on the other side. Right as he passes through the shower of the street-light located on the inside of the sidewalk.

"Whose that?" Amber asks.

"Bennett Williams."

"Whose that?" She repeats.

"Bennett Williams." Is all I can say. And we drive in silence Amber accepting it. Bennett Williams. What more is there to say?


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

"Hello Nancy!" Cass said with so much enthusiam my mother flinched. She physically flinched. I held back a little laugh, and said hi to her in a normal voice.

"How's it going?" Cass sasked beaming at my mother.

"Fine," My mother can be so fake sometimes. She gave me a look and I got Cass upstairs in two minutes into my room.

I closed the door to my room so I didn't have to hear Amber on the phone with one of her friends. When Amber was seventeen my mother removed the door to her room letting her loud overpowering phone-voice reach my room unless I shut my door, only then it was muffled. But I could still hear every word she said if I was in complete silence which I never was in my room.

Cass jumped onto the couch I had pushed up against my wall. It's big and squishy and was moved out of my living room a few years ago when my mother redecorated. It had absolutly no smell to it. It's amazing. But Cass is the only person who really sits in it. I never need it. It's always jsut there. "You're mom loves me!" Cass says. The sad part is she's serious.

"I know," I say turning so she still can't tell if I'm sarcastic.

"What's it been like with Amber home?" She asks taking my response as agreement.

"Dashboard or Death Cab?" I ask.

"Death Cab," Cass says. I hit play playing _Plans_ softly so I can some up with my answer. What it's been like with Amber home: loud, irritating, and full of tension.

"Weird," Is all I can say. "I mean, her and my mom have been trying not to tear each other's head off. They were fighting last night about how Amber _still_ has no door and how the treadmill is now in front of her window."

Cass laughed. He was laying down on the couch. "She's going tonight though." She said. "She has classes tomorrow, right?"

"Yeah," I said. "She's going actually in a few hours I think. I don't think she can deal with my mother one more second."

We were quiet for a second. I sat on my bed with my legs crossed and my feet bare. I have crooked toes which is why I wear sneakers non-stop. I'm scared people will see my crooked little hump-backed toes. But Cass doesn't care. She doesn't care about my deformed toes. "Where's Miles been?"

"He came over yesterday," She said turning her face towards me. "We read Dr. Suess. And he explained it to me. Man, he was right about how that stuff has real poetic meaning to them instead of just a giant cat breaking into a house and playing with two kids. I'll have to explain it to you sometime. I forget what he said."

I smiled. "Sure," I said.

"Why do you never hang out with us anymore?" Cass asked. "I mean, I get that you love Dave and that you guys are 'inseperable' but where does it say you have to forget about you're best friend?"

"I didn't forget about you. We're hanging out now." I said.

"But we used to be inseperable, Elisa, we don't even spend half the time we used to hanging out. You missed the greatest show ever Friday. I feel like I'm dating Miles now." I smiled, and she did too. "Which you realize is ridiculous."

"I promise, we'll hang out more." I said.

"Ten bucks you had a more meaningful conversation with Bennett Williams than me." She said.

"I didn't. We just talked about music." I said, my face getting serious.

"I still can't believe you talked to him." She said. "You could barely form a sentence the first itme we talked to Dave and you had a conversation with the hottest kid in Kerrington without slipping into a coma. I'm impressed. I would have fainted probably-"

"No you wouldn't have." I cut in.

"-well, maybe not, but I wouldn't have been as calm as you probably were." She said.

We didn't say anything for a few seconds. She's brought up my conversation with Bennett Williams a couple times since it happened. I have trouble remembering it happened. But we change the subject after that. "Are you up to your reading _with Catcher in the Rye_?" She asks.

"Yeah," I say. "You?"

"I don't like it." She said. "I mean it's okay but I'm so behind and it's such a hard book to read. I can't get through a chapter." She sighed. "I need help Elisa."

And we go on talking about _Catcher in the Rye_ until she's all cleared up. And by then she needs ot go home. And I need to get ready to go out with Dave to go to get something to eat. We say goodbye. And I'm in my room alone. With the second Death Cab For Cutie album finally ending and leaving me in silence.

Elisa Simmons True Confession: I secretly despise the silence that is trying to take over my life.

* * *

I sit across from him in a little diner on West Street. He's tellign me about this huge fight he had with Thomas from Caustic about their set. And all of this shit. And how he started fighting with the guitarist. The one who I'll always picture hurt and broken by Rainie Joseph. I feel weird always remembering him for that.

I sit nodding.

"That guys Thomas though is an ass." Dave says. "Excuse me," He means for calling someone an ass. I don't really mind, but Dave always catches himself and is polite about it. "But he told me I needed to have a reality check, and that our band isn't that good and eventually we'll go back to our old set and they'll take ours. I mean, he's so arrogant and cocky."

I nod. "He sounds like he is."

"God, and that guitarist kid was telling me to lay off. He thinks he's so cool 'cause he slept with that Rainie Joseph and tries to be a peace maker. Those guys just annoy me. To no end."

"They sound like jerks."

A group of kids are seated in the next table over from us. It's a group of some of the meo crowd form Kerrington. That boy who is dating the girl at Carol's with the lipring is among them. And they are all talking quietly and smiling. As Dave is talking. I look over occasionally. Bennett Williams isn't with them. But they are all just talking. Among themselves not bothering anyone.

I turn back to Dave tohugh. Because the thing he's been going about is finally ending to a point I should add a comment. "... what's-his-face-" The guitarist I know from half-listening. "-looks like shit though. I mean his girlfriend dumped him. Big deal."

"You don't know what happened though, Dave. He looked really hurt." I was shocked I said this.

But Dave is only for a short second. He just looks at me. And he covers my hand with his. "You're so nice, Elisa. Sorry if it isn't right for me to say that now but, really you are just one of the sweetest girls I've ever talked to." He leaned across the table. And kissed me.

I felt like everything faded when Dave kissed me. The voices of the table of the emo-crowd softened, I felt numb, and it somehow got lighter around us. But Everything got back to normal, excpet the voices of the table of the emo-crowd stayed soft. So I think that was just a weird coincidence. Probably like when you say sometihng like a joke and across a room a person bursts out laughing. They didn't hear the joke- it was just a little ironic. And ironic stuff I think makes everything seem more special than it might be.


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

For the next two weeks all I was hearing baout was this huge-ish party that was supposed to be Friday the 17th. Everyone that had anything to do with the emo crowd or that was invited was going. Dave and I were going. Cass and Miles were going. And everyone was talking about it. There were rumors that the jock-cheerleader crowd weren't allowed to go. That there was going to be so much alcohol nobody wouldn't be drunk. And that there would be no way it was going to be crashed. Because it was in this house deep in the woods and nobody was oging ot get caught. No way. Even if it was crashed: "by the time the police started down the driveway the whole house could be empty and everyone hiding in the woods." Dave was excited. And so was everyone who was going. Even Cass.

I wasn't though. I don't like parties with so much alcohol because Dve drinks alot and he sometimes decides to drive home. The party is far from his house which mean most likely I would end up driving his car which I am horrible at. And he will be all over me. When he's drunk he lets loose. That's when I think Im' scared of him most.

He picked me up for the "party of the year" and I was tense. "What's wrong?" He asked softly stroking my face.

"Nothing," I said. "I'm fine."

"You sure, you look pale." He said.

I didn't know I was pale. I jsut felt like puking and throwing up my guts and my stomach felt so shaken up. I smiled to reassure him and he took that and he kissed me. I kissed him back. And we went to the party of the year.

The driveway was a mile long. We walked it in the dark. His hand slipped around my waist. We were a little late so we were mostly near the ned of the line of cars. It was eight. And the party started around seven. The house was real nice looking. Wooden and lit up. Full of kids. You could hear drunk couples giggling in the woods and there were pleanty of red cups I could see walking up to the party even before we were inside. It was everything it was expected of.

We didn't stay upstairs though because the more popular crowd was downstairs. Which meant all of Dave's friends and a select few jock-cheerleader type kids. All talking and drinking. Having their own little party. And Dave was the social-light. And I was his girlfriend. His hand stayed around my waist and he'd kiss my temple when he needed to. It was perfect.

But I started getting hot. Even with a drink in me. I was burning up.

* * *

Sweat was on my forehead. I felt it in cold beads. And I was a little dizzy. I needed fresh air. This air was full of smoke. And I was so hot. I looked at Dave. "I'm-I'm gonna' go get some air." I said. I stuttered more than I realized.

He looked at me. "Damn you look so pale. I'll come with you." He said.

"Nah, I'm good." I said. "I'll go alone." I wanted to just get outside. I didn't need him slowing me down. Notthat I think Dave slows me down. But he'd have to talk to someoe and I'd end up going alone anyway. Save him the trouble- I did.

"Are you sure," He touched my face. "...You don't look alright, baby."

He never called me baby, but I didn't want to call him out on that. I jsut nodded. "I'm sure. I'll be right back." I said.

I went upstairs. Dodging a giant drunk kid. And walking along the sides. Nobody noticed me. I can be a wallflower if there ever were one without even trying sometimes. I just felt so sick. I got lost in that big house. Too many people. But I wove through them. All drunk or drinking. I found a porch eventually. It was out back and it was deserted because the door was near impossible to open. But I needed the air that was through that glass. My forehead in a cool sweat and my fingers itching for fresh October night air.

It felt so good stepping outside. I took deep breathes of it. Letting it cool myself off. And I brushed away the cool water on my forehead. I wondered how pale I looked. I took my cell phone out, it had a mirror-like front. And looked at myself. I didn't look that pale. I was just a little off-color. I pressed a button. 9:01 filled my screen in big black numbers surrounded in white.

I put it away and looked into the dark world outside of the dim porch I was now standing in.

Something moved in the corner of my eye. I turned to see a silhouette cowering against the post on the stairs was there. I lost my breathe. Shocked. I wanted to scream. I must have lost all color. And my heart must have given out. They stood up suddenly; a tall slim tree that towered over me from about six yards away.

I was tense. Rigid. They stepped foreward. More under the light of the small light bulb in between us. All blood that had rushed to my head was now moving down to the rest of my shell-shocked body. The first thing I saw was blue, purple, and red sunken into someone's skin. It was Bennett Williams.

"Sorry," I said turning to go.

"No," He stopepd me. "It's fine... Elisa?"

I would have kept going and syaing I should just leave him alone, but he had said my name. I never told him my name ever. Did I? He knew it and said it with a sepcial spark to it. I turned more towards him. He dropped his head letting his hair fall into his face. An attempt to cover his bruised eye. It didn't work. But he looked as scared as I probably did. I felt bad for him. He looked so hurt.

I tried to think of something to say. But I just couldn't think of anything. He beat me to saying anything.

"I figure you've heard about what happened." He said.

He meant his eye. His swollen hurt eye. I shook my head. It was more a shock to me than him himself. "No, I haven't." I said. He looked at me suddenly. Almost shocked. "You don't have to..."

He stepped towards me a little sliding his hands into his jean pockets so they were flat and only his finger tips here in them. He stared out into the black beyond this porch. I figured he didn't want to tell me. But he just cleared him throat. "I'm assuming," He said softly. I stepped closer to hear him better. "You know who Rainie Joseph is." I nod even though he isn't looking at me. His voice is so fragile and shatteringly quiet. I take a smaller step. "Well, we we've been friends for over a year. And I guess I sort of fell for her a long time ago. I just never told her I liked her because she gould get any guy she ever wanted. And near last winter she hooked up with my best friend- Sean. Weird as it sounds," He sighed. "She chose Paul Spinella. I really felt bad for the kid when they started dating because he obviously liked her a ton. And it's Rainie. I figured they'd break up soon. Turns out they fell in love." He smiled a little. "I mean, big deal? They aren't really in love, right? But I mean, I saw it all. It's not just kiss-kiss-I-Love-You. It's probably as close to the real thing anyone this young can get. But she had a lot going on and she broke up with him beginning of this year." Bennett stepped closer to me a little babystep. He was still staring into that blackness. "And she came to _me_. Not because I was a good friend. But because she needed Paul. I tried to be Paul for her. And she was getting smashed a lot and we were hooking up. And she was being _so_ hard on herself. She _loves_ that kid so much. And tonight, I don't know what happened but she came to me again. And I don't know- I just couldn't be Paul anymore. I mean they're both killing themselves witohut each other. I work with Paul. He's a wreck. And so I told her I needed to stop. And she snapped. Ran out. Everything." He looked at me suddenly. "And she ran to _him_. And I said something I probably shouldn't have and he punched me."

His eyes were in a different language. They were so complicated and deep. I had no way of translating them or understanding them. They were unreadable. He looked down at the ground. "As stupid as it sounds. I got punched on purpose. Because they just loved each other and needed each other. I just did what I thought I needed to which was getting punched in the face." He laughed because of how pathetic he must have thought he sounded.

"Are you okay?" I asked. He looked at me blankly. And then he blinked hard and very suddenly. He winced.

"Yeah," He said softly.

"You must have really like Rainie." I said.

He thought about that. "She's jsut one of those people you fall for no matter what." He said. "She's a beautiful person. Have you ever met her?"

I shook my head. "I've heard about her a lot."

"It's funny how people know so much about her or know her and still they jsut never get her at all. She's just so hard to fully understand. But I think Paul figured her out easily for some reason. He saw everything coming or he thought he did. And he knew exactly what was going on with her the whole time they were together. At least it seems like it. She never stopped talking about him this past month." He smiled a little at this.

I nodded. I understood that.

"I won't be hearing the end of this party for forever." He said.

"Why?"

"I," He did air-quotes suddenly, "'tried to get her to sleep with me.'" He dropped his hands and dropped his head again to get his hair over his eye again. "I brought that on though. I just really want them to work everything out."

I nodded. "You did something I don't think me or anyone else could have done." That just sounded necessary. "It's one of the most unselfish things I've heard someone do in a while."

He just looked at me quietly. His eyes still in another language. He didn't say anything for a while. "I don't know why I did it. To be honest. I doubt I would have done this a coupel years ago." He looked back into the darkness. "Before I was an emo 'faggot.'"

I was quiet suddenly. I looked at the ground. I must be going crazy I said sometihng I _should not_ have said. "When my dad left my family; I got really screwed up. Not really, I just got really quiet." I mean this is Bennett Williams. Jesus. "And I don't know, I don't hate who I am. It's just I could be a completely different person if my dad hadn't left. I'll never now. And I never will. We can't control who we are."

"I did. Somehow." He said. "I was just this baseball guy. And suddenly I got into music and I just became who I am. And I don't know. I wouldn't want to be anyone else really."

"I wish I could have had the chance to do something liek that." I said softly. "But I have all I really need. I mean I have a best friend and I have.. Dave."

He opened his mouth to say something but he held it back. Then I swallowed this lump in my throat. "Do you love Dave?" I heard him ask.

I blinked. I hesitated. "Yes, I think so." I said.

He nodded looking out into the darkness.

"It's weird because of everything sometimes I'm scared of him most." I said.

He looked at me so differently. "Elisa..."

"Elisa!" We both looked. It was Dave. "There you are! God, you've been gone forever. I've been looking for you."

I turned to Bennett Williams quickly. "Sorry,"

"It's fine," He said.

I went to Dave. Not realizing this tether I had to him until then. Pulling me back to him when he held his hand out. I looked back at Bennett who watched us with sad eyes. Hurt eyes. I wondered what he was thinking. But his eyes were still so unreadable.


	13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Dave tocuhed my face. "You look better. The air helped, huh?" He seemed out of breathe. His hair was all screwed up and he was a little flushed. He must have been drinking.

"Yeah," I said. "It did."

I kept seeing those sad eyes. I didn't believe what had jsut happened either. Bennett Williams had opened up to me. And I had told him something I completely regretted. Now I'll be the creepy girl who came out of nowhere and dumped all of her issues onto him. I looked at Dave though. And I remembered what I had said to Bennett about loving Dave. I had been so dumb. I love Dave. He kissed me shortly and took my hand and led me back downstairs. It didn't get hot as it was. And I stayed down there with everyone.

Dave slipped me off into the corner and he started kissing me. I was nervous and shaky. But we finally got back to the party. Dave got really drunk though. And I saw Cass she was drunk too. Everyone was. Except me. I wondered if Bennett was still on the porch. Thinking about Rainie. And Paul- The guitarist. I hoped they worked everything out. Because I knew Bennett got hurt for them. So they could figure everything out. He knew they loved each other. I wondered what he was going to say to me after that Elisa... or if he knew Dave and I were in love. I figured he must have a little. At least sensed how much I cared for him and he cared for me.

I don't think he did. He didn't look like he did. Plus those eyes were getting to me. Those sad eyes.

When Dave kissed me I tasted alcohol. It was late and Dave was drunk. So I took his keys and we walked to his car. I sat him in the back. And he felt really sleepy. He took some pills. I was nervous. I drove to his house. His parents were dead alseep by then. Always were and always let me slip him into the house. Which I did.

Tonight though. I didn't have a ride home. Cass was off my list. Miles was probably taking care of her. And that left nobody.

I kissed Dave goodbye. He reached out for me but I slipped through his arms like air. And he called out for me. I left. It was pretty cold. And I walked home.

* * *

After a little while your legs go numb. Your hands get codl even in October. But you stop contolling what your tihnking. I counted the streets I passed. But other than that my mind drifted from one thing to the other. I was tired. It was like sleep walking without dreams.

I thought about Dave and me. And how perfect we were for each other. Then I was thinking about Bennett. He was a legend. I had my place. I belonged with Dave. Nobody else. Who was I kidding. Bennett and I would probably never share another second together. Then I started thinking about graduation. Dave was going to college. No doubt in my mind. And I was going ot be in Kerrington for another year. Seeing him go would probably hurt so much.

It was an hour walk. And when I got home I collapsed onto my couch. And woke up with a blanket on me. My mtoher in the kitchen making coffee quietly. And trying not to wake me up. And I jsut closed me eyes. Thinking how if Amber did this she'd scream her head off and liek she did that time- rip off her door and take her car. Me she didn't wake me. gave me a blanket.

_You aren't me, kid._

I'm not. But I wonder what it was like in Amber shoes. I'm missong out sometimes I think of the expirences.

It was so quiet in my dark living room. But I stayed paralyzed my face buried into a pillow and my legs tangled in the fleece blanket I had on. _I'm not you, _I thought. _but at least you were somebody._

I sat up stretching. My mother tiptoed in. "Elisa, honey, when did you get home last night?" She whispered looking at me.

"Not too late."

"I didn't hear Dave's car." She said. She wasn't even concerned. Her face was steady and unchanging. Not even a pang of worry was inside of her.

"Oh," I yawned.

"What did you do last night?"

"A coupel of Dave's friends had a party." I said. Lying to see if she cared.

"That sounds nice." She said smiling. "Make sure you're getting home on time tohugh. I'd hate for something to happen to you." Her voice was so warm and pleasent. Like a friend not a mother. Like a sister. While Amber treated me more as a daughter than my own mother. Mum probably thoguht I was jsut Elisa. The quiet daughter. I think I must take that for granted.

I smiled. "I'm gonna' go sleep in my room." I said getting up.

"I'll be in the office until six." She said. "Call me if you need anything. I'll bring home dinner, pizza good?"

"Sounds fine," I said going upstairs.

"You're such a good kid, Elisa. If only Amber had been like you."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14

Mrs. Masons had been sick all last week from Wednesday. Finally today she wasn't here. We had to do grammar worksheets but nobody was. We were all over the place. Cass wasn't in school either. Mental Health day of course. It wasn't planned. She just called me this mornign and told me that miles and her were oin to skip school. She never spent this much time with miles before Dave and I started dating. But now they are what we once were. She invited me, but Dave was trying out for the "Variety Show"- our school's version of a Talent show, and I promised to be there.

I sat in Enlish though. Reading the fifth to last chapter in _Catcher in the Rye_ as slowly as I could. Trying to make it last. The chair slid out in front of me. And I looked up it was Bennett sitting down. His eye was still screwed up. Purple and blue and red jsut the same, but less swollent just darker. "Hi," He sia.d He jumped right in not lettin me tihnk very much. My head drained of oxygen and I felt funny liek I always seemed to feel around Bennett. "So, do you like Death Cab for Cutie?"

I have ot admit I felt more relaxed than I usually do around Bennett. I was stiff though. I didn't get why he was talking to me at all. I nodded. "Yeah," I said.

"Have you ever listened to _The Photo Album_?" He asked. I must have been drawn to a blank. "Their 2001 release."

"Oh, yeah," I said. "I think so. I think I own it."

My sentences was choppy. Pauses in between words. He didn't notice. "The first track 'Steadier Footing' is all I can listen to right now. I'm obsessed with that record all of a sudden." He said.

"I think I remember that song. It's really short, right?" I said. I felt calm. Much more quickly than before. Something about Friday must have made this easier, talking to Bennett Williams wasn't close to comparison with cuttin my spinal chord. It more or less just caught me off guard.

"Yeah," He said nodding smiling a little. "It's like-" He thouht about it for a short second. "A minute and a half."

"I'll listen to it again." I said. Then I looked down at my page, half-finished. It suddenly seemed less interesting, this book. I stuck my thumb in my place and closed it looking up as he started talking again.

He looked quieter. Smaller. His eye was the least of my focus. "Rainie and Paul worked everything out." He said.

Soemtihng inside me told me I was the first person he told. It was the way he said it. How he watched the words hang in the air with me. I wasn't the creepy-girl-who-dumped-her-issues-on-him. I was sometihng different. "How did you find out?" I asked.

He didn't look up. He stared at a fixed point on the desk in front of him. "I've worked with Paul at the record store in the mall," He shifted lookin up at me quickly. Then down again. "And I was just listening to a record I just bought, and- I don't know -he knew it and we talked. It was weird because we just sort of never got alon because of Rainie and everything... but I asked him and he said they were back together and comepletely fine now."

"How about you?" The voice coming out of me was so different.

This time he just looked at me. "I'm really happy for them." He said. "I don't know why." He sighed to add sarcasm. "My eye hurts like hell too."

I smiled a little. And he smiled a little too. I looked down pushing hair behind my ear.

"Where are you in that?" He asked. I looked up seeing him looking at my book.

I opened it up a little. Forgettign suddenly where I was. He must tihnk I'm so dumb. "Holden's home and is talking to Pheobe." I said.

"Oh yeah," He said. "I love that part on more than anything. I never get sick of that part on."

I nodded. "This is my first time reading this." I said.

"Really?" He said smiling a little more. His smile was so much brighter suddenly. "I don't like admitting it but, I _hated _it the first time I read it. It was the end that made me like it."

And suddenly we started talking. About _Catcher in the Rye._ And I didn't realize it but we did. When the bell rang I went into the halls and Dave was there. Bennett was walking in front of us. "Faggot." Dave spit out at him.

But Bennett just ignored him.

And suddenly I was back in my place.

The universe was where it should be.

* * *

**A/N: Hows this going? If you read my other story "Perfect Kisses Lead to One Night Stands" I was wondering how this compared to it? But I don't think I'll ever know if you don't message me or review or anything or just call me up or write me a letter (but you can only do that if you trace my computer) but I love you anyway. I hope it comapres at least a little. :\ **


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

Dave moved his hands around my waist and pulled me close to him. "You're my good-luck charm." He said kissing me.

I smield and kissed him back. Ace pushed the doors to the auditorium open. "God, guys, get a fuckign room."

"ARTHER!" It was the drama club teacher Mrs. Mendle. She had to be over fifty. She looked like a drama teahcer too. She had these shawls in every color and she wore wraps and big googly glasses. She clicked her heels together when she yelled at kids- Ace included- when they did anything wrong. And she lived in a dream that she was still onstage... at Broadway...

Even though she never made it to New York.

We all have dreams I guess.

"Watch you're mouth, son!" She wagged a finger at him.

"I'm sorry Mendle!" Ace said acting too. "It just slipped out."

She gave him a dirty look and walked through the door he held open. Mrs. Masons was normally behidn this but she was out and Mrs. Mendle usually runs auditions anyway. We all walked into the room. Everyone was drama-club/dork-esque. Rachel was there. She was convinced she was the next Avril Lavigne or something. She was awful but she never knew. You didn't want ot be on Rachel's bad side.

We all sat. Mrs. Mendle taking a drmatic seat in front with the selected panel of judges, The class president, the vice-president, the principal, and an empty seat for Mrs. Masons.

* * *

It was bad. Not so much with the choir kids who went up and did broadway songs, more the normal girls who wnet up and botched up broadway and songs on the radio. There was a boy who played this trumpet solo that was alright. He was pretty jazzy. "Damn, that kid's nasty!" Ace said when everyone clapped.

"ARTHER!"

"Another slip, Mendle, deepest apologies."

"Another slip and you're out, boy!"

"Kay!"

I was sitting there next to Dave. His arm around me. Laughing at Ace quietly. I looked over and saw Rachel- who had botched up a #1 hit song and was pleased with herself beyond belief- standing talking in front of the stage. She looked so happy. Grinning to herself. Thinking she was the best singer in the world.

"You guys ready?" Cam asked.

"Yeah,"

"Let's go."

Dave kissed me. "Wish me luck," He said.

"Good luck." I said.

He smield and kissed me one more time. It lasted a little longer. And then he got up. I moved a few rows closer to the stage. Rachel walking up the isle now. "Hey Elisa," She said msiling and waving.

"Hi," I said lifting my hand in a wave. I looked over at the stage.

He was sitting agaisnt the stage. One leg stretched out the other bent. His arms were wrapped around it casually. He was jsut looking around watching people. His guitar was on the floor beside him. He was just sitting there not really looking at anything or anyone. Just sittign there. And somehow that made my stomach drop and I felt weird. He looked over suddenly. At me. No expression on his face, he just looked ta me. And I just looked back. I was not so far away. But I realized he probably was jsut waiting for me to look away. Neither of us had blinked. I wondered if he thought I was so weird staring at him. I blinked suddenly.

A smile crossed his face. And he blinked too. My stomach was shaking.

"Number 18," Mrs. Mendle shouted. The acts were numbered there was 19. Second to last. I thought it was Dave. But Bennett stood up. He was so tall. He took out his guitar and went onstage. He had a sticker on his guitar but it was jsut a dash of color on the pale front of the acoustic guitar. I watched him.

He leaned into the microphone slipped the guitar over his shoudlers. "I wrote this a few months ago." He said. And he started playing some soft chords. Four really quickly. He adjusted the tuning quickly. Then he started playing. His eyes falling on me. He blew everyone in the room away. You could tell. We all just sat there or froze and listened and watched. I'd heard a few things about his music with words like "wailing" "emo" "wrist-slitting" but it was so far off.

Out of everyone I was blown away the most.

Our eyes were locked the entire time. I felt myself melt inside. And all he was doing was singing a song that he wrote. His own original song. Dave di that every other Friday and I never felt this.

People clapped slowly. All still in shock of how amazing he was. He walked offstage. The curtains opening and Dave's band being there. The "judges" were busy writign and talking. I'm not sure how I heard it myself:

"Faggot." Dave had said it.

Bennett turned abruptly. "Fuck you." He said just as loud.

Mrs. Mendle heard but she too was blown away. She just let it slide. And Bennett walked off the stage. He was pissed. He put his guitar I watched him. Even as Dave started singing looking at me and winking and smiling. Bennett packed up and left. Swiftly and quickly. Walking by me and not looking at me for once. I had a feeling it was because of Dave. But I jsut watched Dave. His band was a shoo-in.

It was known.

They played a pop-ier song. And it was big in the room. They were good. But in my mind I thought Bennett was better. No matter what.


	16. Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Dave grabbed me one more time. He was suddenly sitting behind me. Me in between his legs and his stomach against my back. We were sitting on the floor of his basement. This time we really were studying but he was getting bored and distracted. "Did you hear about that fight at that party between that kid from Caustic and Bennett Williams?" He asked. "Turns out Williams not that gay after all. Almost slept with Rainie Joseph."

I was quiet for a few seconds. "Yeah," I said. I wasn't in the position to tell Dave he was wrong. That Bennett Williams was my friend and that he shouldn't say stuff liek that about him to me. But I didn't.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know. I've been worried about you since the party." He moved his hands around my waist holding me closer to him. "You were so freaking pale. Are you sick or something?"

"No, I'm completely healthy."

"Did somethign happen?"

"No,"

"I'm just so worried. I got scared when you were at that party you were so off. You were so close to just passing out." He sounded so genuine. I closed my eyes and leaned back against him. He kissed my cheek. "I don't know..." He was quiet for a few seconds. "I've never been in a relationship liek this. When I'm this serious about a girl, especially like you."

I smield. I had butterflies. "Me neither."

"I love you so much Elisa." He said softly into my hair. I closed my eyes and we just sat there. It felt warm being with him. He made me feel warm and comfortable. "Do you know what this Staurday is?" He asked.

"Yeah, our five-month." I said. I hadn't been thinking about it much. I had been distracted but it was there. Right in front of us. He kissed my cheek again lightly I opened my eyes.

"I want it to be really special." He said softly. And we sat there. I felt so happy being there. So in love with him. "Elisa, I want to make love to you." He whispered. My stomach dropped. And I was scared a little. But he kept talking. His voice soothing. And smooth. "I love you so much. I want to give everything to you. You mean the world to me. We've been together five months. And it's sad but, this is my longest relationship. I've never looekd at a girl the way I look at you. I care about you so much. I've never been in love before. I love you more than anything, Elisa."

I closed my eyes and listened to his voice. I couldn't help but love him. His voice sounded so honest. And truthful. He meant what he had said I thought to myself.

* * *

Dave had been a good mood all afternoon because the student body president had said they were in for sure. And he was happy they were going ot play in front of the whole school sometime in a month or so in November. It was good "coverage" Peter said. And I was happy for him.

When I got home I called Cass telling her about Dave's act. Because all I could think about right then was Dave. But I didn't tell her what we decided. And I just told her about the Variety Show. And she said she was happy for us. She seems more accepting of Dave lately. She invited me to come hang out with her and Miles but I decided to stay in. I had too much on my mind.

I listened to Jimmy Eat World's _Clarity_. When that finished I came upon _The Photo Album_. I remembered what Bennett had said today about it. That conversation seemed so far away. I put it into my CD player and played "Steadier Footing."

He had had a different meaning I tihnk to telling me about that song today. I listened to it. The full two minutes or so and it took my mind off of Dave for that long. I could hear Bennett in my head: _It made me think of you and me._ He never said that. But I relaized what was unsaid always was. I jsut picked up on it then. Maybe that's what his eyes say when I can't understand them. But thinking about last Friday, I still couldn't figure out what he was saying then when he wasn't.

But two minutes aren't hardly enough to take my mind off of everything.

I think everyone is scared before their first time. But I was dead scared with it barely even close enough for me to supposed to be. So I just shut my eyes listening to Ben Gibbard but hearing my own voice over his. It was deafening and heavy- my thoughts and my voice that whispered them to me.

I was terrified.


	17. Chapter 17

Chapter 17

I was terrified of the world.

I was on edge all the rest of the week. Dave noticed this. Not knowing why. He just would kiss my cheek and ask me in his soft voice if I was okay. I would say Yes. I was fine. But I'm not fine. I really don't tihnk I am. I'm scared of Cass. I'm scared of Freshman walking down the halls with purpose. My mother walking upstairs. Just everything.

I was finishing _Catcher in the Rye._

"You're still reading that?" I looked across my desk. Not at him. The chair slid open for him to sit down.

The best way to put it was that I was terrified of Bennett. He wasn't scary. In fact he was one of the nicest people I have ever met. It was just the fact that I was starting to like him. It was a crush obviously. He was just very friendly and nice to me. He always said hi to me when he saw me and smiled if I was with Dave, not saying anything. I loved Dave though. I couldn't like Bennett. Especially now. But I guess since it's Bennett Williams you can't help it. It's the same kind of crush you'd have meeting a celebrity or someone so much higher above you. It jsut felt strange having him treat me like a friend.

I'd be sitting in English. When nobody was around. And he'd come up and ask me something. We'd start talking even Cass joining in sometimes. But she sometimes would just go off and leave just the two of us to talk. We never ran out of things to say. We'd talk about music and books. It was weird and slightly terrifying having so much in common with _The _Bennett Williams. He'd tell me to listen to a record again or something like that. And I would and he'd ask me about it the next time.

You might be wondering what the hell's going on with me.

Well to put it simply: Bennett makes me stop thinking about Five-months and Dave. I forget everything. I forget about Dave which is worst of everything because I love Dave and this is Bennett Williams who hates the boy I love with a passion I think by now. I'm scared of Bennett because Dave is. Dave looks at his feet when Bennett walks by. He's so intimidating towards Dave I'm scared of Bennett myself. The boy who recited poetry to me the period before can become a monster. Second I'm scared of how he makes me forget Dave. I love Dave. He loves me. Five months. A lifetime for some. And I forget a lifetime for someone I have only known under three weeks.

"I'm trying to make it last," I say studdering. I feel sweat forming under my bangs over my eyebrow. My hands feel numb and shaky. I hold my place. And calm down.

"Carousel part right?" He asks.

"Yeah," I said.

"I love that part." He says. "'Coney Island' by Death Cab reminds me of it so much."

"I was thinking that." I smile. I'm sick with myself.

He smiles too. He always does when I smile at him. "What did you think of that book?" He asks. His arms are folded and he rests them on the desk and leans forward. His arms are so boney. He had a freckle or two on them.

"I really liked it." I said. "I don't usually like books we read in school."

He looks down at the desk. "The first book I ever read in school and truly loved _was The Outsiders_."

"I've never read that." I said.

He looked up his brown eyes widening. "Are you kidding me?"

"No," I said.

He shook his head. "That's sickening, Elisa." He said. He says my name more than Dave. I think he just likes saying it. "You are missing out on one of the most enlightening books I tihnk you can eve read." He sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "Promise me you'll read it."

I smile a little looking down. "I promise."

"Okay," He says smiling a little.

I'll wake up from this the moment I see Dave the moment I walk out of English. It's Friday. And English was our last class. I'm walking out of English. Dave is there. He slides a hand around my waist. We start walking. We go down a staircase. I see Bennett walking up above me as I go down walking across the hallways area parallel to where the stairs plunge down to the first floor. He sees me and smiles a little. I felt the same what I just had talking to him. It didn't last.

* * *

Dave and I had had a great afternoon on Saturday. Our five month. We went to a little diner we went on our first date and sat and tlaked normally. He loved me. I knew that. I felt out of it. We retold stories. It took my mind off of everything for the short hwile that slipped by.

Then we left and he drove to the bridge. The bridge leads to a dead end. And kids go there to hook-up and nobody usually goes there except for in the summer. But it's so pretty and nice. But tonight I was so scared.

"Elisa, I love you." He said softly touching my knee.

"I love you too."

We had been kissing. The seat fell back. And his hands slid up my shirt. And he took it off. He took off his own becuase I felt numb and I was shaking inside. He kissed my neck. And I started crying then. I love Dave. I really do. But I never knew love wasn't enough. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to. But a single word didn't escape me. He hurt me. Not in the 'hitting' type of hurt. It was the other kind.

He dropepd me off at my house. Kissing me one more time. I kissed his lips. They were suddenly nothing to me.

My house was quieter and emptier than it ever was. I went up to my room. My feet heavy like lead. And my head light like air. I sat on my floor my back agaisnt my bed. My eyes closed. I wanted to be as small as I could. I felt this pang in my chest. It was heavy and it hurt.

It was regret.


	18. Chapter 18

Chapter 18

"Elisa?"

I shuddered scared half to death. It was just Cass. She came up to my room. Her footsteps loud in my quiet house. I had showered. I still felt disgusting. I looked in the mirror I was scared of myself. She saw me and studied me. Her eyes taking me in one detail at a time. "What happened?" She asked. "You look like a mess."

"I'm fine." I believed myself. But 'fine' has to be the fakest word of them all. I smiled to reassure her. She asked and bugged me a few more minutes. Then she let it drop. It was Sunday night. She needed the essay question for _Catcher in the Rye._ And she needed a computer. I was reading. Finally finishing _Catcher in the Rye_. I had the day before. This was my second time reading it. I told Dave I wasn't feeling well. But he sounded so happy. He couldn't drive me to and from school tomorrow; he had to go early for a test.

Cass and I were talking. She didn't remember the five-month. That's all I thought about. I formed short sentences and responses. Short fake ones. And I even believed myself.

I told myself over and over again that I was fine. And it was numbing to keep telling myself this but it started to work. Cass was talking. This was normal. I told her too, I wasn't feeling well. And she talked the most. I'd tune her out half-listening.

I wasn't there.

* * *

His hands were so hot agaisnt me. He hugged me. And kissed my forehead. His lips burned my flesh. I wanted to push him away. I didn't. I was fine. I was fine. I was fine.

Nobody second guessed my response. Nobody knew either. I loved Dave. This isn't how it is suppsoed to be. I felt like throwing up whenever he was around me. I felt the floor shake whenever I stood still next to him. In English Mrs. Masons noticed I had restarted _Catcher in the Rye._ "Are you reading it again?" She asked.

I nodded. Looking up at her. In her eyes I swore I saw myself. Pale small and shaking. Quivering and dreading the minutes I had to wait before I was alone with Dave. I love him. I'm screwed up. I really am. I have issues. But still I'm fine.

"Do you want to start our next book? It's _The Great Gatsby._" She offered. She sounded excited ot be handing a book off to me. Thought the bounce in her voice the nudge of enthusiam depressed me. I nodded. And she brought me another old paperback book.

"Thanks," I said smiling a little.

"You're welcome." She said and she walked away to another table. There was fifteen minutes left where we had nothing to do. We finished early now. It was time for us to work on our essays or silent reading. I opened my book. Looking around. Seeing Bennett, his eye still bruised watching me. I looked at him shortly. This time he didn't help me feel better.

I looked down and started reading. At first the words didn't make sense. But nothing ever does now to me. So it made all the sense in the world.

* * *

We were at the cemetary. Dave was just kissing me. I could keep up because he wasn't rushing. He had gotten all he had ever wanted out of me. And now he could wait. Go figure. He brushed hair out of my face. "Elisa." He said softly agaisnt my skin. That word was hot and sticky on my flesh. "I love you so much."

I swallowed. "I love you too." My voice cracked. Was I the only one that heard it. I don't think anyone did anymore. Nobody's scared for you when they have to be. I'm getting the attention I always wanted. I always aimed for this. Now I jsut wanted someone to care.

I'm screwed up. I always will be now.

So I decided I should live up to what everyone believed. Nothing was wrong. And it worked. All except for Dave. Who was noticing I was gone. "Are you okay?" I'm fine. "Are you sure?" Of course. "Do you want to talk about anything?" About what? "I love you." I love you too. It became monotonous. It became so fake. I should try out for the school plays. But I won't. I never want that much attention.

I started avoiding Dave. He scared me in ways I couldn't measure.

"Elisa!" I turned my head seeing Dave. "Don't you need a ride home?"

"No, I'm staying after."

"Oh, i'll pick you up later then?"

"Yeah, sure."

He kissed me. I kissed him back absently. "I love you."

"I love you too." I said smiling. "Bye."

I went to the library. Sitting at one of the tables with a few girls tutoring dead-beats. And I took out _The Great Gatsby. _Reading was just what I needed. It was so quiet. I felt itchy inside. So I flled myself with the voice of silent words. And it filled all my emptiness.

* * *

October. I missed September. I wanted September back. Everything was easier. Now November was coming. I wanted everytihng ot slow down. I wanted something to hold onto so I wouldn't be flung into the next month as rapidly as I was. I should have called Cass or Dave about twenty minutes ago. But I just sat there. My head buried in my arms as small as I could get sitting on the front steps of Kerrington High School. It was silent. Dead.

The front doors opened. And shut. I didn't want anyone to see me. I was pathetic. I was invisible liek I had always wanted to be. I was always jsut THERE. Never HERE. I wanted someone to take my hand and explain what I was thinking. What I wanted. I didn't know. I wanted to be unnoticed but I didn't want to be invisible. I wanted people to care and to not. I loved Dave but I was so scared of him. I wanted to hide and I wanted ot be found. I wanted someone to explain what was going on with me but I wasn't letting anyone in.

I felt something brush my arm. My head lifted sharply. My muscles tensed.

"Sorry," He said softly. Bennett was so close. Just right there.

I looked forward. "It's okay."

We were silent. I felt his eyes on me. His bruised one was turned yellow on the edges. "Are you okay, Elisa?" He asked softly. His voice so soft and faint. I remembered him singing on that stage ot me. His voice. I could hear it. Being sung to me. I blinked. My eyes felt numb and galssy again.

"I'm fine." I said.

"I know what _fine_ means." He said in the same voice. "Just know you can trust me."

We sat there quietly for a few minutes. I checked my cell phone to see the time. "I should go." I said.

"Do you want a ride?" He asked.

I should have said no. I loved Dave. This was Bennett Williams. I hesitated. "Do you know where I live?" I asked.

He nodded. "You live the next street over from me." He said. "I live on Cherry."

"How did you know that?" I asked quietly.

He smiled a little. "Don't worry," He said. "I've seen you driving with Dave and coming in and out of that street. I'm not trying ot be creepy." I smiled a little.

"Are you sure you odn't mind?"

"Not at all." He said standing up. He was so tall. He held a hand out to me. I took it. He pulled me to my feet. And his hand felt warm. I felt all shaky. Not the shaky I had been all week. "My car's out back." He said.

We walked behind the school. Next to each other. He was so much taller and thinner. His car was tan and old looking. It was redone and repainted but it's not an expensive new one. A redone junk car like Dave's. But Dave's seats were leather and uncomfortable. And these were the same in the old mini-van my mom used to drive beofre my dad left.

He backed out. An arm behind my seat. I felt so strange sitting there. CDs filling the glove compartment that was stuck open. And a milk crate wedged in the space on the floor making two seperate sides in the long front seat. I blinekd this wasn't real.

The way he drove to our streets was different. Longer and not passing main roads. Back roads. He was listening to this CD. I was staring at the radio/CD player.

"This is this band called Owen." He said. "I don't know, I found this record a couple months ago. It's really good. I love this song."

I liked it to. I nodded. "It's good." Was all I could force out.

He didn't bug me about whether or not I was okay. It was understandable. It was Bennett Williams. He could care less. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked suddenly.

I opened my mouth to say something. Air escaped quietly. "I don't love Dave." I said suddenly. It hung in the air. That sentence. Burning me and making me hate myself. But I kept talking. "Have you ever felt regret?"

"Yes." He said softly.

"It hurts, huh?"

"Yeah, it does."

"I hate it."

"Me too."

We listened to the record quietly. He looked over at me quietly. "Elisa," He said. I looked at him. He stopped at a red light. "Dave doesn't deserve you. I don't know if anyone says this to you, but it's true. He doesn't belong with someone like you. You are so much better than he can ever be. And he _can't_ change who he is. And you are such a good person. Someone like you should never even waste their time on a person like Dave."

I looked at the dashboard quietly.

"I'm sorry if I'm butting in, but-" He let out a breathe. I realzied he was gripping the wheel. "I care about you Elisa, I think you're such a beautiful person. Dave can't see that."

The light turned green. And he moved forward. Not looking at me. I watched him for a minute or two. He was focusing on the road. His words hung in the air. My chest felt raw. And my head was spinning.

"My house is this one." I said pointing as he started to pass it.

"Is anyone home?" He asked looking at it. I picked my bag off of the floor of his car.

I shook my head. "Nobody ever is."

"My house is the same way." He said looking at me. His eyes were busy. I had no idea what was going through his head. But I opened the door.

"Thanks for the ride." I said.

"You're welcome." He said quietly.

I got out walking up to the front door.

"Hey Elisa, I meant what I said."

His door was open suddenly. He was standing outside of it. Watching me. "I know," I said turning towards him.

"If you ever need to talk to someone," He was smiling a little. "I'm in the house with the red door."


	19. Chapter 19

Chapter 19

I sat with my mother at the dinner table. This is a once in a while thing. We eat chinese food and talk about stupid things. She was very interested in Dave. She always had been. But now it was bothering me and I was noticing it more. I poked my food around. It got cold as I answered questions. I had what Bennett had stuck in my head. It replayed and replayed. Every sentence and every word. I analyzed it like I would poetry. Taking out as much meaning as I could. There were three ways I interpretted it.

One: He was just an honest to good person. My friend. Looking out for me like Cass would and caring about me.

Two: He had something against Dave and was trying to get me to dump him.

Three: He was just playing with me. Screwing around for a challenge.

All of them to me by then were likely. I haven't known him for long so who knows what motives he has underneath all of this. I'm just Elisa. I'm practically invisible now. What does Bennett Williams want to do with someone like that when he was a fraction of an inch away from dating the prettiest girl in Kerrington? Why is he bothering with me?

"Why don't you invite Dave over tomorrow night to study?" My mother asked. I looked up at her. She was hopeful. Happy there was a chance I was moving away from my hair dyed best friend and my music that makes her wince. She had high hopes Dave would save me from who I have become.

"Oh, um." My voice has been cracking all night. Making up excuses and spitting out lies about our five-month. "His band has a practice. They want to keep their time slot at the club."

I'm usually horrible at lying. I usually freeze up and act obvious. I've improved a lot since befriending Cass. The only way my mother would let me hang out with her was if she knew Cass had a small base in her life. Something to keep her down and contained while the rest of her spilled out of the top of her head. By now I was a pro. Things happen for a reaosn. I'm glad I learned how to lie these past years.I'm just not happy I have to.

Things have gotten complicated now. I don't think I love Dave anymore. But he loves me so much. And my mother is pushing me to stay with Dave forever while Cass is telling me he's bad new. And then there's Bennett who could be doing one of three things.

"Oh," My mother said. Her fork hit her plate sending a loud spark of sound everywhere. I swear there was an echo. "I think he's such a good boy though, Elisa. Amber would have never been as lucky as you."

I poked the chicken finger sitting there soaking up a sauce and growing soggy around the fried layer of skin wrapped aorund a thin white piece of chicken. My mtoher started talking about how Amber made such bad choices with boys. I just half-listened. And nodded and said the appropriate "Yeah," or "No." There was really nothing else to do. But she had me all wrong. I was sick of being better than Amber because I wasn't.

* * *

I was sitting in my room doing nothing. It was so quiet. I needed to move. I used to feel this a lot before I started dating Dave. I'm fine and everything I just feel like going somewhere. Moving.

My mother's on the phone. Her words are ringing in my head. I was sick of me being the better daughter. I wasn't any better than Amber. So I just left and drove downtown. I had no place to really go. You never do when you get this feeling. So I went ot Carol's Coffeeshop. That girl with the lipring was working. And there was a cluster of tables with these obnoxious kids. I went up and got a coffee. She was flushed. Her name was Becky. She actually was really pretty. She had black hair and tanned skin. She had these pretty hazal eyes that were two colors at once. She looked at me letting out a light sigh. "God I hate this job when we're understaffed." She said. she put her hands on the counter- as if to regain balance and catch her breathe. "So what can I get you?"

"Small coffee." I said.

"Cream and sugar?" She asked.

I used to drink this all the time I lost my taste for both cream and sugar together. But I suddenly missed it. "Yeah, sure."

I watched her go get it taking her time because the table of kids were all settling down with their coffee and their pie and their donuts. Becky was relieved. I let her take her time. I figured it was okay. It was seven; she probably didn't expect a big crowd of kids to come in when it was just her. Nobody else.

I saw a little sign. A blue and white one. _Help Wanted: Flexible hours, Minimum Wage, Free Coffee!_

She came over. I gave her a five dollar bill. "One fifty-nine." She said. She got me change.

I took my coffee and my change. "Are you still hiring?"

Her eyes opened wide hopefully. "Yeah," She said cheerfully. "Of course, do you want an application?"

I shouldn't be doing this. My mom didn't want me to have a job for who knows why. She didn't see the point. She jsut gave me money. But a job meant I had something to do. It's why I always wanted one. I'll have my own money. And I'll have time away from Dave and my own mother. My last reason was mean but I guess there were no two ways around it. I wanted some space and osmething to do.

She handed me an application and a pen on a chain taped to a clipboard. "You don't need much expirience." she said. "This was my frist job."

"I've never had a job." I said.

"This is a great place to start, Carol always writes kick-butt recommendations even if she boots your sorry ass out of here." She said smiling.

I smield. And sat down in a small table far away from those kids who were talking and drinkign and getting all up on caffine. I filled out my application. It was easy. I had no expirience. I handed it to Becky who was eager to take it. "Be right back."

She dissapeared behind a floral curtain. To a back room I suppose. I stood there waiting. My coffee sitting at my empty table. I looked around seeing those kids. They were popular-esque crowd from Coolen. And they were watching something outside all talking and laughing. I didn't hear Becky come back. "Welcome to Hell, kid." She said smiling. She handed me a schedule sheet to fill out. "When are you free?"

I shrugged. "Any time." I said.

She went into the same cabinet she got the clipboard and application out of. "Okay," She said. "So we have a system. It's a crappy one but it does good for us. She had a sheet of different colored dots that were stickers. "We all have our own color." She slide a schedule across thr counter to me. "See I'm green" she pointed a black fingernail at a green dot. "I work this dot to this one." It slide across a row of green dots to another. "Get it?"

"Yeah," I said.

And for the next five minutes she helped me fill out the schedule. I was wokring a lot with her becuase she worked a lot. And my introduction was tomorrow afternoon because she usually needed help and it was slow until it got later. It was a Friday. So kids would ocme here to sober up she said. "So see you tomorrow?" She asked.

"Yeah." I was shocked. I had gotten a job over the period of thirty minutes. "See you tomorrow."

I felt powerful. I felt excited. I had my head held high. I could never forget that feeling.

* * *

**A/N: I don't mean to be pushy. I don't have that many little notes here like I have had in the past. Buy I would appreciate a little more feedback. Reviews don't take that long. I really want to know what you like or hate. I have thick skin. Don't worry. Reviews inspire me. Review or else you will never know how this ends up. :O**


	20. Chapter 20

Chapter 20

The next day I got into Dave's camaro. I took my headphones off. I was listening to _The Photo Album. _"When are you going to stop using that?" He asked kissing me. "It's the twenty-first century."

"I know," I said. "I don't live under a rock." I was smiling. I don't know why.

He kissed me again. "I love you," He said.

"I love you too." I said back. I felt fake.

He pulled away form the curb. I slipped my CD player into the front pocket of my back pack. He was listening to the radio. Which was commercials, commercials, and a clip of a song. His hand moved to my knee. I grew tense. He squeezed it not noticing that I was now rigid. I looekd out the window, but all I felt was his hand on my knee. "There's this party tonight. The football team, do you want to go?"

"I," I swallowed. "I can't."

"Oh, why?" I looked at him. He was looking back and forth form me to the road in a confused way. It wasn't that we never have been aprt it's jsut he's the one who usually has things to do not me. I understand why he was confused.

"I got a job yesterday." I said this with a hesitation.

"Did you need one?" He asked pausing at a stop sign. "I mean, are you like out of money or something, or did your mom make you get one." I looked back out the window.

"My mom doesn't know yet," I said.

"Why did you get one then?" He was pushing it. I understand he was curious but he sounded so forceful.

"I wanted a job." I said, my voice was small. I was scared of Dave even now. When he was just pushing me a little. He wasn't even made he just wanted an answer. I was terrified. "I've always wanted a job."

"I jsut don't get why." He said.

I didn't answer him. I didn't want ot explain. It was too early. Too much for me this early. I just sat back and looked out the window. His hand moved away from my knee. "Elisa, I didn't mean to be rude." He said. "It's just..."

He was apologizing. I interrupted him. "No, it's fine don't worry." The tether in between us only stretched so far. I felt bad having him apologizing for my own attitude. I didn't know why.

* * *

In school he kissed me hard in the hallways. I closed my eyes and tried my best to kiss him back. It was different. Between us it just was. Whenever we went apart his kisses were harder than they were two weeks ago. And I still felt disgusting kissing him in the halls. Afterschool he drove me to the bridge. And he kissed me. So hard.

His hands moved around my waist. I got shaky and scared. I didn't want to. And when his hands started to slid up my shirt I puleld away. "Dave," I said quietly. "I can't."

"Why? Is it because-"

"No," I said. "I'm not ready. I thought I had been but I'm not."

He looked at me in a way I couldn't read his mind. "Elisa," He said softly.

I was adjsuting my shirt. And he didn't finish his sentence. "Do you wnat me to drop you off at home?" He asked.

"Woudl you mind?" I asked.

"Nope."

That was it.

* * *

"The thing is, the orange rims means the coffee is decaf. The black means regular. If you mix them up Carol will be pissed. But oyu just need to fix it before she finds out. People barely notice anyways." Becky was pointing to the coffee machine with two pots going. One orange and one black rimmed. I listened carefully. This was near the end of the showing me aorund. I leanred ot never touch food with my bare hands. What to ask the customer. And what the prices meant and were. And little things.

"Okay," I said.

The frotn door opened sendign a ringing through the near empty coffeeshop. "Beck-y." She smield a little walking out to the cash-register counter. Her nails were lime-green today. They flashed like a lasar as she walked. Her arms swinging. It was the short boy I always saw with Bennett. I knew his name was Sean. He was cute and had some of the clearest skin I've ever seen. He smiled these white teeth and kissed Becky over the counter. They said Hello. I lingered by the decaf coffee machine wathcing them.

"...this is my new recruit Elisa." Becky introduced me.

I lifted my hand in a little wave. "Hi,"

"You're Elisa Simmons right?" Sean said looking at my. I assume he saw my temporary sticker nametag. My new one would be in my first actual shift this was jsut a test-run. He was narrowing his eyes pointing at me studying me.

I nodded. "Yes,"

He smiled nicely. "Bennett talked about you a couple times." He said. "You listen ot great music I hear."

I didn't know how to react ot this. Should I just smile and say something back. But I didn't really know what to say. But Becky was looking at me differently. Studying me over again. "You're dating that Dave-kid right?"

I nodded, relived somewhat that I didn't have to respond to Sean. But he stuck his hand out towards me through the coffee machines. "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you." He said smiling. I shook his hand and it was as awkward as it must have looked but neither Sean nor Becky acted like it was weird at all. It was natural almost for them.

"Where is Bennett anyway tonight?" Becky asked. "Party?"

"No," Sean said. "He just left." He sighed walking back to the counter across from Becky. "It's that fucking Christine again." Without a word Becky started pouring a coffee into a to-go cup. Extra-large. "She's screwing with him. He's got a lot going on with the whole Rainie-thing."

Becky looked at me. "You heard about Bennett at that party right? His eyes all fucked up now..."

"Yeah," I said nodding.

"He talked to Rainie by-the-way." Sean cut in. Saying it more to both of us. "She apologized."

Becky handed the coffee to Sean after emptying about eight packets of sugar into it. Not even ringing it up. He took it putting on the top. "I hate that Christine." Sean noticed I was clueless to who Christine was. "His ex-girlfriend. She's a bitch."

I felt strange as I listened in. Sean filling us both in on how Christine was just going around bored with her boyfriend- who I knew was the captain of the Coolen football team. And how Bennett was a level one victim. Both Becky and Sean were so comfotable around me. I got this girl a coffee doing "flawless" as Becky put it.

Then Kyle, the college student came to do his late night shift. Letting Becky and I off our shift. I got a coffee because Becky said if it's free, you better take it. And I started calling Dave. The door opened and Becky came out with a jelly donut in her hand and an extra large coffee in the other. "So you did good today." She said.

I didn't hit the call button I jsut looked at her and smiled a little. "Thanks."

Sean shut the front door to his car. He was starting it. We could see our breathe, it was getting colder. "Hey, give me some of that." He said looking at the donut in Becky's hand.

"I'll see you late," I said to Becky, but I'm not sure if she heard me.

She handed it off to him. They were cute Becky and Sean. I started walking to my car. "Elisa!" Becky yelled. "See you Monday!"

"Bye," I said.

Sean waved, his mouth full. There was a calm feeling in my gut suddenly. I felt balanced. Something I hadn't noticed until now was very new to me.


	21. Chapter 21

Chapter 21

I got home, and Dave's car was parked in my driveway. He got out when I pulled up. Standing up a silhouette in the dark. The garage light flashing on catching onto the dark shape emerging from the camaro parked where I remembered my dad's car once would be and where mine had taken it's place. He stood there shoving his hands into his pockets. "Hi," He said quietly.

I got out of my car closign the door behind me. "Hi," I said. I held my keys in one hand. "What's new?"

He shrugged. "The party was sort of lame. I didn't know what time you were supposed to get home." He scracthed his neck. "So, uh, your mom isn't home?"

"She's on another business trip." I said. "Left this morning."

"Oh," He said. "So, when was I going to hear about this job of yours?"

"I told you about it." I said.

"Yeah, but you never talked about getting a job ever. And suddenly this happens. It jsut isn't like you." He said. "Your mom gives you money right?"

I nodded.

"Then why do you need a job?" He said. "Don't kids get jobs for money."

I looked down at the ground. "I just wanted something to do. I mean you're always out doing something and when I'm not with you I'm jsut sitting at home being..." I looked at him. He didn't understand. "You don't get it." I said quietly.

"No, I'm trying to, it's just-"

"Dave it's fine. I just got a job." I said.

He looked at me suddenly very shakily. "You're acting so different. This isn't you." He said. "You aren't this person. Did something happen?" I wanted to say everything. But I didn't. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to tell him how much regret was eating away at me or how badly i've always wanted a job but never gotten one. And now that I did it took my mind off of everythign and I felt balanced I felt whole. I felt like I never had. I sewed my mouth shut.

"Nothing." I said. "Nothing, happened."

We stood in silence. The air was dry and cold. I could feel it moving through my bloodstream. I could only think about our five-month. And I felt sick and disgusting again. Like I was all raw inside. Nothing was left. He had ripped it all out of me.

"I love you so much Elisa." He said.

"I love you too." This came out. A bad habit. And he leaned in and kissed me. His lips agaisnt mine. "It's cold. Come on." I felt so guilty. I was being such a bitch. He followed me inside. And we went up to my room. And we started talking. He kissed me. And all of this guilt piled up again.

* * *

He was breathing softly. Asleep. I curled up far away from him. I hadn't slept with him. I stopped him and he had jsut lay there limp agaisnt me for a few hours. Now he was asleep. No matter how exhausted I was I couldn't. It was the coffee. Why did Becky make me drink coffee tonight. I remembered what Sean had said. About Bennett and his ex-girlfriend.

I didn't know if Bennett meant regret about her or Rainie. Maybe both. But I really couldn't piece that together in my head. Maybe he was just a jerk- Bennett. Using girls and all of that. Like he could be using me. Whatever he was doing I think it is working. I love Dave, I'm supposed to be with Dave. How dare he come along and play with me and take away the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I swallowed hard holding myself tighter. I am so dumb. He's Bennett Williams. What does he want with me? I rolled over. My body fitting along Dave's side. I loved Dave didn't I. I always did. He wasn't forcing me to sleep with him. I made that choice on my own.

This could have all been an act. I held Dave tight in my arms. Holding onto him tellin myself over and over again that I loved him and that when I woke up everything was going to be okay.

I couldn't sleep that night.


	22. Chapter 22

November.

Chapter 22

I did my best to avoid Bennett but it wasn't working. I avoided him every English class. Talking to Cass whenever we had free time. He wouldn't interrupt. He was just reading this book the whole time. Not even looking up at me. It was easy then. The harder time ws when I was walking down the hallways alone. I walked into someone my head turned to yell something to Cass. My books slipped to the floor. And I ducked down ot get them. He crouched down too. His thin legs surprisingly supporting him even as he pressed down to the floor more. We both stood up. He handed me my notebooks as well as _The Great Gatsby._ "Sorry," He said smiling. "I wasn't paying attention."

"Neither was I." I said taking my books at they were extended out to me. I looked up at him. His eyes were so unreadable. Just looking at me smiling a little. I figured he was waiting for me to go. "I'll see you around." When I set my mind to it I can wlak pretty fast. I took off so fast. I felt those eyes on my the whoel time I went down the hallway.

And at work you can't just duck behind the flowered curtain when you have customers. While Becky and Sean are talking and being cute and smiley. I'll be getting an extra large coffee and handing it off to Becky who always put in eight sugars. And then a medium with both cream and sugar. Bennett waiting patiently or talking to Becky and Sean. And more often or less when Becky and Sean are in thier own conversation he'll come up to me and talk to me. And when someone does that you can't avoid it.

It's impossible.

And it helped my relationship with Dave. Staying as far away from Bennett as he or he universe would allow. We were just as we were. I forgot about out five-month and we were just normal. Sometimes at the cemetary he would go too fast but I'd stop him. He stopped gettign mad. More expecting it than getting quieter and slightly pissed off.

Everything was where it should be. Except for the occasional run-in with Bennett Williams.

But Becky and I were working on a Saturday. It was early and we were not really awake. I was getting coffee for some woman. Soccer-mom-esque. Becky leaned in and under her breathe: "Finally they're gone."

I handed the lady her coffee and she paid. I saw _them_ it was only a quick glimpse. I saw neither of their faces. But they were walking across the parking lot in the little plaza we were in. His hand was around her waist. It was the guitarist with who I guess was Rainie Joseph. From far away she wasn't radiating with beauty but I was dissapointed I hadn't seen them in the shop. Because all we were hearing about lately from Coolen was the name Rainie and Paul. No last names. Just those two. And you jsut knew them or you didn't. Only those kids who keep a book in their faces sheilding themselves from the world with calculus and expository reading don't know who Rainie and Paul are.

But from where I sit at lunch, I can sometimes catch a glimpse of Bennett. He's always smiling and beaming almost. So happy. I can only think of one reaon: Christine. And it all made sense. Why he wasn't trying to talk to me. And why we were just faint acquaintences. My theory was proved true.

* * *

I was reading. Cass was dismissed by her mom for the dentist. The chair across from me slide open. I looked up and saw Bennett sitting down. His eye was better. There was only a little yellow left. But it had been all swallowed up. It's been a month. Early November had passed away. And he smiled a little at me. "So," He began. "I have to say I like you're shirt."

I looked down. And then back at him confused. Then I saw it. And I smiled. Embarrassed and nervous. He smiled too. We were wearing the same one. It was a Sunday Drive shirt I bought at a show. And his was identical. "Wow," I said laughing a little.

He was still smiling. "I've been listening to their first record a lot lately." He said. "Have you heard it on vinyl yet?"

I shook my head. "Still no."

He sighed. "I'll have to play it for you sometime." He said looking at me. He was still smiling. God he was so happy. "I can't believe you work at Carol's though. Are you working morning shifts yet?"

"Next week," I said. "Friday."

"Ah, Black Friday..."

"Yes," I said with a nod. I realized what I was doing. But my head was spinning and he kept smiling and there was something about how he was acting. This was all casual. I asked for it I guess.

We talked about _The Great Gatsby_ and he pointed out this quote he loved and I had loved the same. And then I brought up how I liked his music and how good his try-out for the Variety show was. He shrugged getting serious finally. The smile slipping away. "My mom wanted me to try out. So I did. It's weird, I tohught I'd not make it."

"You were better than all those girls trying to sing." I said.

He leaned in smiling. "Rachel was awful." He said softly. "God, it killed music for me hearing her." I laughed looking down at my book. His voice went back to normal. "I don't know. It's just a little side thing. I play parties and stuff. A lot of Kerrington ones. Some Coolen now." He looked at me. "I'm actually playing one this Friday. Me and Sean are going to do it, he plays drums so it will be pretty cool I think. We've done it once before on our own but it's going to be pretty cool."

"That sounds cool." I said smiling. "I'd like to hear that."

"Are you busy then?" He asked. I felt trapped.

I swallowed. "Well, Dave's playing the club downtown. It hasn't been set in stone yet, but-" I swallowed again. He was lookign at me so differently. "I don't know."

"Well, if soemthing comes up, and if you guys are going to a party or something." He reached behind him. Taking a sheet of paper out of this kid's notebook. He fished a little pencil out of his pocket. It was a black colored pencil. He started writing. "It's not that small. Not exclusive at all. Anyone can come, it's on my MySpace and stuff and there's gonna a be a few kids coming so it's pretty open. If you guys are looking for a place to go... this is going to be pretty big-ish." He slide an address across to me. "It's a few streets away from us. I just don't know when I'm playing but if you text me I could text you the time."

I noticed a number written a lot neater than the address about. Much clearer. But his handwriting wasn't unreadable. It was just a little messy. But I could decipher it easily. "I'll try and make it." I knew I wouldn't be able to. But I was actually interested in going.

"I mean if you can't, no problem. But it's going to be pretty cool I think. I'm really excited." He was smiling again. I smiled back. And the bell rang.

We both got up. "Hey, so jsut text me if you can." He said as he got up. "See you around."

"I will, bye." And we walked apart. Like the way I had wanted to keep things.

I went out into the halls. Dave walking up to me. Kissing me. I was so happy. Everything was how I wanted it to be.

But it only takes a few seconds to get shot down.

I walked into homeroom. Still stuck in this dream that everything was perfect. My mind racing. I loved Dave so much and I was finally becoming sometihng. Not just Elisa. I saw Cass sitting staring at her desk. "Hi," I said. "What's up?"

She looked up at me. Not sad. Just prepared.

"Elisa, Dave's cheating on you."

* * *

**A/N:** **Please tell me what you think.**_ You don't need to crank out a big old paragraph about your likes an dislikes. Just please tell me what you tihnk. Reviews make me want to post more. And next chapter will be uber-intense and jsut amazing and I have been making notes of it even before I gave Elisa a name. It is basically pre-Rainie and Paul pre-Kerrington. And will hopefull kick ass._ **Review or else I'mm make you wait.**


	23. Chapter 23

Chapter 23

I wanted to turn around. My shins hurt from walking here. And my chest hurt altogether. I regretted pushing that doorbell. It had been no longer than three seconds. And I already wanted to turn and run. But I knew Dave would be at my house. Looking for me. And I was here. And my window to turn and run was gone because the door opened.

There was a greay-haired boy there. His flannel shirt had torn sleeves and he studied me up and down. "He's downstairs." He said without me even saying a word.

"Who?" I asked quickly.

"The kid here to play music. Downstairs." He said this like I was dumb. I nodded saying thank you but he just hsut the door behind me. I saw those stairs right across from me. And slowly I made my way towards them. My shins aching less and my pace a few steps shorter. But I made it slowly. Coming down into a crowded room. And for the frist time- even with _The_ Bennett Williams being the focus I couldn't see him. I was too short. And there were too many people around us. I jsut heard drums, an acoustic guitar, and his voice. I should leave right now.

My head still hurt from spinning. I had been shot I knew I had been. It was Dave. How could he have done that? I didn't talk to Cas about this. I really couldn't. She tried but I just didn't let her. I held her at arsm length. And I was at home. Sitting in my room. Music not filling the emptiness inside of me. Wanting to run. Dave would show up five minutes or less. That's when I saw the address. Written in black colored pencil. I ended up there somehow. Standing and listening. The couple standing in front of me blocking any view I had. But a girl moved into the spot beside me. I had no place to move.

I looked at her. She was looking at me. It was strange. "Do you liek his music?" She asked.

She was gorgeous. The kind you always see in pictures and in magazines. She had pale skin and black hair that was long and perfect. She had these grey-blue eyes that shined. I could feel boys staring at her. She was so skinny. It was disgusting. It wasn't the anorexic type of skinny. It was the other kind. The kind that was just naturally really skinny. She had a gorgeous smile. It was the type of gorgeous even girls like Rachel would have ot admit was just unbelievable. I felt weird tohugh looking at her.

"Yeah," I said.

She nodded. "Me too." We both looked at the backs of the peoples heads in front of us. She was a few inches taller than me. She looked at me again. "I'm Rainie by the way."

"I'm Elisa," I said.

"Oh," She said smiling brighter. Her eyes shined so much suddenly. "You're Bennett's friend. He told me about you. It's nice to finally meet you." I wondered if I should say I've heard about her too. But we both jsut looked back towards where he was singing. He sounded amazing. "He's a good guy." I looked at her. She crossed her arms. "He's jsut been through a lot of stuff- I figure you heard what happened." She looked at me I saw her eyes were more grey. "But he's a great person. We all have skeletons in our closet, but out of all of us he let's the world see that most. And he is just a beautiful person. You're lucky he's really letting you get to know him."

I was shocked. Listening to her. Rainie Joseph who tried to get Bennett to sleep with her and was by far the most gorgeous girl in the entire state- was "putting a good word in" for Bennett. I've seen Cass do it a million times for Miles when he didn't have the guts to walk up to a girl and and talk to her. I didn't believe she was doing this after a few seconds. We both just listened. I came late. His text message said he started playing around seven forty five. But I left my house at 8:07. I missed most of his set.

I pushed my hair out of my eyes. The couple in front of me were standing very close. They really liked each other because they were talking quietly and smiling at each other a little.

"Rain!" We both looked over at the broad boy- Paul Spinella- the guitarist. He wasn't that scary. He waved to her and looked towards Bennett. She turned to me.

"Sorry, I have to go, but hey are you hanging around?" She asked.

"I don't know-" I really didn't. I would probably leave right after Bennett's set. He said it varied how long it lasted in his text message. I'd have to wait until I knew Dave would not be at my house because they were meeting up at the club around 8:30 now. Since they were playing at nine for now on. I didn't know why Paul was here though. He should be onstage right now.

"So, I'll see you around." She said smiling. It wasn't mean the way she said it. She was very friendly. And she said goodbye and went over to Paul. I watched them. He was watching Bennett not even noticing her. There were three boys watching her. Most of which I didn't recognize. Probably from idfferent towns. She looped her arms around Paul's neck he looked at her smiling. His slididng around her waist. That's when I saw it. They were in love. Like Bennett had always said. That's when I realized it: I didn't love Dave. I couldn't. I never did. Even after today.

* * *

Sean stopped playing with Bennett the moment that song ended. And Bennett started playing on his own. Playing cover songs. And he sounded amazing. I stood there in the back. Not even seeing him. And all I paid attention to was his voice. Rainie and Paul were gone. And suddenly he was playing his last song. Which was a cover of "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional. He was better than the original in my opinion.

The crowd split up. And I was pushed off to the side. These kids- although i looked and dressed just like them -were intimdating and I was just invisible. and I would have gone, but Bennett had seen me. "Elisa?"

I turned seeing him. A water bottle in his hand looking at me. And his face changed. To something so weird. But I could tell from far away. He knew. I walked up to him. "I jsut found out today." I said after a few seconds of silence.

And witohut a word he stepped closer to me. His arms moving around me. He held me close against him. He was warm and welcoming. He was my friend. He wasn't a boy. Or Bennett Williams. He wasn't a faggot. And he wasn't trying ot break me and Dave up. He was just there. Offering me a friend and someone to hold onto.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked when he let go.

I didn't know what to say at first. Then he asked a simpler question. "Do you want me to get you a drink?"

I suddenly felt different looking at him. Nothing had changed. He was still my friend. And jsut that. But I jsut felt... something. Standing there looking at him. When our eyes met it was like I was shocked by somethign electical and my brain felt like it wasn't getting enough oxygen. "Sure," I said.

We ended up sitting on a counch facing the wall. It had probably been turned and pushed out of the way. But we sat facing each other. And somehow I just talked to him. He listened. Not just waiting to put in whatever comment he wanted. He listened. And when I finished he started talking. He's known since the day we first talked. And I relaized he had always known. From how he acted around me sometimes. He always seemed to have known. And he said that Dave was a dick. And he said things that made me feel better. Then we just started talking.

We had about three drinks each. And he made me stop thinking about Dave after I was all talked out about that. He had cheated on me with three different girls and was still doing it. I had a feeling he knew I knew. And Bennett and I just started talking. And we were just friends talking at a party when we were one drink away from getting drunk. And that feeling I had looking at him would not go away.

It was late. I saw the clock neither of us paid any attention to. And I started panicking. "I should go." I said. I got up but he stood in my way. He was so much taller than me. Not by two feet. But I always felt like he was so much bigger than he was. From my point of view he was. But suddenly I was jsut looking up at him. And he was looking at me. His eyes in a different language as they always were.

"I'll walk you home." He said. I pushed my bangs behind my ears weighing everything out. "I'm going home to, I'll be walking by you're street anyway."

"Okay," I said. I smiled a little. "sure."

And he smiled at me. Nobody seemed to notice us leave. We just did. Nobody seemed to care. But we were jsut walking in the middle of November together. It was cold-ish. And we were quiet. All we heard were our footsteps. Echoing off the pavement. No matter how quietly we were walking they were all I could hear. "Elisa." He said. I looked at him through the dark. "I know I've said this before. And I'm sorry I keep saying this. But you're such a beautiful person... someone like Dave, if he can't see that and he can do somethign liek this to you, then he really doesn't deserve you. You're one of those people who... I don't know. I mean I feel like I know you so well. I don't know why. I jsut feel like with someone like you, you shouldn't be wasting your time with someone who can't see that. I mean, when I see you guys, he jsut overshadows you. Like you're not even there. With someone like you- when you're with the right person that shouldn't happen. I don't even know how he can do that."

"It's how I am." I said quietly.

"No," Bennett said. "Elisa, you have to be one of those amazing people that nobody can ever forget. I mean, I barely know you and I think that. And if you seriously loved Dave he would see that, and nobody- as shitty as a person Dave is- would ever let someone like you slip by."

I was quiet. I felt his eyes penetrating the darkness. Watching me. I remained quiet as we passed another street. "I'm breaking up with Dave." I said.

Bennett didn't answer. I could barely see him. There were no stars in the sky. The clouds even hid the moon. Either that or it was just gone. And in the shadows I just knew by the osund of his footsteps that he was walking beside me still there. Listening to my voice replay over and over again as they hung silently by the invisible stars.

We stopped under a streetlight.

To say goodbye. He slide his hands into his pockets. "Are you okay?" He asked me.

I looked at him a little trying to understand what I could answer this with. I smiled when our roles were once reversed. "I think so." He remembered to, because he smiled a little too. His eyes falling to the ground. And then he looked at me again. His face going back to a natural stare. His skin was washed out under the light. We stood right in the center of it. But his eyes lost no color, they were still the sweet soft brown not even losing one of the layers that shaded what he was thinking from me.

"So I guess this is goodbye." I said quietly. My voice in a whisper. The silence was finally beating me.

He nodded. "Goodbye." But neither of us moved a muscle. We stayed where we were. Just lookign at each other. after a few seconds. I started thinking he was probably waiting for me to move first. To walk away. But i was just standing there looking at him. I decided I should move and hope this situation didn't get really awkward and strange.

But he beat me.

He stepped closer to me. Covering more space than I ever thought one step could. But I realized we hadn't been that far apart in the first place. His hands were warm on my skin. They were barely against it, but they were there. And suddenly all I could think of was Dave. Seeing an image of him in my head. Staring at me like the framed picture of someone long gone. I closed my eyes. In an attempt that Bennett would disappear, his touch suddenly fade form my skin. And I would open them and they'd be gone. My heart was beating fast sending blood through my flesh.

Then suddenly his lips were soft against mine. I didn't tihnk it was possible but my heart started beating, as if turned on alike a machine taking over my mind and body. Dave was gone. And all I could do was keep my eyes closed. My hands moved to his hair. And I kissed him back. All of this energy exploded between both of us. On either end there had to have been something that was ignited bursting within us. In the middle of November. I never felt something like this before. My mind was racing and my heart was so alive.

And we let this feeling last as long as we could. Before our foreheads were leaned agaisnt each other. Catching our breathe slowly. It had been lost within us. And his eyelids flickered open. I didn't know what jsut happened. He kissed the corner of my mouth. It was soft. I turned my lips to find his. I wasn't sure what I was doing or feeling.

We ended up outside a red door.

He kissed me softly before the door opened and we slipped inside. Unheard and unnoticed by anyone. And all I felt was my hand in his. And I followed him into the dark, not knowing what light would be waiting at the end of it. Just knowing the last light I had seen was a streetlight.

His room was dark. And he found my face. He was just a shadow to me. His lips were soft against mine. And I closed my eyes. Not believing if this was real. But somehow it was. nothing had been more real before this to me. And we were jsut kissing in the quiet. My legs brushed something soft. And we both felt back. Not knowing where we would land. But we trusted each other. And we could always find out way back out.

* * *

"I should go." I said softly. His heartbeats filling my ear. I hadn't slept with him. I'll put that on the record. I'm not even sure how this happened. But it was late. I had been trying ot come up with sometihng to say for the last ten minutes. Worryied about his parents hearing me or sneaking out. I couldn't stay here long. But I was close to falling asleep. I thought he was but he answered me right away.

"No," He said softly. "Few more minutes." He was whispering. His voice tired and soft. Faint. I started to get off of him. My arm reaching down to find my shirt. I covered myself with it. We had done everything from the waist up. I was getting off but he kissed me. "No, don't go, Elisa." He said my name the way he always did but it sounded different to me. Like I hadn't heard a certain element that was hidden every time he said it. His hands were warm on my skin.

"I have to go." I said softly agaisnt his lips. I started getting off of him. His hand found mine in the dark. He held on for a few seconds. But he let go. And I slipped away.

I slide on my bra, sitting on the edge of his bed reaching back. He moved so I was sitting in between his legs. The same way Dave and I had when we studied. But I didn't think of that. It was Bennett. His hands took over redoing my clasp. And then he slid his hands around my waist pulling me back agaisnt him. "Why do you have to go?" He whispered into my neck.

"You're parents are going to hear me." I said. So quietly.

"No," He said. His voice changed a little. "My parents are divorced. My mom works nights at the hospital."

I sat there quietly. "I still have to go." I said.

He didn't answer this time. I got up. He let me slip through his hands again. I slide my shirt on over my head. Then I pulled on my sweatshirt. And stepped into my shoes. He sat there. Staring blankly at the floor. I stood there for a few seconds waiting for him to say something. "so, I guess this is goodbye." I said finally.

He nodded. No response.

He was using me. I turned to leave. "I'm never doing this again with you." He said.

I turned. He pulled his t-shirt over his head. He sounded so cold. I jsut looked at him for a few seconds. "What?" My voice was so quiet.

"Look, I get it," He stood up. Fixing his shirt a little more. "You're boyfriend- the guy you were in love with -cheated on you. And then you find me. Story of my life. It's just," Then I understood everything. Christine. Rainie. Any rumor I ever heard about him using girls. It all made sense. "This jsut happens to me over and over again. I bring it on myself. It's not that I don't like you, Elisa," He was getting softer and quieter. His voice sounding so vulnerable and hurt. "I like you so much. I just can't do this anymore- especially with you. I don't want to be your key to revenge or your little fling. I'm sick of being that. I want ot be the guy that punches the sense out of that person. I need this to be more than that."

By then I was standing close to him. Waiting for him to finish. He looked at me. So hurt so scared. I knew just what he was thinking somehow. And I was never so sure about something ever. It all was jsut falling into place. I leaned up and kissed him softly. A voice came out of me. Somethign I didn't recognize. It was someone else speaking through me.

"This means everything."

* * *

**A/N:** When I chekced my e-mail and saw that I had five reviews I was out of my mind. I was smiling like crazy. Reviews make me feel so freaking happy. This has to be one of my favorite part of any story I've ever written to write.** Review please. I love hearing what you think more than anything. Reviews make updates come faster. :)**


	24. Chapter 24

Chapter 24

When my eyes opened I was still exhausted. I panicked. Not knowing where I was. Then a pair of arms wrapped around me. I moved in closer. I had tohught it was Dave. But he smelled different. And he was skinnier. And listening to his chest agaisnt my ear I jsut knew. And I stayed where I was. I remembered everything.

There was nothing said. We jsut relaized we were both awake. I didn't know what it would be like to see his face today. But I realized that the light at the end of the darkness was breaking through his blinds. Casting warm slits on my arm as well as his. We moved suddenly. He let go of me. And rolled onto his back, rubbing his eyes. "Goodmorning." He said sleepishly smiling at me a little.

"Hi," I said softly.

Then all of a sudden he kissed me. I thought about Dave. I had done just what he had done to me. Except I don't think it was nearly as bad. He had slept with different girls. Bennett and I had just hooked up. And somehow I think I had done it for the right reasons. Because kissing Bennett that morning made me feel warm and happy inside. I could have msiled for weeks if I wasn't thinking about Dave. Bennett moved to his side. His head resting on his upper arm- which was bent in upwards holding the top of his bed rest. He pushed hair out of my face and just looked at me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.

He leaned forward closing his eyes kissing me one more time. His lips soft against mine. I wanted it to last forever again. We both got up. He put his shoes on as I did. Then he got his keys off of the table near a closet door. "I'll give you a ride home."

It was smart. Him giving me a ride home. Non of the neighbors would see me cutting across lawns with my hair proably a disgusting mess and my clothes form yesterday leavign a boy's house at eight in the morning. It would have been obvious to them what had happened. And my mother would be notified and then she'd expect me to tell Dave. Because I couldn't bring myself to tell her Dave cheated on me now when it was still frsh in my head.

But it didn't hurt anymore. Knowing he had cheated on me. I thought more about how I was going to break up with him than what had happened. Bennett stopped in my driveway. Next ot my car. We looked at each other for a few seconds. He smiled a little. "So, I guess this is goodbye."

"For real this time?" I asked smiling.

"Yeah," He said sighing. "Unfortunatly."

We still looked at each other not moving. He leaned in and kissed my forehead. Then we both said goodbye for real this time. I got out of his car. Looking back as he watched me walk up to my house. He waved a little. He didn't want me to go. Neither did I. But sometihng pushed me inside. With my own door between us. My big black one. I leaned my back agaisnt it. Sliding down to the floor. My house was silent. I looked around. It was the same as Bennett's had been. Except his wasn't half as bad because we weren't alone. We were together.

I closed my eyes hugging myself.

I fell hard for Bennett Williams. And he liked me back the same.

* * *

When I looked in the mirror I thought I looked older. I stayed in my house. Shut off from the world. Accumulating voicemails from Dave and not being able to bring myself to leave on for Bennett. Calling him and hanging up when I got to his voicemail. Avoiding Dave was so easy. I jsut didn't answer the door and parked my car in the garage. My mother was gone all weekend. Sunday night I went over Cass'.

"Thank god you're alive!" She said throwing her amrs around me. "I was going to go over and see if you died in your house someplace. where the fuck have you been?"

"Home," I said. "Is Miles here?" I stepped inside.

She shook her head. "Nah,"

I nodded. The door closing behind me. "I'm breaking up with Dave." I said.

"You haven't yet?" She asked.

"Well, I need to talk to someone first." I said, she saw me smiling a little. I tried to look serious. Not smile. She was waiting anxiously. "I talked to someone Friday, and I don't know, I think I need to talk to them before I break up with Dave."

Bennett. I needed to talk to him first. Because everythign was different now. I wasn't breaking up for Dave jsut for me any longer. A small part of myslef would be breaking up with Dave for me and Bennett. And if Bennett and I were more than just a hook-up and a Friday night then there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be breaking up with Dave for Bennett. Which was something I needed to figure out. And I needed to talk to him first. I didn't know what to tell Cass.

"Who?!?" She asked excitedly.

"Cassandra!" it was her mother. "Jesus, keep it down."

"Sorry!" She yelled back up to her mother.

"Who?" Without a word we went into her basement. I hadn't decided to tell her or not. She was my best friend. I wanted to tell somebody.

I swallowed. "I stayed over Bennett's house." It came out all wrong. Before I could reword it:

"What!?!" She said loudly. "You couldn't sleep with Dave and now Bennett Williams? Oh god-"

"No,no,no." I said. "It's not like that. We hooked up."

She wasn't as excited anymore. "You really like him, don't you?" She asked.

"Yeah,"

"Does he like you back?" She asked. "Miles said some people saw him leaving this party with Rainie Joseph on Friday."

I smield a little. "That was me."

We were sitting on the couch now. She hit the cushion with her hand. "No!" She said smiling. "He's so cute." And it was liek we were in middle school again. "how are you going to dump Dave then?"

"That's what I need to figure out."

* * *

The next day I left early for school. Hoping it would help me avoid Dave and find Bennett both. But it only helpd me avoid Dave. Everything I did was suppsoed to help me accomplish both. But somehow Bennett was avoiding me. In English his back was to me suddenly. We were busy finishing _Catcher in the Rye_ so there was no time for me ot go up and talk to him. And at the end of English I had to rush out.

"Elisa!"

It was Dave's voice. Sometimes I hate being short. But running down the hallways away from that voice, I never took being a little short for granted. At lunch I sat outside with Cass and Miles. It was freezing cold but we sat outside for me. So Dave couldn't find me. And I couldn't find Bennett at lunches either. There were no signs of hm in my life anywhere. He had been unavoidable now he was gone. Dave was easier to avoid than Bennett.

I had a feeling Bennett hadn't believed what I had said that night. Maybe I was just another girl to him. Who used him.

But in my locker there was a CD at the end of the day. It said my name in the neatest messy handwriting you'd ever see. I rushed out to my car to avoid Dave. But when I put it into my car stereo I found Bennett.

"This Ruined Puzzle" by Dashboard Confessional.

At my shift at the coffeeshop I worked. Becky came in late. She looked at me grinning. "Hey," She said.

"Hi,"

She knew. I knew she did. She was all weird around me. Around five this big nice black car came parked in front of the window. A skinny girl came out. Followed by a much broader boy. It was Rainie. She came right in not waiting for Paul. Walking right up ot the register. "Hi," She said to me. "I'm so relieved I found you." She was out of breathe. "God," She slowed down her sentences. "I am so sorry about Friday night. I was totally talking him up to you and dropping hints like a complete toolshit would. I didn't know you are seeing someone. This has never happened to me before, please forgive me. And don't tell Bennett a single word I said. Pretend I never even said them."

I looked at her raising my eyebrows.

"Oh god, I screwed everything up again didn't-"

"No," I said shaking my head. "It's fine. I'm actually going to break up with my boyfriend soon."

She looked at me grinning. She turned to Paul who was standing by the door. "I hate it when you're right." She said to him. He just sighed smiling shaking his head. She turned back to me. "I'm so sorry again. This never happened?"

"No," I said smiling. "It didn't."

"Okay cool." She said. "So, um," She nodded smiling at me goofily. "I'll see you around." I smiled a little. Nodding. Saying goodbye.

She walked back over to Paul. "I told you so." I heard him say. I watched them go.

I remembered what Bennett had said to me. He wanted to be in a realtionship liek Paul. He wanted to be the one "to punch sense into" the type of person Bennett was right now. He wanted to be like Rainie and Paul to some extent. It was clear it was neat impossible to get to a relationship at their level. They were in love for real. I did too.

Becky came up beside me. "She's so dorky it's hysterical. Together they are hilarious to watch." She said. "One time they were talking about the Gap. He worked there I guess when they first started dating. What she was saying was just hysterical but he was jsut listening to her and smiling because he knew she was being completely ridiculous."

"They're perfect together." I said quietly. I felt comfortable to some extent around Becky. She played with her lip ring with her tongue. "I know." She said.

Then we went back to jsut working.


	25. Chapter 25

Chapter 25

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is a complete jock to most people. In middle school there's this big race. But at the high school it's the Variety Show. And I managed to avoid Dave until then. I was walking to English. And his hand found mine.

"Elisa, come on, why are you avoiding me?"

I just looked at him. I really had no idea what to say. I yanked my hand away from him. "I really can't do this." I said.

"Can we at least talk soon?" He asked. "I just want to explain..."

"Yeah, sure." I said. And I started walking down the hallway.

"Elisa, I'm sorry for whatever I did."

Bennett had been sitting unbothered. I was going ot go up ot him but they called the acts in the Variety Show to go. I was standing there watching him pass as a jock gave him the slow clap. And Bennett just passed me smiling a little bit. The kind of smile that makes you weak and I just smield back a little. And he was gone.

Yesterday I had found this Cursive song in my locker. It was the same as the Dashboard Confessional CD. One song. And it spoke for him. I wasn't sure what he was doing. Maybe he was just waiting for me to make the first move. And I was trying. But he was avoinding me it seemed. And it was so hard to jsut talk to him.

Cass smiled at me when I walked over to my desk dropping my books onto the top of it. "He's still not talking to you?"

I shook my head. "I talked to Dave though."

And she just nodded. She stayed out of it. I don't think she understood this any mroe than I did. I think I understood it more than she ever could. And I jsut barely got a grasp of whatever Bennett was trying to do.

* * *

The auditorium was loud and full. Cass and Miles were talking. About this Death Cab for Cutie show they wanted to go to. I was going too if I could get myself a ticket. Which I could now that I had a job. But I lost all interest eventually. But everyone fell silent when the principal went onto the stage with a microphone.

He went on about this and that. How talented these individuals are and how hard it was to choose even tohugh they only cut three acts. It must have been harder deciding who was worse- and I know that sounds mean but there is no real talent in botching up a broadway showtune. And then it began.

Across the auditorium each act there were undeniable snots and people holding back laughter. It was that bad. Kerrington isn't quite talented until the last two acts whom everyone knew about by now. Three Cheers and The "Emo Faggot."

When Bennett walked onstage. He looked like he always had to me. Like he was a legend on some invisible pedestal. "Fag" was hissed at the stage from about four different directions. But he just slide his guitar over his shoulders and leaned into microphone playing a few simple chords. "I was going to do a cover... but I'm going to play a song I just wrote. It's about a girl." He said. Then he started playing. Some smooth pretty chords. And he searched the crowd with his eyes. He found me. His deep brown eyes swallowed me into them. And I felt like I fell a hundred feet. Leanging into the microphone, he started singing.

It was less than a week ago where we were under a streetlight. Nobody knowing we were there in the entire universe than us. And he stole me right there, thrity feet away from me. With his voice, and his eyes. Bennett Williams said all he needed to in a song. That tore me to pieces and put me back together.

He was the legend. _The _Bennett Williams. Singing the most beautiful song to _me_.

When he finished the auditorium clapped and a few kids- his friends cheered for him. But he jsut broke eye contact with me and walked offstage. Leaving the microphone for Mrs. Masons. Who begand her ten minute long speech.

I was halfway down the isle. "Where are you going?" A teacher spit at me when I was at the doors out.

"I have to go to the bathroom." I said. And he was hissing at me some more but I was already into the halls going to where the "dressing room" was. I walked in. Bennett wasn't there. But I wasn't looking for him. Dave slid off of the desk he had been sitting on.

"Elisa," He said. And he hurried to me. Kissing me. But I pushed him back. And I looked him in the eyes. For the first time, I felt stronger than Dave. The boy I "loved" and the boy I had given everything to. He had cheated on me. He had broken my heart. And I told him that. And I broke up with him. Not for me-and-Bennett. For me. And what I wanted. I felt like I was powerful again. But I was so scared of that feeling all of a sudden. I didn't like feeling it. I just wanted Dave to stay out of my life. For good.

He looekd so hurt. Staring blankly listening. He didn't say anything. When I finished they called him and the other three to get onstage. The room was quieter. Listening to me- Elisa-nobody-emo-silent-Simmons -dump Dave Jenks. Popular perfect goodlooking Dave form the band Three Cheers. The room emptied all of a sudden. People looking at me and whispering. I hated it. But I was never so relieved.

The door to the dressing room wouldn't stay open. Leaving me alone in an empty room. I relaxed. I felt it all lift off of me. And all I could hear was Bennett's voice singing to me. Me.

I saw someone. Looking up. He was standing up. He had been agaisnt the wall sitting. The place I hadn't tohught to see him. He had been blocked by a box full of props. We just looked at each other for a few seconds. I felt like my stomach wason a roller-coaster as I was frozen standing there looking at him.

We both smiled a little. He started walking towards me. Not syaing anything.

"Was that about me?" I asked.

He smiled standing a foot away form me now. "Did you like it?"

"I loved it." I said. We didn't say anything for a few more minutes. I heard the guitars clashing in the auditorium. "Were you avoiding me?" I asked looking down a little.

"I was waiting." He said. "I wanted to see if you meant what you said."

"I did."

"I know." He said quietly. And then we were jsut lookign at each other. He leaned down and kissed me. It was really soft and jsut like our first. My hands went into his hair. Nobody in the universe but us knew about this. Some people knew it was coming, but we were the only ones who really knew.

The bell rang. The day was over. But I was outside the school before anyone even stepped foot. He was waiting. His car pulled up front. I wasn't sure where we were going. But we jsut left. Nobody in the world knowing but us. And it was a good feeling knowing that. I felt invincible.


	26. Chapter 26

Chapter 26

It was Friday after Thanksgiving. Black Friday, and unlike any morning I have past worked at Carol's Coffeeshop with Becky- today I was happy. Not tired or exhausted. I made myself a cup of coffee. Filling it with cream and sugar and taking a sip. Everything was warm. But that was only inside of me. On the oustide I was the same.

Becky had on highlighter pink nail polish today. I wondered if she repaints her nails everymorning or night. I've never seen her with the same color on her fingernails more than three days in a row. She walked by me at frist. A zombie making herself an extra large coffee with eight sugars. When she did, and had taken a few sips staring out over the empty coffeeshop. Carol in the city for her holiday.

She looked at me. "Ready?" She asked.

"Yes," I said.

She walked over to the front door flipping over the sign. We were open.

* * *

Even on Black Friday it started out slow. It was eight. And barely anyone came in. We lagged around. Working together so we both had something to do. She took the money I made the coffee or the other way around. The bells ringing when someone came in fell into a rhythem. People coming and going.

It can get hectic. We're both serving our own person. Making coffee and pouring praying for it to slow down when an hour beofre we were wishing for it to speed up. But it always slows down. And almsot on cue the door opens. I was making coffee for some guy. "Becky-baby!" It was Sean.

"Hi!" She said smiling. I gave this man him coffee he nodded and brought it directly to his lips and walked out quickly.

That's when my oxygen was cut off. My breathe was lost and I got butterflies. And it was the good kind. He smield a little at me. His face changing the same way I had felt mine. Then we went right into friend mode. Becky and Sean going on as Becky got him the same coffee to match hers. I got the one Bennett usually got. It was the same a routine now.

He inched over to where I was pouring his coffee. "How was your Thanksgiving?" He asked. His chest and below was cut off by the coffeemachines in between us.

"It was good, how was yours?"

He smiled a little. "My grandmother makes good pie." We had been on the phone the night beofre Thankgiving until three in the morning. He had just gone to his grandmother's with his mother and his aunts and his cousins. Nothing big. Mine was a feast. My grandmother and greandfather-in-law and my mother's five brothers and sisters and all of their kids and Amber.

I smiled putting a cap on his coffee handing it to him over the machine. He looked tired but even on Saturdays him and Sean usually were here in the mornings. Always when our shifts got slow. It was a routine. Except now Bennett seemed to have a reason to come here.

* * *

We were just driving. He playes a record and we didn't talk much. Finally I told him that I broke up with Dave for me. And I wanted to be with him. And he said that's what he wanted me to realize. Even if I didn't want to ever talk to him again he just wanted me to do something for myself.

"We can't 'go out' right now." I had told him.

And we were a "secret" but more or less we were just together. But if anyone asked we were just friends. And in front of everyone we just were that. We were just friends.

My mother didn't know I was single. Cass did and she was so happy for me. But other than that Cass was the only one who knew. Sean did, but I'm not sure about Becky. Because she wasn't treating me any different and something like this would make her say something. Dave had called my cell phone. And though I never admit it to anyone, not even Bennett, I got really sad seeing his name on my caller ID. Because I could have loved him once. Before I slept with him and was trying to hard to be everything for him. When he was the good boy who made me feel all gittery and happy.

With Bennett he made me feel warm and happy. I trusted him with things I souldn't have on the phone Wednesday. And I would tell him anything. And he told me a lot of things too. We have a lot in common. But I don't know yet. I am trying to figure out what about him gives me this warm feeling. But it's so new. I don't think I'm used to it being a part of me at all.

I have three CDs at home. With my name printed on him in the neatest messy handwriting on the planet. I got one on Wednesday in my locker. And the first two I knew. But the last I didn't. It was new but it made me feel sometihng when I heard it. It was beautiful. But it had no words. It was jsut sounds.

But it made me feel the way Bennett did.

He took a sip. Startign to say something. Then suddenly the door opened and we heard two voices talking softly. Not loudly or obnoxiously but they were real. We both looked. Me and Bennett. He turned back to me long before I had stopped watching them.

When I looked at him, his face had changed. It hurt him seeing Rainie and Paul together I think. But I'd never know. His eyes were still the same. Unreadable as anytihng in the world.

_He isn't over her_.

Paul came up and got coffee. Rainie sitting at their table. Watching Paul. And Bennett and me. Bennett was strugling to go back to normal talking. But we were both so aware of them. Paul and Bennett looked at each other. "Hey,"

"Hey,"

I was scared of Paul. Knowing he had punched Bennett for "trying to get Rainie to sleep with him." I knew he had the heart to love someone. But to hurt someone because of that seemed scary. Bennett never would do that. Dave would without thinking.

Kevin who works here too. Came in. And he told us we could go. That's how it worked here.

Walking out of that coffeeshop was a relief. Because Rainie had been looking at Bennett and I don't know what she had been tihnking. There is still a lot I don't know about Bennett.


	27. Chapter 27

Chapter 27

It was later and for one of the first times I had nothing to do on a Friday night. I was bored and remembering that only one short week ago I had realized that Bennett felt the same way about me. But it was still early. My cell phone rang tohugh, as I thought this. I looked at the Caller ID.

Answering it. His voice filled my ears emptying butterflies into my stomach. I was smiling. "Hi," He said. "What's up?"

"Nothing, you?" I sat back from my seat at my computer. I was trying ot find the third song on the third CD from him on the internet. I couldn't find it easily. He responded smoothly. "Nothing."

But nobody ever means that. "There's this party tonight I'm playing." He said. "I mean, it's no big deal if you can't go, but I don't know a lot of kids going and it's a Coolen on so I don't usually hang out afterwards... but if you're not doing anything maybe you could go and we could hang out after. I feel like we haven't had a chance to hang out yet."

I was smiling a little. "Yeah, sure." We've never really hung out. I was going to the Death Cab for Cutie concert tomorrow with Cass and Miles. I wanted to just be with him. Bennett. "Where is it?"

He was smiling you could hear it through the phone. "It's on this really random street. Do you know where Coolen is? On the intersection?"

"Yeah," I said. Coolen was this huge big grey building. It was the opposite of Kerrington's pink brick. But both were probably as welcoming as any school would be. Which means both weren't very welcoming at all.

"Well if you pass Coolen and keep going straight you'll start coming to these woods and its like Bloomberg Street or something... Bloomberg Way- Bloomberg-something -and it's in this really long drive way. Do you know what I'm talking about?"

"Yes," I said. "Bloomberg Path."

"Yeah," He said. "That's it."

"When are you playing?" I asked.

"The same as last time. But you don't have to hear me play. I mean we could even just meet up afterwards if you wanted."

"No, I want to hear you play, I love your music." I said. I felt embarrassed saying this. Like I was being clingy and strange. I didn't want to scare him off. "It's fine."

"Are you sure?" Most boys sound fake saying this. Bennett sounded sincere.

"Positive." I said smiling a little. Gaining confidence.

"Alright, call me if you need help getting there though." He said, I could hear him smiling again. "I could give you-"

"Actually," I interrupted. I thought of Cass suddenly. "My friend has notihng to do tonight she was looking for something." This was the complete truth. "She knows where this place is, she could give me a ride."

"Alright," He was smilign still. "Sounds good."

"I'll see you then," I said. I sounded so much more confident than I do in real life. Like Bennett and I switched roles or something.

"Bye," He said. "But call me if you get lost."

I laughed a little. "I will," I said. "Bye."

* * *

Miles got there right on time. We were in fact early, about fifteen minutes before Bennett would play but there was no chance finding him. The party was pretty big. The emo-crowds from the two schools were mixed together. Miles knew about this because his friends were all in the garage doing who knows what.

I climbed out of the back seat of Mile's Honda Pilot. It's black. Cass always sits in the front and plays all the CDs she forces Miles to buy. He doesn't complain though. He would never take Cass for granted ever. Same as me.

It was crowded and loud. The music overpowering from downstairs. Bennett wasn't playing yet, so they were just playing records. Mostly metal ones at that. But it reminded me of the party last week. Except tongiht I felt like I was supposed to be here. My feet didn't want ot run away in the other direction. I walked around the upstairs, a place I never usually went to at these parties.

I have nothign agaisnt these kids. In fact I fit in finer with them than any other place- it's just how intimidating they are. Most of the boys are scary. Skinny-skinny versions of Paul Spinella everywhere. The girls remind me of Cass and Becky, except with much more eye make-up and a little less smiling. But they all know each other. Coming together almost every Friday or every good show as one while the jocks hate each other to no end. It's because Coolen beat us in the play-offs last year in football and soccer. Kerrington's baseball team could beat Coolen's anyday though.

"Elisa?" I look behind me. Not recognizing the voice right away. Over the music it was different. But it was Sean squeezing through two people to reach me. In his hand he has a red cup much like ninety percent of the room. "Hey."

"Hi," I say. I'm not intimidated by sean by how he looks at all. In fact he looks like he should be in middle school right now, at the dance in the hall downtown instead of here. I run my finger through my hair. The reason I'm nervous around Sean is because he's Bennett's best friend.

"He's downstairs getting ready," He said casually. "Getting paid and stuff..."

"Oh," I said. "Alright." I hadn't been looking for Bennett. In fact I guessed he would already be downstairs but I figure I shouldn't be rude and say I wasn't looking for Bennett. I figure Sean would repeat that ot Bennett and it would come around ot get me. "Thanks." I smile a little.

"He really likes you." Sean said sipping his beer. "He was a wreck on the phone when I made him call you. His past expiriences with stuff liek this aren't good, you know?"

I nodded. I don't think this was a conversation kind of subject.

"With Rainie and everything- he's just been through a lot I guess. I don't know- you know how he is. He doesn't like going on and on about his problems. It's not good but- he lets them just eat him up inside. He's been a lot happier lately." Sean said all this slowly. Casually. Not even sounding weird with his voice jsut rising over the loud music where I was the only one who heard it. "Just don't tell him I said all of this to you. He'll wigg out or something at me."

I smield a little. "I won't," I said.

"Kay, see you downstairs." Sean said. He waved and started wlaking away. I did too. My head was absorbing all of what Sean had said.

By the time it all had registered I was standing in a group of kids downstairs. Too short to see Bennett over the crowd but hearing his voice reach me through all these people. That was enough for me. He didn't play the song he had written me. But he played all three of the songs he had left in my locker. Not one after the other but through his set of songs. And my heart didn't stop pounding all night long.

* * *

He started his car. I was getting used to it by now. Everything was becoming natural to me. But ot everyone else we were jsut two friends. Him driving me home. When really we jsut ended up behind a red door. But this time we weren't lost in the dark.

His room was this forest green. He had a bookcase full of books, and another that matched full of CDs. Only one shelf was real copies the others were all homemade. And he had two catefuls of vinyls. Which he liked better I think. Because when we were inside he went right over and put a record on. We sat on the floor, a tan carpet. Our backs against his bed.

He slipped his fingers into mine. His fingers were much longer than mine but my palm felt warm against his. "So how was I tonight?" He asked looking at me.

"Perfect," I said. There was no better word. His voice was amazing and he was so good.

He smiled. "Tell me the truth." He said.

"I did."

He kissed me. His lips soft against mine. "I don't believe you."

He squeezed my hand. "I liked those three covers." I said smiling a little. He smield back, kissing me again softly. "Which ones were they?"

"Dashboard Confessional," He said. "Cursive." He kissed me after saying each of these. Except the next kiss lasted longer than the first. I kissed him back. My lips parting slightly. But then I pulled back. He squeezed my hand. "Do you know the last one?" He asked.

I shook my head.

He smiled. "I'm not going to tell you." He said. "I'm surprised Elisa. And very disspointed in you." He kissed me though. His lips so soft and sweet. "I forgive you though."

I smile. "Come on, tell me please."

"No," He said smiling back at me. Everything is so strange when I see him smiling at me like this. He squeezes my hand again, a burst of warmth fills me with each. It's like he's injecting me with happiness. I can'tstop smiling. And I don't think he can either.

"Please?"

"Someday." He says. "After you hear Sunday Drive's record on vinyl." I open my mouth to offer something. "That's cheating- and impossible right now. I leant it to Sean."

I look down smiling. He kisses my temple.

Then we sit quietly for a few seconds listening to _Transalanticism._ My original favorite Death Cab for Cutie record, but I have to sya I've been listening to _The Photo Album_ a lot more after meeting Bennett. "Are you going to see them this weekend?" I ask him.

"Yes," He said. "Are you?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm going with Cass and her other friend."

"Really?" He said. "Maybe we'll see each other."

I smile. "Maybe,"

"I don't know if I could watch their set with you. If they play anything that makes me think of you, I think we might blow our cover." He said softly.

"Why?" I asked.

The song switched. "If they played this," He said softly. I was looking the the record player listening to his voice. Soft and gentle- filling me somewhere inside of my chest. I waited for him to continue. I looked at him ready to ask him what would happen next but his face was right there inches from mine. He just looked at me softly. It was soft and beautiful.

He leaned in and kissed me. My hand sliding away from his. Moving into his hair. And one of his hand went along my jaw. We kissed quietly. The record playing in the background. When the song finsihed he moved away. Blinking.

"If that happened," He said slowly. "I don't think people wold believe us when we said we were jsut friends."

I nodded. "I agree," I said softly.

His hand was still on my jaw. He smiled a little. Looking at me still steadily. His eyes: unreadable. "I liek you a lot, Elisa." He said.

"I like you a lot, too." I said back.

"I don't think you understand how much." He said shaking his head a little. "It's too soon, I know. I'm so sorry, but I just like you so much. I just don't understand how I could have never found you before."

I didn't answer. His eyes held contact with mine. I couldn't look away.


	28. Chapter 28

Chapter 28

When we walked under our streetlight, he let go of my hand. And we turned down my street. Right before we came out in front of my house, he slipped into the shadow of the fence between my house and our neighbors. He kissed me. Before he walked me halfway up to my door.

"Do you want me to call you tonight?" He asked, his hands sliding into his sweatshirt pockets.

My head felt liek it was spinning. I don't know how I could like one boy so much, after everything. "Yes," I said smiling looking up at him. He smiled back.

"Goodbye," I said softly.

"Bye," He said quietly.

I started walking up to my house. "Hey, since we're friends, maybe we can watch Death cab together tomorrow."

I stopped smilign at him. "But-"

He smiled back. "I promise," He said. "I'll keep you at arms length every song like that."

"Okay," I said. "Remember to call me."

"I would never forget." He said.

"Bye," I said.

"Bye," He said lifting an arm to wave.

We started walking in different directions. My house was warm. I hadn't realized how cold it had been. Being with Bennett had been enough for me. I didn't notice anything like that when I was with him. Amber was sitting in the living room. "Hey, kid." She said.

I stepped in waving. "Hi," I started walking out.

"He was cute." She said.

Somethign told me I didn't have a ticket out of that room yet. I walked in a few more steps than before. I nodded. "Yeah, it was my friend Bennett." I said.

"He's smiley." She said. "Like you're other friend with the pink hair."

"Her hair's orange now." I said.

"Does your boyfriend know about him?" She asked. She noticed I was hesitating majorly. "Mom ran out to the office real quick. There was a major disaster in the fax machine area."

I swallowed. She'll find out eventually- Amber. My mom too. But Amber was easier to tell first. "I'm not seeing Dave anymore." I said.

Amber wasn't surprised one bit. "What happened?" Her eyebrows folded a little.

I hadn't told anyone. Only Bennett. My sister should be the easy one. But so far I think Bennett was easier by a long shot. "He-" I swallowed again. There was this lump. "He cheated on me." Amber opened her mouth, her face finally surprised. "With three different girls."

She closed her more. Her eyes sympathetic. No matter how much I liked Bennett some place in my heart was still hurt by Dave. Not because he was such a great boyfriend- the last straw made him much more than the opposite. The worst boyfriend in the world- still had a part of me somewhere. Something I had given him when he was just Dave. The cute sweet boy who kissed me at a barbeque early summer and didn't think I wasn't good enough. Who said I was much more. Somewhere he changed, but I still think I loved that boy I first met. No matter how sweet Bennett is or how much of a great person he is. Dave still had a part of me no matter how much I didn't want him to or how much I resented him for it.

"Are you okay?" She asked.

I nodded.

"Then who is this 'friend'?" She asked. "You're not using him are you?"

My mood completely shifted. "Oh, no." I said shaking my head.

She raised her eyebrows. "Tell me this story sometime. I'm interested." She said. "Mom's gonna' be home any second. When she left she told me to make sure 'Dave brought you home on time' and 'to give you an extra hour, he's not very punctual.'" She winked at me. "I thought the other boy was very punctual."

I smiled a little. "sure, I'll tell you later.," I said. I went upstairs. Listening to that third CD. It sounded familiar. But I didn't know it still. On cue my mother's car pulled into the garage. Thank god for Amber.

* * *

**A/N:** _Sorry :\ I've been grounded becuase my room isn't clean. I snuck on tonight finishing up this chapter._ **It's short, I know. But I figured tomorrow you'll have a good meaty one to enjoy.**

_I've been reading Twilight. I thought it would be the dumbest book on the planet but it inspired me a lot. Which is why Bennett was a little bit creepy last chapter. I'll fix that later if it still bothers me. But it's not as creepy as I remember him acting. But he seems very Edward-esque. I love Stephanie Meyer's writing technique. It's rubbing in on mine. Now my own technique is inspired by a combination of Stephen Chbosky, Sarah Dessen, JD Salinger, and Stephanie Meyer. Oof. _**Let me know if you think I should fix the last chapter.**


	29. Chapter 29

Chapter 29

Cass turned around quickly when I slipped into the backseat. "Hi," She said grinning. "How's life?"

"Good?" I said my eyebrows folding together confused.

"And Bennett?" She said. Miles not reacting. He knew. Damnit Cass.

I swallowed. My mouth far from curling into a smile. I was getting good at pretending Bennett and I were just friends. I was perfecting it in fact. Tonight just a test. I didn't know what would happen. "Fine," I said. "Why?"

"Is he going tonight?" Miles asked. He looked at me through the rearview mirror. Smiling a little. Cass put him up to this.

I sighed sitting back. I crossed my arms. "Come on," I said. "You never gave me this about Dave or anyone in my entire life. Can you please not do this?"

"This is the first time I've seen you since you walked out of that auditorium." Cass said. "Did you tihnk I wouldn't slide in a few Bennett references here and there?"

I smiled a little. Looking down. We were already past the streetlight. And halfway out of Kerrington before Cass finally dropped Bennett as a conversation subject and moved on. But getting Bennett out of my head was nearly impossible. She played _The Photo Album_ not knowing it existed before tonight. "Steadier Footing" was haunting me with thoughts about that night. When we first really talked. His eye was better now. Not even discolored at all to me anymore. I felt warm inside. Not knowing what would happen tonight if I saw him. What I'd do. Or feel. It was all going to be found out the moment it all happened.

I sat back waiting for the two minutes to pass before the song changed. But Bennett was like and annoying song stuck in my head. I was thankful it stayed in my head. I like him so much.

* * *

The club was pretty small from the outisde. The line covering a block full of emo kids. I didn't see Bennett. But we hung around with the kids Miles knew who let us cut us. It was all Kerrignton kids around us. Some I knew some I just recognized. I saw Rainie jospeh with Paul Spinella talking and standing close to each other.

Paul still scared me. But he looked so soft around Rainie. I wasn't paying much attention to them. I- although I would never say this outloud- was scanning all of the faces around me for the familiar one. Or the smile that made my stomach shake. The sight of him. And I got it quickly. His back to me. I saw his shoulders the back of his head from about ten feel away. That was enoguh for me to form a hypothesis. Tonight would be hard. I don't think I would be able to watch Death Cab with him.

So I stuck by Cass and Miles hoping if we did run into each other, he would feel somethign similar to me.

The venue was bigger than I thought. We were all crowded in. Smushed together to wait and talk and start a small fire with our body heat that only multiplied under the lights above us and being so close together with the heat on. I missed being outside in the cold. We could see our breathe outside. Now it felt like summer.

An hour later the first band was doing their set. I could barely see them. I hate being short. I got up on my toes. Peaking over people's shoulders, seeing the lead singer moving across the stage. They were really good. I was going ot have to listen to them later on when I got home. But their set ended quickly the show beginning earlier than planned. Cut short.

Cass was standign close to me. We listened to the first few bands. The third one she leaned into my ear in between the third band's set and Death Cab's. "Miles and I are getting water, hold our place." And in a flash her bright hair was gone. Miels a black shape pushing people out of the way as they vanished. I couldn't go with her. My voice dying in my throat. I hated being alone.

I was sick of it. I moved around a little. People swallowing up their space right after I got some room of my own. I was sick of being alone. I thought of Dave. He wouldn't have been here. I would have stayed home most likely if he wanted to do something. But I had nothing holding me down to him anymore. I was alone in a crowded room.

Someone slid through the crowd. Coming up brushing behind me. "Hi,"

I turned my head. He was smilign at me. I moved over instantly. Not to make room for him. To move away. Shocked he was here. Draining me of reality with his smiling. I smield a little my head spinning from him sneaking up on me. "Hey," I said.

He looked around me. "Are you alone?" He sked, his eyebrows going down.

"Oh, no." I said looking behind me. Hoping for a burst of orange hair to emerge from the crowd or in the lights that washed it paler. "My friends are getting water. I had to hold their spot."

He smiled at me when I looked at him. "I saw you earlier." He said. "I didn't know if I should have gone up and said hello. I figured now would be perfect. I was scared you were alone."

I smiled. "Why would you be scared?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Scared was a euphamism for hoped." He said grinning. "I thought we were going to watch the show together."

I was smiling still. My face used to start aching whenever I smield this big for this long. But it didn't. It felt right to be smiling helplessly at Bennett. It felt like I was supposed to and I was genuine about it. "You said we should just watch Death Cab together." I said.

He smiled. "Arms length, remember?"

I laughed a little. And the lights dimmed. We both turned to the stage delayed. In the dark I could still see his unreadable eyes as two black marbles that shined in front of me. I wondered if he could see mine.

* * *

We were standign outside against the building. We had nailed being friends in public with only one slip. His hands were so warm. He held my hand during one of the songs. Only because it was that song and _Transatlanticism_ he said made him think of me. But nobody would have known. Nobody.

We were talkign about the show. He said I had to re-listen to one of Death Cab's early records because I had no idea. But orange hair filled the corner of my eye. Not long before Cass was calling my name not sure if she should approach me and Bennett. I turned.

"Hey, you ready to go?" She asked. "Miles already started the car, I promised I would meet him."

"I could give you a ride home." Bennett said suddenly. I turned back to him. He was sure. Not bluffing. "Sean and Becky just needed a ride here, they're going to IHOP later but I was going home, I could drive you."

"Are you sure that's okay with you?" I asked. I wanted to go with Bennett. We were still talking.

"It's perfectly fine with me, it's up to you. I get it if you want to go with your friends." He said.

I turned to Cass. "Bennett can give me a ride home." I said.

She smiled, not caring at all. Winking. "Ok-ay," She said and then she was gone.

I turned back to Bennett. We were just friends walking to his car. Still talking. "Hey, Bennett!" We both turned looking. It was Rainie smiling and waving at him. She winked noticably. Only a few feet away. Her fingers interwined with Paul's. He lifted a hand into a wave looking at both of us equally. I looked at Bennett, but he was just smiling . Not saying anything to either of them but jsut looking at me and looking down.

"She figured it out." He said under his breathe.

I smiled a little. I really can't help it whenever he's with me. "How?"

We were at his car before he answered me. He cleaned some CDs off of the front seat dumping them in the back. They weren't ones he's been listening to a lot lately. I noticed. Because he admitted outside of the club he was listening to Dashboard Confessional, Death Cab and The Get Up Kids' early stuff.

"Before Paul punched me I told her about you. And I work with Paul at the CD store at the mall..." He started backing out. The stereo remaining empty. As he dodged a couple of silhouettes walking behind his car. "And she asked me about you since apparently she talked me up for you. Which I didn't believe..."

"She did," I said smiling looking out the window. "She put in a good word for you."

"So I owe this all to her, huh?" He said grinning looking at me.

"I don't know, maybe." I said.

He leaned across me opening the glove compartment and taking out a record caught in a line to get out of the parking lot. "I told her if you don't mind." He handed the CD to me. This was natural. He couldn't put it in, we were moving now. "And Paul asked me about it."

"Paul?" I asked looking at him.

He looked back. "He's cool," He said suddenly knowing what I meant.

I put the CD into the stereo. Hitting play. "I've only told Cass." I said. He knew Cass by now. Seen her now for sure. Theres no way of missing her but now he had a name and a face. "And my sister."

"You have a sister?" He asked. "I didn't knwo that."

The music started playing. I looked at the CD cover. The Get Up Kids. _Four Minute Mile._ It sounded so familiar. "Yeah," I said putting the CD back into the glove compartment. "Her name's Amber. She was the reckless daughter I guess. Her and my mom don't get along at all anymore. She was all torn up about my dad leaving when she was still home that her and my mom just sort of stopped getting along and haven't ever since."

"What happened when you're dad left?" He asked in a quiet voice. "You've mentioned it but never said too much about it."

I thought abotu whether or not I should tell him. I never told this to anyone. But there was something about Bennett. I trusted him. I swallowed. "I don't know. I was most like him and we were both really quiet and Amber and my mom really butted heads a lot they were so alike. And my mom was getting so upset about what Amber was doing. She was sneaking out and drinking and she had a new boy every week. It stressed my mom out and then one morning my dad just... left. I mean he said goodbye and everything. But he just pakced up his things and walked out of the house and was gone. I don't know what happened to him. He's just... gone." I was slow saying all this. Forcing it all out. I felt some small closure within me. I had finally said something about it to someone. I never told this to Cass. Or even talked about it with my own sister and mother. It was just kept inside of me.

He was quiet for a few minutes. Taking this all in.

"My parents got divorced when I was born. I was a mistake I think or some pathetic attempt to sve whatever they called a marriage. And I never met my dad. Well I have talked to him on the phone. He lives a few towns away. But I can't forgive him. He just cut himself out of my life and left my mom alone. We had _no_ money when I was little. We moved here and my mom got her job. And my dad called. I was a freshman. I don't know- I could play baseball and shit and everything but hearing him coming into my life suddenly through a phone screwed me up. Now... here I am."

"You're not screwed up." I said.

He just looked ahead at the highway. "He calls me sometimes. Like Thursday he called. Happy Thanksgiving. I don't know... he just pushed me over the edge sometimes. We're alright though. I used to hang up on him when he called me. But I figure he's my dad might as well take what he's giving me. I don't know what I'd be like if he didn't call."

I asked quietly: "What do you think you'd've been like?"

He smiled a little. "I'd be playing baseball," He said. "Let's put it that way."

I smiled a little. "I can't see that." I said.

"Me neither." He said smiling. "Sean says he can, but I think I'm to tall to play baseball. I'm too awkward too."

We listened quietly listening to a song or two over again. The song changed on it's own and I felt my face change. I looked over and saw him watching my face. Waiting to hear my reaction. "This is that song?" I asked.

He nodded, looking back ot the highway. He leaned in and hit pause. "It's better when you listen to it with the lyrics." He said. I reached out and got the CD out again taking the lyrics flap out and opening the booklet turning to the page this song was on.

"Last Place You Look," I said.

He hit play again it started from the beginning. And I was reading the lyrics along with it. Him sitting silently just picking the words out on his own. My eyes darting across the little page. When it finished we were at the stopsign right near our streets. I looked at him. Leaning in and kissing him. My heart picked up speed in seconds. When I opened my eyes he was right there. Smilign at me a little.

He drove me home. I saw my garage was empty. My sister's car was gone too. So we just sat there for a few minutes. Saying goodbye. But neither of us moved. This time I beat him. Kissing him. Pressing my lips against his. He closed his eyes. And when we pulled away. He looked at the little clock on the dashboard.

We ended up behind a red door.

We didn't kiss that long. Only a little while. He put on _The Photo Album_ on his record player and we lay on his bed. Our shoulders agaisnt each other. And we listened and pointed out things we were thinking of or liked. Sometimes he'd just kiss me or take my hand right before certain lines we sung.

It was so late it felt like I was jsut dreaming. This couldn't be real. I was never this happy. I didn't deserve to be this happy. This was Bennett Williams. I was laying there next to Bennett Williams his fingers in between mine. I tihnk that's what always made my head spin.

* * *

He walked me home again. It was getting colder. Frozen pieces of water started falling halfway home. And he stopped and smiled. And I was too. And he just kissed me. His breathes warming my lungs as they were cut of off oxygen. By the time I was at my front door I was shivering. My teeth chattering. But a smile was frozen on my face by something not temperature related. And in the midst of it all I was warm inside.

I turned around seeing him looking back at me smiling a little. His mouth curling up. "See you Monday," He called.

"Call me sometime before." I said.

"Tonight," He said. "I promise."

"Goodnight." I said.

"Goodnight."

His image was burned into my head. Him standing. Tall and skinny as ever. Smiling and shaking in the same way I was. But inside I could see it expolding inside of his unreadable eyes. He was feeling the same way I was. Warm. Happy. Our stomachs both shaking. Winter coming in slowly. Another checkmark of another year. Not remembering that Monday would be a huge checkmark for both of us and whateber it was that was manifesting within us each time we were together. I had found it in the song the "Last Place You Look" by The Get Up Kids just that night.

I found that feeling in everything he touched in my life after that.

* * *

**A/N:** _This story was not named for that song it was just this song I was listening and found out what the title meant to me. And how that differs form what I named it for in the first place._ **Review Review Review. I work to hard to have any 0s on my Story Stats. Just kidding :P But please.**

_Is anyone listening to the songs and bands I am putting into this?_


	30. Chapter 30

Chapter 30

Some things you never see coming. You are blinded by them or jsut keep yuorself from thinking about them. These past few days I've been so happy. So strong. When I walked down that hallway to my locker I felt all of that get pushed behind me shortly. People looked at me. Everyone. People who didn't even know who I was. Never talked to me. They knew.

In hushed voices they retold the story. About how I was in love with that Dave kid while he had been cheating on me with three girls. Maybe more embellished than that. I looked around. A deer caught in the headlights. Nobody was there to absorb the attention. It was overwhelming for me. I wanted to die. The looks weren't harsh, they all felt bad for me. I was cheated on. I was innocent. but the fact I was being recognized for that made me feel sick. I wanted to run. But I kept my head down.

Nobody was there to save me.

At my locker I did my conbination. Opening it. Cass sielnt beside me aware of people all around me. "Elisa!" I turned too hopefully. The voice losing the dead giveaway to who it was over the crowd. "Elisa."

He looekd the same. The same cute boy who I onced loved. Dave. I turned back to my locker right away. Snapping my neck foreward with such severity it ached the next mroning I swear. My neck had been notted. Sending a shocking numb feeling all the way down to my stomach. I had been struck by lightening of some sort. Somehow I had shocked myself with something inside of me. It was a shocking pain. It was Dave.

"Elisa," He said sounding less ocnfident. People were tuning in to watch. Nobody I knew. He touched my shoulder blade. I jerked away. Feeling this energy giving me anough feeling to turn towards him. Glaring at him. So coldly, I felt the freezing look poking out of my eyes sharply. Shooting knives out of them. He inched back. "Can we talk please." He said quietly.

The halls got softer. Girls payign attention preparing to break into conversation later about all of this. About how Dave approached me. I hated it. Everyone's eyes sticking to me like hot wax. It burned and was painful. I wanted it to go away. But Dave just started talking. Cass turning her head to listen.

"Look, you don't get it. I love you Elisa. I didn't cheat on you. I would never do that-"

"Shut the fuck up." It was Cass. She gave him the death stare.

He looked form me to her from me to her. "I'm sorry," He said to both of us. "Elisa, I really want to talk about everything. I love you so much."

I started wlaking down the hallways slamming my locker. My head down. Around the corner my books fell to the ground. Myself bouncing off to the floor with them. I jumped down getting them. But when I looked up my eyes were wide. For the first time somethign was so deafening within me I didn't feel anything looking at him. He looked at my face. Seeing somethign was wrong. He handed me my books. "What happened?" He asked me.

This was worse than anything. Running away from Dave. The whole hallways tuning in to the dramatic show that was our first showdown as ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend. The first "I love you, can't we talk, I miss you, take me back" conversation- and hopefully the last. The hate boiling within me towards Dave. And here I was walking in to Bennett fucking Williams. The greatest thing to happen to me and at the same time the worst.

Because nothign starts people talking more than when the student body legend Bennett Williams asks you what's wrong and looks concerned. Not just concerned- worried, interested, like he cares.

I swallowed hard but he put it together beofre I managed to put a simple word in place in my head. He looked at Dave. It didn't make it worse. It jsut made Dave suspicious. Because although his eyes were unreadable. I think Dave knew Bennett was glaring at him. Such hatred only recognized by me becuase I had seen it before the talent show tryouts when Bennett stood up to Dave.

I took my books from Bennett looking up at him. "Thank you,"

"No problem." He said looking at me. His eyes caring so much.I jsut bgan decoding them.

And I was gone. From the worst and best people to ever some into my life. It's just hard figureing out which one they were.

* * *

In English I finished _The Great Gatsby, _Bennett did not approach me once in that class but sat facing me watching me carefully as the movie played. His eyes traveling across the room. Hollowing out the pain in my chest. Left over from Dave. I hated him so much.

Seeing Dave again. I realized how much I had run from all of this. It had somehow eaten me away inside. Replaying our five-month, the Friday morning, hearing the details, and the break-up. Dave wasn't giving up on me. That's what I hated the most about him. All I felt was hate. Regret weighing me down finally. I regretted seeing him. Not saying anything to Bennett in the halls. Not running. Looking up and seeing Dave thinking- so stupidly- the voice calling my name- with such a boun,ce happiness, relief- was Bennett. The boy sitting across from me in English who had silently potected me.

I never have wanted to take back so much. Why did all of this happen to me? The worst was people knew. They knew about me and Dave. The only thing I had for only me left was Bennett and the secrets I had told him. Everythign about Dave was written everywhere in those pitying faces I passed in the hallways. As the day went on it got worse.

Because to them, my mouth sewn shut, my eyes glued to my shoes, was a sign of wallowing. Not over my first love. Not knowing I had had sex with him when I didn't want to. Cheated on him with _the _Bennett Williams. And dumped him because the song Bennett had written and won half the female student body's hearts with was about me.

In the halls. I saw Bennett passing my locker with Sean. Girls automatically went into secret hinting mode. "_Hi Bennett_, hi Sean." Flaunting of everything. But his sweet brown eyes casting a glance over at me as I watched him slowly, to others it was him feeling sorry for me. He wanted to talk to me. But what I was worried about most was Dave popping up trying to begin ex-boyfriend/girlfriend confrontation two.

And as quickly my day went by. I tried to lay low. Hiding anywhere Dave might find me. I ate lunch inside with Cass and we sat there quietly. My eyes staring down and hurt. I wanted to cry. I wanted something. But Cass didn't know what. I don't think she ever would know.

The note in my locker told me somebody did. _Dave's going ot be waiting for you after school_

Someone cared. I knew they did.

* * *

I listened to the person who gave me that not. I went to the library. Sitting taking a copy of _Catcher in the Rye_ with me to one of those tables kids are tutored at. And I began reading. Page one. Replaying what Bennett had said about the beginning in our conversations and the class ones. Keeping him in my mind.

And like he had all weekend alongside Death Cab For Cutie and The Get Up Kids, he made me forget I was cheated on. My heart wasn't busted open in my chest anymore. It was healing. But I figured it take just as long as his eye. Slowly and surely it would lose it's bruises it's wounds- my heart- and it would heal. It just didn't right away like I had been mistaken it had.


	31. Chapter 31

Chapter 31

My phone rang in my hand as I started to go upstairs. "Hello?" I said into it.

"Hey," It was Bennett. His voice filling in my ear. Something I had expected. I stopped mid-stair. And waited as he jumped right in. "Do you mind if I come over?" He asked.

I looked aorund. My mother was out, my sister long gone. "No it's fine." I said. "Now?" I really wanted him to come.

"Yeah," He said.

"That's fine, I'm here." I said.

I was upstairs two minutes before the doorbell rang. I hurried downstairs in a rush to see him. I hadn't seen him since school. I opened the door. And we met halfway. He pulled me into his arms and I held him. My barefeet freezing in the cold air when I wasn't even outside long. It was so beautiful. White and transformed. But today was one of the worst days in my life. I let him inside. He looked around quietly. Seeing pictures of trees. And landscapes.

None of me without my front teeth. Thank god.

"Hi," I said when I shut the door behind him.

He slide his hands into his pockets. "I'm sorry," He said.

"Why are you apologizing?" I asked. But he just stared back at me. His eyes soft and aware of what he was apologizing for. I was too but I saw no reaosn for him to. I left it there.

We went up to my room. He looked around. His eyes moving around my room with ease. Taking it in. Dave never went up to my room really. We always hung around in the living room. I'm very self-concious about my room but with Bennett I figured it was fine.

"This is exactly how I pictured this," He said looking around. He listened to what he just said. "In the least creepiest way." He added.

I smield a little. Not a lot. I still felt numb. Today had been the worst. He stood there then he say the silver colums in my bookcase in little plastic bags like sliced fruit. "You make CDs?" He asked looking at them raising his eyebrows. He was distracting me, but I was thankful for him.

"Yeah," I said. "I can't buy the real ones, so I just make them." I said shrugging. "It's a hobby I guess." It was.

"I make a lot of mixtapes." He said. "Well, mix-CDs. I buy all of my records, but I lvoe making mix-CDs." He went over to my small library of actual CDs. And I sat on my bed. On the side across from my couch. He was waiting. Less concerned with what CDs I had.

"I'm sorry, I didn't say anything to you today." I said. "Dave just... it still hurts." I talked about this like a broken arm. My bed the operating table. But Bennett came over sitting on my couch across from me. Healing me as his eyes filled mine.

"It's fine." He said. "I went a little overboard- I hate Dave more than anyone."

"Me too," I said.

"In school," he said. "Do you want me to stay away from you?"

I looekd at him. His sweet eyes. Decoding was too much for me right now. I swallowed. "No," I meant it. "I just, i'm not ready for people to know. I can't handle-"

"I know." He interrupted me. And he moved foreward sitting on the edge of the couch reaching ou touching my hand and sitting there quietly. His fingers tracing the joint of my hands. We both jsut stared at my hand. He understood. I believed him. And there was no way I was making a mistake. He always understood.

* * *

The week steadily became the worst string of bad days in the history of the world. Each day went by quickly. I anticipated avoinding Dave who had begun three seperate confrontations in the halls a day if he was lucky. But each day I stayed after in the library picking up where I left off in _Catcher in the Rye_. Except Wednesday, I found sometihng in my locker.

It was a copy of _Catcher in the Rye._ A normal one. New. The binding not folded. It smelled new from the distance I held it from my face- arms length. It was brand-spanking-new. I jsut didn't have any ide where I came from. I flipped to the first page. The margins were quite big. Big enoguh for the neatest messy handwriting you had ever seen to fit inside.

I started reading that afterschool instead of the smelly old one. The school's copy smelled like mold. At least this one smelled new. Fresh. And the notes in the margins was like reading a new book.

Quotes were underlined. Songs written at the top of pages. References to movies. Anything. All in my favorite book. Coincidentaly it was Bennett's too.

We didn't talk much. I hung around most with Cass in school. Bennett was back to being Bennett Williams and the girls got worse. Throwing themselves at his feet practically. But he always walked by my locker checking up on me smiling a little. Leaving notes in my locker saying little thing that would make me smile. Healing slowly.

Afterschool we began a routine. He would come to my house. We'd sit up in my room. Talking. Listening to music. I was listening to the Get Up Kids' _Four Minute Mile_ non-stop after he leant it to me. He wasn't knocking on the front door by Friday which was a good sign. And he found me then sitting on my computer making a CD with my headphones on linking me to my old CD player.

He didn't make fun of me for using a CD player. In fact he picked it up and said it was a lot nicer than his.

Being a secret was easier. We kissed less now though. Because I felt awful every day. We'd talk. He helped me figure everything out. And when it was neccessary and when I was smiling he'd lean his face to me and press his lips softly agaisnt mine.

If there were a person more perfect for me than Bennett that week they'd have to be his clone. He made me feel happier. Not as happy as last weekend but more so that I didn't feel depressed sitting at home remembering Dave owuld show up at my locker the next day asking for another chance. Dave was consistant. But Bennett was another world to me.

Cass was trying her best. But she stepped back. Seeing Bennett was doing more good than she could manage. But she was a good friend. Whenever Dave got within twenty feet of me in school she was there scaring him off. Dave was more scared of her than anyone.

But on Friday Bennett said there was no party this week. And to my surprise he asked if I was up for it to go to IHOP with him and his friends if I had nothing to do. Nothing intimidated me more than Sean. He liked me a lot. In fact he was really nice and was treating me as he had before but meeting his other friends scared me.

Especially now. And I said not tonight.

He kissed my forehead. "It's a little too public." He said. "You're right." I had said nothign of that. But somehow he knew that was in the bakc of my mind. Maybe I was that easy to read. But to me his eyes were still unreadable most times. Except when it was obvious what he was thinking. That's when I knew he cared about me and liked me more than anything.

* * *

**A/N: Pretty uneventful.** _Had to slide that in there. Thank you so much for your reviews!! Keep 'em coming. You guys are so great :] My e-mail is checked obsessivly now._ **Thank you. Review Review Review.**


	32. Chapter 32

December.

Chapter 32

He plays an acoustic guitar with a Get Up Kids sticker. Tonight he's playing a Saves The Day cover he showed me and that's all I know about his set at this party. But I stand in the middle of the crowd right in front. These girls, all more interesting looking than I am, yet he looks at me. His secret. His sweet eyes taking me in. The first time tonight. I smile a little.

We're just friends right now.

My mother still doesn't know about me breaking up with Dave. I figure I should jsut tell her soon. But Bennett and I are happy. I am happy. I don't hear much from Dave but I feel him watching me sometimes at lunch. His eyes sad, his heart broken. But something about Bennett speeds my healing. My heart's no longer discolored much. And right now it's gaining speed as he starts playing that Saves The Day cover he told me of this song called "Nightingale" which he used to listen to when he was scared we were just going to be a quick hook-up and a messy one after that that first Friday night all the way back in November. Almsot one month ago.

Girls are smiling and listening. But me- I'm the most genuine smile out there. Because his eyes fall on me. The girl who has become one of his best friends next to Sean. To everyone else.

We walk down the halls when we see each other. At lunch he'll come see me if Cass isn't with me. If I see him alone I'll smile and say hi. When we're behind the red door he'll kiss me holding me and give me CDs that he wants me to listen to. And he'll leave me a mix-CD in my locker on occassion. I have three more to my collection of CDs from him. Six now.

And I feel warm non-stop inside most days.

But tonight he's playing more of his own songs than covers. The girls beside me yelling out song names. He has them posted on his MySpace. And he'll play them. Then he startss playing these pretty chords and my heart melts in his hands, the only hands I'd ever trust my heart with. And I smile as he sings to me. Nobody noticing. Because they are too won over by this song. He steals my heart with it.

His voice is really beautiful. I've only heard it once when we were alone. We were sitting in his room and he starts playing his guitar. My hands touching his Get Up Kids sticker as he smiles. And he starts playing my song. The one with pretty chords. And I can't help but feel the ground shift. We make it halfway through before I kiss him. And he kisses me back.

He got a haircut. It's shorter. Girls are crazier about him than ever. Because he hasn't been hooking up with anyone. And he's been more appealing to everyone since the Variety Show. I've never noticed how many girls oogle over him. I'm the only one he notices though. But we're best friends as everyone can see. Except for everyone who knows.

There are a select few. His friends. My friends. That's it. Rainie Joseph and Paul Spinella too but they are his friends I guess. I'm still scared of Paul but Rainie always says Hi and smiles like she knows. I'm alright with that too.

I still am not having the best days. In school people started asking me what happened. I brush past their questions easily. And avoid them. Rachel is the worst. Her notes are all I want from our pathetic friendship. But she wants a detailed story about how I dumped my ex-boyfriend. But tonight at this party I get away from all of that. I just stand there listening. Girls not noticing. I am starting to go invisible again. Like I had before dating Dave and while we were going out.

I'm fading slowly from everyone's eyes now. They think they know everything that happened. When really half of the real story is between me and the boy standing five feet away from me playing pretty chords on his acoustic guitar with the Get Up Kids sticker.

The party is pretty low-key. It's at Sean's house. Half of the people here fit in the basement. And we all are listening to Bennett play. It's a quiet party. So it's okay for me to be seen talking to Bennett. Big parties are okay too. But at these smaller once it's a lot easier. But he plays a Death Cab For Cutie cover and a few more of his own before putting his guitar down. I slink back giving girls time to flock him say how amazing he is at guitar.

"They always ask me who that song is about."

And I hang around the side seeing Becky as she waves me over. "Hey," She says smiling, her lip ring catchign the light as she does.

"Hi," I said.

"You're working tomorrow right?" She asks.

"Yeah," My job at Carol's is going great too. I work all the same shifts as Becky because she insists and we talk a lot when it's slow. But she always tells me how thankful she is to have me helping her isntead of that dorky college kid.

"Thank god," She said. "Carol switched the schedules yesterday." I've met Carol a few times. She's nice but she has this little baby boy she is watching only working when he naps or when she can hand him off to one of her eager relatives. The baby- Jonas is adorable.

"How come?"

"Today was the winter parade." She says rolling her eyes. "I don't see why they need a fucking parader for everything here."

"Neither do I." I say.

Someone yells to Becky. Some giggly girl I don't know. "Shit, she's drunk again." Becky says under her breathe. "I'll see you tomorrow then." Becky is funny sometimes. Her reactions are one of a kind. But she's not harsh at all about anything. She's a really nice kind of outgoing.

"Bye," I say, but my eyes move over to where Bennett is standing with nobody around as he packs up his guitar. I decide I could go over and see him. He looks up when I'm halfway.

"Hey," He says smiling. "How was my Saves The Day cover?"

"Really good." I said. "I like yours better than the original."

He smiles picking up his case. "I'm going to go throw this in my car. But do you want to talk?"

"Yeah, sure." I am smiling. I feel all warm inside. The song he wrote me is stuck in my head.

Two minutes later I get a text message: _Meet me upstairs ;}_

We've done this twice before. We don't usually hook-up we jsut sit and talk in an empty room. Where we can be us. Not best friends. Not secretly together. We can just be us. At a party. Where nobody will know. I find the room with the light on and the door cracked open. And I go in and he's there. I shut the door behind me. Going close to him. And he kisses me. His lips warm and soft agaisnt mine. We both close our eyes taking each other in. Kisses like this drain everything out of me. They really do.

* * *

We were just kissing. Laying on the bed, kissing. My hands in his hair and his holding me close to him. It was soft and we were quiet. The light was off and people usually don't come into these rooms. Especially when the door is shut.

But the door opened and the light flicked on. Bennett quickly blocked me somehow. Turning so they couldn't see who I was. "Oh, sorry guys." This was another mean Bennett-Williams-is-a-fag-joke. But I know that voice. I move to confirm it. Seeing his face, a girl behind him. His eyes change. "Elisa?"

"Get the fuck out Dave." I sound really brave saying that. Bennett turning and looking at me. And Dave listens. Shutting the door. And I'm sitting there suddenly aware of what's going to happen. I don't need to be able to see the future for this. Bennett wraps his arms around me. Kissing my forehead. I tihnk he knows too.

Dave was waiting for soemthing liek this. I just don't think he was hoping to find me and Bennett Williams kissing in a bedroom at some kid's party. I think he was hoping for another reason to why I broke up with him or why I wouldn't give him a second chance. Because I know Dave isn't stupid and he'd have to put the pieces together eventually. And I think he figured it out quickly.

I felt liek dirt the rest of the night. We stayed in that room for a while. Just laying there. Bennett tlaked ot me softly. I'd answer him. And he knows I'm scared people are going to find out. Even though I like him so much. I'm scared to death of another week like the one after I broke up with Dave. Except this one would be worse.

There was a knock on the door. We both sat up. "It's Sean." A voice called in. Bennett got up walking across the room letting Sean in. He says all I didn't want to hear.

And walking downstairs confirmed it. Because about seven girls were shooting me dirty looks.

* * *

**A/N:** _So how was that? Did you expect that?_ **Review Review Review Review. **


	33. Chapter 33

Chapter 33

I sat in his car not saying anything. He looks at me. Reaching out moving the hair hiding my face from him behind my shoulder. "Elisa." He said. "It isn't that bad."

I look down still. Swallowing had. "You don't get it." I say. My voice surprising me.

"I don't get what?" He asks. Not surprised or scared or worried. There is nothing like that I can pick out of his voice. It's still soft and gentle. His fingers move in between mine. He moves closer to me.

"Look at yourself." I say looking at him. "Your Bennett Williams. God, I've heard more stories about you than anyone in the entire town. I'm not liek that. I can't handle attention. I hate it. I want people to jsut not know. I don't want people pressing about parts of my life. My personal life. I dn't want everyone to know about me breaking up with Dave and I don't want them to know about us. There were ten girls hoping I would drop dead at that one party. Just because I could have been hooking up with you or we could have had something more."

I was hurting him. His eyes spelled that out for me. But it was the truth. He swallowed. "So, if tonight had never happened and nobody ever found out about us you'd rather jsut have nobody know." He said slowly.

"No," I said looking foreward. "I just I don't want people to know everything about how I cheated on Dave with you and how I dumped him _for _you and me."

"Then what did you expect to happen Elisa?" He asked.

"Not this." I said.

He was quiet. Not saying anything. The silence ate me away. I was about ot say something he beat me. "Do you want me to stay away form you for a little while?" He asked.

I hesitated, and he let go of my hand. Moving his fingers into a weak fist on his lap. We both looked foreward. Not saying anything. I tried to decide what I wanted. But what I wanted seemed so far away. I looked at him. His eyes wide open like they had been when I started to leave the first Friday. I blinked. He didn't vanish. I didn't want this to go on like this. I swallowed hard. "Bennett," He looked at me. "I don't want to have to go to school Monday. I don't want to lose this because of that."

He blinked. It was almost too dark for me to see his eyes. "Why are you so scared of them?" He asked suddenly.

"Who?"

He didn't answer just studying my face. His eyes searching mine desperatly. I recognized the look in his eyes. It was something I always felt trying to read his eyes. I never could. Neither could he. I wanted to cry suddenly. I hated this. Fighting with him.

He touched my face. His fingers cold on my skin. I realized how cold it was in here. In his car. The snow making it much brighter in here than it should be an the engine being shut off let the cold air creep inside. And the silence unbearable. He pushed my bangs out of my eyes. Just looking at me. "I like you so much, Elisa. I care about you more than anyone. I can't stand seeing you live like this," He said slowly and softly. "You always looked so scared before I talked to you."

I just looked at him. My face expessionless. I just listened. And suddenly he leaned in and kissed my forehead. "I want you to figure out what you want Elisa." He said. "You don't need to tell me now or at all. I just want you to figure out what it is you want."

"So, I guess this is goodbye?" I asked softly.

"For tonight." He said.

His face was so close to mine. Inches. He leaned in and I did too. I kissed him. My eyes closed. My lips moving agaisnt his. And then he moved his face back holding mine where it was. And he just looked at me. His eyes sweet and brown. I moved away form him finally. Letting myself ge out of the car. I was halfway up the walk when he started the engine.

I knew what I wanted by then.

* * *

Monday. It was the same as it was the Monday after the Variety Show. But worse. Everyone talked in hushed voices. I walked down a hallway I wasn't familiar with. Everyone talking in hushed voices. I tried to push that out of my head. But my hands were shaking and my cheeks were burning even tohugh I couldn't blush. And my head was spinning. I tired to keep one thing in my head. And that's it.

What I wanted.


	34. Chapter 34

Chapter 34

He caught me ot of the corner of his eye. Turning seeing me. His eyes changing as he took me in. I looked at him lifting my hand in a wave. He opened his mouth to say something. But I walked right by Dave Mandeville. And Seniors all turned watching me.

He had his face buried in his locker. His shoulders were sagging and he looked depressed. He slammed his locker shut. Because it wouldn't close because it barely stuck where it shut. Then he turned in my direction. Just seeing me for the first time in two days. Sean had gone to Carol's yesterday alone. And when his car left my driveway Saturday it was the last time I had seen him.

I should have been shaking a lot harder but my stomach was shaking so hard inside of me. And it was full of butterflies. I walked up to him. I felt all of those eyes starign at me. And him. Girls glaring. The hallway wasn't silent but the sound was registering in my head. I moved my hands into his hair his lips moving softly agaisnt mine. And all of the pain was gone. My heart bursting to life in my chest. Healthy and not stopping if my life depended on it. I felt warm. And I could feel his heart racing at the same rate as mine.

That's how we fought _them_.

* * *

The day went by slowly. In English we looked at each other quietly smiling across the room. In the halls we walked together. I tried my best but I still hated all of the people starign talking. When it was too much and I had to face them alone. He would lean down and kiss me sweetly on the lips. I never felt this before.

Like I could do anything when I was with someone.

Especially after everything. But this is what I wanted. I wanted to be with Bennett. I wanted to kiss him in the halls and I wanted him to help me fight off the crowds of them that were going crazy with stories about me and Bennett. Cass saw how happy I was. And I don't think I stopped smiling on the inside. I felt so warm and happy.

In my locker I found another book. It was _The Great Gatsby_ which we started in English that day with notes in the margins. But when I shut my locker he came out of nowhere. Wrapping his arms around my waist and kissing me. In the halls. The girls and kids in my grade watching confused and talking about it.

But I just closed my eyes and kissed him back.

I dropped my car off at home and we went to Carol's and sat and drank coffee and talked.

"Did Dave ask you to be his girlfriend?" Bennett asked looking at me.

I shook my head. "He jsut started calling me his girlfriend and that was it." I said.

He smield a little. "Did you want him to?"

"Yeah," I said looking down at my coffee.

"You're not my girlfriend." Bennett said. "But we're together. I'm jsut puttign that on the record now." He was msiling when I looked up at him. He was planning something I knew it. I sighed. And he sipped his coffee. Still smiling. And I smiled back. My heart was racing still. And his was probably too. We left an hour later, his arm around my waist as we walked out. I felt invincible standing next to him.

* * *

Cass came up to my room loudly. I opened the door so she could come in. She smield as she walked in. "Hey," She said, the door shut securly behind her. "All I've heard abotu for twelve hours straight is you and that boyfriend of yours."

I shook my head. "He's not my boyfriend." I said. "But he's planning something."

"Like what?" She sat on my bed. I turned in the chair at my computer to face her. She was smiley and happy for me it was clear and I smiled a little too shrugging. "I heard about how you went up and kissed him right in front of Dave."

I laughed. "It wasn't planned." I said.

"You guys weren't tlaking at all yesterday huh?" She asked. I told her about our conversation in his car.

I shook my head. "But now we're perfect." I said.

She msiled happily for me. "Elisa, you like him a ton I can tell."

"I know." I knew better than anyone how much I liked Bennett. And it was more than I've ever liked a boy in my life.


	35. Chapter 35

Chapter 35

It was going to snow pretty bad Tuesday. The meteorologists were having a great time tracking it. They have been since Sunday. But when it hit we were all in school looking out the windows seeing specks of white pouring down. The first snow since November. And it was pretty but looked like a bitch to drive in. Bennett had driven me to school. And when school was let out we drove to this random place by this pond kids go canoeing in and we sat there playing CDs.

He was playing Jimmy Eat World records because he's on a _Futures_ kick again. And he put on this homemade CD with the song "For Me This Is Heaven" on it. And he held my hand and kissed me. Because it was perfect. And we kept kissing through it. Not beign able to listen long before he had to restart it because he wanted me to really listen to it.

By the fourth time we made through half of it. And he hit pause. It all all snowy and we couldn't see out of his windsheild anymore there was so much snow and he looked at me softly. And took my hand and jsut looked at me. He pressed his lips gently against mine. "Okay," He said finally. "This time: you have to listen really hard okay."

I sighed nodding. "Okay," I said.

He hit play and just sat there lookign at me. His eyes decoding themselves for me. And we didn't say anything. The whole song. He just held my hand. Which was cold even though the heat was on and we just looked at each other. It was perfect really it was. When it finished he leaned in and kissed me. There was no other song on that CD. And we started kissing in the silence. It was so quiet it felt heavy in our ears- the silence. And I jsut kissed him.

We went back ot playing songs back and for forth an hour or two. It was perfect.

"There's this show coming up." He said when I was putting on another CD. "It's pretty small, but I'm going with Sean and Becky and if you want I could get you a ticket."

"What bands?" I asked.

"It's this pretty emo one, I forget the name. They're really good. You'd like them, they sound like Saves the Day. But it's in the city. Same club as the Death Cab For Cutie show."

"Sure," I said turning the volume up a little. "I'd love to."

He lsitened for a few seconds. "I didn't know you liekd The Smashing Pumpkins." He said looking at me.

"I do," I said. "My dad had a lot of their stuff when I was little. I used to listen to them till I was ten."

"I jsut started listening ot them. I bought that record a few weeks ago." He said. "Paul and I were talking about them. He's a huge Pumpkins fan, he made Rainie one too."

"So you are Paul are friends?" I asked.

He nodded. "We work together sometimes. We have the same shift once a week. But it's just weird becuase Rainie always comes in when he's working and it's a little awkward, but unavoidable. He's cool though."

I nodded listening. "How long have they been together?" I asked.

"They first started dating in March." Bennett said. "I'd say eight months if you factor in the times they broke up."

I nodded again. And Bennett and I just started listening.

"How long did you and Dave date?" He asked.

I looked at him. He was just curious, there was nothing wrong with that. "Almsot six." I said.

He leaned in and kissed my temple. "Let's try and beat that _and_ Rainie and Paul." He said softly against my skin. I smiled and kissed him. This time we didn't stop. Our eyes closed and we kissed in his car until we realized the white sky was darkening slowly. He drove me home. The snow showing no signs of lightening.

"Is your mother home?" He asked. The driveway had no tire tracks in it. And my car had a sheet of snow on it. My house was untouched by anything.

I shook my head. "No." I looked at the house steadily. She was probably snowed in at the city.

"Do you want to come back to my house then?" He asked.

I smiled at him.

* * *

We were sitting in his living room. Talking. The TV muted and the heat was on. But we were sharing a blanket. And it was nice. We weren't kissing we were just talking. We were talking about the dorky picture of him when he was in the first grade smiling so big his face shrunk in comparison to the grin on his face. He looked like a new person compared to that picture too. He didn't reach four feet tall until third grade.

"You better show me a picture when you were this young then." He said smiling. "You won't be laughing then."

"I haven't seen one in years." I was telling the truth. But I was smiling. "I think my mother put them in the attic a while ago. I don't think you'll be seeing one."

"You'll find me one, won't you?" He asked looking at me sweetly. He was going overboard with the acting. I laughed.

Dave and I had never done this. We usually went into his basement and hooked-up or did homework for a half hour or less. But I was sitting on the couch in his living room. Our legs covered by the same blanket sitting cross-legged facing each other. Talking about how short and adorable he was in first grade. I was smiling. A lot more than I have in a while. And he was smiling back.

"I'm not sure if I'll be able to." I said.

He leaned in kissing the corner of my mouth. "I believe in you." He said. I laughed again and he moved his face a few inches away from mine. Touching my face with one of his hands. "I love you're laugh." We were both smiling looking at each other. I leaned in and kissed him. My eyes closing and his hand brushing hair out of my face.

The front door started opening. Or we heard someone shoving a key into it even though it wasn't locked. Bennett moved away sighing. "Sorry," He said. It wasn't that we were interrupted it was something else. I didn't know what at first. Understanding when he got up and opened the front door.

"It's not locked," I heard his voice from the next room. I peeked in hearing the door close.

"I didn't think you'd be home." Another voice said. A women's. I pieced it together, finding myself standing up. Feelng strange sitting on the couch alone, not having any idea what his mother would be like.

"I have someone over," I heard Bennett say softly. Something not intended for me to hear.

Footsteps moved closer. When I first saw her, I noticed how short she was comapred to her son. She was not where he got his height from. But everything else checked out. Her brown eyes, dark brown hair. She was also very skinny. But something that I noticed next was how young she was. She looked fresh and young. Much younger than my mother- but my mother looked a lot older because of the bags under her eyes from work. But Bennett's mother instantly smiled. "Hello," She said.

"Hi," I said. My voice sounded normal. Not too quiet or as shakey as I felt inside. I didn't meet Dave's mother until our third month. I wasn't even officially Bennett's girlfriend yet. My mother didn't even know Bennett existed.

"Mom, this is Elisa." Bennett said. I hadn't noticed him in the room. This had happened so fast. It seemed so much longer to me. But it was only a few seconds.

Her smile brightened. "Oh!" She walked over to me quickly. She hugged me. Her arms moving around me like greeting an old friend. "I feel like I know you already. Jesus, he's told me so much about you." She released me. Holding me in front of her studying me. "I haven't seen him this happy in years. It's like he's a new person-"

"Mom..." Bennett sighed. He wasn't mad or embarrassed like Dave had been when I met his mother and she said more than three words to me. Bennett's mother was moving into the half-appropriate conversation I have never recieved from any boy's mother. He was just smiling. A little embarrassed I think but not much.

"I'll stop. I don't want to embarrass him." She said looking at me. "I'ts just so nice to finally meet you." She seemed more in her twenties than a mother. She reminded me of Amber.

"The snow is crazy, huh?" Bennett asked his mother.

"I'm leaving for work now. Hopefully I can get there on time." She sighed walking halfway out of the room. The room seemed brighter having her here. "It was so nice meeting you Elisa. Come over more often. I'd liek to see you aorund here more often." She went over to Bennett kissing his cheek. "I'll be home tomorrow. I'll call you tonight."

"Okay," He said, smilign a little. "Bye."

In five minutes she was upstairs and down. Dressed for work. Looking liek a real nurse. Leaving. She said a final goodbye. And she was gone. The room loosing brightness as her car finally pulled away.

"Everytime you meet someone significant in my life," He said smiling. "It muct come across as if I can't stop talking about you, huh?"

I sat down next to him on the couch. "No," I said smiling.

"Liar," He whispered putting his arm around me pulling me closer. I leaned against him. I was combfortable. He moved the blanket so it covered our legs again. And he flipped thorugh the channels.

"I love this movie," He said landing it on TV Land. _That Thing You Do!_ "Have you ever seen it?"

"I think when I was little." I said.

"We're watching it. You'll love it."

We did. The whole movie. It was commercial free for some reason. And it was dark when it finished. My mother hadn't called me. Probably figured I was with Dave. I hadn't told Bennett my mother still thought I was with Dave. It was snowing a little less. It was almsot eight. He kissed my temple. "I'll walk you home."

"Okay," I didn't want to leave.

It was so pretty outside. It was so cold. I was shivering. But he slid his hand around mine. His fingers looping into mine. My hands weren't cold one bit. Our streetlight was one. We ended up standign underneath it again. He kissed me. Moving away shortly. A question forming behind his eyes. I knew it before it came out. It wasn't planned out at all. And that last sentence wasn't sarcastic.

I walked into my house a new person. Smiling brighter than ever before. I took my coat off. It was covered with snow. Snowflakes melted on my eyelashes. My mother walked into the room. "Who was that boy?" She asked confused.

"Bennett," I said. "My boyfriend."

* * *

**A/N:** _It's winter is my big-ish-small-town. It's been snowing two days straight. It's amazing and inspiring. I love winter so much._ **I want to say thank you, you guys are amazing. Almost 20 Reviews in two days!!!! I'm trying my hardest to update a ton.**_ I check my e-mail obsessivly. And I jsut want to thank you so much. You make this much more fun than I could even expect._

_So how was this chapter. Written to a Remember Maine playlist and a snowy window. I woke up today to a snowy winter day. Hopefully it will be a white Christmas this year. And I just jumped on here to update alongside a plate of leftover Chinese Food._ **Was it good? Was it amazing. Rushed? I don't think I need to ask you, but Review Review Review. **


	36. Chapter 36

Chapter 36

"What?" My mother was suddenly confused out of her mind. Standing there frozen not understanding this. I think she half expected me to burst out saying it was a joke. But no. The last three words I had said hung effortlessly in the air. Echoeing in the room over and over again in our empty sielnt house.

"I broke up with Dave." I said. I would have gone further into explanation but she interrupted going for more details.

"When?"

"Almsot a month ago." I said. I didn't bother to started talking again. My mouth remaine closed after that. And waited for the next word to come out of her mouth.

"Why?"

I swallowed hard. Preparing myself to say the truth. And it came out slowly. Painfully. It still was a touchy subject for me. "He cheated on me." My mother's idea of Dave the wonderful and perfect shattered right then. But I shot it a few more times to make sure it was really dead. "With three different girls."

"Oh Elisa," My mother said. She stepped foreward. But I didn't respond to this. She didn't hug me. She just took a few steps towards me. I remembered Bennett's mother. Not even feeling strange wrapping her arms around me and hugging me. Bennett not even getting angry at her for embarrassing him at all. My mother just took a few steps toward me. I wasn't angry at her for it. I think we both realized how distant we were from each other. "Are you okay?"

I nodded. Bennett popped into my head. I smiled instantly. My lips curving upwards. I was so happy. "I'm great," I said. And I meant it. But my mother didn't believe me.

"No, don't lie to me." She said.

"No really I'm fine." I said. "I've moved on."

My mother's face was confused. "When did you start seeing this other boy?" She asked.

"Bennett and I have been together since I broke up with Dave." I said. I figured I should tell her the truth. I hadn't told Bennett that my mother didn't know he existed in my life. To his mother I was a close friend of hers he had talked about me so much. This was the first time my mother had heard his name. He wouldn't liek hearing thet I don't think. "I didn't break up with Dave because he cheated on me, half of it was because I liked Bennett." My face was serious. My smile falling to the floor.

My mother looked at me studying me. "Is this a joke?" She asked.

"What?"

"You're acting like you're sister right now." She was mad. "Is there anything else I should know?"

Suddenly I was furious with my mother. What was wrong with her? She was mad that I had moved on from my boyfriend cheating on me before I cut him lose of my life. Now she was mad I was acting like Amber. I was sick of being the pposite of Amber. I looked back at her. Feeling like I had something in me. The walls around me were down suddenly between me and my mother. That shell I used to hide behidn was gone. Left behind for this conversation.

"I have a job," I said, acting cool. Not mad at all. I hated my mother right then.

"What?" She asked. "When did this happen?"

"Before I broke up with Dave." I said.

"I want you to quit."

"Why?"

"You don't need a job, Elisa. I can give you money."

She was mad about that too.

"Do you want me to break up with Bennett too mom?" I asked. I sounded so mean then.

And I didn't wait for an naswer I went up to my room. Shutting the door quietly behind me because slamming it would be too dramatic for me right now. I cooled off. I was back to normal. I turned my stereo on playing a mix-CD Bennett had given me. And I was happy I wasn't perfect ot my mother anymore. Becuase perfect was everything Amber wasn't. I wanted to be me suddenly. But I didn't know how.

It was sad thinking of that. Not knowing how ot be yourself. I'm sixteen. Almost Seventeen. I don't know how to be me.

I looked at my phone. Wondering who I should call first. I wanted to talk to someone. I narrowed it down to three people. But the one I chose required me digging up a phone number I didn't remember. I pressed the phoen to my face. Waiting. Four rings. "Hello?"

"Hi, are you busy right now?" I asked.

"Just watching mind-numbing TV, you?"

"Do you still want to hear what happened?" I asked.

There was a noise. The sound of the TV was off and she shifted. "Yes," she said quickly.

I'm not too good at being a sister. We've had our sisterly moments here and there a long as they weren't forced. She was so older than me but somehow I poured my story to her. Every last detail. And she was there. Telling me how I made all the right moves and how she wished she had been as smart as me when stuff liek this happened to her. I was thankful I had Amber to be there for me. To be the sister I always took for granted.

"You know what," She said right before I was going to hang up. "You and me, we aren't that different."

I smield a little. "I know," I said.

"Thanks for callign me, kid."

"Thanks for helping me."

"Hey, I'm your sister."

I laughed a little. "Bye, Amber."

"Call me some other time, I'll start visiting more. I want ot meet this Bennett guy."

"I will," I said. "Bye."

We both hung up. I waited for her to first. I felt strange. The world had completely shifted underneath my feet. I felt it slowly tilt back to what it was supposed to be- it was not far from where I was just moments before on the phone with my sister.


	37. Chapter 37

Chapter 37

The school week had been a living hell. People knew witohut anything being said. And it wasn't that Bennett Williams' girlfriend was a nobody. It was that Elisa Simmons was Bennett Williams' girlfriend. I was quickly moved from nobody to someone everyone knew. Nobody acknowledged me in the halls. They jsut watched and talked quietly among thenselves.

Rachel took notes in History, letting me copy them as always. But she never spoke to me. Because she among half of the girls old enough to think they had a chance with Bennett hated me for the fact that he had chosen me for reasons I didn't even know by myself. Even with all the time we spent together. We never spoke about _why_ we liked eahc other. It was jsut obvious how much we did.

He'd hold my hands in the halls and kiss my temple. On the rare occasion we'd kiss. Displays of Public Affection weren't neccessary.

A smile was never gone from Bennett's face when I was with him. Unless we were talking about something serious. He was always so happy around me it was contagious. I smield right back. Feeling happy and incredible inside whenever he was around me. When he wasn't I was just in my shell hiding from the faces that judged me endlessly because I was the girlfriend of a legend of sorts in Kerrignton. And I was nothing special at all really.

I looked younger smiling so much now. I looked eight now. I was still short and slim. I had nothing that made girls attractive. My hair was a light brown. And my clothes were jeans a t-shirt or a sweater. I wasn't rich. I worked at Carol's Coffeeshop. I only had my ears pierced. My body had no tattoos on it- not even temporary ones. I was nothing to look at. I was quiet. Soft-spoken all of my life. I just liked the same music as him. We had a lot in common with the tradgedies in our lives. But I could never relate to him being in the middle of a relationship between the prettiest girl in the Kerrignton area and a kid that could rip anyone to shreds. I was always just _there_ wherever I was. I was _here_. Nothing made me comapre t ohim by a long shot except for our music and our absent fathers.

I moved away from the mirror. I had been studying my face. My freckled skin and hazal eyes for five mintues straight. I could see nothign of what he saw in me.

I turned on my stereo playing Saves The Day loudly, my mother on a business trip. The silences were more unbearable than ever.

When I was with Dave, the quiet that manifested in my home was tolerable. I could end it with my music on low. But after the series of fights that followed my mother finding out I had been cheated on and moved on in two minutes to a scary reckless looking boy, gradually ended in my turning my volume up more and more over a week. Now it filled all the holes. And I heard the change in me.

I wasn't reckless or any different than what I was when with Dave by more than a few inches. I just played louder music and got a job. I hardly call that edgy. I was as dangerous as a feather.

I pulled a shirt on over my head. Just chaning out of a wrinkly shirt much too big for me. My hair almsot dry from my shower. I walked into my bathroom looking at myself. I only wear eye-make up. So other than that I was ready to go to the hsow with Bennett. Sean and Becky getting a ride with us. To see this Saves The Day/Something Corporate-esque band I had listened to online when Bennett had found the name of this band for me. They were really good I was excited to see them as I was to be with Bennett.

By the time he pulled in to my driveway I was already out of my front door locking it behind me. When I slid into his fornt seat he kissed me. I kissed him back. "Hi," He said softly moving away.

"Hi," I said.

"Are you ready?" He asked. He moved away more.

"Yes," I said putting on my seatbelt. He backed out of my driveway. I listened to the music playing softly circulating in the air around us. "Saves The Day? I was just listenign to them."

He smiled. "I forgot how good this record was." He said.

"It's _so _good." I said looking out my window.

"Did you listen to the band we're seeing tonight?" He asked curiously.

I nodded. "They're really good." I said.

"I thought so too." He said. "I was talking to Paul about this band, him and Rainie are seeing them for the third time he said. They opened for Sunday Drive last spring. I've actually seen them before. I just didn't remember thier name."

"Really? Are they good?"

He shrugged. "The sound wasn't good. They were pretty new then. I bet they are a lot better now. They got signed and everything. Full-length record coming out soon too."

I nodded. We pulled into a driveway which I assumed was Sean's. Him and Becky came out in a few seconds. Sliding in to the backseat. "Hey," Sean said.

"Hey, Elisa!" Becky said grinning. After being a non-stop co-workers we were sort of friends. She didn't get annoying. She was just friendly and nice.

I turned my head. "Hi," I said looking at her. She had dyed her hair last night. Told me yesterday morning. I smiled. "You're hair looks so good."

Sean sighed. Reaching out and picking up a clump of pieces. "I miss the old hair though." He said. "It's still in there I think."

Becky sighed. "Thank you, Elisa." She shoved Sean away from her. He let go of her hair. Bennett laughed watching them in the rearview mirror. He was driving now. "It was so easy. I've gotten pretty good by now."

I nodded. "My friend dyes her hair a lot." I was tlaking about Cass.

"The one with the orange hair?" She asked. Cass had stopped by work with miles a few times. Becky loving her hair color. "Oh, gosh I love her color."

Sean groaned. "Orange hair, Beck?"

She ignored him. Bennett exchanging a look with me. I smiled. "You don't dye your hair right?" She asked.

I shook my head. "No," I said. Cass always told me I would look amazing with dark brown hair. I didn't think my hair fit. My eyebrows were too dark. But Becky had a redish dark purple-ish color now. I still had my light brown. The reason I never did isn't because of all the storie aobut dying your hair ruining it- I jsut never owuld have the guts to even consider it. I would chicken out beofre choosing a color.

"I used to be totally agaisnt it, but it isn't that bad." She said. "It's actually-"

"God, please don't try to get her into dying her hair." Sean moaned again. He clearly wasn't big on Becky dying her hair. But Bennett was quiet.

He changed the subject. Reaching out when we reach a stop sign opening the glove compartment for me. I automatically took out a new CD. Putting it in to the stereo. Bennett seeing it. Smiling at me wickedly. I smield back the same. Sean and Becky's reactions to Sunday Drive were hysterical. They whined and fought. It was easy to tune them out. Bennett reaching over taking my hand quietly. We've driven with Sean and Becky together once before. I think he was happy he had an ally and someone to tune their fighting out with.

* * *

The club was less packed. We made it halfway to the front. Bennett standing close to me and Sean and Becky a few rows of people back. Other than us we only saw Rainie and Paul. Everyone else was form different towns. Paul jsut waved to Bennett. Rainie not noticing starign at the stage. Bored and unable to talk to Paul. They were closer to the front packed in an awkward position to talk. But I realized they were standing like that on purpose. Her back agaisnt him. And she wasn't bored at all. Ther were just waiting.

We had shown up late. Caught in traffic on the way up north on the highway.

When I turned to say something to Bennett the lights went out. The crowd didn't start yelling. We all jsut sort of remaine quieter. Loosing volume as it got closer to starting. His hands slid around my waist and he pulled me against him. As awkward as it felt it was comfortable standing there. People pushing in all around us to get closer to the stage.

I liked being this close to him.

The show was really good. They were all small bands I knew. And were all good live. The band we had come to see was really good actually. A lot better than I expected. They had a really good quiet song. Bennett leaning down as it started kissing the corner of my mouth. I turned my lips to find his and we kissed. It was perfect. I believed in everythign the moment it happed. my heart sang louder in my chest than any volume in the world. It was amazing.

There wasn't much else to say about the show. When it ended we were already out the door leaving early to avoid the traffic of kids trying ot get out all at once.

We were in the car before more than half of the kids were even outside.

I sat in thre front seat next to Bennett again. Sean and Becky in the back talking about how good that band had been. The ride home we didn't tune them out. We had a whole conversation talking about the show. It wasn't that late but sean and Becky still went back to his house leaving Bennett and me alone in his car.

"Do you want to come back to my house?" He asked.

"Sure," I said.

We ended up behidn the red door again.

* * *

We didn't hook up a lot. In fact we rarely did. But tonight we went up to his room. He shut the door behind us and before I could grope the wall for a lightswitch his hands pulled me close. Finding my face in the dark. He kissed me. His lips sweet and soft. We started kissing. My eyes closed. After a few minutes we were lying down on his bed kissing.

His hands gently moving against me. It was soft and nice.

He pulled back. After a little while. I looked at him softly. Seeing his out line. My hand on his face. We jsut lay there quietly. We haven't done this in forever.

He took my hand from his face for a short second kissing it. Before putting it back where it was. I opened my mouth to say something. But it didn't come out.

"What?" He asked softly. His lips were soft agaisnt mine for a few seconds.

There had been a question forming on my tongue all night. I had wanted to say something but was waiting for the right time. I didn't think tongiht was right for it but I was going to find out. I swallowed. All the words I had to form a question and only two made it past my teeth. "Why me?" I asked softly.

He was quiet for a few seocnds. I took them as shock. As misunderstand. Miscomprehending. "I'm sorry," I said. "That was stupid to ask. Pretend I never did-"

"No," He said laughing warmly. "I was jsut trying to come up with the appropriate answer." He kissed me again. His breathe smooth on my skin. I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Waiting.

"The night I got punched..." He started. "I don't know, I just wanted to be alone. But you just came out of nowhere. I had found out about Dave and I had felt really bad for you. You obviously really like Dave, but I was still really mad he was cheating on you. I didn't know why. Probably becuase you were so shy and quiet and nice when I first talked to you. You seemed so... scared. Of everything. And Dave cheating on you- that was jsut so sad to know what he was doing to you and how much you trusted him. I felt like I coudl trust you though. I didn't really tell anyone about that night. I probably couldn't even do it now. But there was something different about you. You just... understood. And you seemed to understand everything. You never hated anything. There was jsut something there. Whenever I talekd to you. That night on the porch I was jsut lookign at you. You were so honest and real. I could tell you anything. Just talking you that hsort conversation... it was like you were everything beautiful in a person to me.

"Remember what I said about people like Rainie. After I talked to you, I knew you were one of those people. I couldn't help falling for you a little. But with everything about Dave, and everything was getting worse. There were so many stories about him I jsut wanted to protect oyu. Get you away from him becuase he was going to hurt you so bad. I couldn't see any way to do it. And I just kept getting to knwo yuo more and more. I mean, we always have something to talk about. There was never a moment we didn't or won't. And suddenly I just couldn't imagine not talkign to you. But I knew Dave was hurting you so bad. I figured all I could do was be a friend to you. You'd see what was happening. Somehow... I don't know it just happened. Under the streetlight, I just kissed you. And suddenly I realized you kissed me back. You liked me back. It was amazing. And I don't know. I think it was just meant to be. You're the most beautiful person I've ever met Elisa. I just never thought that you'd ever be mine."

I was quiet. Seeing his face, my eyes fully adjusted to the darkness. I kissed him. Falling a million feel. Until I woke up the next morning. Wrapped up in his arms. Everythign he had said to me was burned into my head. Memorized like lyrics to the most beautiful song you ever dare to hear.

I wish there was some way for me to say something back that would ever amount to that. But I figured all I could do was hold on and be his. Because that was the night I began surrendering the pieces of my heart and handing them to him, piece by piece.


	38. Chapter 38

Chapter 38

The next day I woke up around nine. He was still asleep. I hadn't fallen asleep in his arms since the first time. And now when I looked at him, my heart picked up speed instantly. I just looked at him waiting for him to open his sweet brown eyes- before I had to leave. It was a wintery morning. Cold in his room. But his body was warm against mine. His arms around me and he breathed evenly and softly. I closed my eyes taking in his smell. Wishing we could stay liek this forever.

I felt him wake up. He tried his best not to move too much. He stretched him shoulders barely even moving. Sighing and moving his arms tighter around me. Something that had woken me up last time.

My bones felt tight. I shifted in his arms. We were both awake. And instantly we started moving apart. He pulled away slowly looking at me. Leaning in and kissing me. It's hard still grasping that he was my boyfriend. Bennett Williams was my boyfriend. Some how it didn't make sense. But I remembered everything he had said to me last night.

Somehow it did inside of me. On the outside I still felt the same.

"Hi," I said.

He smiled sleepishly. "Hi," He said back pressing his lips agaisnt mine.

We both got up without saying much of anything else. He got his car keys and we followed the same routine we had the first time. He drove me home. It was cold and the trees and landscape was dusted with a new blanket of snow. Everything looked white. And it was beautiful no matter how tired and exhausted I was.

When he pulled into my driveway, I realized how badly I didn't want to go. I leaned in and kissed him. His lips staying agaisnt mine longer than they should have. The neighbors could see us and that's the last thing I want. Something to prove half of people's theories right. His hands were cold. I wanted to hold them- because in the midst of all of this I felt warm. My body and my insides. All awakening to this shocking feeling of warmth.

I jsut looked at him for a few seconds. He pushed hair behind my ear. His fingertips drawing a line down from my ear to my neck. He just looked back. His eyes still a mystery. But they were si iverwhleming. I can say I never took him once for granted. Everything about him was as shocking and new to me as the first day we met. Being around him was the only time I had no walls between me and the world. I just didn't know how he managed to get passed them.

"Call me tonight," I said softly.

"I will," he said. "I'll call you later actually, if you're not doing anything. We could hang out."

I smiled. "Okay." Our voices were soft. Half-whispers. So only we could hear each other. Nobody else. He leaned in and kissed me. I closed my eyes one last time. Before I moved away from him. Getting out of his car leaving a trail of footprints up to my front door. When I looked back he was just sitting there watching me. There wasn't a blank stare on my face. but I recognized the feeling he was going through immediatly. Shock, disbelief. Sometihng I was so used to now after being with him I knew it right away.

I smiled at him a little before dissapearing inside of my own house. Silent and empty. But I felt so whole inside. I felt like I had no holes deep within. My home started feeling strange. Too big for me. Too empty for me to fill.

But liek the first morning I slipped inside. I leaned my back agaisnt the cold wood of out front door and slid to the ground. Making myself as small as I could, taking up the least amount of space the world and universe would allow. And I still felt warmth. And I still felt happy out of my mind. Something so alien to me before meeting Bennett, that was now settling in as one of the most common feelings in my life.

* * *

My mother came home a few minutes after me. I was relieved I had made it home when I did. But we haven't been getting along lately. Making me afraid to bring Bennett into the house with her here. He only comes over when she's gone.

She smield at me. "Hello," She said. "How was that concert last night?"

I nod. "Good,"

"What time did you get home?" She asked.

"Eleven, there wasn't that much traffic."

"That's good."

The conversation ends. I don't miss anything baout our relationship really. There never really was one to miss. But I started e-mailing Amber. And we've been going back and forth. With her encouragement behind me I found myself wanting to go agaisnt my mother even more. I'm tired of being Amber's opposite. I figure for me to learn how to be myself I need to get away from my mother first.

And as awful as it sounds, it's true.


	39. Chapter 39

Chapter 39

Bennett couldn't hang out with me today. He had to take a shift someone called in sick for. We could hang out afterwards if we could. And when we hung up, I felt an urge to get out of my house. I was hating the emptiness and the quiet. I needed to get away. And my mother's clicking on the computer was downsright annoying echoeing through the house all the way up to me. So I called Cass.

She and miles were going to the mall. She needed new jeans and he had nothing to do. So I was piced up in a half hour and we went to the mall. Soemthing I used to do a lot with Cass before dating Dave. We used to buy clothes with the money my mother gave me. I never had a need for all of it. Because even before Dave was anything in my life my mother was still agaisnt the whole job thing. Something she was finally giving up when I announced I was going to work. But now it was never.

It felt strange walking into dressing room with her and a stack of hangers all of new jeans because she had shrunk her last pair in the dryer. And as awkward as it seemed miles followed us around. Not complaining. We had a conversation too among the three of us. Cass shouting over the door she was chaning behind and Miles and I just talking normally.

The tihng with Miles is he always has somethign to talk about. It's amazing. Most people like that who have interesting things to say always run out of interesting things and end up repeating them. But miles never stopped. He always talked about movies. Or books. We even talked about _The Great Gatsby_ after Cass announced she hated it. I said some things I got from Bennett's notes in the margins off the copy he had given me. And Miels convinced Cass that it was an amazing book and that she should not hate it at all. It made me like the book better.

He talked about this movie and explained it to me and Cass once at lunch. Relating it to _Alice and Wonderland_ and _Through The Looking Glass_. We watched the movie again and it made total sense. To put it simply Miles is an artsy freak. He reads and watches movies and makes art non-stop. He lieks all music. He's vegan and he's straightedge. He's just an interesting kid. I didn't realize how interesting he was until today.

Cass was aware of this long before me though.

When they started hanging out Cass was obsessed with him. not in a crush kind of way but in a way that she quoted him non-stop and thought about things more than ever. Cass isn't a deep deep philosophical thinker. But after Miles and her became friends she took babysteps to becoming one. But she's still the same Cass I knew in middle school.

She had her jeans. She stared into the mirror. "I need to re-dye my hair." She said suddenly. "My roots are showing."

I had a flashback of the conversation last night with Becky about her hair. Cass dyes her hair last minute when her roots are really showing. I watcher her flip her orange hair over her shoulder walking away form the mirror. "What color?" Miles asked.

"I don't know." She said taking a clump of it in her fist. "Maybe platinum with pink high-lights." That was a serious comment too. She wasn't joking.

Miles looked at her hair firmly as we walked up to the register. "Yeah," He said. "I like how it sounds."

At the register I looked up. "Hi Elisa," It was Rainie Joseph. She smiled. Her hair was shorter now. And she was still gorgeous.

I smield back a little. "Hi," She rang up Cass' jeans. Cass had just enough money for them. But Rainie scanned a card form the clip on her waist. Fifteen dollars were subtracted.

"Family and friend discount." She said to us.

Miles raised his eyebrows looking at me. But Rainie was bagging the jeans without looking up. "I'm so sorry I didnt' see you last night," She said to me. I looked up at her. Shy and a little shocked she was talkign to me. "Paul told me he saw you and Bennett. God, I wish he told me I would have said Hi. I feel really rude now."

"It's okay," I said.

"Did Bennett get that shift today?" She asked.

"Yeah," I said swallowing. I felt my cheeks burning but no color would show. She was so intimidating.

"Paul's working today too." She said cheerfully. She handed the bag to Cass who was silent beside me. "But hey, see you around soon."

I smield politely. "Yeah, see you later."

Walking away Cass and Miles were quiet until we got out of the store. Cas linker her arm through mine. "You're a celebrity now, Lise." She said. "I didn't know you and Rainie were friends."

I smield a little. "Me neither."

"How was that show last night?" Miles asked me. He had been talking about how he had to miss it. And I told him I was going.

"Really good." I said.

"I wish I could have gone." He said. "Cass, you would have liked them."

"Make me a CD." She said. Unhooking her arm from mine. "Jesus, Lise," she started. "I hope you don't get too popular."

"That won't happen." I said without hesitating. It was a known fact.

* * *

I got a call from Bennett when Cass and Miles and I were leaving. He was getting off of his shift in a few minutes.

"I'm here actually." I said. "I'm with Cass and Miles."

I had told him about Miels. He had talked to him a lot at lunch the other day actually. He tohught he was interesting too. "Really?" He said. "Cool, so are you leaving or hanging around?"

"We're leaving right now, but if you're getting off soon I was jsut oging to go home. We could hang out." I said.

"Yeah," He said eagerly. "Are you near the CD store?"

"Yes actually."

"Come in, I'm getting off now."

"Okay,"

"See you,"

"Bye."

Cass and Miles were talking. "Hey, I'm going to go meet Bennett." I said.

"You guy's planning a hot date." Cass said dropping beside me teasing me. Her Elisa-and-Bennett jokes were constant and tiring. I rolled my eyes.

* * *

We sat own at a table at the food court. I remained quiet. Listenign to them talk. It felt strange being here with Bennett and Paul. But the part that struck me as strange was that Paul and Bennett were perfectly fine. Friends actually. I pictured Bennett's face in my head. With the bruise and everything. It was strange seeing them talking normally. About music.

When I had seen Rainie in the store she looked completely fine to me. Seeing Paul sitting diagonal to me, he looked like he was missing something. Half of him wasn't there. Except he didn't seem to notice. It seemed like something only I noticed.

They were talkign baout Sunday Drive. Fightign actually. Paul was very intimidating having this discussion with Bennett. But Bennett wasn't scared at all of him.

"I do have that record on vinyl," Paul said.

"And have you listened to it?" Bennett asked.

"Yes," Paul nodded.

"And you still say the last record was better?"

"Yes," Paul said again. "The first one was all acoustic guitar. There was no substance to that record at all. That's not sunday Drive at all. The second record was and that sound continued into the next one. It was like putting out an acoustic EP. It is more to keep current fans interested and to put sometihng out. It's not half as good as the next two. I don't know anyone besides you that thinks that."

"Elisa agrees with me."

I looked around liek a deer caught in the headlights. Paul jsut looked at me. "You do? Are you serious?" He asked.

I swallowed quietly. "Yeah," I said.

"I'm assuming you've heard it on vinyl then..." Paul said.

"No," I said. "Not yet."

Paul looked at Bennett half shocked. "You go on and on about vinyls and you haven't even played that record for her on it yet?"

Bennett rolled his eyes. "I leant it to someone." He said. I knew that was a lie. I had seen it leaning agaisnt his record player the other night. I do't know why he was lying about this.

Paul turned back to me. "So what's so great about this first record that I'm missing?" He asked.

I felt shocked he was askign me this. Not Bennett. Bennett would have given him a better answer than I could have. My face relaxed a little. "I don't know," I started. "It jsut has a lot more feeling to it. A lot more emotion. I mean, the last two records were good too, but the first one was jsut... epic I guess. If you like the band and have any respect for them you always like that record. People have their pick for the next one. The first one was just mindblowing, is the best way to put it." I said this all slowly. I had no confidence in my voice. It was shaky and soft.

But Bennett and Paul did not notice at all. In fact they expanded on that. Bennett supporting me and Paul finally comign around and saying he'll listen to it again with what I said in his mind. And from then on I was dragged into the conversations. In the back of my head I compared this all to Dave. If it were Dave and one of his friends, I would have remained silent. Sitting and just being there. Here my presence was noticed. And I was a part of it all in the small ways I was.

Paul got less and less scary as we talked. I stopped seeing the broad shoulders and the guy who punched Bennett. I saw the one who could talk about music with Bennett and could love Rainie Joseph and the boy Rainie Joseph could love back.

I saw though that Bennett was truthful when he had said they had put everythign behind them and become friends. Paul and Bennett seemed better friends than him and Sean.

It was getting later. We'd been sitting there for almost two hours. I expected Rainie it pop up out of nowhere and join us but it remained just the two and a half of us. Because Paul seemed more and more incomplete as I saw him alone. I always pictured Rainie and Paul together. They were inseperable. But clearly they weren't.

"Sorry," Paul suddenly said. His phone had been ringing. Playing the intro to a Sunday Drive song that was off their recent EP which Bennett and I had obsessed over quietly together. He answered it turning away slightly. I tried not to listen.

Bennett turned to me. "Do you need to be home soon?" He asked. "I could give you a ride, we're leaving soon anyway. Paul was jsut waiting for Rainie to get off her shift."

"Do you mind?" I asked.

He smiled. "Do you need to ask that?" He answered.

In a minute PAul hung up his phone. "She's jsut walking out," He sighed. "I gotta' go find her wherever the hell she is. See you Tuesday, right?" He asked.

"I have it off," Bennett said. "They switched my hours with Randy's."

"God that kid's a pain in the ass." Paul said under his breathe as we all stood up.

"I'm lucky I odn't have any shifts with him anymore." Bennett said smiling. "How many do you have?"

"Three," Paul grumbled unhappily. His phone started ringing again. He looked at us one final time saying goodbye.

I watched him wlaking away. Phone up to his ear talking to Rainie trying ot figure out where she was. I heard Pretzal Shack but that's it. Bennett took my hand and we started wlaking out.

"Sorry, he was jsut going to sit aorund anyway. I figured it was the same as inviting Sean. Was it okay with you?" He asked.

"It was fine." I said. "He is sort of scary though." I added.

Bennett nodded. "He used to scare the shit out of me. But he's not that intimidating when you get to know him. He's cool." He squeezed my hand. "I must say you blew him away with your little response to why you thought the first record was better out of the three." He kissed my temple. "Blew me away too, but I'm used to it by now."

I opened my mouth to answer him.

"He always looks kind of funny to me without Rainie though." Bennett said. "Like he's missing half of his face."

"I thought that too." I said lookign at him.

Bennett smiled. Moving his hand out of mine and moving it around my waist pulling me closer to him. His lips moving ot my temple again brushing my skin lightly. Small things liek that make my heart sing in my chest for hours.


	40. Chapter 40

Chapter 40

When Bennett dropped me off at home there was a jeep in my driveway. I was staring at it wondering why it was there. Why Amber was home. And it hit me that she was on her winterbreak. She had to come home. My mom had been calling her a lot asking her when she would be home. when she was going to grace us with her presence. I think my mother jsut wanted someone to vent to about me. My mother isn't mad she just doens't get how I could have moved on so fast. I didn't want to explain to her that I cheated on Dave too. Because she wouldn't see how I did it for the right reasons.

"Who is that?" Bennett asked. He was looking at Amber's jeep curiously. I think from the little I talked about my mother he knew this wasn't her car.

"My sister's home." I said. "I didn't know that hse was coming so soon."

He nodded. We had two more days of school. Two little days until we got out. Christmas was close. I leaned in to kiss Bennett. His moved his hand to my face. Brushing my skin lightly. I walked up to my house, he pulled away. He usually doesn't until I'm in my house but I think he sensed how quiet I got seeing my sister home. Because that meant my mother was too. My mother always was home when Amber arrived from school.

I heard them talking in the kitchen. "Hello?"

I started walking towards their voices. It was strange having them not at each other's throats. But amber was talking baout classes and I slipped in. Seeing they were leaning onto opposite counters drinking coffee. The smell was becoming unbearable for me, being surrounded by coffee four days a week was making me hate coffee. Becky didn't seemed bothered by it. Coffee was water to her it seemed.

"Hey, Kid." Amber said smiling at me. "Where were you?"

"The mall," I said. "With my friends." That prepositional phrase left my mother smiling. Glad I wasn't with Bennett like I have been none-stop all week.

"Christmas shopping?" My mother asked.

I shook my head.

"Elisa and I are going Tuesday," Amber said. We had been tlaking about when she would be home. The orginal thought was she would be here Tuesday. But somehow she was here. And she seemed happy. Sipping coffee talking to my mother. The woman she once swore she hated. When she was my age.

I nodded. "Yeah," I said.

My mother was smiling brightly. "That's good." She looekd at me adding something I thought was uneccessary. "Are you going to get your boyfriend something or not?" She said it so nicely too.

"Yes." I said softly.

I hung around in the kitchen for a few minutes. Amber telling me about how her break was early due to a snowstorm up north and how they let all the students go home early. When I had welcomed Amber home I went upstairs. Closing the door to my room. Relieved I had an ally in this cold quiet empty house.

* * *

For dinner we had spaghetti. My mother can at least make that for us. We all sat silently almost. Twirling our spaghetti. The fourth chair still empty for our father to sit in. The three of us not saying much. Amber loking from me to my mother. Our eyes down and our mouths closed. But she said nothing. Until the silence was eating all of us up with each time we swallowed.

"So," She said to me. "How's your job?"

My mother looked at Amber. "How did you know she had a job?" She asked before I even had my mouth open to respond.

"We've been e-mailing mom, calm down." Amber said. She tore a piece of her roll of popping it in her mouth. She chewed and swallowed. "You happy to be employed like the rest of us?"

One of the other reasons why my mother was agaisnt me gettign a job was Amber again. She had been hired and fired from more jobs than anyone I ever met. Not even making it to a barrista-stage at Starbucks. She worked everywhere. When Kerrington Mall was jsut a little one before they added a couple floors and worked at all the small stores that were later bought out. I grinned. Looking down at my food.

"It's fine." I said. "The girl I work with is fun."

My mother put her fork down and listened. It was strange. Watching her looking between me and Amber casually listening in on the things she had been too rude about my job in general to ask.

"What's her name?" Amber asked. The type of question my mother would have if I were talking about a math class or something. Even though Amber had a crazy high school phase she would make a great mother. I knew that when my dad left and my mother started working too much.

"Becky," I said. "She's Bennett's best friend's girlfriend. So we hang out with them a little. She is a lot like Cass but a little more conservative. I don't know, she's just a fun person to hang out with."

"You work at Carol's right?"

"Yeah,"

"God she had great jelly donuts," Amber said. "Me and my friends were obsessed with them. I went there once a week all Senior and Junior years."

"They are good." I said. Dave used to get them, but I never ate his. He always got grape jelly I'm more of a red-jelly type person. The classic one. Bennett likes those too but he doesn't eat a lot from Carol's. He says he's sick of them. His mother used to buy him one a week from age five to ten.

"Coffee too." Amber said poking her fork at me. "You have a discount at all there?"

"Free coffee for us and friend and family." I said. It was a new thing Carol added feeling nice.

"Sweet," She said. "I'll stop by when you're working."

My mother picked up her fork again. The conversation ending casually. Her mouth folded into a thin line. I looked away from her. She didn't want to have anything to do with this. I didn't get why. She still pushed me to quit. I never complain though. Not once when I have to wake up an hour earlier on school mornings to serve coffee to crabbing kids from my school and Coolen. It's something to do. It gives me purpose.

In two minutes we all finished simotaneously like robots. I kept my mouth shut bringing my dish to the sink and washing it off and putting the other dishes as well as mine into the dishwasher. Amber saving leftovers. "I have to make a business call." My mom said walking out of the room. Her and Amber had had a glass of wine each. I drank milk. But I watched my mother walking to her office, her smooth hand wrapped around the stem of her wineglass.

It was a perfect image. Something I wish I had taken a picture of. Hung up on the walls.

But I jsut turned back to the hot running water. Rinsing off the sauce stained plates and moving them mechanically to the racks of our dishwasher.

Amber leaning closer to me. "It's worse than I thought between you too." She carried a container of spagetti to our fridge.

I nodded. "It's awful," I said softly.

She nodded. And we left the kitchen silently. I looked back seeing how we had left no sign of us being in there. Once I turned off the light. It was another picture of perfection. Sometihng a kitchen should never be. I always imagined a kitchen being a mess. Dishes in the sink. Phones on the counters. Pots and pans stacked around waiting for the stove too cool off and for them to be neglected for two days before finally put away. But no- our kitchen was a stainless steel dream. I've seen identical images in Ikea magazines.

Amber was in her room. Her door open as she unpacked her clothes. I walked by to my room. Picking up the phone and dialing. Two rings before his voice filled my ear. I realized how uneasy I was. How I felt so misplaced. But his voice calmed me down. I knew where I belonged.

In my quiet house, I left my door cracked open, aware that all of the family I had left could hear my smiling and laughing and talking to the one person I never needed to learn how to be myself around. It came naturally. Stunning me and catching me off-guard. The same way it was when he first spoke to me of all people.

* * *

**A/N: **_It's funny. I was figuring I'd just finish this chapter tomorrow. I cranked out a good 1200 words from all I had this afternoon. I'll be gettign a few more updates in soon. This week I'm free alot. When my mom works I can sneak 2 or 3 updates in a day. But if you're a "Perfect Kisses" fan there may or may not be a little surprise for you. A gift so to speak- tomorrow or so. Happy Holidays!_

**Can you see what's gonna' happen soon? Predictions? Review Review Review Review.**


	41. Chapter 41

Chapter 41

We had all our Christmas shopping done by four. We had gotten stupid things for mom. And I talked about Bennett and she talked abotu her boyfriend Charlie. Who she was going to break up with soon because he was too boring. She wanted to meet Bennett though. I was only going ot see him tomorrow. Quickly. When I was at work. He and his mother were going to visit his grandparents for a couple days.

The last person on my list. He seemed the hardest.

I went into the record store. Paul wasn't working but the kid they hated was. Amber started walking towards CDs. But somehow the vinyl section caught my eye. He liked vinyls more than anything. So I figured I could look there.

I flipped through them. Amber talkign about the stupid things Charlie did. And I was listening. He had done some really awkward things in super markets apparently. Thigns that were dirty for a computer technical repair major that's for sure. But I was laughing mostly. Laughing a lot more than I ever have in front of Amber. We were like real sisters.

"Hey Elisa!"

My head turned. She walked wuickly into the store. The annoying kid who Bennett and Paul hated checked her out- not surprising. It was Rainie. She was smiling. "Hi," I said.

Rainie looked at Amber smiling too. "I'm Rainie," She said politely. She held her hand out for Amber to shake.

She did smiling. Almsot laughing at Rainie. "I'm Amber, her sister."

"Oh hi," Rainie said. She wasn't annoying. She reaminded me of a little kid. The way she smiled and how polite and slightly odd and dorky she was. But she was graceful about it all. Casual.

"What're you up to-" Her eyes widened. The grey blue taking over slowly. "He's gotten to you huh? He's such a vinyl-nazi."

I laughed shaking my head. "No, this is for him."

"Christmas shopping?" She asked. "Me too." She lifted a bag up. "All I have are disposable cameras so far."

Amber looked at her curiously.

She caught on. "It's an inside joke between me and my boyfriend." She said. "Well not an inside joke exactly. Just some little thing." She said peeking in to the CVS bag.

I nodded. "I don't know what to get Bennett." I said.

"Paul's easy for me." She said. "I gave him random crap for Thanksgiving, and he doesn't even care. Saves it all too. I make him use it." She was smilign at this. "But yeah, this time I'll try something better. Disposable cameras are my best bet so far."

"For Thanksgiving?" Amber asked smiling.

Rainie looked up smiling still. "TV commercials do me in. I bought him a coin sorter and a special super-towel or whatever." She said. "He loved it." There was sarcasm I caught on to. I can see Paul getting those things easily. He didn't seem the guy who would put up with random stuff liek that, but it wasn't impossible to picture him with a coin sorter. Rainie checked a Hello Kitty watch on her hand. "I have to go. Sorry," She said. "I hve to be in work in half hour. But hey, I'll stop by Carol's sometime. When do you work there normally? You're hours change a little."

"Next week I work Thursday at three." I said.

"Perfect, I'll stop by." She smield at both of us. "It was nice talking to you."

"You too." Amber said.

"Tell me waht you find Bennett though." She said to me. "Okay, see you next Thursday."

"Bye,"

She walked away waving one last time. Her bag with the disposable cameras in it dangling from her hands. I turned back to the records. Amber watched her still. "She's so pretty." Amber said.

"I know," I said.

"Do you hang out at school?" She asked.

I shook my head. "She goes to Coolen and she's a senior. But she and Bennett are friends and she and one of Bennett's friends are in love."

"Paul?" She asked.

"Yeah," I nodded.

Then I came to a bin and hit gold. I saw a peachy pink color poking out of the others. I kept flipping through already knowing what it was. But I found another two. Dashboard Confessional _Swiss Army Romance_ and _The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most._ I picked out both. Amber taking them from me and looking at them. They were cheap. Then I came to Death Cab For Cutie _The Photo Album._ Soemtihng I knew he didn't have.

I took the two records form Amber. She asked me why I was getting him these records. They were old. All from 2001 and 2000. I jsut said they were like an inside joke but not really. She understood a little. I think at least. I knew Bennett would like them.

* * *

I walked out of work. The bag dangling from my hand. I saw his car sitting idley in a parking space. He was reading. I climbed into his front seat. He was leaving soon. We were just going to say goodbye now. He wasn't shocked by me coming in. He looked tired. I smiled at him a little. He had on reading glasses. He sighed smiling too. They were big black-framed glasses.

He took them off. "They looked fine." I said.

"You were laughing at them on the inside." He said. He put them down on his copy of a book. I looked at it.

"What's that?"

He looked at the title. "My grandmother gave me a copy of it last year for Christmas." He said. "It's by e. e. cummings. It's better than I thought. But I felt bad about not reading it. She would ask about it." He looked at me. "I only see them once a year."

I nodded. _The Enormous Room_ by e. e. cummings. I've never heard of him.

"I'll lend it to you when I come back though. Are you done with _The Great Gatsby_?" He asked.

"Last chapter," I said.

"Did you like it a lot?" He asked.

"Yes," I said smilign at him. "I did."

He kissed me. His lips warm agaisnt mine. I moved my hands into his hair. It was still cold in his car. The heat not cranked up. Only halfway.

* * *

I slid into my car. Freezing as it was, I felt warm. I always did. It had been twenty minutes since I left work. I placed my plastic bag onto the empty passenger seat beside me and I started the engine. Rubbing my hands together. Hoping the friction could at least warm my shking hands. But I was so warm inside. My heart pounding blood throughout me faster than it ever had.

The bag next to me not yet opened. But it had a tall cardboard box in it. It was slightly heavy. Not much. But neither of us were opening our plastic bags in front of each other. In fact we were both saving them for when we got home.

And when I shut my bedroom door behind me. I sat beginning to open my plastic bag. My phone ringing noisily. I checked the caller ID. I didn't answer letting it ring and send him to voicemail. A smile on my lips as I opened a cardboard box with a thick envelope taped to it.

It said my name in the neatest messy handwriting I loved.


	42. Chapter 42

Chapter 42

_Elisa,_

_A little less than three months ago I met you. I've explained this before, but I can't believe I never noticed you before. You were so quiet and hidden from me, I don't know how I could have overlooked such a beautiful person like you are to me now. What used to get me mad was the fact that you loved someone who didn't think that. These thoughts ran through my head the second time we spoke. I would have given anything for you to be mine. _

_And now finally, you are truly mine. And I know you don't like people knowing. That's alright with me. No matter what people say I hope it doesn't change anything. Because I care about you so much. You are the most beautiful person in the universe to me._

_I didn't know what to get you. So I jsut bought all these little things I thought you might like. They all make me think of you._

_I hope you like everything._

_-Bennett_

My favorite part was the little boy hearts he drew next to my name and next to his. It's funny and strange how awkward little hearts are when boys draw them. But I put the little letter beside me on my bed. And then I opened the cardboard box. There was a box. On top was a stack of stick-it notes. I looked at the first one.

"The Box" - _I found this and yes, there is a key to it somewhere._

I took it out. Surely- as expected. It was locked. There was a little lock for a little key to fit in. But there was no key among the other things.

"The Turtle" - _When I was little, my grandmother gave me these ceramic toys to play with and there was this turtle. I_ _don't play with them much anymore, and I don't expect you to, but I thought he was a cute little funny gift._

I smiled taking out a little ceramis turtle.

"The Rose" _- My mother used to press her favorite flower from the ones me and my aunt used to pick her. I found this one, and it was always my favorite. _

"The Get Up Kids - Four Minute Mile " - _This is probably my favorite record by them. I listened to it the day after the night we had our first kiss, and the first night you were ever mine._

Last there was a little red velvet box. I picked it out. Holding it. It was old looking. It looked like a little ring box or something for jewelry. I opened it up and there was a necklace in it. A chain. But it was this pretty silver. Written at the bottom of it, it said 'Save Me' and that was it. There was no stick-it notes for it. Just those two words.

I smiled. I hadn't stopped. I went over to the phone dialing his number. The rings continued until I got voicemail. I smiled. When the beep arrived I had really nothing to say. "Hi... it's me... call me when you get this or when you can. But I jsut called to say... Thank you. Call me tonight if you can. I'll answer.. bye." I hung up feeling embarrassed and slow from my message.

There was a new voicemail message on my phone. I dialed it. But to my surprise, even though he always had the most incredible things to say, it was just a few seconds of silence. I heard him breathe and then he hung up.

But I smiled anyway. Because that was enough for me.

* * *

**A/N: Short. I know.** _But I've been wrapping presents! Extreme Wrapping Project #1 a journal wrapped in the shape of a space shift. Porgress: Completed. _**Happy holidays! Review. Tell me if this was a good gift. From Bennett to Elisa. And if you agree with the boy heart thing.**

_The thing with the turtle is I wrote this with my turtle Thor next to me. It was inspiring and metaphorical and influential. I didn't intend it to be the way it was. But... I had to._


	43. Chapter 43

Chapter 43

I shoved my hands into my pockets, walking quickly. The sun was setting. Making the sky a watercolor rainbow. The colors spread so far apart you could barely see them. They were so light. The trees making a jagged fram ahead after the houses. It was beautiful. I could see my breathe. It looked like smoke. But it was cleaner and fresher. My heart pounding in my chest.

The only thing bothering me was that my feet weren't moving fast enough.

Snow had been cleared away by the pale blue clear sky that had hovered over us for two days. The cement of the sidewalk was stained to a dark grey. It felt like spring was coming. But we had only passed the first checkmark of winter.

I turned the corner. Passing our streetlight, which was still out like it has been each time I've passed it in the past two days. But I turned my eyes to the sidewalk along the wooden fence of the Browne's. Waiting for my aching shins to finally show it was work speedwalking here. I was close to jogging. My heart singing.

It was a few seconds. A few steps. When my lips curled up into a smile. Most hellos- even after the shortest goodbyes- are strange. We both slowed down. Walking slowly up to each other. I smiled wider. And he was smiling just ot see me. We were a foot apart, where time seemed to stop and we jsut looked at each other. Standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Two days. Really that time had gone by fast. He stepped closer to me. His hands moving to my face. His fingers sliding hair behind my ear. I moved my hand into his hair. He was so much taller than me but he had leaned his face down closer to mine.

He leaned in closer. His lips brushing mine. I closed my eyes, moving a little closer and eliminating any space left in between us. My lips pressed agaisnt his. We stood there together. Christmas gone for another year. Stuck in the greyest most hopeless days of any child's year. But we were happy. The excitment and energy colliding at that moment was much more than anything I have expirienced in years.

It was so cold you could see the air pass from my mouth to his when we moved away. Our foreheads leaned together. "Thank you," He said softly to me. His lips moving to the corner of my mouth.

"Thank _you_," I said back softly. My eyes opening again.

* * *

I sat on the floor of his bedroom. My back agaisnt his bed. And he sat agaisnt the wall. Next to his record player. His guitar with The Get Up Kids sticker on it in his arms. We were listening to _The Photo Album_ as he played along at some parts. Saying this was only the third time he had listened to it becuasee of his absensce.

We were walking. But sometimes I'd stop and listen to him playing. He'd mess up a few times, pausing when he didn't know parts. It was perfect though. No matter what was said we just sat together. Happy. As strange as it was I was happy. no matter what had happened. I was happy. This feeling so overwhelming. I'd never been through such a sudden period of utter happiness.

His mother poked her head into the room saying she was going to work. Not even finding it strange we were alone in the bedroom together. I think she trusted us. With the five feet in between us I think she knew better than to be popping her head in more than neccessary. My house wasn't an option. My mother still not too into the idea of Bennett. I hoped eventually I could have him over my house more often. But he never minded.

His mother msield at me when she saw me sitting there. I felt welcome.

Sometihng I hadn't felt since before my father left.

When you live in a home like mine. The emptiness and the quiet takes away from the feeling of welcomness. There is none basically. So to be with someone who means more than anything to me, to feel happy and welcome... I felt like I could do anything.

The record finished shortly after his mother had pulled out of the driveway. The room was almost too dark for the small lamp on the table beside his bed to fight so he got up. His guitar in one hand putting it on the stand on turning on another light overhead. I stayed where I had been sitting. And in no longer than a few seconds his arms were around me. Holding me agaisnt him. I let myself lean agaisnt him.

It felt natural and comfortable. When I had dated Dave moments like this were hsort. Awkward slightly. And hard. But I leaned my head against his shoulder. His body turned to pull me agaisnt him. On his floor it wasn't uncomfortable. It was a rig where we were sititng. He kissed my forehead. "Is your mother home tonight?" He asked quietly.

"Yes," I said softly.

He ran his hand across my back shifting slightly. "Do you have to be home a certain time?" He asked.

"I didn't tell her where I was," I said. "If I told her I was with Cass she'll care less about how late I am. So any time before two."

"No later than two?" He asked softly. His words warm on my skin.

"Why?"

"I don't want you to go." He said.

"I won't until I have to." I said softly. "Promise."

He shifted again tipping my face up to his. "Okay," He said. He pressed his lips against mine. And we started kissing. My heart rushing to keep myself concious. My mind moving so fast nothing could keep up. We kissed softly. In the silence. His arms wrapping around me. Holding on as tight as he could.

He would never let me go.

* * *

I had always been sort of awkward. Unsure. The first time I ever kissed a boy, freshman year, I had no idea what to do. I panicked. That boy though didn't break up with me because I had given him the most awkward first kiss he could have ever asked for- he moved away. Yo Michigan.

I've come a far way I think.

I fit nicely along his body as he held me. My head rested agaisnt his chest, listening to his heart. Beating steadily in his chest. So loud and so surely. It was the mostreliable sound I had ever heard. I was tired. My mind flahsing about. But we were in the silence. Not saying anything.

"I hate the quiet." I said suddenly.

"Me too," He said. We both were dead honest.

"I'm sick of everything being quiet." I said. I must have been out of it or something. Needing sleep even though it wasn't past midnight yet. "My house is the worst. You've never been into a more quiet empty place. It's so big. Everything just echoes. But the quiet is unbearable."

"When I'm alone at night sometimes, and I can't sleep, I can't stand it." He said softly. His voice having a certain tiredness to it.

"I hate being alone in my house." I said. I added. "At night."

He kissed my forehead. "I wish you didn't have to go through that Elisa." He said.

"You don't deserve it either," I said looking at him. His lips curled up slightly at the corners. I touched his skin with my fingertips.

"I'll try and fix everything for you," He kissed me. I kissed him back. My next question lost easily. Never recovered until I was lying in my bed alone.

* * *

We returned from behidn the red door a few minutes after two. He slid his hand into mine and we walked. The owrld was quiet too. But a different kind from the one we resented so much. We stopped a few feet before stepping out in front of my house and I kissed him goodbye. My hands in his hair. And his around me. We kissed for a minute or two. Before he let me walk into my house. My mother asleep.

She trusted me still. Even though I was becoming everything she ever dared to say she hated.


	44. Chapter 44

Chapter 44

I was sitting on Cass' bed flipping through a music magazine she bought because her favorite band was named "Band of the Year" or something in it. She was looking at her roots in the mirror. I flipped through the pages as she talked about whatever. Asking me what I got for Christmas. Really, I didin't get anything special for Christmas. My mother just gave me money and gift cards and a few little things I'll end up sticking in my closet.

"I'm dying my hair this Friday, it's disgusting and trashy now." She said.

Her hair's been orange for about four months now. I have to say I liked it orange the best I think. But I get why she would want to dye it again. Her natural dirty blonde hair was showing. And once she notices it it eats her up until she decides to dye it. "What color were you thinking?" I asked.

"I _was_ going to do platinum blonde with pink highlights," She said. "But I'm going to do red. Like really red. They had some at that store I got this orange from. I really like it."

"That'd be cool." I said turning the page. She moved away form the mirror. Walking over to her bereau. "Is dying your hair hard?" I asked curiously.

"No," She said. "It gets easy. I think I'm good at it by now."

"Is it easy to rake care of your hair after?"

"Yeah," She said. Her head turned, her eyebrows folded together. "What's up with all these questions?"

I shrugged. "I was just wondering." I turned back to the article about some band I knew.

She was smiling. I could tell. "You thinking about dying your hair aren't you!" She said.

"No," I said.

"I don't get why you don't." She said. "You'd look so good with dark hair."

I looked at her. "I'd chicken out even if I tried." I said. "If my mom would not flip out and chop my head off maybe. But I don't think I'm the kind of person who would dye their hair."

"You've changed a lot Elisa." She said. "Do you hear yourself? Before Bennett you would have never even asked me about dying my hair or anything. Now you're saying you would consider."

"I'm not that different."

"Do you want to try?" She asked. "Even if you chicken out?"

I thought about it. I didn't _mind_ my hair. But everyone in my family had this color hair. I was too pale to have hair this light. Considering it... was probably like saying you'll go on a roller coaster and chickening out. But I knew Cass would never give me a hard time about this. So I figure it'd be okay to consider doing it. Try to at least. My mother would be pissed. I had no idea how she'd react. I realized I stopped caring though. What my mother thought.

"Sure," I said looking at Cass.

In an hour we had a color picked out of hair dye she had once had. This dark color I actually loved. And I hadn't chickened out yet. I wasn't even nervous or feeling any different picking out a hair color. We planned Friday afternoon. But I had to leave. I was going to IHOP with Bennett and his friends and he was picking me up in a half hour.

* * *

Sean and this kid Jonah I had just met shoved tables together. And we all sat around them. I sat next to Bennett. Becky to my other side. There were two other kids. One of them a smaller kid. Sophomore. His name was Chase, Jonah's little brother. The other was this kid Nick with spikey hair and a wrinkled flannel shirt he looked like he had been wearing for days.

There were six of us. And from what Jonah was saying to Sean there were usually more even without me.

Across the restaraunt I saw Rainie and Paul. Not even seeing us come in. They were talking. Or she was talking excitedly. Using hand movements you'd expect to see when a very energetic person was explaining a a train running over seven cars and three people. But he was just staring at her and she was smiling and tlaking.

I was sitting there for a few minutes listening to Bennett talking to Jonah. When their conversation ended, Jonah looked at me. His eyes widened. And he smiled. He had the straightest teeth I had ever seen. But he was starign at my shirt. "You just got some cool points," He said loudly. He put his hand in the air for me to give him a high five.

I felt awkward. I gave him a high five.

"Bennett, we've gotten another Saves The Day fan." Jonah said to Bennett.

Bennett was smiling. "Guess what else she listens to?" Jonah widened his eyes.

"Get Up Kids?" He guessed. He didn't even wait he held his hand up again for a high five. He held on to my hand. "When you dump this kid call me."

I smiled a little. Bennett rolling his eyes sliding a hand around my waist. I wasn't on the outside anymore of any conversation. I didn't miss it either. I was still quiet. Saying as little as possible. But nobody acted weird having me there. I was always included. I didn't need Bennett to carry me along with them. I was welcomed in. Something I was very new to.

We were there a while. All sitting and talking. I felt a part of it the whole time.

Rainie and Paul left before us. They stopped at our tables saying hello. Everyone said hello back. But Sean was silent.I thought that was strange. He kept his eyes down at the table when they came over. Jonah kidded around with Rainie. Bennett asked Paul if he was going to this show in two weeks.

I always feel bad now comapring Bennett with Dave. But again, with Dave I would have been sittign there beside him. His arm around my waist and him being the center of attention. But nobody here ever was for long. Jonah told stories of ridiculous thigns that have happened to him in the past week. Actually out of everyone Bennett was the center of attention the least. Chase got more attention than him. And somehow this was all normal.

Even for me. This just felt normal. I felt a part of the group, not lagging behind.

* * *

**A/N:** _Sorry about my promising of soemthing and never going through with it. It's really hard and annoying and it's hard getting it to fit along with everything._ _Copy and Paste are all I have been doing. _**Review Review Review. Prediction?**


	45. Chapter 45

Chapter 45

I woke up each morning late. Feeling that feeling of satisfaction waking up four hours later than I would if this weren't a winter vacation. As the weeks tread on I feel myself moving on completely from Dave. His name barely registers in my mind now. I stumble acorss little things sometimes. But they never stop me anymore. Because even if it still hurts it doesn't sting long.

It's easier now for me to accept that Bennett is my boyfriend. The word "boyfriend" means nothing to me suddenly. We had been like this so much longer than we've been boyfriend and girlfriend, now jsut everyone knows. Which is the only hard part. But accepting that he feels the same way about me as I feel for him, is getting easier. I spend a lot of time with Cass. Alone now. Now everything is back to the way it was. But yet so far from it.

I look into the mirror and see myself. My face the same. But what's different is under my skin. Something deeper. And somehow I can't see it but other people can. The people I love the most can. It's jsut that I can't at all.

Whenever I'm home alone now I make CDs. The periods when I'm alone at home are shorter. Almost rare. But I try and do the same I had done before Bennett had come into my life. I make CDs that are full of songs I had never known before he showed them to me. Songs I used to listen to when I first thought I was in love with Dave. Songs I never heard on records I haven't listened to for years. Everything in my life is so refreshing and new. Happier on so many levels.

The days went by one their own. Time going fast. I always had somewhere to go. I never once had a situation where I wasn't going somewhere.

On Thursday there was a party Bennett was playing. It was at Jonah's house. The one I recognized from the first night Bennett and I kissed. There were a few minutes alwyas beofre Bennett played that I hated the msot. It was when I was alone in a crowded room. Walking around. People looking at me and talking. Those the whispers were dying down. People still talked a little.

Seeing me. Small and shy and Elisa Simmons. And seeing me as Bennett Williams' girlfriend.

It never seemed to click in their minds right. Same as it never did in my mine at first.

I saw Rainie across the room. She was waving to me. Paul beside her. His arm around her waist. Talking to some other guy. She turned back ot the conversation and I kept walking. But I watched them for a few short moments. They just stood there. Even when they were focusing on different things you could see it. They were in love. I envied them of that.

I'd always go downstairs though. Tonight, not even being able to see him through the crowd. But I was there. Invisible. And unnoticed. But he knew I was there. And he played a song with pretty chords. Except it wasn't the one I knew right off the bat. It was a new one. And this one tore me to pieces. It was better than I've ever heard him sing. It never came into my head that that song was another one about me. I didn't care about that. It was beautiful. The type of song that moved me and tore me down all at once. Giving me an emotion I could never relate to anything, much like the first song he wrote me with pretty chords.

But through it. People turned once or twice to look at me. I was just listening. Aware that I was in a group, not even seeing Bennett's eyes as he sung this. I saw everyone else's. And I wished I could onyl see his. Because those eyes ate away inside. While this song made my heart sing for the rest of that night.

* * *

Bennett kissed me. His lips staying agaisnt mine longer than they normally did in front of people. Especially with them watching. But I fell a million feet for him. And I kissed him back. Feeling butterflies in my stomach and my hands shaking. He never did this on purpose, but somehow he did.

"How was I tonight?" He asked me still holding me close.

"Amazing," I said.

He kissed me. His lips soft agaisnt mine. And then he pushed hair out of my face. Just lookign at me. His unreadable eyes. Whatever he was thinking I knew had to do with me. That's all I could understand now. His eyes were still mysteries. I always wondered if mine were easy to read to him. They probably were.

We hung around downstairs on these two couches that faced each other. Jonah was there and Sean and Becky. But after about twenty minutes Paul and Rainie came over and sat with us. Paul telling Jonah and Bennett about these kids he got together to play music with.

Rainie started turning away from the conversation between the boys. Sean sitting detached from the guys next to Becky. But he was silent like he had been before. "Paul left his band?" Becky asked Rainie.

Rainie nodded. "There was so much drama and everything." She said. "Plus they had to play shows with complete assholes Paul said."

My mind flashed to Dave. "Three Cheers?" Becky asked.

"Yep." Rainie said. "All of them were such little bitches."

"Whose in that band again?" Becky asked. She didn't know.

I spoke up when Rainei shrugged a little. "They're a Kerrington band," She said. "Paul didn't tell me their names."

"Do you know?" Becky asked me.

There was no lying. I had Dave behind me right? "My ex-boyfriend," I said quietly, so it didnt' catch Bennett's attention. "Dave Madeville. He sings for them. And his friends."

The conversation got really awkward. I saw Sean though. Sitting there silently looking at me shortly. Everyone knew by now. I had left Dave for Bennett. Dave wasn't known for being in his band. He was just known. Rainie pulled the conversation back up. Within a few minutes it was normal again. I was sort of out of it. When everyone was back into one big conversation, Bennett leaned in to my ear. "What's wrong?" He asked.

"Nothing." I said.

He moved his hand to my lower back and leaned me agaisnt him liek I was really hurt. I think by now he could tell if I was lying. If he knew what to do now when I was telling a small lie, I figured he'd always know now. And somehow he made me feel better. He always did.

* * *

At his house I saw myself in the mirror. He was putting on a new record, and I saw my hair. Tomorrow was Friday. I was supposed to dye it tomorrow. I hadn't told anyone because I hadn't come up with whether or not I still wanted to. I wasn't nervous or worried about tomorrow at all. In fact I just looked at my hair. And made up my mind.

He came back over to me. Something Corporate coming out of the stereo. I didn't remember this record well but it had been a favorite last year. He came over and pulled me in to his arms. And we jsut lay there listening. He held me. Breathing even breathes. His heart beat soothing and reliable.

I closed my eyes for a few minutes. To wake up a little while later. His arms still around me, but the record ending. The last song he kissed my forehead on the last note of piano. His lips staying agaisnt my skin. Knowing I was probably asleep.

That was where I belonged now.

* * *

Cass looked at me. Her red hair bright and fitting. She smiled a little. Excitedly. "Are you ready?"

I sighed heavily. Looking at my light brown hair again. "Let's get this over with."

* * *

**A/N: How has Elisa changed from the beginning of the story? Why? Predictions.**

**Review. Review. Review. Review.**


	46. Chapter 46

Chapter 46

Cass pulled in to the parking lot of the IHOP. I saw Bennett waiting outside. His hands in his sweatshirt pocket and his breathe visible in front of him. I didn't know what would be more painful for him. Staying out in the cold or seeing me. Cass sighed. "I told you," She said. "You should have told him before."

"I know," I said. "I just didn't think I'd go through with it."

"Get out." Cass said smiling. She was getting too much enjoyment out of this.

I took my time. Undoing my seat belt and looking at her one last time. "Wish me luck." I said. I opened the door slowly. Getting out. My eyes down and I shut the door to my car. I looked up and he was just turning back around seeing me.

Cass drove away when I started walking towards him. He was jsut looking at me. I didn't know what he thoguht at all. He blinked slowly looking at me. When I was close enough. He suddenly smiled. Nothing of what I expected. "Wow," He said quietly. I suddenly wished I hadn't dyed my hair. I wasn't sure how I felt about it. I regretted it. He stpped closer to me. He kissed me. His arms wrapping around me. He jsutl ooked at me. His brown eyes so sweet and soft. "You look beautiful."

I didn't think anyone used that word anymore. This was jsut my hair color changing. I hardly would say I ever looked beautiful. I was just me still. Small, shy, emo-Elisa. But here he was lookign at me in a way I never seen him before. Telling me I was beautiful. I thought you were only beautiful when you were all dressed up and looked the part. I was the same except for my hair.

"Thank you," I said quietly. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was planning to do this."

He laugehd a little. "It's okay." He said. He touched my hair. He kissed my forehead and we went inside my hand wrapped up in his. It was stupid for me to dye my hair becuase when I walked in to the restaurant all of the kdis there that had known me stared and Becky was nearly screaming and jumping up out of her seat. But there was no going back.

I felt more self concious in front of these people. There were four other kids here. Kids Bennett didn't really know. They sat on the other end of the tables. Jonah looked at me for about two minutes straight.

"What?" I asked.

He was smilign a little suddnly. His cheeks leaning onto his arms. "Sweet hair." He said. "You remind me of Rainie Joseph now."

Becky looked at me. "Yeah, you look like her." She gasped. "That's so weird. I never noticed this before."

I was shocked and weird being compared to Rainie Joseph. My hair was new. Nothing was different though. Bennett was quiet smiling at me. He pushed my air in between us back behind my shoulder. We hung aroudn at IHOP like before. I felt so self concius though. I crossed my arms a lot. But Bennett was there beside me. I was thankful for him.

* * *

We were in his room. We were sitting on the floor. He kept looking at me though. "What?" I asked suddenly. He blinked hard.

"What?"

"You were starign at me again."

"I'm sorry," He said, he meant it.

"Is it that bad?" I asked. I looked down.

He laughed a little. Getting up and sitting next to me. "When did I tell you it looked bad?" He said. He moved his hand around my lower back and leaned me agaisnt him.

"You keep staring at me. And everyone is now." I said. "I didn't think I looked that bad that people stare at me now like I have three heads."

"Have you looked in a mirror?" He asked.

"Yes,"

"And you don't see it?"

"See what?"

He didn't answer. He took my hand and played with it. Running his fingertips along my knuckles. He kissed the top of my head. "I can see how beautiful you are Elisa. I always could. Because you let me. And now everyone has a chance to see how beautiful you are on the inside and on the outside. What people were saying to you were true. But the only reason they said you looekd like Rainie was because you and her are those people that are the type of beautiful that you look alike. But with you you just need to look a little harder."

"Rainie is gorgeous. I could never look liek her." It was true facts.

He paused for a second. His fingers moving tracing the lines in my palms. He kissed the top of my head. "Do you need to go home tonight?" He asked after a few minutes.

I tried to remember. But my mother's schedule had changed. "I don't know." I said. "Maybe."

"It's one-thirty." He said. "Do you want me to wlak you home?"

"Yes," I said.

He stood up. His hand finding mine and pulling me up. His arms wrapped around me in one sweeping movement. He kissed me. And in one moment I was lost in his arms. His hand guiding me outside of the red door. And I walked beside me. Our footsteps even in the quiet world. Our streetlight was on and we both stared at it.

Not saying anything.

My driveway was empty. And my car was in our garage. I didn't want him to go. I looked at him. "Do you want to come in?" I asked quietly.

"Sure," He said. And we went inside.

* * *

I woke up the next morning. My legs tangles with his. He was barely awake too. But we both shook ourselves up out of bed. Last night we had hooked up. I sat on the edge of my bed when he gave me my shirt. I pulled it over my head. He did the same. He came back over to me. Leaning down and kissing me. "If we do this more often," He said. "I don't know what I'll feel like when I wake up alone."

I smiled. "Me neither."

"But waking up with you in my arms is the greatest feelign in the entire world." He sat next to me falling back. I looked down touching his face. He jsut stared back at me. His fingers touched my wrists. He kissed me. "You look so different." He said smilign agaisnt my lips. "I love it."

This year was ending tonight. It was so strange. It felt like everything was just beginning.


	47. Chapter 47

Chapter 47

It was seven when I walked in to the CD store. I didn't see Bennett right away. I jsut noticed Paul talking loudly in to the phone about something. Getting interrupted every few seconds. Starting up again where he left off. Bennett stood behind the ocunter watching too. It was impossible to not watch Paul or try and keep up. But his face changed. He held the phone out looking at the screen. Whoever it was they had hung up.

He threw the phone onto the counter. I'm surprised it didn't break. "Two minutes," He sounded angry.

I exchanged a look with Bennett. Paul looked up seeing me. "Hi," He said.

Bennett was getting up to leave. "My shifts done." He said. "Robbie's coming in a little while to close down."

Paul sighed running a hand through his hair. Not responding. Bennett didn't seem to notie he came over to me, kissing me like he had this morning. "Hey," He said.

"Hi,"

Then Bennett turned back to Paul. Shifting sliding his hand around me. "If you and Rainie aren't doing anything tonight, me and a few kids are going to go hang out at the IHOP."

"Yeah," Paul said. "I'm not sure what we're doing yet, but if we can we'll go."

"Cool,"

Then suddenly you could hear Paul's phone ringing. He sighed picking it up. It was to his ear no more than a few seconds. There was a short silence, he didn't say hello. But he just smield a little. "I love you, too." He had been fighting with Rainie. And no matter how impossible it seemed to me it took her five minutes to call back and apologize.

"You're whipped." Bennett said to Paul shaking his head.

Paul shot Bennett a look. And then we left. Leaving Paul on the phone with Rainie.

* * *

There was a party a lot of people were going to. Cass and Miles were there. When I saw Cass people were complimenting her new hair color. Hers stood out more. But with me, people just stared form far away. Looking at me. Bennett had stopped looking at me weirdly. We were back to normal now.

But nothing would ever be the same.

I tried not to pay attention to everyone. I kept my head down a lot. Or focused on the conversations I took a small part in. Bennett asked me if I wanted a drink. I said yes. And I was alone.

I saw Cass and Miels tlaking. I figured I sould join them and not be alone too long. I was walking towards them. Someone tapped my shoulder. I turned around. "Hi," They said.

"Dave, leave me alone." I said I started turning.

He grabbed my arm. "Elisa," He said. "I know you hate me. But I miss you."

"Let go," I said I yanked my arm free.

"You look so different." He said softly. Looking at me. "I just... I feel like I never knew you. I thought you would never do something so sudden like this."

"You're right." I said quietly. I was losing confidence a little. His voice was so innocent. I hated him. "You never knew me."

"I regret that Elisa," He said. "I really do. And now you and that..." He stopped himself before he made a Bennett is a fag joke. I have to say they have died down. Those jokes. "...and Bennett Williams. It hurts Elisa. I still want to get to know you. Can we please talk or jsut be friends? I jsut need a chance to explain what happened."

I looekd at him. This was ridiculous. "Are you kidding?" I asked. My eyes widened. "You want a chance to tell _me_ you cheated on _me_ and explain why you didn't try this when I broke up with you. Dave, why would I ever talk to you again? I don't _need_ you anymore."

I started walkign away. "Why are you even with that fag?" He said loudly drawing me back. I turned back to him. He was pissed. "Or a better question: why is he with you?"

There was a moment there when he got through to me. Made me want to break down. I swallowed hard. I came back. Seeing suddenly everything Bennett has done to me. How he has changed me. "Fuck you, Dave." I said loudly. "Just stay away from me. Do you know what happened? I cheated on _you, _too. Just fuck off, okay?"

I walked away. I felt my feet carrying me. I went outside. Not even thinking about Bennett. Or what time it was. Or what I was going to do. I just needed fresh air. I sat on the stairs of the back porch. My legs drawn close to me. I hugged them to my chest. I was so small. Pulled tight together in a little compact shape.

I closed my eyes. And the cold air on my skin eventually made me shiver. But I stayed there. In the quiet. In the dark.

* * *

"Elisa," The voice was warm. I looked over at him. He was smiling a little at me. Even thoguh I wasn't smiling the small smile on his lips stayed. He came over beside me. Sitting close beside me. His hand moved around my lower back. I leaned against him once he was there. He kissed my forehead. "I heard what happened. God, I was looking for you."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly.

"What are you sorry for?" He asked. He was so warm. I stopped shivering. He made me feel warm. He held me closer.

"He keeps getting to me." I said. "Dave."

He sighed. His breathe a cloud exiting his mouth. "Elisa, do you still care about Dave?" He asked.

I moved away a little. "Do I really need to asnwer that?" I said looking into his sweet bornw eyes. But they were serious. He didn't answer just stared back at me. "No. You know that though." I said.

"Then should you need to apologize because he came back for two minutes into your life?" He asked quietly. This didn't need an answer. I leaned back agaisnt him. His arm moving around me. He kissed my temple. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I think so." I said.

He was holding me so clsoe to him. I must have felt so cold. My hands were half frozen off. "Do you want to go back inside?" He asked quietly.

"No," I said. "Did a lot of people hear what I said to him?"

"Yeah," He said. "I tihnk so. Cass told me what happened. But I don't think she was a first-hand witness. I can't picture you screaming your head off at him. No matter how much you dislike him."

I laughed a little at this. I moved away looking at him. He tilted my face up and kissed me softly. I closed my eyes, moving my hand into his hair.

* * *

We were parked on the edge of the road near this pond, where we had the last big snowstorm. And we sat there. He played music and we were talking. He'd kiss me and I'd kiss him. We were perfect together i nthat car playing music back and forth. He was laying CDs I didn't know of bands I was never aware of. They were all sweet songs. The kind that made my heart melt.

Some of them I knew. He'd play them special for me. They were songs on the mixtapes he made me. This year was ending. The hardest beginning was finally smoothing out giving me a fresh start. One I could begin with the one person who made me the person I am becoming.

I looked at him thinking this. We were quiet. Listening to _Futures_ by Jimmy Eat World skippign aorund form this song to that one.

He smiled a little. "What?"

"Nothing,"

"What are you thinking about?" He asked quietly, his smile fading.

I shrugged. "I don't know." I said. He jsut waited. "I was jsut thinking about how much I've changed this past month." He pushed hair behind my ear. We were sitting close. I blinked. His finger brushing my skin. "Thank you," I was suprised by this clipping out past my teeth.

"For what?" He asked softly.

"For changing me." I said.

He shook his head. "I didn't change you, Elisa." He said. He looked at me pausing for a few seconds. The song changing. "I never thought I'd ever be sitting here... with you. I never pictured myself being this lucky."

I stared at him quietly. Ready to say something I just wasn't sure what. He looked over at the dashboard clock. 11:59. He looked at me. His eyes soft. He leaned in. I closed my eyes. And he kissed me. The world shifting underneath me. It wasn't the world though. It was jsut time. I pressed my lips softly against his. He moved closer to me. Moving his hands around my waist. I moved mine into his hair. And we kissed softly and quietly. Not moving. We kept silent. The record jsut in the background. With the silence defeaning to us.

We moved away. Trying ot catch our breathe. Looking at the clock. 12:02.


	48. Chapter 48

January.

Chapter 48

When we pulled in to the IHOP parking lot we saw Jonah smoking in front. He waved when we drove by and into a parking space. When we got out of the car he dropped his cigarette and started walking towards us. "Hey," He said. His eyes were wide and he was jittery I guess. Bennett looked at him.

"Are you okay?"

"Had one of them five hour energy shots." Jonah said grinning. "Been awake for two days tomorrow morning." Bennett nodded, looking at me and exchanign a look. I smiled a little. "Beck and Sean are inside. I had to have a smoke."

"Okay," Bennett said. And we went inside. It was so cold out.

Jonah yelled across the restaurant to them. It was empty except for soem college-aged kids that turned shooting Jonah a dirty look. But he was boucing running towards the table. A waitress yelled at him, but he had already crahed in to Becky jumping in to his seat.. She elbowed him hard in the rib. "Jesuschrist," She hissed. "You freaking moron."

Sean laughed. Jonah shifted. Bennett and I sat down across from them. There were two tables pushed together. Bennett spilled off onto the other. I sat next to Sean.

"Where were you tonight?" Becky asked me and Bennett.

"Party," Bennett said. "I thought you guys were going to it."

Becky rolled her eyes. "Family thing." She said. "I don't get it. We all sit at home watching this giant ball drop in slow motion it's dumb."

Sean smield a little. "It wasn't that bad." He said. "Your mom was hysterical."

"No," Becky said. "She was embarrassing." She looekd at me and Bennett. "She was gettign drunk and singing the national anthem for twenty minutes, it was awful."

Jonah was tapping his fingers on the table. They were hitting the table so fast and hard it was annoying. Becky reached over slamming her hand down on his. "Stop."

Jonah laughed. "What?"

Sean laughed too. "Is anyone else coming?"

"Paul said him and Rainie were." Bennett said. "I ran into them at the party. They just needed to stop by her house real fast. She had to watch the ball drop with her family."

"Oh," Sean said. "Cool."

"Okay," Jonah said. "Guys, you gotta' hear this story..."

It took twenty minutes before Jonah shut up about how he hit this animal. He had no idea what it was but he did it last night on five hour energy shots again. He apparently stays up for long periods on special occasions. Last summer it was the fourth of July and him and Sean set fireworks off at four in the morning. Bennett had told me when Jonah got up to get another cigarette.

When he came back in Rainie and Paul were with him. Jonah was telling Rainie his story about hitting the animal and she was nodding and listening and Paul was trying his best not to because Jonah was making this story as exaggerated and long as he could. "...it looked liek a beaver or a woodchuck or something. I don't even know. It was so weird. And then..."

Bennett cut in saying hello to them. But Jonah kept telling his story and Rainie kept listening. She was making a horrified face. Not saying anything. Just staring at Jonah. "It was in_sane_." Jonah finished.

Rainie was sitting diagonal to me. She exchanged a look with me because Paul and Bennett were talking about something. I smiled laughing a little. Becky looked at Jonah. "You need to lay off these five-hour-energy shots." She said steadily.

He laughed at Becky. "They're not bad for you." He said. "Truckdrivers take them all the time."

"Are you a truckdriver?" Sean asked leaning towards Jonah.

"No."

"Then why do you use them?"

Rainie laughed. Jonah didn't answer. He kept tapping his fingers.

The waitress came over asking Rainie and Paul if they wanted coffee and refilling the rest of our cups. When she was gone, Jonah looked at Bennett excitedly. "Did I tell You!" He said loudly.

"No, what?" Bennett was humoring Jonah. It was like he was drunk but he wasn't.

"Saves The Day is coming in a few weeks." He put his hand in the air. "We're going."

Bennett gave him a high-five. Then Jonah turned to me, I gave him a high-five too. He hadn't forgotten my Saves the Day shirt.

"Who are they touring with?" Paul asked.

Jonah paused for a few seconds. The only time he stopped moving. His eyebrows went down. We waited. He was thinking hard. "I don't remember." He said finally.

Rainie put her hand in front of her mouth laughing silently. I was smilign a little too. Trying not to.

* * *

We just kept gettign coffee. Jonah going out and smoking every twenty minutes. Sean and Becky going with him sometimes. I didn't know Becky smoked, but I wasn't surprised when she did. Rainie moved over one chair so she was across from me. "I like your hair." She said. "When did you dye it?"

"Last Friday," I said.

"It looks so good." She said smiling. She was so nice. She looked over at Paul. The empty seat beside her was bothering her a little. She pulled him over a seat. Bennett had been talking, but Paul didn't break the conversation. He just moved over next to her. She turned back to me. "Your friend, the one who had the orange hair, is her hair red now?"

"Yes," I said nodding.

"Yeah, I saw her with that kid you and her were with when you were shopping. I thought it was her." She said, her eyebrows down a little. She moved her hands around her coffeemug. Her wrists were so thin and boney. "Are they dating?"

"No," I shook my head smilign a little. "You'd tihnk that, but they just hang out a lot because he's straightedge and the kids he hangs around with aren't, so whenever he isn't hanging out with them him and Cass hang out."

"Really?" She said her eyes widening a little. "Gosh, I thought they were going out for sure. But I don't know much about relationships. My best friend though, she can tell everytihng about someone's relationship in a flash."

I nodded listening. Paul and Bennett weren't even paying attention to this conversation. _But I don't know much about relationships._ She was Rainie Joseph. In love. Hearing those words coming out of her mouth was the opposite of what you'd expect.

"She's never had a relationship last more than two months." She said. I sipped my coffee. "My longest relationship before Paul, was three months, so I wasn't any better."

"Wait what?" Paul said suddenly.

"Nothing," Rainie said looking at him smiling. "Me and Elisa are just talking."

Bennett looked at me. "What are you talking about?" He asked me in a really quiet voice.

"Nothing," I said smiling at him a little.

Paul sighed rolling his eyes. Rainie kissed him cheek. "You're so self-concious." She said to him.

"No, I'm not," He said under his breathe.

She looked at me and Bennett. "He's really insecure about himself." She said.

Paul sighed again, Bennett laughed a little. I looked at Paul. His was covering his face with his hands like someone who are irritated and on the edge annoyed always do. She laughed at him. "I'm just joshing you." She said.

"_Joshing_ you?" Bennett asked Rainie. "Who says that?"

"She does." Paul said. "Every fucking chance she has to."

Rainie sipped her coffee. Not saying anything. Her and Paul were cute. Even when she was annoying him he never yelled at her or got into a fight with her. I remembered im talking loudly into the phone fighting with her. It's impossible seeing that happen now.

Jonah came back in alone this time. "Becky's dad wanted her home. So Sean's driving her. I odn't know if he's coming back." Jonah said sliding in to the seat beside Rainie. He looekd tired. The energy shot was wearing off. The difference between Jonah now and a few minutes ago was amazing. His eyes were tired. Sagging. He was crashing.

"You look tired." Rainie nudged him.

He stared at her numbly. "Where's my coffee?" He asked.

She pushed it towards him. He drank it down. Hoping it would keep him awake. But in a few minutes he was laying his head in his arms on the table. Blinking. And looking at us silently.

"Is he okay?" Paul asked.

"He's dying," Rainie said laughing.

"I'm fine," Jonah mumbled. He closed his eyes fighting to keep them open. He turned his face up. Resting his chin on his folded arms. He looked at me. "Hi, Elisa." He said.

I smiled a little. "Hi," I said.

"I don't look like I'm dying, huh?" He was overtired. He had no idea what he was saying. It was like he was a drugs. Rainie was smiling looking at him. Bennett was laughing quietly.

"Nah," I said.

"Mmhmm." And he rested his head back where it was. "I told you so." In two minutes he was out.

"That's why those tihngs never work." Paul said. "You just crash when they wear off."

"Awww," Rainie said. "He's gone."

"He always does that." Bennett said. We were all starign at him. "Him and Sean started it in middle school. Taking energy shots and shit. Staying up all night. It's stupid."

"Does Sean still do it?" I asked him.

"No," He said shaking his head.

"How's he going to drive home?" Paul asked smiling, laughing a little.

Bennett sighed. "Let's let him get some sleep. We'll wake him up when we are leaving."

* * *

They ended up not waiting till when we were leaving. Bennett called Sean and he came to drive Jonah home since Jonah had actually walked here. They were heaving Jonah outside who was delirious and overtired. Rainie was just watching Paul. I figured I could start conversation.

"How long have you and Paul been together?" I had been curious.

"Nine months," She said, turning back to me. She dipped a spoon into her coffee spinning it around in it. I tried to come up with the least generic response I would to this. But all I could come up with was Wow. "It's weird. We've broken up twice, and somehow we always end up back together. Even if we broke up at the end of the summer and went to different colleges something tells me we'd end up back together. Right at the beginning."

I nodded. There was nothing to say. She kept spinning her spoon in her coffee. Staring at the light brown color as it made a hurricane shape of cream. She was just talking. Not to me. To whoever was listening. Which was coincidentally me. "How did you meet?" I heard myself asking.

She msiled a little looking up finally. Releasing her spoon which spun halfways around without her guidance. "We met at this party, I was set up with his friend and I don't know I got Paul's phone number because we sort of clicked. But," She sighed. "I started hooking up with Sean at parties and we were going to go out instead of me and Paul. Somehow me and Paul kept running into each other and the next thing I know I'm sitting outside of a gas station with him and he asked me out." She smiled a little. Laughing at herself. "It sounds like a cheeseball love story huh?"

I smiled a little. "Yeah," I said. "But isn't that a good thing?"

She looked at me liek I had said something she never thought of. "You're right." She said smiling still. She looked off into nowhere. "I don't know. We're so weird together. We always just fit."

I smiled. Looking down at my cold coffee.

"What about you and Bennett?" She asked. "I was always wondering how you guys met."

I looked up surprised a little. Rainie Joseph wanted to hear how I met Bennett. She didn't know. "We were put together in a group and we started talking about music because I was wearign a band t-shirt he knew." She leaned in interested. "And I don't know, I was at theis party with my boyfriend and I went outside to get osme air and he was there. It was the night Paul punched him, and he told me what happened. And we sort of became friends."

"Wait," She said her face serious. "The night Paul and I got back together?"

I nodded.

"That's so weird." She said. "Sorry I interrupted you."

I didn't plan on going on any further. But for some reason I did. "My boyfriend cheated on me, and I don't know for some reason I went to Bennett. And we talked that night. And he walked me home, and we kissed under a streetlight-"

"The ngiht I put in a good word for him to you?" She asked excitedly.

"Yeah," I said smiling.

She smiled. "God, I felt so guilty about that. I was so happy when you and Bennett started going out, but really? That night you guys figured out you liked each other?"

"I guess so," I said. "Yeah."

She smiled. "Aww, that's so perfect." She said. "Because a few days earlier I went into him and Paul's work and I was talking to him and asking him what was new and just teasing him because I got him to admit he liked someone. And he told me your name. I don't know, I jsut knew it was you that Friday." She was smiling. "That's so perfect. So me and Paul kind of helped you guys find eahc other?"

I smiled. "Yeah," I said.

She sat back a little. Paul and Bennett were walking by the window up front. She sighed. "I really love him though," She said. "I feel so empty when he isn't with me." And I had thought it was the other way around.

* * *

We left at four in the morning. Everytihng Rainie had said to me was still fresh in my head. Paul and Bennett were jsut relieved they had called Sean to get Jonah home when they did. We said goodbye. Rainie walking away. Finding Paul's hand with hers. They were perfect. Everything they've been through. They loved each other. I envied Rainie even more now.

Bennett moved his arms around my waist. It was still so dark out. He kissed me. "Did you have a good night?" He asked.

"Yes," I said queitly looking at him.

"Do you need me to drive you home now?" He asked.

"It's four in the morning," I said. "I don't think my mother cares how late I stay out tonight."

He kissed my forehead. And wove his fingers in to mine and we drove to Cherry street disapearing behind a red door. We didn't go upstairs. We stayed downstairs. We sat on the couch. We cuddled together under the same blanket and we went through the channels. He found a movie he liked. It was a Christmas movie, and he admited to me when he put it on that it was one of his favorite cheesy movies.

And we watched it until I accidentally gave up on him. And fell asleep. My face buried agaisnt his chest. And his arms around me. Holding me close.

I woke up to a paid programming special on this special Express Cooker. I felt his chest rising and falling underneath me. It was seven in the morning. Twelve hours ago our night began. And I ended up here. It had been one night. The new year was here. I tipped my chin up and kissed his neck softly.

He woke up a few moments later. Not sure of why he was. He stretched his shoulders with my laying on top of him. Not disturbing me. And he kissed the top of my head.

If there was a better beginning to any day, year, or morning it wouldn't be much better than this.

He walked me home. The sky was a sunny type of dawn. The sun rising and everything was waking up. The sky was a sunny watercolor rainbow painted from the horizon to as faar as we coudl look up. His hand was in mine and we walked the sidewalks nobody knowing us. And nobody in this world mattering except for each other. He left me in the middle of my front lawn. His eyes closing as he held me for a few seconds.

I walked inside. Shutting the door but keeping this image of him. Tired, and happy standing in the snowy front lawn I used to build snowmen on. He made my heart pick up speed. Racing in my chest faster than I could ever measure.

My house was queit. Empty and silent. I missed him already.


	49. Chapter 49

Chapter 49

I walked into the kitchen. Scribbling down a note on the counter. 'With Cass, be back soon - Elisa.' My mother didn't seem to be home. Maybe she was asleep still. I came in after her I know. So I figured she was upstairs asleep in her bed. I went into the fridge and poured myself a glass of apple juice. It had barely been opened. One glass I had had last week before going to work. I was sick of coffee by now. I couldn't drink it anymore.

It was almost noon. I looked around our stainless steel kitchen. Seeing my reflection faintly in the refridgerator. It was smudged and faded. I could see my hair dark brown out of everything.

"Elisa?"

I turned. My mother was dressed the same way she had when she left for her work party. She had an empty wine-glass in her hand and her hair was a mess. She had obviously slipped into the house last night and just gone to bed with a quick glass of wine. She was staring at me though. I was a stranger to her. I wasn't her daughter.

"Goodmorning," I said forcing a smile. I put my glass in our sink. Leaving it there when I once would mecanically put it in our dishwasher. "I'm going to hang out with Cass, is that okay?"

My mother was just staring at me. Worse than the people I never knew who would look at me funny. She was looking at my hair. "What happened to your hair?" She asked finally. Her sentence slow. Choppy.

"I dyed it." I said. "Me and Cass did." My voice lost volume drastically.

"You didn't even tell me." She said. She was saying this more for her I think. "Elisa, what's gotten in to you lately? Is it because of Dave cheating on you? I don't even know who you are anymore."

There is always this image in my head of Amber. When my dad left we all stood on the front steps watching him drive away. I looked up at my sister. My mother already turning around and going inside preparing to start her day right where she left off. As if my father leaving was an interruption. And I saw Amber, her eyes just like marbles. Glass and see through. And her mouth a thin line. Seeing someone she loved leaving her behind. I looked at my mother. I never realized how much they looked alike. It was like reliving that moment looking at Amber all over again. Except it was my mother.

"I don't care about Dave anymore." I said quietly. "I'm over him. I've been over him." I swallowed. My eyes were stinging. Not here. I wasn't going to start crying right now. I wasn't going to.

My mother stared at me still. "Why did you stop telling me anything?"

I swallowed. "I didn't want you to know I broke up with Dave because he cheated on me. I don't know why. But with my job and Bennett I just didn't know how you'd handle it."

She nodded. "Do you really like this boy, Bennett?"

I nodded. I felt a smile coming up. "Yes," I said.

"Is he a good kid?" She asked.

I nodded again.

"I don't want to keep being cut out of your life." She said. "I love you. And I never want you to think I don't. I'd like to meet him." I looked at her. She meant this. "Just don't keep trying things liek dying your hair and getting secret jobs and breaking up with your boyfriends behind my bacl. It's hard keeping up anyway."

I smiled a little. "Okay."

The conversation ended there. My mother went over opening the dishwasher and putting her wineglass into the top rack followed by my applejuice glass. "Your hair though," She caught me as I started to walk out. "It looks nice."

I smiled. "Thank you," I said.

And we left the kitchen. The way it was. The silence eating away at the words that had hung in the air for those short moments. And it was like we had never been there. I never wanted to cut my mother out, but she had hated Amber so much when she was like this. She had even hated me. But now I was a new person. Or the beginning of one at least. I drove to Cass' thinking about this. I don't think I was going to be in a hurry to introduce Bennett to my mother. I don't know how she would feel about him.

I went into Cass' house. Her mother sending me into the basement. Her and Miles were talking. The TV on mute. "Hi," I said walking in to the room.

"Hey," They both said. "How was your New Years?" Cass asked me smiling.

"Good," I said. "How was yours?"

She sighed. "We left the party, but we heard the cops showed up a little while later. My mom made me come home to watch the ball drop."

"The times square thing is so overrated." Miles grumbled.

"Miles stayed and watched it too." Cass said. "Complained the whoel time." She was smiling though.

I remembered Rainie talking about how she swore Miles and Cass were dating. I could see it. I knew it would never happen but I saw what she meant. "I went to the IHOP with Bennett and we were there until four in the morning. I talked to Rainie a lot." I sat down on the couch perpendicular to the one Miels and Cass were on.

"Really?" Cass said. "Are you guys good friends now or what?"

"No," I said. "We were just talking about Paul and Bennett." I looekd at the television. "Hey, Full House is on."

Miles looked up suddenly. He's a cucker for this show. He hits the unmute button before Cass can put another word in. She jumps inseatd to the sudden burst of sound. The volume had been cranked up. She reaches over Miles grabbing the clicker quickly and turnign the volume down ten notches. "God," She said. "Why was it so loud?"

Miles takes the clicker back not even noticing. I slide my shoes off and put my feeto n the couch. Pulling my knees tight agaisnt my chest. Twenty years from now, I see Miles and Cass married with a family and everything. It's weird. I just never amitted it before.

* * *

**A/N:** **Short. Bennett-less. *sigh***_ I haven't been busy much. I've just been writing. A lot of notes and stuff for my next project ("Leaving Through The Window"). I'll finish this up though. I think I've got another twenty or more chapters :\ I'm sorry this is so long and dragged out. It'll be done in a flash though. I'm dying to write this one part._** Thank you for all of the reviews and everything. I'll update as much as I can this week. **


	50. Chapter 50

Chapter 50

It was snowing. Halfway to February and it was snowing hard. I had been looking out the window, but he finally settled down pulling me against him. I head rested agaisnt his chest. He had put on this movie. "This is another cheesy one." He warned me.

"I like cheesy ones." I said.

"Me too," He said in a goofy voice. I laughed a little, he kisses my forehead and we started watching. The movie starting. We watch movies a lot. When we are bored or just sitting in his living room or mine he'll find one. He's seen so many. And as expected as it is to me, he loves cheesy love movies. But I don't know if anyone else would think that. If someone drops really sweet e. e. cumming poems in your locker I think you'd guess they are a romanticist of sorts.

I told him about my mother. I told him everytihng. He was the first person I told. Cass was right after but somehow Bennett was the first person I wanted to talk about it with. He wants to meet my mother. Making his visits to my house during the day more frequent. When my mother isn't home at night he'll always end up here though. It'll be the fourth time this weekend he'll have stayed overnight with me. We don't do anything really. We usually talk ourselves to sleep. I care about him a lot. But he never tries to go further than hooking up or below the waist. And I'm fine with that. I don't know if I want to sleep with him anyway.

We've been hanging around with Rainie and Paul a lot. When he's working I'll show up and Rainie will to when Bennett and Paul are working the same shift. We'll go to the food court and sit and talk. Bennett and PAul are becomign really good friends. We hung out with them at this show we went to a few towns over. But I think when they look at the four of us they mix it up a little. When people look at us quickly, they probably think Rainei and Bennett are the ones who are in love.

As impossible that's what they probably think.

But once you look at Paul and Rainie together, I don't think you could ever rethink who out of us are in love. You can tell they love each other from across the room. Strangers must be able to tell too. And something tells me that Bennett envies them of that the same way I do.

There are moments though, when Bennett and I will just be together alone, when I feel like anything can happen. It could happen when we're watching cheesy movie, or when he's asleep beside me. I never know when but I just look at him and my heart starts singing and I just feel like I could do anything. I believe in everything. And that's one of the greatest feelings I've ever felt.

In school, girls hate me still. I don't think it helped when I told Dave I had cheated on him too. When people look at me now they probably only see that person. Thinking how could I do that to Dave Mandeville. One of the most popular kids in school. I cheated on him. With who? That was an easy guess for everyone. When I'm with Bennett people stop staring at me alone. They stare at both of us. Which I don't even notice. Because when I'm with him it's all that matters.

There are parts of your past you can never let go of. Whenever I see Dave, he just looks at me. What Ifs written thick across his forehead as they run through his mind. But I'm happy I stood up to him finally. Cutting off a loose end left hanging there too long. If he never speaks to me again, it would be something I expected.

* * *

The credits started rolling. I started to get off of him, but he sat up with me. Pressing his lips agaisnt mine. And moving his hands to my neck. I smile against his lips. And he moves back a little. His hands moving to hold my face. "One month and a half." He said.

"No," I said smiling. "Two."

"Ah, but those two weeks when we were a secret don't count I don't think."

I smile kissing him. He kisses me back. The music to the movie credits are annoying. But somehow they don't play as loud. He smiles, his forehead leaned agaisnt mine. He kisses the corner of my mouth. "Fine two months." He said.

I start kissing him again. I could have kissed him for forever, but I heard my mother's car pull into the driveway. Ice cracking underneath her tires. I pull back, my eyes widening. "Shit," I said.

"It's your mom, huh?" He asks. I get off of him. Moving so we were sitting far apart. My mother's car door slams. And before I know it, Bennett has pushed the blanket we had been using where he once sat and is moving next to me. His arm around me. Changing the channel.

"Yep,"

My mother opens the front door. Hearing the TV. Something she probably hasn't heard since Amber visited. But Amber's at school. Making the living room the first stop on her route to her office. I think my mother expected a short, dorky kid with blonde spikey hair and a football t-shirt. Even though Bennett is a fan of football I don't think I'd ever find him in his football jersey for the Chicago Bears in public.

"Hello," My mother said. Sounding fake, and hollow to me.

I stand up quietly, Bennett standing too. I watch him as he politely tries to ignore my mother's face. She wasn't supposed to be home yet. She must have come home early or something. But after a few seconds of shock leaving her eyes, she shakes Bennett's hand and they meet without me saying much of a word. I jsut anticipate my mother's questions later about why Bennett's jeans look girlier than mine and why he's so tall and different from Dave. Why he dresses so funny.

"It was nice to meet you." My mother says quickly. The awkwardness in the room is overwhelming to me.

"Nice meeting you too." He says back.

My mtoher walks out of the room waving. Sometimes I understand why kids hate their parents right after they do something awkward or unneccessary. I'm saying I never wanted her to meet Bennett. It's just I didn't want it to be now. It's too soon. I have met his mother. But mine if nothing like his. We sit back down.

"I'm sorry about that." I say quietly to him.

He kisses my forehead. "It's okay." He puts and arm around me. "It was fine."

The way he said that made me believe him. I smiled a little at him kissing him. Dave had loved my mother because my mother had loved him back. Bennett doesn't even seem to care that my mother will msot likely question the tighness of his jeans. He jsut turned back ot the television, and we watched a little bit more before he left. Promising to call me at eight. Even tohugh it was a school night, I had a feelign we wouldn't get of the phone until midnight or later.

Shutting the door behind him, I listened to my mothers's fingers hitting her computer keyboard at great speed. The sound showing no signs of her stopping soon. She wasn't going to come to me and comment on my choice of a boyfriend. She let it go. A good sign Amber will tell me in an e-mail after I told her. And right at that moment, it was a relief.

* * *

**A/N:** _My Jack's Mannequin obsession lately may/may not result in a few chapter added to "Leaving Through the Window" but my Death Cab For Cutie one is definatly helping me with this._ **Things will be getting interesting soon I promise. Predictions to what's coming up. Hint: it has to do with a band.**

_PS. 50 Chapters and 10,000 words more than "Perfect Kisses" Must I say it? Oooof._


	51. Chapter 51

Chapter 51

I was on my computer. There was a new blog on Sunday Drive's MySpace I hadn't read yet, so when I clicked it. I was looking for the dates to their next tour to be announced. Bennett and I were going to get tickets hopefully. But I just kept reading my eyes moving slowly. Naive and innocent.

There were footsteps coming upstairs. I had yelled for him to come up. I was rereading. I wasn't going to get interrupted my fifth time through. He poked his head in the door. "Hey," He said. "What's up?"

I looked at him. "Did you check MySpace today?" I asked.

"No," He stepped inside. Shutting the door letting it bounce off of the frame. It remained frozen a slit open. I pushed back in my computer chair. Rereading the last words of the blog over again. "What?"

"Sunday Drive is breaking up." I said.

I'm not sure if anyone can understand. Once your a Sunday Drive fan your one for life. Bennett was probably the only person I know who feels the same way I do about them. I lived for their music a year ago. And now, nothing much has changed. I listen to The Get Up Kids more and Death Cab For Cutie, but my favorite band has always been Sunday Drive. _It's been a great 11 years, everybody, you've made this worth-wild. _And Bennett and I were both silent. He leaned against my desk. We didn't say much of anything. I think it was still sinking in for him. And we both sort of just looked at each other like we heard he was moving to Alaska where he wasn't going to ever see me or talk to me again. And although that last comparison was a little extreme, it felt like it fit perfectly for that moment.

* * *

We nearly forgot about Saves the Day. We were going to that show tonight. Neither of us seemed in the mood. In his car flipping through the CDs in his glove compartment I kept coming across Sunday Drive records. I thought of how this was all we'd have to lsiten to for the rest of our lives. To put it best we both felt pretty "emo" that night.

But we played _Stay What You Are_ and Death Cab For Cutie's _Plans_ trying to get into a better mood than we could. We made it up to "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" on _Plans._

He didn't shut the car off. He looked at me. His hand reaching over touching mine. He kissed me. This song had never appeared on the mixtapes he left in my locker or in conversations at all about Ben Gibbard or heart-melting songs. "This always makes me think about you, no matter what." And the thing that made me happier was when I looked into his sweet soft brown eyes I knew he was thinking this.

We walked along the line ofr a few minutes before we heard Jonah calling us. We both walked over and joing him and the kids he was with in line. The younger boy Chase was there. And since none of them liked Sunday Drive they never seemed to care when Bennett announced they were breaking up.

It was Rainie I think that took it a little harder on the outside. I saw her and she waved coming over to us. Paul somehow detached from her. But not quite because I doubt he could ever be _completely_ detached. "Hi," She said grinning. "What's new?"

"Did you hear yet?" Bennett asked. I never remembered Rainie being a Sunday Drive fan. But I figured if Paul was she was.

"I'm not sure, what?" She asked. Her face got serious.

"Sunday Drive is breaking up." Bennett said. "This next tour is their last."

Her face went blank. And she just stared at Bennett. And then looked at me. A check to see if Bennett wasn't screwing with her. And then she turned. Walking probably to Paul wherever he was. We knew she found him because in the building they found us again and Rainie looked really sad and broken up about it. But Paul was normal asking me and Bennett about it. Sicne I had the blog memorized I nearly recited the whole paragraph about their breaking up and how sorry they were to us, the fans.

Rainie was just kind of blank about it. She just sort of listened. Very unlike her. She didn't give Paul a hard time about anything. She was just mellow and soft. She reminded me of myself. But when the show was starting. I saw her just move into Paul's arms. They didn't really care about this openin band. And he just held her. And they must have been talking over the loud awful sound system. They must have heard each other.

* * *

Jonah had been insane after the show. The kids he came with crammed him into the way backsat because he was out of control. Everyone agreeing he had ADHD or sometihng that made him like this. But Jonah makes everything fun. Even at a funeral he would make the corwd all crack a smile.

He stuck his head out of the back window when they drove by. He held a hand out for high fives. Bennett then me. Rainie and Paul had already left. And Bennett and I just smiled walking together as Jonah yelled sometihng at us. Someone pulled him back into the car and shut the window.

Like I said Jonah makes everything funner.

Bennett wove his fingers in to mine. "That was a good show." He said. "They played 'Nightingale' did you notice?" I couldn't not. He pulled me close to him. Holding me through the whole song. Kissing my temple.

"Yes," I said.

And then we both walked. Holding hands to his car where he let go to walk over to the driver's side. We both climbed in. And by the time he was turning on to the highway, I had finally made up my mind. I put on a Sunday Drive record because we always play them whenever we are driving in his car. We didn't say anything about the band.

"Did you see Rainie?" I asked. "She reminded me of how I was all night."

He nodded. "I know," He said nodding. "When her and Paul weren't that serious she bought him some vinyls and one of them was a Sunday Drive one, so I think there's something in between them about Sunday Drive. I hate seeing her like that."

"Is that what she was like when her and Paul broke up?" I knew that was a touchy subject for Bennett. Especially with me, I think of all people.

He paused thinking. "Yeah," He said. "But she was jsut really screwed up. She used to tell me everything. She'd just go on and on about him for like hours. But that was only when she was smashed. I don't know, it was just really hard seeing her like that. Just completely not herself."

"Paul was really good about it." I said.

"He always knew what to do when she was liek that." Bennett said. "But I understand why now."

I didn't ask him why. I figured it was something Paul told him or the period of time him and Rainie were really close. So I sat back silently the record filling the car. The emptiness that never quite took form in the backseat. And the silence was swallowed up. It was perfect and calm. Everything was where it should be.

Listening to that record was like listening to a huge component of my life just ending. We made it to Kerringtong before we said another word. We paused right where he could turn going over towards Cherry or down my street. I looked at him and smiled a little. He turned left. And we ended up behind a red door.

Tonight we felt talked out. Our ears hurt form the bad sound at the hsow no matter how incredible Saves the Day was. And in the dark he found my face and just kissed me. His lips soft. And we just started kissing. It was like going back in time. When he was Bennett Williams and I was Elisa Simmons dating that kid Dave Mandeville. Except everything was so different. In the dark and the quiet. He kissed me softer and more surely than that night.

Everything was softer and more confident tonight. We did everything from the waist up like we had and never done since. And when he held me, it was softer. He was holding me close to him. Not showing how he wasn't letting go, but I always knew he never would. And I listened to the most reliable sound in the universe. His heartbeat.


	52. Chapter 52

Chapter 52

"Alright," Bennett said when I let him in. "So, I oreder the presale tickets, and whatever you're doing on March 19, screw it. We're going." I knew exactly what he was talking about. The Sunday Drive concert. I was so happy we were going.

I smiled. And kissed him. I shut my black door behind him. My mother was still away. Which meant I had the house all weekend to myself. "Okay," I said. He kissed me again. Holding me close to him. And we were just kissing in the front hallway of my house. "What do you want to do?" I said against his lips.

"This," He said. He kept kissing me. And we were jsut kissing standing close together like we were frozen in the middle of a slow dance. His arms were around me and my hands were in his hair. He was so thin, my arms cold fit around him with enough space that I could hold two of him at once. He was as wide as I was. And even if he was so much taller than me, we still managed to kiss with certain grace to it.

He finally let go of me. Taking off his sweatshirt and we went out ot my living room. I sat down at first with my feet up on the couch. He sat normally. I handed him the clicker. We were staying in because it was supposed to snow tonight. And he put on a movie I knew he had seen a million times before to a point he hated it. I had brought it up because it played this really good song in it and he had announced he hated it with all of his being.

Twenty minutes later he kissed me. I kissed him back. "I don't liek this movie," He said.

"I know," I said. Smiling. He kissed me again. And we just started kissing. Ignoring the movie entirely.

* * *

He was looking at my CD collection. Looking through for one to put on. He had one but he stopped. "You know, i'm surpirsed you haven't asked me where the key to this is?"

I looked at him. He was looking at the box he had given to me. "Am I supposed to?" I asked smiling.

"No," He said. "But I figured you would."

"I won't then." I said.

He smiled a little. "You're no fun." He put the CD into my stereo.

"Do you want me to?" I asked smiling at him a little wider.

"_Well_," He said. "Since you asked. I have it."

"Cool," I said nodding. He turned the stereo up a little. It was Jimmy Eat World. He turned around walking over to my couch sitting down. I think he was strating to tell me more baout the key but I changed the subject. He smiled noticing this. "Are you playing any parties this week?"

"I'm actually playing the Chruch downtown." He said. "since Paul's old band officially broke up, they asked me to play it instead."

"Are you excited?" I said smiling.

He leaned back. His face serious. He just shrugged. "I don't know." He said. "I'm sort of sick of this one-man-show thing. I'd rather be in a band or something actually. But I don't know who to talk to about starting one up. Sean hated being in an band, plus he's pissed at me because I've been hanging out with Paul."

"Why is he mad?"

Bennett smiled a little. "Sean is just a little immature about some things." He said. "He'll get over it."

I nodded. He leaned forward though. Sitting on the edge of the couch. He took my hands. There was no real reason for this. But he made me get butterflies. He looked at me. His eyes so sweet and brown. He pushed my bangs out of my face. "Doesn't it feel like we've been together somuch longer than we have?" He asked after a minute or two.

"Yes," I said.

He leaned in and kissed me. I closed my eyes. Kissing him back. Jimmy Eat World's "For Me This Is Heaven" blasting in the background. The world was all but silent.


	53. Chapter 53

Chapter 53

My phone rang. "Sorry," I said to him. I got up. We had just been kissing. Nothing big or anything like that. I picked up my phone, seeing it was Cass. "Hello?"

I waited. "Hey, Elisa are you busy right now?" She asked.

I didn't look at Bennett. "A little," I said.

"I hooked up with Miles." She said. I didn't want ot get into it. Knowing Bennett was right behind me. Listening ot everything I was saying. He never seemed to mind though. This hasn't ever happened before but I could never see him mad about something like this. Or anythign at all really.

"Cass, I have to go but," I took in a breathe. "Is this a good thing or a bag thing?"

"Elisa, I have a boyfriend!"

I smiled. "That's so good." I don't see how this could be a bad thing at all. She sounded so happy over the phone saying that her and Miles were together. "I'll call you when I can."

"Yeah," She said. "You better, I have to tell you the story!"

I smiled. "Okay, talk to you later."

"Goodbye." She said this in a singsong voice. This wasn't that shocking for me. That Cass and Miles finally got together. It was anticipated above all things. I hung up the phone leaving it where I found it.

Bennett was smiling goofily. "Okay," He said. "Come on." He leaned back on his palms. "Tell me some juicy gossip."

I laughed rolling my eyes, laughing a little walking over to him. He moved his arms arounf my waist. Locking them there. Pulling me closer to him. "Come on," He said smiling. "You're dying to tell my, I know it."

I sighed. "Cass and Miles are dating now." I said.

"Really?" His eyes widening. "Is this big news?" He said enthusiastically.

"_Huge _news." I said msiling. Trying not to laugh. "It was anticiapted for a while now."

"So we have some more competition?" He asked. "I think we've already gotten Rainie and Paul in the bag. They won't be too much to handle for us."

"I barely think we have Rainie and Paul in the bag." I said laughing.

"Oh really?" He asked. He was smiling. He pulled me down on top of him. His lips nuzzling my neck. It sound awkward but it really wasn't. It tickled. I laughed quietly. His lips moved up to mine. He kissed me. I kissed him back. My stomach started to fill with butterflies.

There were footsteps coming upstairs. That's when I jumped up. We both did. I got off of him. The footsteps were slow. It had to be my mother. Hearing my music playing coming ot see if I was home. She'd never walked in on me and a boy in my room/ Not even Dave. I moved away form him. In fact he was good about it. I went over to my computer leaning agaisnst it. "Elisa?"

It was Amber. Of all people. It was snowing hard.

"Amber?"

Bennett was looking at the door. Not even nervous ot anything. just sitting on the edge of my bed. Amber poked her head in. "Hey," She siad looking at me. Then she saw Bennett. "Oh, hi."

"Hello," He said msiling.

"Hey," I said. She opened the door making it a ltitle less awkward than just having Amber the floating head in my room. "Bennett, this is my sister Amber."

He smiled. "It's nice to meet you." He said.

She was msiling polite and honest too. "It's really nice to meet you, too." She was smilign looking at him. And then to me. "Mom told me to stop by and check things out. I was at Cherry's house but she made me come home. Make sure you were here. Oh, and i'm staying her for the weekend."

"Oh," I said nodding. "Cool."

"So, uh, yeah." Amber said. "I'm going back. I didn't see your car-"

"It's in the garage." I said.

"That's why." This was gettign awkward. "So, I'll see you later then."

"Yeah," I said. "Bye."

"I liek your hair," She said smilign at me. And then she walked out. We both waited sielntly listening to her go downstairs. The front door open and slam. Her car starting. She didn't pull away. A few seconds after she did I got a text message: _he's cute sorry for interrupting ;)_

She was my sister. This was a natural one. Bennett looked at me raising his eyebrows smiling. "Two interruptions in twenty minutes. Wow, you're famous or what?"

I sighed. I went over chaning the CD. I was putting on a Get Up Kids record. But I felt his hands slide around my waist. "Do you still think we're not beating Rainie and Paul?"

"Yes," I said smiling laughing a little.

He was joking I knew it. I felt him smiling into my neck. "I'll convince you sooner or later." He said kissing my neck. "I like your sister though, it got a little awkward I have to say."

"It did." I hit play turning it up a little.

"_Eudora_? Huh, you like these Get Up Kids now."

"I do." I said.

He kissed my neck. "I still can't believe you haven't read _The Outsiders_."

* * *

That night he didn't stay over. Amber came home. And he left. He usually jsut comes and we talk ourselves to sleep. And he leaves beofre my mother or his gets home. But he went home ot his empty house around ten. I went up to my room. A few mintues later Amber came in.

"I have to say," She said. "You've been shockign me a lot lately Lise."

I looked up at her. "What do you mean?" I was switching the batteries of my CD player. The little portable one.

"First, you dump that kid and move one really quickly-"

"Do you want to know the whole story?" I asked smiling a little. It was Amber. "After I found out Dave cheated on me, I sort of cheated on him... with Bennett." Her face grew really shocked. A smile still lingering at the cornder of her mouth. "It was for the right reasons though. I liked Bennett not Dave."

"Second, you cheat _on_ your boyfriend with another boy. Third, you and mom start fighting and mom comes to me ranting about your little wild phase. Fourth, you dye your hair- it looks really good though. Fifth, I come home finding you and your boyfriend alone in your bedroom when mom's gone. God, it's like your me."

I laughed. "I could never amount ot the stuff you did."

"Bennett's goodlooking." She leaned agaisnt my bureau. "He's nice too."

"Yeah," I said. "He is."

"I'm sorry I made everythign so awkward though." She said. "God, was it really weird after I came in."

I shook my head. "No," I said.

Amber msiled at me. "Bennett was the kid we saw walking home and you would onyl tell me his name, right?"

I didn't remember at first. Then I remembered driving in her jeep. His eyes locked with mine. "Yeah," I said. I wedged the last battery in. Putting the back on it.

"Mom sent me an email saying he was weird." Amebr said laughign a little. I looked up laughign a little too. "How he wore girl's jeans and how he was really skinny and everytihng. I think he's cute though."

"Me too." I said smiling.

"You've changed a lot though." Amber said gettign a little serious. She was msilign at me though. "Before you were Ms. Perfect to me. You were really like a robot Elisa. But now, you're just_ real._ I feel bad that we're just getting to know each other."

"Me too," I said smiling.

Amber yawned. "I'm going to bed, kid." She said. "see you tomorrow." She walked by messing up my hair.

"'Night." I said smiling.

"I love your hair." She said. "You even look really different." Then she walked out. Going to her room. I shut my door quietly. My phone ringing when I did. I turned around walking over to it. Answering it.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hey," He said.

And I was up until three talkign to him on the phone. I wished he had never even left.

* * *

**A/N: I've been blocked recently. Cranking otu this chapter was a series of begging sessions between me and my parents who refused to let me finish this. But hah. They're asleep now. So I was really blocked so I wrote three possiblities for this chapter in my notes and I have tyo ay I liked that style. I always talk abotu my notes but this is the first time I had them next to me. **

**Rate this chapter scale of 1-10. 10 being fabtabulous. 1 being what the fuck woudl you waste my time with this. I swear it will get interesting soon.**


	54. Chapter 54

Chapter 54

Opening my locker on Monday I was not surprised when I found a copy of _The Outsiders_ in it. The neatest messy handwriting I loved was throughout the book. There were at least a dozen Get Up Kids references as I skimmed through the notes in the margins. I had to say I was excited to read this. He came up behind me as I studied the book. His hands looping around my waist.

"Hey," He said.

"Hey," I said. He let go of me leaning back agaisnt the lockers beside mine.

"What's that?" He asked. He looked at my book.

"This book," I said shrugging.

"That's cool." He said shrugging.

"Elisa!" Bennett and I both looekd into the direction of the bright red coming down the hallways in a blur. "God, what the fuck? You didn't call me." She was smiling. Beaming.

"Oh," I had compeltely forgotten. How that is possible I had no idea. But I did call I have that. She just didnt' answer. "I'm so sorry."

"Hi, Bennett!" Cass said smiling.

"Hey," He said smiling back. "I heard the news. Congratulations." He nodded at her.

"Thank you," She said. "at least one of the two of you are polite about it."

Bennett smiled. "Hah," He said looking at me.

I laughed. "I'm sorry." I said to Cass.

She sighed. "I'll tell you in homeroom then." She said. She went ot her locker. "Bennett, I heard you are playing the church."

"I am," He said. In fact a lot of people knew. As the day went on. there were a lot of kids asking him. Even askign me. Rachel asked me although I think she still holds a grudge agaisnt me for being Bennett's girlfriend. But now the whispers were rare. And I was more comfortable. Dave shrunk back. I saw him. He always walked down the halls with a ccertain confidence. Now when he passed me and Bennett he kept his head down. his eyes ot the floor. Like mean dog whose been kicked once or twice.

As mean as it was. It felt good seeing that. Although that's a really mean thing to sya especially since I thought I once loved the kid and he was now taking all of the hits one could get all at once. _Did you hear? Elisa Simmons- yeah Bennett Williams' girlfriend- yeah, she cheated on Dave with Bennett. Karma's a bitch huh?_ That was a lot to take especially now. With everyone accepting me as Bennett's girlfriend. Excpet fr the few sore girls who still glared at me.

I wasn't popular. I didn't want to be. But I got what I always wanted. I was there. In a room. I just wasn't the center of attention. I was just known. Which was not as overwhelming as it once was. I took it with strive.

I was happy tohugh.

Of all things. I was happy.

* * *

I was making coffee. Pouring and serving it. Kids knew my name without lookign at my nametag. They never said it but the way they looked at me, they seemed to just know. And when Bennett came in it was like Becky and Sean always were. He leaned across the counter and kissed me. Becky smiled teasing us. But I was happy.

That's all that seemed to stand out to me.

Five minutes before my break Miles walked in. He looked at me waving a little. Bennett had just stopped in before goign to work. His shift with Paul was today. He and Paul were almsot better friends than him and Sean.

"Hi," I said.

"Elisa, hey." He walked up. "Are you getting off in a little while?"

"Yeah," I said checkign the clock. "Why?"

"I want to talk ot you real quick," He said. "If you're busy, tell me, but I just wanted to talk to you real fast."

"Yeah, it's fine." I said.

"Cool," He said. He went over and sat at the window. Taking out his phone and playng with it while I finsihed up my shift.

Cass had told me the story. Her and Miles had been talking. In her basement. They were just talking. And Cass was talkign about some kid, one of Miles' friends who she thought liked her. And he was being really weird. Cass never talks about boys liking her. She never really ever cares. She never notices either. But they were jsut tlaking. She had had two drinks. And Miles was getting upset. Not really. I don't tihnk Miles ever really got upset. I have seen him cry, but who doesn't watching M_y Dog, Skip._ But then Cass asked him what was wrong. He just looekd at her. And then suddenly he kissed her. And that was it. Cass had pulled away. Looking at him. And he sais these really sweet things about how he knew you couldn't help falling for your best friend a little, if it was a boy-girl friendship. And that he had been trying not to for a while. But he tohught she was so perfect and sweet. And how pretty he thought she was. And how since she never liked any guys he kenw he would never get jealous. But he did. About one of his best guy friends. And how she just kissed him again. Realizing- although she never really thought about it, it wans't like kissing her brother. And then he asked her to be his girlfriend. Or to go on a date. A date I think, but Cass isn't sure she doesn't remember his words exactly. He was talking softly. And she just said yes. Adn they planned a date. So she figured it was more the date than the girlfriend one.

But here Miles was at my work. I sat down across from him.

"Did Cass tell you?" He asked looking up at me. Hoping she had so he wouldn't have to.

"Yes," I said with a nod.

He smiled. "She said yes." He said. I always had a feeling Miels liked Cass but now here he was. The way he smiled when he decoded poetry for me and Cass or told us about a love movie he watched and loved. "But," He looked out the window into the parking lot. Then looked at me. "Does she really like me? Or is she just trying to save our friendship."

"She really likes you." I said smiling.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"She told me."

He sat back. Relaxing a little. He had been tense. "I'm sorry I had to come to you about this." He said. "I wouldn't have, but I just didn't know and I was desperate."

I smiled. Miles is a chubby-ish kid. He isn't fat but he isn't a stick and he isn't muscular. Just wide and thick. He had long-ish emo hair. That's dark. And he wears glasses sometimes because they are more comfortable than contacts. But he's really cute. Little-chubby-kid cute. He's so smart though. "I mean with you and Bennett, I think she just started realizing how happy you were." He said lookign at me. "She used to be really worried about you and Dave, but now she's so happy for you. I think she wanted to be happy like you. And I think she was just looking for a boy to _see_ her."

I nodded listening.

"I'm sorry I bothered you." He said. "I jsut needed to know. She's just... really amazing. It seemed to good to be true."

I smiled nodding. "I know that feeling." I said. I remembered that first night with Bennett. It seemed liek it wasn't real that I was there. Kissing him and kissing me back. It felt like a year ago but it was only over two months ago. And I saw the distance.

"I won't hold you up." He said getting up. "But thanks, Elisa."

"You're welcome." I said smiling. "You know, I saw this happening.

He had started to turn. "You did?" He said turnig nback to look at me. "How?"

"If two kids fight like a married couple, are best friends and watch _Love Actually_ you sort of start to get the feeling they'll end up together. Especially in high school." I said smiling.

He smiled laughign at this. "Thanks again Elisa." He said.

We said goodbye again. I watched him walk away. To his car. Smiling. Miles had that smile plastered on his face. It was like he was reading a really happy book all over again. Me and Cass have watched him. Actually when we met him we did.

Back when we were fifteen. He was readign a happy book. And he was smiling like hell. Cass and I were watching him. "Hey!" Cass said. She kept saying it. He looekd up finally. "I'm Cass, what are you reading?"

"_Oh, The Places you'll Go_," He said. Like it was a no brainer.

"Dr. Suess?" Cass said casually right back.

"Yeah," He said.

"Aren't you a little old?"

"Well... you might not know it but, actually theres a lot more meaning behind his book than you might think..."

And now he was driving away. Dating my best friend. The one that had asked him if he was too old ofr Dr. Suess. Psh. Impossible we'd learn from him. But he was happy. And so was Cass. Everythign was falling right into place. The school year was ending. And I felt it aching horribly inside of me. I didn't want this year to end. It was only January. I shouldn't think about it.

So I pushed it out of my head. Getting into my own car, driving to this random place and leaving the heat on. I opened my book. My new one. And started reading. Bennett was right. _The Outsiders_ was a really good book.


	55. Chapter 55

Chapter 55

I got out of Miles' car. We were at the church. There were a ton of kids everywhere. A lot more kids than there had been on past Friday nights when I had driven by and there had been Paul's old band playing. I walked out. My feet in the slush in the parking lot. "Hey, Elisa." I saw Rainie waving ot me. Her hand in Paul's.

I waved. Paul waving back at me too. "Hey," I said. They kept walking. Miles and Cass walking together. Her hand in his too. He was so cute and big and in love with her it seemed. But it was hard thinking that having been around Rainie Joseph and Paul Spinella a lot. Which Bennett and I have a lot this week. When they're shifts crossed and when we went to IHOP. Rainie and Paul were moving in on our IHOP group.

"How many kids are here?" Cass asked. "Hey, Lise, that boyfriend of yours is pretty popular."

I rolled my eyes smiling. There had been a lot of buzz about tonight. In school. We walked in. I saw there was a microphone set up and an amp. Bennett had borrowed Jonah's electris-acoustic. Because this was a pretty big deal. A lot of kids were here. It was like an actual show. In fact it was I guess.

I saw him. He waved to me. I fought the crowd over to him. He kissed me. "Hey," He said.

"Hi," I said smiling. "You're quite the hit tonight."

He laughed. "Oh yeah," He said.

"Are you nervous about playing in front of all of these people?" I asked.

"Nah," He said. Moving his arms aroudn me. Kissing my forehead. "Just one."

"Bennett!"

I had my motuh open to ask why. He kissed my forehead. He took my hand and we moved along the edge of the crowd. People started to form aroung the microphone. He placed me right dead center. Nobody noticed me though. Jonah was sitting on his amp and we all waited. Bennett pulling his guitar over his shoulders.

People were everywhere. It got quiet suddenly. We all waited. He strummed a few chords. There were adults around. Kids. A lot of kids. Half the room was full. He started playing one of his own songs. The one he tried out for the Variety Show with originally. Singing to me. Of course. His eyes sweet and perfect. He was amazing.

A few songs later: "This is a new one." He said. And he didn't look at me. Playing pretty chords. Ones that were new to me. He looked at me. Leaning into the microphone. He started singing. And somehow he stole my heart all over again. The song was even more beautiful. And everyone loved it. Clapping louder at the ending than the other few. Everyone knew what it was about. but for me it never ended. It circulated through my. Shocking my body awake. My heart melting. My mind moving quickly. Absorbing each word. This was his heart. Sent out to me.

* * *

He played my two other songs. And a cover or two. And the room had a certain energy to it. Bennett Williams was an emo faggot no more to anyone I think. Who at least was there. He was an amazing singer. Musician. His musicx was emo- yes, but he was so honest and real. It was incredible.

I listened to him. Seeing his eyes on me. Sweet and brown.

The year was ending. A huge chapter of my life passing by quickly. I was a junior. He was a senior. That's what I thought about. Not that it mattered. But at the end of the summer he was gone. He was graduating. He was going to go to college. And I'd be stuck in high school for another year without him.

I swallowed that huge lump in my throat, but it didn't seem to go away. It choked me.

His voice made everything hurt less though. I let it sweep in and take me. I shouldn't worry abotu when he leaves me behind. I should just be happy. Like I have been for so long it seems. I listened to the songs he sang. Songs I loved. They were his. They were songs we shared. But it kept hitting me. He was going to leave.

The room was clapping loudly at the end. People were cheering. Jonah screaming loudly. It was too akward to cheer. This was a quiet show. I put a smile on my face when he took his guitar off putting it in the case. Everyone started moving around suddenly. In twenty minutes it emptied. But a few of us stayed. I stood next to Bennett.

Him and Paul were talking of course.

Rainie smield at me. "Those songs, the three, they were about you right?" She asked.

I nodded. Smilign a little.

"They were really sweet." She said. "You guys are perfect." This was comign from Rainie Joseph. The girl part of the most perfect relationship to ever exist. I smiled. Thanking her.

Then I caught onto a certain sentence in the conversation beside me.

"...we should try writing some stuff together." Rainie and I both started listneing to them.

"Yeah," Bennett said. He meant it too. It wasn't jsut agreeing. He was serious.

I was excited for him. I knew Benentt wanted to do this. He wanted to be in a band. "We should get some people together and just play around, you know, nothing too intense, but you know to get a sense of things."

"My friend plays bass and stuff and I know a good drummer, you might know him his name is Mike."

"Oh yeah, I knwo that kid. He's cool, we actually have some classes together."

"He said he was lookign for some people to play with."

The way the conversation was going, I had a feeling this was the end of the Bennett Williams solo project.

* * *

We were behind the red door. And we were in his room. He was happy. Really happy. He left his guitar with the Get Up Kids sticker on it alone. But he was really happy I could tell. He leaned in and kissed me. His lips warm against mine. "Did you like your song?" He asked quietly against my lips. He kissed me again shortly.

"Yes," I said.

He kissed me again. I felt my heart speeding again. I moved my hand to his chest. If I thought mine was going fast I had no idea mine was actually not going fast at all. His heart was speeding. So fast it seemed to not even pounding in his chest. I had never noticed this before. And tonight I was very aware of it.

We did everything from the waist up. He held me softly. Kissing my forehead. And holing me. "Do you tihnk we got a good head start ahead of Cass and Miles?" He asked sleepishly.

"Mmhmm." I said. "We are getting close to Rainei and Paul." I closed my eyes a little.

"You still don't believe me, huh?" We were both pretty tired.

"No," I said plainly.

He kissed my eyelids. Then my lips. "You will someday, I promise." He said.

I laughed quietly. And I felt him smile into my hair. He kissed my neck softly. And then suddenly I was waking up the next day. The lump in my throat from last night gone. And I had him close to me. His breathes distant trying not to wake me up. I could have slept more but it was nine-thirty. I was out of the house right before his mother was home.

I had thought my mother was gone on a business trip. Her car was parked in my driveway. She wasn't.


	56. Chapter 56

Chapter 56

I held my breathe walking into my house as quietly as I could. I shut the door so quietly. If this was an old house I would have been revealed. But it was 9:45 in the morning. I had the feeling that my chances of getting away with this were slim. My mother would know. Her sleeping patterns had her up at six. Sometimes five. Today was no exception. I was screwed.

But there was still a chance I could sneak upstairs. In a fashion I learned from Amber I took my shoes off- they were slip ons. Moccassins. And then started tiptoeing up our stairs. I figured my mother would hear me. My door was wide open. A sign that no matter what she knew. I wasn't home when she came in to check on me.

I couldn't think of an excuse. I went out of the house with Cass and Miles. To see Bennett play. My mother didn't know I had gone with Cass and Miles. I bit my lip going into my room. I froze.

Teen movies are legitimate. Mother's looking like hell. Sitting in their daughters rooms waiting for them to come home. They're make-up making them look like angry killer clowns, and their hair all messed up. But my mother was sitting there. Dressed for the day. Cup of coffee in her hands. But her expression when I walked into my room was one I knew slightly from those teen movies. But it was ten times worse and scarier.

"Where were you?" She asked. Her voice so close to a growl I was already dead prey in her hands.

I swallowed. Opening my mouth.

"I thought you were more responsible than that Elisa!" She said sudenly becoming upset. She had a good guess. In fact it made sense to me what she meant. "Did Dave cheating on you do this much to you?"

I looked at her suddenly my eyes narrowed. "I told you before," I said. "I don't care about Dave cheating on me."

"Look at yourself Elisa!" She said loudly. "You're the opposite of who you are. You're like Amber! I don't even know who you are."

I caught myself in the mirror of my bureau. I saw myself. When I looekd at myself really fast I saw Rainie Joseph. The person people said I looked like now. But I looked harder and I saw the person Bennett always told me about. I looked at my mother again. My eyes studying her. I used to wonder what I'd be like if my father hadn't left. I realized now I should be wondering what I'd be like if my mother bakced out of my life instead of him.

"I don't want you seeing this boy anymore." She started wlaking out liek this was done.

I looked at her like she was crazy. "You want me to break up with Bennett?" I asked.

"Yes," She said. "He isn't a good person for you to be near- let alone getting into a relationship with. You're too young to be this serious abotu a boy."

"I have only been in a relationship with him for two months." I said. "I was in a relationship with Dave for five. I thought I _loved_ Dave, mom. I don't think I love Bennett. In fact, he's the best thing to happen to me." I was upset yelling at my mother.

She stared at me. Her eyes seeing me.

"Can't I finally be happy, mom?" I asked.

Her eyes looked at me. Seeing me. They changed. Saddening. "Don't you dare pull that on me." She said.

"I've been miserable. In case you haven't noticed. And now... I'm happy. I'm freaking happy. Can't you let me be happy. I'm not having sex with Bennett. I'm not doing anything wrong. You pushed me and pushed me into my relaitonship with Dave. Telling me he was good for me. Mom he wasn't. He made me sleep with him. He cheated on me. With _three different_ girls. Bennett would never do that to me. He's the best thing that's happened to me, mom. Don't you get that?"

I saw my reflection in her eyes. I was a stranger. I was different. I remembered all of the years I let her pick out my outfits in stores. Told me what to say. What to do. When I became frineds with Cass she controlled a little less of me. She had a part of my that was a little bit like Amber but never that much. The my clothes changed along with my music taste. And I was finally going on the right track to her with Dave.

Everything changed. It started with the two things she could never change. My music. And my choice of friends. And from there I found a person. Or they found me. A twist of fate happened. Bennett Williams. The legend. Finding me. Started liking me. And somehow I couldn't help liking him back. We always had a connection. I remembered that silver chain he gave me. Save me. He saved me. He breathed life and purpose into me. He gave me happiness. He gave me everything I could ever want. And here was my mother trying to fight that. But she couldn't. I was going ot let go of Bennett just becasue she told me to.

This was a fight that would never end. It ended for now, her walking out my room leaving me there. I had won.

I smiled. Seeing myself in the mirror. That person Bennett always tlaked about was there. Staring back at me. Smiling. I remembered him apologizing quickly. Saying how he should go in and explain for me. Why I had been out all night. But I said no. I was supposed to call him to make sure I got out alive.

I dialed his phone number. The second ring he answered. "Elisa?" He said.

"Hey," I said.

"So you're still alive?" He asked.

I smiled. "Yeah," I said. "Somehow." I looked around my room. "Hey, are you busy today?"

"No," He said.

"Do you want to go somewhere today, we could go to the IHOP. I just need to get out of my house." I said. My room was unsettling. Just for now. The fight still hung in the air.

"Yeah," He said. "I'll pick you up in a few minutes if you want."

"That'd be great." I said. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

My mother didn't say anything to me when she heard me go down the stairs. "I'm going out." I said loudly so she heard. And then I walked out shutting my big black door behind me. Leavign her locked inside. Away form me. I was out of my quiet empty house. I walked out to his car waiting at the end of my driveway.

I got into the car. He kissed me. His eyes moving ot my neck. He smiled a little. "You don't ahve to wear that." He said. "It will sort of have a use in the future."

I smield. "I want to tohugh. What use will it have, I'm curious now."

He kissed me. "You never ask about the key, so why should I tell you."

I smiled. Kissing him again. Closing my eyes. And kissing him. His lips soft agaisnt mine. It was perfect. I felt this feeling. I wasn't quiet emo Elisa anymore. She was dead. Long gone. I was this person now. I moved away, but he held my face pulling me back to him so he could kiss me a little longer.

I was happy. I really was.


	57. Chapter 57

Chapter 57

We drove around instead. I just needed ot get away from my house. So we just went driving around. Listening to this mix-CD he found when he was going through this phase where all he listened to was "real emo" music. Every song was depressing hitting you with a special punch of emotion. But we kept driving and I told him about my mother. He listened shocked by how my mother had acted.

I tired to make it sound liek she didn't hate him. I have a feeling she did. More than any of Amber's boyfriends she brought home during high school. He didn't seem afraid of her as I talked. He listened. When I finished a really vicious Cursive song ended. "She reminds me a lot of my dad." He said staring out into the street.

He never mentions his father. I know he exists it's just I have a feeling things are still sore between them. "I don't know why I let het control me so much." I said quietly.

He reached over touching my hand. "You know, I can't really remember what you were like when we first talked." He said. "I remembered your eyes and stuff- you were so terrified of me- but other than that you've always been like this around me."

"I was scared of you because you were Bennett Williams," I said smiling.

He looked at me. Confused a little. Waiting.

I swallowed. I never needed an explanation for a lot of things. Soemtimes they jsut came out naturally as a statement themselves. But this one I didn't want to get into. It was embarrassing. "You're like a legend in this town. Everyone knows who you are." I said. Hoping he'd take that.

He raised his eyebrows. "Everyone knows who you are too," He said. "Does that make you a legend too?"

I shook my head. "No," I said. "I'm not a legend. Nobody talks about me."

"Oh, really?" He said. "Are you aware of how many people look at us like we're freaks?"

"Apparently not." I said shifting.

"I got used to it." He said. "You did too. You're a legend Elisa."

I shook my head not fighting him on this. He came to a red light. Looking at me. Taking my hand gently. Leaning over and kissing my temple. "And to tihnk we met over a conversation about Dashboard Confessional and Sunday Drive." He said. His voice sweet.

I looked at him as he drove. This song comign on. One I didn't know. But I watched him. He tapped his fingerso n the streering wheel. I wondered what it would have been like if he and Rainie had gotten together. I would probably be alone. But I wouldn't be anticipating an ending I'm not quite sure how it will turn out. I know now, jsut looking at him, seeing him dirivng. Just listening to a song. The simplest moment- I was going to miss him. Even if we broke up before then. The day I wake up and don't have him to come talk ot or be with- it's going to hurt a lot. I'll miss him a ton.

I knew there was no chance he would stay with me. He'll be going to college for whatever. And I'll be in Kerrington. Finishing up high school without him. So I figure I should make the best of this. Knowing it will end in the blink of an eye.

"What?" He said looking at me.

"Nothing," I said looking forward. Snapping out of it. He turned back to look at the road. A small smile on his lips. I'll miss him a lot. I know that already.

* * *

I rang Cass' doorbell. Bennett and Paul were going to hang out today. Try out the whole music thing for the first time. which gave me a window of time where I had nothing to do. So I called Cass. We haven't hung out as much now with her and Miles dating. I never wanted to be a third wheel. And we aren't the double date kind. I thin kthat would be too akward for me to handle- although I know Bennett and miles would get into good discussions about movies and books. Miles likes weird Cambodian rock music though. But I'd never go on a double date. I think they are above all awkward and strange.

It's selfish. But Cass is the same way.

She opened the door. "Hey," She siad smiling.

She let me in. Her brothers screaming in the living room. We went up to her room to get away from them becuase even though Cass loves kids, she wasn't in the mood to deal with them and they were occupied so her room was the safest bet. We went up, and she sat on her bed. We started tlaking about her and Miles because I wans't filled in on the details right away.

And I put on a CD she had borrowed from me. It was an old one. She was telling me about everything in detail. In fact I loved hearing about it. It was nice to know I had seen it happen. Except for lately. But I was slowly catching up to speed. Sitting listening to her. She was happy. I knew I was like this about Bennett. But I never told Cass much about our relationship though.

She was so happy. "He's so dorky. And you'd think dating him would be like dating my lost brother- but it's not. I mean it's compeltely normal and even kissing him's fine. It's so weird." She said.

I laughed a little.

"But yeah, I feel liek I've been going on for an hour about him. I think about him non-stop now. But I don't know- it's jsut weird. It was so fast, and it's hard to believe we were just friends two weeks ago." She looked at me. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah," I said. "Sure."

"I was just wondering-" She said. "But what was it like for you when you were aorund Bennett still dating Dave."

I didn't tell her much aobut this. I thought about it. "I didn't want to go near him." I said. "I thought he was trying to ruin my relationship wth Dave, so I was scared of him."

"Did you liek him though?" She asked.

"I couldn't help it." I crossed my legs sitting on her bed. "It was weird. It was impossible for me not to like him- so I must have just tried to stay away from him to keep my relaitionship with Dave."

"Why though?" She said. "You liked Bennett and he liekd you."

"Yeah, but I never even knew that." I said. "I thoguht I jsut had a crush on him and it would go away if I went away from him. And it didn't work obviously but when Dave cheated on me- I ended up going to him."

"You never told me about the night you hooked up with him." Cass said. "I'm sorry if you don't want me to know. But I have just always been wondering."

I swallowed. "I jsut went to this party he was playing and I was just listening. Trying to avoid Dave. And he saw me and we started talking- about Dave. And me. And he knew Dave had been cheating me since the first day we talked. And then I don't know- he walked me home and we kissed under a streetlight and..." I sighed. Ready to go on, but she just nodded. That was enough for her. She understood.

She smiled. "I always hated Dave." she said. "But I love you and Bennett."

I nodded. "I've been thinkign a lot about him leaving at the end of the school year." I said. "I mean- I don't know if he applied to colleges but he probably did. I'm assuming. But he's going to graduate and I'll be stuck here."

"So you're saying you think he's going to break up with you once he graduates." She said looking at me.

"Yeah," I said. "I mean- he's going to have to leave me behind no matter what."

She jsut looked at me like I was half-crazy. "I don't think so." She said.

I ignored this. Looking down at her bed covers. She swallowed. "Do you have any idea what people are saying about you?" She asked. I looked up blankly. I had no idea what she was talking about. "Peopel think you're like god Elisa. I mean you come up out of nowhere and start dating Bennett Williams. But then suddenly you start looking like Rainie Joseph, bieng part of the second most intimidating relationship in the whoel town. Next year- you'll probably end up being Rainie Joseph. And do you know why? Because this kid is fucking insane about you. I don't think he's going to dump you for some college-girl anytime soon or at all."

"We've only been together two months."

"But Elisa this is what people are saying now. Look at you after_ two_ months with him. You are a new person. Wait until you've even been together four."

I looked at her. Blankly. I didn't believe. There was no strand of hope inside of me that she was tleling me the truth. she was my best friend. There was probably another load of whisperes saying I was a joke. That I didn't deserve Bennett. I knew I didn't but somehow he liked me back the same way I liked him. I looked down again.

I swallowed hard. This lump in my throat was back. I knew it'd chake me to death someday.

* * *

**A/N: So my Story Traffic's all screwed up. I don't know if people are reading this or not. But review please. Tell me what you think will happen. What you think about everything.** _I'll be updatin' my newer story a little slower. "Leaving Through The Window." I'll finish this up before I become obsessive posting a chapter a day or so. But I hope you guy's check it. I have about two other story's I'll be making some notes for. Which I'll post on here when all of my current stories are done._ **I really appreciate you all. You make writing a whole lot easier for me.** **I've never written books with 50+ chapters so fast. Hah. :P**


	58. Chapter 58

Chapter 58

I was in work early. it was about six. Usually when Becky downs two extra large coffees and all of these people come in leaving for work picking up jelly donuts and coffee. 6:55 kids start coming in. And by 7:00 it's a madhouse. I'm making about five coffees in two minutes. Smashing them out as Becky charges them. It's chaotic and a mess. But we manage. Somehow.

Once it slows down Benentt and Sean always come in. It's a routine I've gotten used to from my past eleven morning shifts. Sean saying Becky is overworked as she makes him his extra large coffee with eight sugars. And I kiss Bennett from over the counter. There are always a few kids left then. But they are always jsut sittign eating or drinking. Before they leave.

We get off shift at 7:15, Carol taking over. Saying hello to Bennett asking him if he wants to play a gig. He smiles. "I'm in a band now," He said smiling. "The solo project's dead for now."

He's happy about the whole band thing. Him and Paul are really pulling it off. They have some kids getting together Tuesday. And no matter how good he hides it- I knew he's excited out of his mind about it. Bennett would never say it or show it really proudly- but somehow I just know. It's sometihng he wanted. And he's good friends with Paul. He loves music. And he loves making it. So this is probably his wildest dream. It's a little late, but he's been doing his own music- which Paul and him have decided not to use at all- for about two years. So I'm happy for him now. He's happy too.

Sean walks Becky over to her car. I'm not sure why but they usually jsut say hello and kiss a lot. "Are you and your mom still fighting?" He asked curiously.

I nod. "she didn't say anything ot me this morning." I said.

"I'm sorry." He said for the millionth time. I smile kissing him.

"It's not your fault."

"It is though." He said.

I kiss him again. Pressing my lips agaisnt his. He kisses me back. And weaves his fingers into mine. "So, I'll see you at school?" I asked.

"Yeah," He said. "English first right?"

"Yes," I said. He kisses my forehead.

"See you in a little while." He said.

"Bye," I kiss him again. And then I walk over to my car. Him walkign to his own. I look at him, opening my car door. He catches me. Smilign and wving. "Bye." He calls across the parking lot. He blows me a kiss.

I smile, blowing him one back. He makes a goofy movemtn like cathcing it. Even though he's walking backwards. I just hope he doesn't slip. But he manages to do so. And we both turn away. Leaving in different cars to the same place.

* * *

In the hallway outside of English he always finds me. This sophomore couple is usually making out at their lockers. they have been ofr the past month. But Bennett and I seem to attract more attention when we kiss. What Cass says is runnign through my head. But I always remember what sparked it first. I try not to.

He links his fingers with mine and we walk into English. Rachel watching me like I'm flaunting him beside me. But I'm not. We sit next to each other. Mrs. Masons writing on the board already. And our day begins. We're doing poetry right now. And Mrs. Masons has Bennett read a lot. He's really good at it. We read a lot of Robert Frost. He leaves a lot of e. e. cummings though in my leaves notes inmy locker. I don't know how but I'll ocme back ot it and there will be one.

CDs are there too sometimes. Mix-CDs of songs he tells me about. If I don't know them they end up on them. Along with an index card of all of the songs on it with artist and stars next to them if I need to listen to them really hard. Those are usually the songs that I make hi mthink baout or just amazing songs in general.

But days go by quickly. Classes go by slow. Unless I'm with Bennett. Then they go by too quickly. But most of all Cass and I have gotten closer. with Bennett and Paul working on the music, I'm with Cass more. And Miles. And even though they hold hands now and are dating- nothing's really changed. Except we're all a lot happier.

And I owe everything to Bennett. I owe him everything.

* * *

**A/N: Review Review Review.**_ This is going to speed up a lot now. I'm jumping ahead. About three weeks I think. Again. I'm sorry. It's a little choppy but it's going to smooth out immensly. And I hope you like this still. Drop me a note saying anythign at all. Anything you've noticed that I may have not._** Review Review.**


	59. Chapter 59

March.

Chapter 58

The winter was ending. All that was left frozen was whatever was left of the snow. There wasn't much left in hopes for another storm. With March coming up, it's like Spring is just a few seconds away. To everyone they can feel spring. Just from seeing fake-looking grass at the feet of whats left of mountains of snow. I can't sense much of anything. With February disapearing right underneath my nose. It's hard to believe I oculd only once tell it was fall. Just sensing it in how the wind shifted nand the tree changed colors so slightly. Now with everything bursting to life, I felt like whatever had come to life in the winter was still growing.

I sat at my computer. Making a CD. Bennett and I were obsessing over the first Hawthorne Heights record. And this mix-CD was one that hosted much of it on there. It was for him anyway. He'd like it. He jsut bought the record last week.

But Cass had just left. Leaving my room an uncomfortable quiet. The kind that I was far from used to. But was so familiar to at the same time. My mother and I were jsut living in the same house. She was jsut the woman who fed me and shared short choppy conversations with. But we were improving. When Amber was here- she was the peacemaker. Not me anymore.

Tonight she had sat awkwardly in between my mother. Her February vacation the week after mine. It's so strange having her here. Walking aroudn at home. One of us. She came into my room. "It's so weird around here now." She was well informed on the fight my mother I had last month, but it's something I've gotten used to.

My phone rang. I answered. "Hey." I said. Not even having to look at the caller ID.

"Hey," He said. "What's up?"

"Just making a CD." I said. "How was band practice?" I don't need to ask how it went. It's gone great for them so far. They've got their sights set on a batlle of the bands thing in Natick. But for jsut starting they were pretty good. Bennett always seems strange singing a some to electric guitars and drums. He looks incomplete without his acoustic guitar. But I like the music. I like how he's so happy about it. I was always lucky to see him pick up his old acosutic guitar- the one with the Get Up Kids sticker. And he'll play a little of the songs he's written about me. Or along with the record we're listening ot and talking over quietly.

"Great," He said, his voice rising slightly with excitement and happiness. He's smiling I can tell. "We're getting pretty good."

"That's good," I said. "Was this a no 'groupies' practice?"

We were at the IHOP. And Ranie and Paul were with us. She started going on how excited she was. How she always wanted to be a groupie for a totally awesome band but it never worked out for her. Paul just sat there annoyed not saying anything. Embarrassed by what she was saying. I think it wasn't the first time heh ad heard this speal about Rainie being a groupie. But she'd show up at a lot of practices. Not annoying anyone it seems but Paul. I think it was because nobody could pay attention when she was there. During "Groupie Free" Practices she'll come into Carol's if I'm working and sit there. Everything I assumed about Paul missing half of himself when he's not with Rainei seems to be the opposite. Rainie is anxious. Antsy. Jittery. Like a kid with ADD when Paul's not around sometime. Maybe it's the coffee but even she says so. She's missing half of herself when she's not with him.

Bennett laughed a little. "Yeah," He said. "Rainie showed up at the end though, this time Paul didn't tell her to wait until we were done." He sighed. "And you still think we're not beatign them relationship-wise?"

I knew we weren't. I wasn't anxious and missing half of myself when he was gone. I would miss him a tiny bit. Wonder when we would get together after anything but we were far from attached at the hip like Rainie and Paul were. They were connected if that were ever possible for two people to do so without having it happen physically. They belonged together.

Bennett and I were splitting apart at the end of the school year.

"Yes," I said. "I still stand by that."

"I'm trying to hard Elisa." He siad, his voice sweet. Dripping with the happiness of a smile. "Why won't you jsut trust me?"

"I'd trust you with my life." I said leaning back in my chair. My CD was being copied now. I watched the little bars next ot each song fill as each song completed their copying one after the other slowly and steadily. "You know that."

"But not with real facts, huh?" He asked.

"Not yet." I said, my lips curving into a smile.

"You will tohugh." He said.

"I think that chance is slight."

"Like that's ever stopped us before, Elisa."

"What are you doing tonight?" I asked changing the subject. He had my heart racing uncontrolably. I didn't want to take the chance of havign a heart attack now.

"My mother's home," He said. "She's taking a few nights off. Graduation is hitting her way before it should be. I have to stay home, but I'll call you later tonight." I was happy I wasn't the only person anticipating graduation. His mother thought I was the greatest thing ever. Whenever she saw me she hugged me and made me feel welcome. My home was now the opposite.

I went over his house a lot more than I once did. And he still tries his best to make my life more liveable. Whenever my mother is gone he'll come over and we'll talk ourselves to sleep. Waking up right before his mother is home so he can sneak out and make it home before anyone got suspicious.

Tongiht was a school night, and I had to work tomorrow so I couldn't stay up too late. We talked a little more until he had to go. And I sat there at my computer seeing all my songs successfully copied and I opened the disk drive. Removing it and looking at it as it cought the light. I put it in the thin case waiting for it.

I hoped he liked it. I slid a little piece of paper with the track list on it. Stopping to listen to The Get Up Kids' "Last Place You Look" bursting from my stereo as it came up on the last mix-CD he made me.

* * *

**A/N: Boring. I know. *sigh* big stuff coming up. Review Review. **


	60. Chapter 60

Chapter 60

In school, I've become aware of it. When I'm walking with Bennett if he's talking to Sean I'll stop and just become aware of where I am. I walking down the hallway next to my boyfriend. With Dave they all waved and smield and said hello and he'd do so even in the middle of a conversation. But I saw it all happened. Everything I never noticed. It was there. In that hallway spelled out in black and white for me.

People had a glimmer of something in their eyes as they watched us. It was like the hallways parted for us. But never really. We were walking along. And I remembered when I was along the sides to, at my locker or with Dave. Seeng Bennett Williams walk down the hallways was once like seeing a movie star. And here I was a part of it. They looked back and forth from him and then to me. I remembered all he had said to me in January. Abotu me being a legend too. I still doubted that, but it was confirmed for me. I was a new person to me and everyone around me. Perfect strangers. Old friends I've lost. I was new.

I saw Dave yesterday. Standing there talking to someone obviously. Ace and Cam. Their attention was sucked to us. Bennett and me. I only caught a little of it. Dave squirming to regain his rightful attention. Dave used to never have to fight for his own attention. Now it was something he clung to.

* * *

I slid the CD into Bennett's locker. It went in easily. Giving a loud hsarp noise when it hit the shelf at the top. He had problems with his locker. It never closes right so he has to slam it, but the opening slits at the top are jsut the right size for me to slip CDs into. And know he gets them right away.

I kept walking. I was used to this by now. I was quick at it. Not having to stutter shoving a CD into a thin slit in his locker. I was smooth at this by now. Making m way down the hallways. I looked up. The look in people's eyes when I walked down the hallways for each pair I met. I was at frist frightened by this. I had never noticed it but somehow it seemed _normal_. But it wasn't.

It was osmthing I had unconciously become accustomed to.

Just now I was realizing it.

Cass sat in History. Writing something down quickly. She looked up smling. "Hey," She said. I stopped at her seat.

"Hi," I said. "What's up?"

"Nothing," She said. "Hey, I'm sorry Miles and I didn't sit with you at lunch today. He had to do something in thel ibrary so I went along with him."

"It's fine." I said shrugging.

"Hey are you busy this Thursday?" She asked. "I need to get Miels his birthday present, and I need you're help." I opened my mouth to talk. "And if you say no and that you need to be with Bennett I understand... _but_ I would like to remind you that you _promised_."

I smiled. "I'll go with you Cass. I don't have anythign to do tomorrow anyway."

She smield excitedly. "Great," She said. "It's Thursady though, you don't have to work?"

"No I'm working today instead this week." I said. "When do you want to go?"

"Afterschool?" She said. "He has photography club then."

"Perfect," I said smiling.

The final bell rang and I went over to my seat next to Rachel. She was dating a baseball player now so she stopped treating me like a slut. She let me copy her notes the same and talked to me a little less than she had when I was quiet and would jsut nod and agree. This class goes the slowest for me. I try and copy the best I can. But I'm always waiting for my one class with Bennett. That was enough to make and hour and a half become twelve.

* * *

I can always see him. He's usually standing there against the wall. Looking around waiting for me. Today was no exception. He smiels when he sees me. Saying hello when I'm close enough. We kiss. People stare but I never notice it anymore. Everytihng is perfect when we're together. Nothing can go wrong. But I don't let myself think that anymore.

I try and stay away from thinking things like that. It makes this all seem harder.

English is easy. It goes by fast. But he's there. And at lunch I sit with him when we have the same. Which is about every single one. Girls I've started talking to in the past month have started telling me that Bennett and I remind them of Rainie and Paul. Although Bennett is always sayign he is tryign to convince me he never does. He jsut brings it up. But I don't think people telling me these things mean it. It's like comparing us to Romeo and Juliet except it's Bennett's best friend and the prettiest girl in Kerrington.

When school's let out he finds me. Pulling me from the crowd to his side. Even tohugh I never have a chance of being swallowed up into the crowd anymore. And he'll drive me to Carol's.

Like I've mentioned we've been obsessing over Hawthorne Heights, it's more or less a distraction. We're trying to stop thinking that our favorite records and our favorite band is breaking up. The days are numbered and we count them. In less than a month we'll watch our favorite band play thier last show. Ever. Never in the future will they be planning another show. The cancelled the last few dates leaving ours the last. It's sold out. And out of Bennett's friends only Rainie and Paul are going besides us. Jonah wanted to go but he lost his ticket to some girl from Coolen and can't anymore.

So we try and distract ourselves. Filling the holes in our love for this music with new stuff. It's workign a little I have to say.

When I reach for the cardoor he reahces out and pulls me back in. Taking hold of my face and kissing me. "Can we hang out later?" He asks agaisnt my lips.

"You have band practice," I say. Looking at him.

"If Rainie can go so can you." He says eagerly smiling. "If Paul gets mad, it doesn't matter. If your there there's no way he can force Rainie out of the room. Come on,"

I look at him. I crack a smile. "Fine," I said. "But if Paul punches you again I'm never going to another band practice _ever_."

He laughs kissing me again. "I'll pick you up after work." He said.

"Okay," I say. "Bye."

"Bye," And he lets me get out finally. Go into Carol's and watch him drive away once I'm safely inside.

* * *

"Ow!" Yuo could hear it from outside. When we got out of his car we both stopped when we heard this. "Paul, Paul, this hurts so bad." It was Rainie. You could hear Jonah laughing. So it removed the possibility of "this" being something we shouldn't walk into. But Paul was laughing a little too.

"Come on," He said.

"Ow!" She was wailing now.

We walking in. And Rainie was sitting on Paul's lap. His head coming out over her shoulder and his arms around her. But they had an acoustic guitar on her lap. Rainie was holding a chord. A simple one- I think. And Paul was fixing the way she was holding it. Jonah was laughing, smiling as he watched. "Paul! This fucking kills." She said. "My fingers are splitting open."

"You're not even doing it right." Paul looked up seeing us. "Hey."

"God," Rainie said. "Can I _please_ let go?"

"No," He said. He moved her fingers. Over a little. "Okay hold it now." He was finding enjoyment in this. She wasn't serious. She couldn't be. Nobdoy could be in this much pain holding down strings on a guitar. Peopel have complaine mroe giving birth than now. It was funny though. Paul started playing and she stopped complaining to listen. It was a Sunday Drive song. We all did. Watching the severe look of pain on Rainie's face. He was playign a short riff.

"Ready?" He said to her. "Yeah," She said. He let go of the neck of the guitar and strummed. The chord Rainie was holding rang out. A note was muted, you could hear it but the moment it ended she let go. Flexing her hand. And complaing more.

Bennett laughed. "Did it hurt that bad?" He asked.

"God, my fingers are fucking ready to bleed." She said.

"You're fine," Paul said, he was still smilign a little. He leaned the guitar against the couch they were sitting on.

"Hey, Eh-lisa." Jonah said goofily.

"Hi," I said to him smiling.

"So this is not a groupie free practice I assume." Jonah said lookign around.

"Nah," Bennett said. Him and Jonah started talking. Jonah still disspointed in missing the last Sunday Drive show even if he didn't like them as much as us- he was jsut getting itno them and last shows for bands were "out of fucking control" he said.

I looekd over and saw Rainie and Paul. He took her hand and kissed it. She smiled at him and kissed him. And then he slid his hands around her waist pulling her agaisnt him. Rainie told me that Paul hates it when his friends see him pull cheesy moves liek this. And I understood why, but I think the whole 'groupie free' practices were going to come to an end soon. Whenever I see one of these "cheesy moves" or "cheesy moments" they seem to fall even more in love with each other.

They're already inseperable. It'll just get worse.

But this kid Mike burst in from inside. He reminds me of Miles except with black hair and is a lot more chubby. He plays drums. The practices take place in his garage. "Hi," He says happily seeing Bennett and me. He's really dorky and funny. Him and Jonah are really close frineds which is how Bennett knew him, and him and Paul go to school together.

Jonah plugs in his guitar. His is covered in stickers. Bennett doesn't play guitar anymore. He's a free singer. Because he claims he sucks at guitar anyway. I've told him he doesn't but he never believes me. Rainie gets off Paul's lap and lets him start to set up. Last is this kid Alex who is scary and awkward and soft-spoken. He reminds me of a turtle. He walks in wearing the same black sweatshirt I've only seen him in.

He carries in his bass and amp and says a quiet hello before setting up in his little area where nobody ever really tells him what to do unless they hear him go off which he never does.

I sit next to Rainie. She is lokign at her fingers. The lines of the stringds run across her finger-tips. "I only asked how to play a C chord." She said. She rubs her fingers on her jeans.

I smile. Listening to them all talk. Paul and Bennett pretty much run the show. They never butt heads or anything. They let each other lead the way. They're a tight band for being together a short while. They practice a lot. Mastering a few Saves the Day songs and a New Found Glory one. But they play a more hardcore version of this one song. It's the last track of Sunday Drive's first record. Rainie always sort of slumps back and remains quiet. She usually does dorky things and tries to distract Paul which never will work.

But here she is, slinking back agaisnt the couch a little. Silent and just listening. You can almsot barely hear Bennett singing over Mike and therest of the noise put together. But oyu can hear him a little. At least the melody. When they crank the microphone up, they are probably better than any Kerrignton band I've heard yet. Dave's band looks like a couple eighth graders now.

At the end of every practice while Alex is packing up silently. Jonah and mike will ask Bennett if they could make one of his old solo songs a real one. I mean, Paul and Bennett are writing a lot. But they're stuff is more on the fence leaning towards heavy metal then whatever sound they were hoping for. Bennett always says no. And Paul just listens and never seems ot pay attention. I have a feeling though, if it comes up in the future and Paul asks Bennett if they could take one of his old songs and ix it up a little for the band Bennett will say yes. Sean and Bennett are still close. It's just I think Paul understand Bennett more. They trust each other more. Especially with music.

For now, I'm the only one who hears his songs. Kids still go onto his old MySpace and listen to his stuff but I'm the onyl one who hears my songs. The wones he wrote about me. The ones with pretty chords and heartstoppign words. It's an amazing feeling but somehow I feel like he deserves more. Not with me. But he deserves to be heard by more people. He deserves more than just me. That's proably why I'll let him go at the end of the summer. Because he deserves sometihng more than just me. He deserves to be heard more than by just me.

I'm not putting myself down, it's just that it seems like in our relationship he puts more in front of him a lot. I don't need that. I need to put him in front of me sometimes. And by doing this. By waiting to let him go- it's half selfish half not. Because if I ended everythign now, we'd be better off. But if I wait we'll be happier longer.

And I don't think either of us could let go until we were forced to.

* * *

**A/N:** **I took a bigger jump than I planned. The beginning was written for February but I figured I didn't have enough interesting material to fill all of that so... I just jumped to the beginning of March.** _I think by the way I've been hinting things- Paul getting annoyed with Rainie, Bennett insinuating that him and Elisa are going better than Rainie and Paul- Rainie and Paul are not brekaing up. They never will so I tried to ocme up with a cute little scene or sometihng. The guitar scene was on my busride to school. So I hope it's alright. And I have been rereading and Bennett can be sort of creepy and awkward sometimes. I apologize. I'll go through and fix it when I can. God. I hope you like this._ **I want some predicitons about anything. Sunday Drive Show... Bennett's Band... Bennett leaving... relationships. Anything. Review Review Review.**

**Oh yeah and 60!!!! Hoooray!**


	61. Chapter 61

Chapter 61

"Okay," Cass said. We walked out of a video store. She had found something but figured since it was one of Miles' favorite movies he probably had both versions of it AND the movie soundtrack so we were back at square one. She let out a distressed moan. She had been in a few relationships in middle school. Most of which only crossed over holidays like Labor Day or Memorial Day or President's day. Nothing that required buying something for any of these boys she barely ever spent time getting to know. Miles was her best friend. Not jst a boyfriend. This required a lot of thought to.

It's not that Miles is meaning driven it's just thathe probably bought her something meaningful that would make anything she bought him look less. That's how Cass explained it to me. I don't think she understands that no matter what he's going to love anything she gives to him. Everything she gives to him he's going to just be in awe over. He's head over heels for her. I don't think it even would matter if she got him vitamin chews. It's cute though.

She stopped lookign around. "So clothes are a big no." She said counting them off on her fingers. "Every movie he's ever seen he probably has a copy of, I doubt he's missing any of those Dr. Suess books... what else is there?"

I sighed. We really were back to square one.

"Help me Elisa! You're the one who's been in relationships before!" She said desperatly. "I need you."

I thoguht about it. "Have you checked the bookstore for something else that's _not_ in the Kid's Department?" I said. "Or the CD store- you could find something there."

"Hey Elisa!" I turned around it was Rainie. She came over to us smiling. "What's new?"

"We're shopping for Cass' boyfriend's birthday." I said.

Her face was overcome with enthusiasm. "Can I help?" She asked.

"Sure," I said.

Cass smiled a little. "Yeah,"

"What does he like?" Rainie asked Cass. They've talked before, but somehow Cass is a little more than jsut on edge around her. She's intimidating, Rainie, but she's so nice and always happy.

"Um," Cass said thinking. "Movies, Dr. Suess-"

"My step-brother read the new Dr. Suess biography." She said. "Does he like reading stuff like that?"

"They have that?"

"Yeah, they probably have it at the bookstore here." Rainie said pointing behind her. "Oh- And get him a disposible camera!" She said smiling. "I always get Paul one for everything."

There is never a conversation I've had with Rainie or Paul where they haven't brought each other up when they weren't with one another. I could be discussing brain surgery with Rainei and hse'll tie Paul into it somehow, or him and Bennett could be talking about squirrels and he'll bring up Rainie. It's strange. I don't think Bennett and I do that. But I think it takes a lot more than what we have to reach that level.

Cass smiled. "Thanks," She said.

"Come on, let's go look." I said.

* * *

We followed Rainie's advice. Gettign the Dr. Suess biography. And the disposible camera thing. I felt strange doing that becuase it was "sort of an inside joke but not really" thing between her and Paul. But Cass liked the idea. Rainie had been working but Paul took up and extra hour so she had an hour to kill on her own at the mall because he drove her here.

I called Miles though, from the bathroom at the bookstore. "Hello?" He said.

"Hey," I said. "Quick-question..."

"Go ahead," He said.

"The new Dr. Suess biography..."

"I'm going to go get a copy right now, actually."

"Don't," I said. "Please."

"What-" Then he froze. "Oh..." His voice perked up. "She got it for me?"

"No," I said. "But please act surprised."

"I will." He said. I had to make sure because knowing Miels he would have gotten it and shown it to Cass that night after reading it and she would have had a freak-out. Rainei already saved us. We didn't need a trip all the way back to the beginning again.

When I hung up, I started getting out of the stall. My phone rang again. I picked up. "Hello?"

"Hey," It was Bennett. "What's up?"

I sighed. "Me and Cass are shopping for Miles' birthday present." I said. "I just called him to make sure he wasn't going to go out and buy it on his own."

I heard him laugh quietly. "Was he going to?"

"He was on his way out the door." I said smiling.

"We were supposed to have another band practice today," He said. "But Paul cancelled, so I was wondering what you were doing tonight, but if you're still shopping that's fine."

"We just finished actually," I said. "I'm not doing anything tonight."

"If you want you can come over my house, we could watch a movie or something." He said. "I thought people were going to IHOP but I guess not anymore." He said.

"That's sounds great." I said. We haven't sat in his house and watched a movie in a month now. I missed it a little, just being with him by myself. We do just hang out the two of us but not as often. "What time should I come over?"

"Whenever," He said. "I'm here."

"I'll text you when I start walking to your house then." I said smiling.

"I'll meet you halfway." He said. I could hear his smile over the phone. I always could.

* * *

He wrapped his arms around me. Kissing my forehead. I leaned in to him. Resting my head on his chest. We were lying down. A movie on I had never seen. It was called _Say Anything_ it was some movie from the 80s. Cass and miles were talking baout it once. But it was the first time I ever saw it. He kissed my forehead a lot during it.

Holding me close against him. I felt warm inside. And happy. Holding onto him. Not thinkign about whatever was ahead of us. Just watching a boy stand outside of a window with a stereo held over his head.

He had rented it so there was no commercials to wait for. When the credits rolled he kissed me. His lips soft and sweet. We kissed until they ended and by then I had to go home. I didn't want to but I always did. Tomorrow was Friday anyway. So hopefully we'd hang ou again, the plan was everyone was going to meet at IHOP. Something I was getting used to.

But I missed him a little. If that was possible. Jut him and me together. I really did. My mother was in Chicago tomorrow. So I wouldn't be alone tomorrow night in my big empty house.


	62. Chapter 62

Chapter 62

The next day I drove to school alone to make up a test I didn't finish. History. It gave me time to look over the notes I had copied from Rachel's so I had been confident about it. I blew through it. easily. Knowing what to schange and what to do. I handed it in finishing early. I went out into the halls.

I had my cell phone out answering a text message from Bennett. You can before school starts thats why. I was texting. I'm slow at it. Cass can crank out one in a second. I can barely write one letter in that time. But I was walking. I hit someone. They dropped something. A science expiriment. It clattered to the floor.

"Sorry-" I said. It was Dave. I knew the moment his cologne filled my nose when we made impact. It didn't register though. He just stared at me. His eyes wide and looking at me like everyone else did. Like I probably did when I walked into Bennett the first time.

"Sorry," He said softly. He went down awkwardly. I had dated this kid. He was a stranger to me. I bent down picking up all the atoms at my feet.

"Here," I said holind them out ot him. He looked at me again.

He msield a little. "Thanks," He took them. It was so awkard. I knew what Bennett meant when he said I used ot look at him like I was scared. Or I used to look scared whenever someone did. He swallowed. I stood up. "You look so different." He said quietly. "A lot has changed, huh?"

I nodded. "It has." I said firmly.

"Look, Elisa," He said. "I'm done apologizing now. And I understand how you could have cheated on me. What I did was out of line. I was a liar and an ass-"

"I know." I said. I didn't feel hate anymore. I just didn't want him in my life. I was sick of these fake two-cent apologies.

He tried to get himself together to start over again. "I meant the whole let's-be-friends thing. I want to get to know you. I feel awful, I am trying to change and I don't want to be the person that hurt you again."

I sighed. "Dave," I began. "I'm sorry, but it's not that I _can't_ forgive you or whatever, it's jsut I want you out of my life. Period. I don't want you to keep apologizing and getting to me. You're just making things harder for me. I have changed. Because of the choice I made to break up with you. I left you for me, though. I don't care that you cheated on me. Because I cheated on you right back. I am _happy_ now. I don't need you to ruin that."

He blinked. Then looked down. At his pathetic styrofoam molecule structure. He forced a smile. "So this is goodbye, huh?"

"Goodbye Dave." I said.

He looked at me again. No logner scared. Just looking at me. I felt one last tug in my chest. A loose end finally rippign apart from me. "Goodbye Elisa." He said evenly. And then I stepped past him. And started walking down the halls. Feeling his eyes, the ones that made my heart speed once follow me. Until I could tune them out like I did everyone else.

I went into the bathroom. And looked at myself again. I felt strong. I felt like I could do anything. All because of Bennett. But suddenly there was this strange feeling. I didn't recognize it. I swallowed a lump in my throat. Finalyl doing away with all of the bad memories this year. All I had now were good ones. Ones of me feeling happy. And sure of myself. Ones of me becomign this person. Alongside premonitions of this years end.

It was decided for me. I didn't want Bennett to go.

* * *

I went to the nurse before first period. Faking an illness; soemthing I haven't done since Kindergarden. "Are you pregnant?" She asked the moment I walked in the door complaining.

"No," I said. And in twenty minutes I was walking out the door to go home. The nurse is old and sends you home as long as you have an excuse she can't test. She sends you home if your not a regular. And she had never seen me before. And spelled my name wrong so my mother wouldn't be getting a call saying I went home sick. But when I went to the office they said I went home sick properly. And I could go.

I jsut needed to go home. Dave had gotten to em again. But I collapsed underneath it all for the last time. I drove home but my sister's jeep was parked in the driveway. My mom would find out.

"Amber," I said when I got inside.

"Elisa?" She answered. "I thought you were at school?"

I follwoed her voice into the kitchen. There was a guy, about a foot taller than her with black-rimmed glasses on and dark hair. He smiled seeing me. "So this is the infamous little sister." He said.

"Elisa," Amber said smilign at me. "This is Tyler. Tyler, Elisa."

He smiled pushing off of the counter reaching out for me to chake hands with him. I smiled back. "Hi," I said. "It's nice to meet you." In our e-mials I had read about Tyler. He was a Americna History major at her college. Hoping to be a high-school teacher. I didn't know he was tall. Or not a complete dork like Charlie seemed to be.

"Nice to meet you too." He said.

"Alright," Amber said. She was pouring apple juice into two glasses. "What's the bag? You're supposed to be at school."

Tyler leaned back agaisnt the counter taking the glass Amber handed to him and thanking her. She sipped it waiting. I sighed. "I'm sick," I said.

"With what?" She asked.

"Stomach's hurtign me a ton." I said.

"Are you pregnant?" She asked smiling a little sipping her orange juice.

"Nah," I said. I walked over to the refrigerator taking out the carton of milk and getting a glass I had missed breakfast on my way out the door. "I ran into Dave."

"Ex-boyfriend," Amber said to Tyler.

"Oh," He said nodding. "So when I'm a teacher and a teenage girl comes up to me and asks if she can go to the nurse I should ask if she ran into an ex-boyfriend?"

"Exactly!" Amber said grinning. She was happy. I poured myself some milk. Tyler was cute. And funny. She had told me about the comedic part. He was different from the rest. Amber usually ends up with assholes or morons. This guy was the opposite of any guy she's dated.

"Is the boyfriend playing hooky too?" She asked me.

I suddenly remembered Bennett. "No," I said. "He doesn't know I am."

"I'm assuming you don't want mom to know either?" She asked.

"Yes," I said. "Please."

"Okay," She said. Tyler adjusted his glasses crossing his arms. Not saying anything looking aorund at our stainless steel perfect clean kitchen.

"Did you just move here recently?" He asked.

Then suddenly Amber went silent for a quick second. "My whole life," She said lookign around.

"Everything looks so new." He said. Not noticing the look as Amber looked around. I recognized it. I was the only one who could. When my mother re-did the kitchen- and the entire house- after our father left, Amber looked around at everything with those eyes. Searching for memories of our father. The one who smiled and laughed and kissed us when we fell down and were crying. who did everything a good father should except for when he left.

"It is," I said quickly to make up for Amber's silence. "Our mother re-did it a while ago though. We barely use anything. The house is too big without Amber." I put my glass in the sink. Leaving a small flaw in our stainless steel perfect kitchen. "I'm going to go back to bed. I'm so tired."

Amber had snapped out of it at the sound of my cup hitting the bottom of the sink. She blinked. "Alright kid." She said. "We're going to go aroudn town. I won't tell mom anything."

"Okay thanks." I said. And I walked out of the kitchen. All I've known about Amber's boyfriends, if she ever did bring them home it was evident they never knew the infamous story of the day my father closed our old brown door behind him, the door that was replaced by our big black one. Bennett knew before we were much of anything.

I wondered if Tyler would ever hear the story. Of the smashed coffee cup and his car driving away. I didn't think the chance was that good. But I liked Tyler. I never liked much of Amber's boyfriends. I think Tyle is the first I hoped would have a chance in the future. She was happy though. And that's all that mattered.

* * *

Our doorbell rang, and I peaked out my window seeing his car parked in my driveway. I hurried downstairs opening the door to find him there. "Hi," I said smiling letting him in. He kissed me. His lips sweet as they touched mine for a moment.

"Hey," He said. "So, here's my story..." He was mimicking Jonah here. I smiled. "I go to school- you know. Excited to see you. And everything. Wait by your locker. You don't show up. I figure- he she'll be in English. but English was _after _lunch so I'll find you before lunch if I don't in the halls. I don't. Wait by your locker. Still no. Check the table. Still no. Go to English. No Elisa." He says this smiling. "By then I figure you went home or ditched. Which was very unlike you, so Ihad to make sure you hadn't died or come down with cholera or soemthing." He looked at me analyzing my eyes. "You seem fine, what's up?"

I laughed a little. "I went home sick." I said.

"What's wrong?" He asked smiling a little.

"My stomach hurt." I said. He stepped closer to me. Wrapping his arms around me. Still waiting, smiling still. My smile faded. "I ran into Dave," He opened his mouth to speak again. "For the last time. I told him to stay away. For good."

He kissed me again. "Are you okay?" He asked.

I nodded. "I jsut needed to go home. So I did." I said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

He kissed me again quickly. "It's fine." He said. "I just thought something happened to you."

"Can I make it up to you?" I asked. Smiling agaisnt his lips.

"Yeah," He said. "You can." And he kissed me again. His lips against mine made my heart speed. I felt my stomach shaking. Butterflies the repercussion of that. I moved my hands to his neck and I did the best to make it up to him that way.

* * *

We ended up behind a red door. We were listenign to records. I was putting in CDs. And I put on his Sunday Drive one. The first record. He sat back looking at the forest green wall in front of him. "Can you believe in two weeks it's going to be the last time we're ever going to see them live?" He said. His eyes weren't even meeting mine. "Not even that, for the rest of the world, we'll be the last people to see them play live."

I shook my head. I've thought about this. "No," I said. "It's so weird."

He looked at me, a smile curving upwards on his lips. "We met over this band practically." He said. "And now we're outlasting them." I went over to him, sitting next to him agaisnt the side of his bed. He moved an arm around me and I moved closer. "I'm happy I'm seeing them with you." He kissed my forehead.

"I feel the same way." Thinking about it in he way he just put it, I was excited to see them with him. Out of everyone there's no one I'd rather see them with for the last time. I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Listening to him breathe. "It's still weird thinking about it."

He nodded. "I know."

I turned my face upwards, kissing the corner of his mouth. There was nobody I'd ever rather be with.

* * *

**A/N: More reviews = more chapters... jsut saying.**_ No, what's been delaying me is my frequent listening parties this week. I just sit and write in my journal and listen to new records. Hah. Im' a mucisal artsy dork. I know._


	63. Chapter 63

Chapter 63

We had just been talking. Not syaing much. I leaned against him again. "I came home today and Amber has a new boyfriend." I said suddenly. I was tired, so was he. IHOP hadn't been that eventful. Excpet for te fact that once everyone had gone leaving me and Bennett and Paul and Rainie, Rainie had told me her and Paul will have dated for a year on the night of the Sunday Drive show.

By now everything revolved around that day. March 19th. The beginning of the end. The worst day of this year. It's all we thought about. The closest thing I anticipated. Once it was out of the way I was stuck counting the days until Bennett left. He never talks about colleges thoguh I know he applied to a few music ones and ones in the city. He never says anythign about them.

I blinked quickly. "It's jsut weird, because he doesn't know about my dad leaving." I said. "I mean- it's not that Amber and I tell everyone about it, it's just that she has never told anyone. Except for if they heard and said the most ridiculous rumors. But even this it was her closest friends. It's always a little weird." He was listening. He hands tracing mine as I talking. His lips closed and his eyes following his fingertips. I talk to him a lot about these things. Thigns that bug me or are strange. He's the one I trust with them. "I told you the second time we spoke. I don't know why, it's just becuase it was neccessary. It's confusing. But Amber doesn't tell anyone. I don't remember what that's like."

"That second time we taked," He said. "I don't even really know why I told you that whole story. I just _trusted_ you."

"Me too," I said. I moved away from him looking at him. His sweet brown eyes speaking foreign languages. He touched my face. His palm molding against my cheek. We were silent. "I always trusted you." I said softly. His hand warm against my skin. A comfort I've always known.

He stayed silent jsut looking at me. His eyes searching mine. The way they searched told me he was finding no answers. The same way I always felt. I looked down. He leaned in kising my nose quickly. His hands moving to my neck brushing hair out of the way. Another song coming on. We were listening to _Something to Write Home About_. The next Get Up Kids record after _Four Minute Mile_. The last song came on with a sudden burst of unknown noise. A supernova of this weird sound fading to more familiar ones.

He tipped my face up to look at him. And he smiled weakly. "I was listening to this when I started liking you so much." He said. Silently he spoke to me for the first time: _It says everything I can't. _

I listened. And then leaned in and kissed him. The moment all sound ceased, the silence grew deafening again.

A few minutes later I pulled my knees close to my chest. Staring at the floor. He spread one of his legs out. The other bent. Adn we stared at the same unfixed point. A line- invisiblely runngn across the floor in front of us. "I think I always trusted you," I began. I prepared to dive too deep into a meaning I'll never find. "Because we always were sort of connected. I mean we connect muscially- but there was soemthing else. And now- after everything it's just like I can't picture my life not knowing you." My eyes started stinging. I wasn't going to cry. I jsut listened to my voice. The soft vulnerable voice fillign the deafening silence lone and softly. It was the beginning of a goodbye I didn't want to make. "I mean with Dave, I jsut liked him. There was nothing. With you, I could tell you everything. My darkest secrets. You're my best friend but I care about you more than jsut that. I feel like we're just _connected_."

I looekd at him. His eyes were on me. Sweeter than I've ever seen them. And soft welcoming in mine. He jsut looked at me. With a blank expression. He understood though. He did. I knew he did. Then finally I understood. I had blown him away. Whatever I had said had shocked him. And he just remained silent. Not knowing what to say. I left him speechless.

He leaned in and kissed me. I kissed him back. He wrapped his arms around me. Because my mother was gone, I ended up staying the night at his house. Amber wouldn't guess where I was. She'd assume I was in my room while she probably stayed in the guest room with Tyler. I fell asleep in his arms. My favorite place to be.

* * *

I woke up a lot earlier than I normally would. He dropped me off before seven. Amber and Tyler still asleep I assmued. But I went up into my room, collapsing onto my bed. Too awake to fall asleep again. I took my CD player and put on the last mix-CD Bennett made me. It had a lot of Hawthorne Heights. But it also had a few other songs. Songs I wasn't too familiar with. But I listened to it.

When I used to listen to these songs I'd hear the voices of the singers who sang these lyrics. But now I heard all he couldn't cay to me. I heard what he wanted me to hear listening to these mix-CDs. I hadn't made it to the last song yet, but I knew it right away. My eyes opened.

The pretty chords were familiar to me. And I was yet again the only person to hear them. But they spoke for me. To me.

It was a song. Written for me. The first one. His voice was perfect. Much better than I've ever heard it. My heart started speeding. And I listened carefully. Fianlly hearing him say all he wanted to on his own. I felt my lips curve upwards. He stole my heart yet again.

* * *

**A/N:** **I was sitting in my room**_. Reading this book "Life is a Mixtape: Love, Loss, One Song at a Time" by Rob Sheffeild. He's from where I am. And I was listening to my second Get Up Kids' record Something to Write Home About and it was perfect. When "I'll Catch You" came on- it was my first Get Up Kids song- I instantly dropped my book although I was trapped in a trance for aobut an hour unable to stop reading. And I read along with it. That's the song that is the last on that record. And I listened to it- my favorite Get Up Kids song if you must love any GUK song love that one. It reminded me so much of Bennett and Elisa and just everything. Also read "Life is a Mixtape" you don't need to knwo the songs in it or anythign about music really- although it helps. It's changing my perspective of love and relationships and lettign me understadn why I was dying to make my ex-boyfriend a mixtape[CD] the whoel time we were together._ **Listen to "I'll Catch You" by The Get Up Kids. Review me what you think of it.**


	64. Chapter 64

Chapter 64

The next day there was a "Groupie free" band practice. I was at Carol's doing nothing. Working little. And telling Becky about the Sunday Drive show in less than two weeks. She sat there on the counter drinkign coffee. She and Sean didn't like them so much but she said that all Bennett talks about with anyone is his new band this show. It's a huge deal I guess. Between us Sunday Drive fans it is, so it's automatically one for the people close by around us.

"How's Bennett's band doing?" She asked looking at me cocking her head to the side a little.

"Good," I said. A kid had come in asking for a coffee which I got him. Handing it to him and takign the money he handed to me. "They practice a ton. They're going to be in this battle of the bands in Natick."

"Sean told me about that." She said raising her eyebrows smiling. "Says they got a fucking good chance of winning it too."

I smiled at her giving the kid his change. "Yeah," I said. "That too."

"When they asked Sean to play drums and he said no," She said. They had asked Sean because little Mike's parents told him he shouldn't get to into the band thing because he needed to go to college like his perfect older brothers and sisters. So Bennett and Paul had asked Sean if he would step in behind Mike and play if it doens't work out iwth him at all. "I was pissed. god, it's so cool to say 'Oh my boyfriend's in a totally nasty band!'" She sighed. "My boyfriend works at a grocery store."

I laughed. I leaned back onto the counter. "I obviously haven't used that perk to it's full advantage it feels like."

"I'm surpirised you don't parade it aroudn that your current boyfriend's band is freaking incredible and is whooping oyur ex-boyfrined's band's ass when it comes to being a band." She was on a caffine kick. I had told her about my confrontation with Dave and how he will stay away now this morning when I was still groggy and overtired. But I trust Becky. I smiled flipping hair out of my eyes. They were getting too long- my bangs. Cass is going ot cut them this afternoon when we hang out. "I would." She went for another refill.

The front door had opened and closed. Sean coming in. "You would what?" He asked. Becky moved over leaning across the counter brushing his lips with her own.

"Brag about my boyfriend being in a band if he wasn't just working all weekend long stacking cnanned greenbeans on aisle seven." She said smiling. "Elisa's modest about it."

"I jsut stopped by." He said. "Rainie Joseph was being forced out by Paul and they jsut got down that Braid song Mike wanted so bad." Becky said that Sean's been feeling neglected a lot wit the whole band thing coming into view so suddenly- he felt so alone. But whatever had gone on between Sean and Paul is obviously behind them and Sean is also up-to-date on everything band-related.

"No girlfriends allowed today." I said.

"I'm surprised though. Heard Rainie and PAul have been together a year. Or less if you count when thgey broke up." Becky said. "Three times right?"

"No," I shook my head. "Twice."

I know the story well. Knowing that the last time they broke up resulted in Bennett getting hit and then me stumbling upon him that night on the back porch of some kid's house. Sean nodded. Becky making him his extra-large coffee with eight sugars. I sat back watching. Becky and Sean were cute. They've been together a while. Broken up all summer. Getting back together right before school. But they were juct cute. They weren't inseperable comapred ot Rainie and Paul.

Spending so much time with Rainie and PAul makes every relationship seem meaning less. I'm not saying Rainie and Paul goole over each other every moment. But they are always connected somehow. You can just feel it standing next to them. Soemthing I've grown used to. I listen to Sean and Becky's conversations.

"Hey, Bennett told you, he'll pick you up when you get out of work." Sean said before he walked out.

"Thanks," I said smiling.

Work goes by slowly when we have nothing much to do. We sit around and tlak. Help the rare customer that needs a coffee at two in the afternoon. And then when we get out the collgege kid comes in.

His car pulled up a few minutes before my shift. I walk out once I can and find him sitting yet again in his car reading with his reading glasses. Writing on the book. I didn't jump to conclusions abotu the book though. "Hi," I said when I slid in. He quickly removed his glasses ansd then chucked the book into the backseat. It was graceful actually. All while he leaned forward to kiss me.

"Hi," He said, his face inches form mine.

When we're out of the parking lot he jumps in. "Hey are you busy this afternoon?" He asked.

I nod. "Yeah," I said. "Me and Cass are hanging out."

"How is she and Miles?" He asked.

I smield. "Great,"

"So we're beatign them right?" He asked as a joke. He could easily be an actor.

I shake my head smiling. "Yeah, sure." I look out the window. "So Sean said you got down that Braid song."

"Yeah," He said. His voie becoming less smotth. A little awkward and choppy. "When Alex left, we sort of started working on a new song. They talked me into using one of my old songs."

I was secretly thrilled. "Really?" I said enthusiastically. "Which one?"

"It was one of your songs." He said. "I don't know- it's kind of weird mixing them. I mean Paul really fixed up the guitar, but that song was so personal." He wasn't looking ta me. his eyes straight ahead staringinto the red light lingering above us.

"If you don't want to do it," I said not sure what to say, he wasn't eay to read when he is like this. He's never, but sometimes I can desipher small tihngs. now I was drawn to a complete blank. "you can jsut tell Paul your not comfortable using that song. I mean he'll understand..."

He started driving forward. "It's not really that," He said. "I just wrote that song the night after everything. I jsut picked up my guitar and it came out. And it's one of my best songs I've ever written. And I only played it because..." His voice faded. He looked at me quickly looking away again. "Because I wanted you to know what I was feeling. I didn't know if you knew how much that night meant to me."

I nodded quietly. "I always knew I think." I said.

He looked over smiling a little. He reached over and smoothed his fingers over mine, our hands molding together. I could never let go. Moments like these leaving me breatheless and filling my pounding heart with the feelings of missing him already mixed with one I couldn't feel over missing him. Dropping my off, he kissed me a little longer.

"I'm really happy right now." He said. "I jsut feel like everything's happening right."

I msiled. "I've felt liek that for a couple months now." I said.

He kissed me again. "I think I have ever since our first kiss." He said quietly. I closed my eyes leaning in again. Kissing him again. It was perfect it really was. My heart drained of all bad along with my life. The way he always did when he stole my breathe and kissed me- sending me back under our streetlight. Right when winter and everytihng began.


	65. Chapter 65

Chapter 65

The days went by quickly. It could be the sudden bursts of life emerging everywhere. Nothing was bare anymore. The owrd was reforming into a new dawn. Green emerginf from the cold ground with the warmth long hidden under our feet. The night were just cool. My breathe was invisible yet again. But my heart never changed or lost the life breathed into me this past winter. The deadest season of them all that restored all life to me.

It was ending. I could feel it. This period of my life. The biggest checkmark approaching. I woke up. My eyes adjusting to the clock. Reading the time I normally wake up. But my first thought was the date.

I got up calling him right away. He wakes up a few minutes before me so he and his mother can have breakfats together even tohguh he never eats and only she does. They catch up then. He answered his voice more awake than mine. "Goodmorning," He said. His voice fresh and perfect to wake up to.

"Is the date really March 19th?" He was the first person and only I trusted asking this question.

"Yeah," He said. He sighed. The breathe shaking the phonelines weakly.

I sigehd too. "It's tongiht, then huh?" I asked.

"Mmm." He must be drinking coffee. "Do you want me to drive you to school today?" He asked. "We have all our classes near each other today, right?"

When it comes to class schedules today was te best. "Yeah," I said. "I'll be ready."

"'_Winter Never Ended_ huh?" He said. I heard him smiling to his small song reference here. A Sunday Drive song. Which was off of their first record. I smiled too. It felt good to do so.

"Nah," I said. "For me it never could." I was half shocked by the honesty in my words. But we both just waited silently on both ends. "So I guess this is goodbye." I said smiling still.

"For us it never is when we say that." He said. "But yeah, I'll pick you up on time."

"Okay, see you in a little while."

"Bye,"

I hung up.

* * *

The day crept by slowly. We held hands in the halls. Today was sad. No matter what, I could feel the lurches in my stomach. Everything tied into a Sunday Drive song to me. The looks on people's faces. Everything just seemed like it was ending now. My favorite band was breaking up. I had a day to be emo didn't I? And who better than to be my emo self aroudn than Bennett Williams. But to us we just went with it. Taking in everything slowly.

Until we ended up sitting in IHOP. Across from Rainie and Paul. She out of all of us was getting hit hardest on the outside. She just sat there. Sort of depressed. Very unlike herself. Paul was there. Taking her hand and being soft and gentle to her when we weren't payign attention. I say him when Bennett and I were both loking down. He leaned over and kissed her forehead. And she closed her eyes inhaling his soft words.

Moments liek this everyone seemed to be able ot see how they belonged.

But we procrastinated. All of us. Finsihing. One cup, two cups, three cups of coffee before we finally left. Looking at each other as if diving into a funeral for a dear friend. This was more extreme for Bennet and I, but there was something on the inside between Rainie and Paul about this band. Bennett and I were putting to rest years of loving this music. The band breaking up. One that has gotten me throguh anything these past years of knowing them has thrown at me and brought me together with the best thing to ever happen to me.

Before we pulled out of IHOP his kissed me sweetly. On the lips. I believed anythign could happen. I ofrced myself to forget he was leaving. Tongiht was jsut me and him and one of the forces of the universe that brought us together.

For tonight we belonged together.


	66. Chapter 66

**A/N: I've been writing this for about six months now. Not this story this chapter. By far my most anticipated part I've ever written. I hope you like it. Thank you for reading. I want anyone who is to review what you think of this. And what you felt reading this. I went on a bi-polar out-of-control rollercoaster just writing it. And I haven't felt much since I wrote their frist kiss to be honest. And I hope you like this. This is the piece I've been dying to write. I was dying to reahc this moment. I hope you like it. It came out more poetic than I thought anything I've written could be. **

Chapter 66

We drove in the silence. We were talked out about tonight. I looked at him. Watching him. I let the silence feast upon my feeligns of missing him already instead of anything else. When I forced words out of my mouth they came out with my heart beating normally. no longer weighted down by the heaviness of him leaving. Another feeling manifesting within it. "Which record?" I asked quietly.

He sighed. "The newer one." He said. "I don't think I can handle listening to the first one tonight." I nodded in agreement. Letting go of his hand- barely noticing I had been holding onto it. And I leaned forward opening the glove compartment, taking out the newer record. Catching a glimpse of the first one. He was right- tonight we couldn't handle listening ot the record we loved most- the one that brought us together practically. The one thing we always had in common that we felt the same about.

It started playing. We made halfway through. To an acoustic one. A sweet one. One that made me look at him again. He didn't turn off the car. He leaned forward- the song just halfway through. He pressed his lips softly to mine. And we kissed. Bracing ourselves for one of the greatest and saddest shows we'll see for the rest of our lives I think. My heart was already beating unnormally. Saddened by the impact that this was it. The band was over.

We held hands. His fingers folded tight in between mine and we walked up to the venue. The smae as the Death Cab for Cutie one. The same rooom too. Full of everyone who could get tickets before they sold out. And all of us mellow and soft. Saddened and silent. Not many dared to smile. It was a funeral. There was no opening acts just Sunday Drive throguhout.

But it was good having my palm pressed warm agaisnt his. My heart awakened from the heavy slumber brought on the date and the fact that we were where we were. And I was with him. And I had forgotten aobut June. Or September. We were just together. Two people. No other factors. We just had each other.

I looked acorss the parking lot seeing Rainie and Paul. Bennett didn't notice them. And I didn't feel it upon myself to point them out. But his arm was around her waist. holding her close to him. Comforting her in a small way. I watched them. Enying them with every ounce of my being. The way I always knew Bennett must talking to Paul when Paul talked aobut Rainie. They were in love. I didn't know how that felt like. It must feel incredible of all things. Beautiful. Like anything is possible. And that nobody can tell. But it radiated off of them stronger tonight than ever.

The line was slow. We were near the front becuase Bennett knew some kids in line. This kid was stoned and I recognized him as the kid with greasy hair at that party so long ago. Life plays out this way sometimes. And we stood together. The warmth of spring radiating, although it felt like we were shifting back into fall.

His arms were around me as we waited. And he looked at me. Kissing me. And my forehead gently. As we talked quietly of subjects we instantly forgot. I think I told him I knew that kid form the party where we left and had our first kiss. And he smiled. Sweetly. Weakly. His eyes soft and reflecting mine. Kissing my lips. Warming me as we searched for the happiness we had once defined to each other not too long ago.

It was gone just for tonight.

The venue was dark as always. The volume was soft though. A few people talked. But we weren't obnoxious. Screaming or yelling. As the lights swept over bringing darkness we fell silent like a crowd at the movie theatre as the begin rolling credits. I moved clsoe to him. My body agaisnt his. My back agaisnt him and his hands around my waist. As we pushed forward with everyone gently. This was a foreign expirience. Once a Sunday Drive fan always one. We all shared the same love and felt the same with variations. And here we were anticipating our love for music to be slautered with everyone we hear live for the last time by the same people the same way we always knew.

I closed my eyes tipping my chin to the side so he could kiss me gently. This feeling is true "emo" if there were ever a feeling than encompassed all that gave that word definition and meaning. Made it an insult. Or an adjective. Nobody cared. This was a crowded room full of "emos" not caring. We let ourselves go and feel "emo" mourning all that could have saved us and given us love for music or a song or a record.

Nobody by an "emo" can understand this.

The band came on silently as well. We all froze for one awkward sweeping moment. The singer looking out. His eyes darting across ours. He leaned into my microphone- a silhouette- reminding me much of Bennet thoguh I held him close to me now. "Hey. How is everyone tonight?" The crowd picked up a little. Nobody shouted. An obnoxious kid maybe once. But we all jsut stared. A few claps coming out. "So, uh, I guess you know this is our last show. And we want to thank you for these past few great years. You guys make this mean everything. We won't stop making music individually. But for everyone who bought our records or have come to our shows. Thank you. And all of you die-hards I won't forget you either. So I jsut want to have one last good show. I want to feel you gusy having a good time. Becuase it's our last as a band, but you guys are going to have more coming at you in the future. Nobody's dead yet."

I saw people wipping out camera video-taping this brave speech. I smiled. I would later be able to recite them by heart. More people clapped. They began playing thier first song. One off of the newer record. They were better than they've ever been. The crowd loosened up slowly. And unsurly. All of us eventually acting liek any of us would if this weren't the last Sunday Drive show. It went by quickly. But we held on. Making it last as long as we could.

They journeyed from song to song. Sogns I never loved. But onyl after songs that flocked on mix-CDs shared between me and the person I held onto behind me. His lips grazing my skin when they played. And we smiled at each other. An improvement from before. I closed my eyes. Just lsitening. Never letting my eys stay closed long. I wanted this night to burn a hole in my mind.

Each member stepped up saying a little tihng. Never acknowledging each other much. Until the lead singer pulled the bassist into the hug. During a song that brought tears to our eyes for the beginning of that night. I fought back tears. But I knew across the room that eyes were going to start spouting rivers. No eye would be dry by the last song.

The singer came onstage iwth jsut a guitar. An acoustic one. And he played the first track of the first record. I felt my body stiffen shorlty after Bennett's. Bracing ourselves for a song that made our hearts sink slowly. One we loved so much. Not our favorite. A close second or third. But he kissed my eck. And we listened.

It didn't get too hot. It was comfortable. Pressed agaisnt each other and complete strangers. We were all friends tonight. We were all just people. We weren't by any name. We were jsut people who had the ability to feel and wear our living hearts on our sleeves.

They played twenty songs. The lead singer playign a few acosutically. They kept tlaking. And kept playing. We all let our hearts sing along. And soon the crowd hummed words quietly along. We all listned and let music be out drug and our remedy and our love for tongiht as we said goodbye to this one band.

The last song the lead singer came out. "So, this is one that's really personal for me. All of you will recognize it. I know you will. But it's a goodbye. To a close friend of mine. She died, and it was so sudden. And it hurt a lot. I never said goodbye to her. And I loved her. So if you're here tonight, with someone you love imagine that person being taken away. I don't know if tongiht is anything liek that for all of you. With us leavign you, but we owe the world to you. I've done more than anyone woudl ever expect. You guys are amazing. I want to say thanks. For everyone here tongiht. And who listened to us. This is the last track of our first accomplishment as individuals and as a band. And I want to say thanks for taking that and giving us more purpose than we ever could expect. We love you too. We don't want to desert you. But this is how the universe is sometimes. Thank you."

And he started playing. The last track. Of their first record.

Without a word we both moved. Holding ach other. Standing close together. The crowd inched away. Giving us space. A halo around us. And we held each other. Watching the lead singer perform our favorite song.

I closed my yes and felt his arms. The song filling me and all my holes. I held him tight. Knowing only what his arms felt like around me. I had this feeling. I wasn't letting go. He couldn't make me- no force could. I promsied myself I wouldn't cry then. Because of this song. But I swallowd hard. I heardpeople crying. It was as if strangers held each other. Embracing one another taking the hot tears or cold ones seeing no difference between their tears and ther person's beside them. But to me that moment it didn't mean anything to me. All I needed to feel happiness right then was him. His heart beating into my ear. Steady for me. The most reliable sound in the universe. I squeezed my eyes. They stung like a wound rubbed with salt. I felt a tug and they all came out. The first time I cried since the worst day of this past year. When I thought I was in love. Everything fast forwarding until now. Holding onto Bennett. And I swallowed a lump in my throat. He tipped my chin up so he could look in my eyes. The song not even passed the first chorus.

He knew I was crying. He smiled wiping my tears away. And there was nobody I would have rather been with. Nobody i'd rather spend forever with. And forever for tongiht was this one song. This song that lasted longer in my memory than any other could. We watched. Listening. I felt incredible. A smile on my lips. Easing me into a warm feeling. One that carrssed me and my healed heart. It had been healed for so long.

And now here I was.

With Bennett Williams. With this feeling.

And we lsitened to our favorite song in silence. The corwd sang along. But we were silent. We heard a soft sob not far off. My tears had dried to quickly. And we listened. The crowd in perfect harmony with the real singer. That last time I ever heard a song like this play live effecting our hearts all in harmony as the words were escaping form the mouths of the people around me. It was even better with this feeling. New and pulsing in my body.

And I was with Bennett. The only thing that mattered. But I've said that already.

* * *

We were outside. He held my face. Looking at me. I laughed quietly. Trying to pull away and wipe my damp eyes. He did that for me. "Sorry..." I said softly.

"You look beautiful." He said softly. Kissing me softly. We were under a streetlight- a foreign one. But we were washed out by the gold color tonight. He looked at me. His sweet brown eyes holdign contact with mine. "Elisa-" His words were interrupted.

"Hey." It was Paul. He walked up to us. He hadn't cried obviously. He nodded coming up to us. He seemed depressed even by this. "Good show."

"It was amazing." I said quietly.

"The best they've ever been." Bennett sighed. We all looked around at each other silently at a loss for words. "Where's Rainie?"

Paul pointed bakc ot the building. "Inside." He said. I could only imagine what the show had done to her. Listening to the soft sobs I wondered if any of them were hers. But all were so bitter and ugly. Hers- even though it would have been sobbing more or less- I would imagine to be fragile and still pretty like she was. It's something expected.

"Oh," Bennett said softly.

"We'll be hearing about tongiht for a while." Paul said looking around. The parking lot was fun of soft cries. A funeral.

We nodded in agreement.

I could never forget the next moment. She emerged unannounced ten yards away. Her eyes not swollen but worn form crying. We all looked at her. She looked so fragile and worn. Her eyes waterign as her eyes met Paul's. He looked bakc at Bennett and nodded. And Bennett moved closer to me and we watched. Like it was poetry flashing before our eyes. I saw her eyes just well up with tears yet again. Illustrating the beauty in falling apart in a fragile dance where she buckled into his arms. He held her together though. In a way I never knew was possible for any human being, hero, or life. They were meant together. He held her together. In a way I would have watched thinkign baout them. And how beautiful they were together. But tongiht everytihng was different.

Watching them, I thought about Bennett and I.

She cried softly into his arms. And he spoke softly to her. Making her shaking subside. We left. Not watchign them anymore. Like they were a movie. Although some people form far away had. And he moved his arm around me waist and we walked ot his car.

Sittign in silence. Staring at the dashboard. He smiled pathetically. "Do you know what I jsut thought of?" He asked.

"No," I said softly.

"The first promise we ever made to each other," He said. "Or you to me at least- was to hear their first record on vinyl." I smield weakly. He reached over touching my hand. He looked at me so softly. I saw it in his eyes. His fingers brushed mine, smootihng my skin softly. I felt no fear staring back into hsi eyes. Any barrier was gone. I knew exactly what he was thinking. He knew what I was.

"Tonight," I said quietly.

He smiled. And leaned close to me and ksised me. His lips warm and soft and fitting mine. Made for mine. We kissed until we finally pulled out of that parking space and left. Driving in the silence we always hated. Knowing it didn't matter to us anymore. We had each other to fight it. Never would my life ever feel silent again after this show.

And like always... we ended up behind a red door.

* * *

I sat against the side of his bed. him agaisnt the wall. The record player at his side. Spinning. Completeing any hole left form this band. And filling it beofre the song was over. It was more beautiful than anything I have ever heard. Harmony and beauty. Perfection. All in one. An hour and a half of perfection. I kept lookign at him smiling. He smiled back. Our smiels weak and cruved lines. But they existed under that word better than any other.

The songs crept by. Eating away and finally truly killing silence for both of us. Quiet. Silence. Loneliness. Died all that night. In front of us. In our hearts. We finally found what we always searched for. A noise to fill the emptiness left behind by the Silent War we could never stop fighting. Until then. It was the beat of all of our favorite Sunday Drive songs. The tempo to all I ever could love. It was the msot reliable sound in the world.

The last song he stood up softly. Not ot shake the record player. And he came over sitting beside me. He looked at me. His sweet eyes filling mine. Silently he leaned in. Pressing his lips gaisnt mine. I closed my eyes. Kissing him back. My hands in his hair. and we kissed. Staying silent and stiff. So the music was still the same. And we fell back onto the floor gently. Silent. Not moving. Just kissing. My heart pounding in my chest. Picking up speed.

But all record end. Even if we never ask the mto. They always must. They never last forever. But he got up. Walking over to it. I stood up too. Wathcing him. He restarted the record. Coming back over to me. Pressing his lips softly to mine yet again. But his aiming wasn't to my lips. The corner of my mouth he kissed. I turned my lips searching for his. And we kissed. The record starting once more. And we were silent and soft. I fell back. Knowing he would fall with me. I felt myself fall for him all over again.

* * *

I felt his arms around me. His legs tangled with mine. I tipped my face up to see him. His eyes were open. Soft grey circles were around them. I smield softly. "Did you sleep at all?" I asked.

He smiled back softly. "Yes," He said. Our voice whispers.

"Go to sleep." I pressed my lips agaisnt his. "You're mother's not going ot know what you were up to last night if you don't sleep at all."

He smield still. "She's on a vacation." He said. "I can sleep all weekend." He kissed me again. His lips soft and warm. I closed my eyes. Turning so I was back to where I was just a few hours ago.

"Go to sleep." I said softly. I held his face. And he blinked. His eyelids heavy, and he fought the weight now on them. They stayed closed for a few seconds before opening. I smiled warmly. His eyes still sweet and brown, but he needed sleep. In a few minutes he left this fight. His breathes even. I moved burying my face into his chest. Listening to his heart. Now normal. Keeping time with his breathes.

I held him tight. We were two people. Broken in small ways. Ways we knew not how to fix. And we were brought together. By the record playing spinning silently across the room- the record we shared first conversation over, and continued conversations with, and appeared on mix-CDs and conversations to follow them, and on pages in books, and in our hearts as we lsitened to them aloen and together, and made love to just a few short hours ago, and listened to as the silence killing us lost the Silent War. I listened to his heartbeat. My own in sync with his and always will be. I closed my eyes inhaling the smell of his skin and the evenness of his breathes as he finally slept. I breathed with him. My lungs filling and emptying as we shared air.

I felt my heart alive and strogn in my chest. Sendign warmth through my body with the love that manifested within it.

i could only fight sleep just as strongly and victoriusly as he could. In a few short moments I'd slip away into unconciousness same as him. Only to wake up as sunlight cut warm lines in my arm as it peeked in seeing us asleep through the blinds. Waking up to a silently playing record and his eyes closed and his heart so reliable and sweet in my ear- there was no better way to awake. Or feel. Or know. Or be.

I was alive. Fully and finally. He had breathed the last breathes of life I needed to complete my transformation last night. It was final and could never be forgotten. I was alive.

For the first time in my life. I lived for something. And was aware of it. I was falling in love.

* * *

**A/N: What were you feeling? Did we ride the same rollercoaster? Review Review Review. Everyone please. It doesn't take much. One button a few keys pressed. A few words. It's never too much. I've written 3,604 for you. A few form you is not too much to ask. Review Review Review.**

* * *


	67. Chapter 67

Chapter 67

I woke up at a more resonable time. I moved away from him to look at him. His eyes flickered open. "Sorry," I said softly. But she msiled leaning forward and kissing me. His hair was a mess and he looked exhausted. But he kissed me. His lips soft and sweet agaisnt mine. When my lips parted against his he moved away slowly. Smiling again. Touching my face.

"Goodmorning," He said softly.

I smiled a little. I was still tired. But he looked worse. The circles around his eys were still there. He kissed my forehead. His breathe warm on my skin. My legs still tangled with his. His house was silent. It didn't bother me anymore. I looked into his eyes. Glazed sweet brown color. He was more tired than I was. "I should go." I said softly.

He didn't say anything. Just moved his arms around me. His hands sliding loosely into my hair. Pulling me agaisnt him again. Tight. Not showing signs of letting go. He inhaled and exhaled. I closed my eyes. "Stay, please." He said softly. "For me."

"I will," I said. I didn't want to go. My mtoher was gone for the weekend to. She'll be home tonight. Spending all last afternoon lecturing me on resposibility and trust and maturity. I smield weakly. This was far from where she wanted me to be right now. She had been on edge since I told her about Dave and I. Not knowing what I was doing and calling the home phone- forwarded to my cell phone- even thoguh I was always too tired to answer or asleep in Bennett's arms. Now wasn't any different.

We had never discussed this. Never planned it. And never insinuated it. It just happened. And it was beautiful. My first time with Dave didn't count anymore to me.

He kissed the top of my head. Smoothing his hands across my back. Running it over the clasp of my bra. I kept my eyes open. Feeling my eyelids brush his skin. His arms were warm. They always were. We didn't say much for a while. Staying silent. "Bennett?" I whispered.

"Mmm."

I couldn't get the words out. So I just kept my mouth shut. Closing my eyes. And trying not to fall asleep again. I didn't have to sleep I was jsut tired. I understood why he had stayed up all night.

* * *

I reached for my shirt. But he came up behind me. Dressed much quicker than I was. Sliding his hands around my waist and tugging me against him. I whirled around and faced him. He leaned in and kissed me. The record still spinning silently. "Do you still think you should go?" He asked agaisnt my cheek.

"No." I said softly.

And he held me in his arms. He never wanted me to leave him ever. But it came into my mind again. He would leave me. Not me leave him anyway. I held him tighter. I never wanted him to leave me ever.

After I pulled my shirt on over my head I watched him take the record off of the record player. Sliding it back into the slim skin of it. I tugged my fingers thorugh my hair. I felt like I needed to shower. My hair was a little knotted. I kept pullling my fingers through it. He put the record back in it's place in one of his crates. I looked at the clock.

"You're not doing anything today?" He asked.

I shook my head. "I'm yours for the day I guess."

He smiled. "I'm glad practice was cancelled." He said. "What do you want to do?"

"Anything," I said. "Can I jsut have and hour to go home and change and shower first?"

He made a bad pouting face. Adn I laughed. He moved his hands around my waist, burying his face into my neck. "We could shower together." He said jokingly. I put my hands on his chest pushing him away smiling.

"No," I said. "One hour. I think we can handle that."

"I don't." He said softly. I rolled my eyes smiling. "Okay," He said. He let go of me. Grabbing his keys form the table close by. "Come on."

* * *

One hour anf fifteen minutes later we were sittign at IHOP. Not knowing anywhere else to go. We sat in the mostly empty restaurant. Drinking coffee and eating pancakes that tasted strangly sweet today and better than I ever thought they could. We heard that someone on the cooking staff retired yesterday, but somehow I knew that a staff change wasn't why.

He covered his hands with mine a lot. We were happy. A sick feeling was in the back of my head. Now these days were numbered by only one countdown. I wondered again if he knew this already. If he was thinking about this last night when he wasn't asleep. Or if I was jsut a girl in high school that will turn into Elisa-stories.

I had a feeling he'd never be Bennett Williams-stories. He'd be Bennett. Who I owed everything to.

But I still stayed aware that I was with him now. Enjoying the moments when we would just stay silent looking at each other thinking secret thoughts. Hiding them by looking away whenever someone got close to reading them- because now when I looked into his eyes I knew what he was thinking about.

We stayed longer. Nobody annoying us or pacing. Or stopped offering us coffee. We were still tired. But by now we were awake. Our eyes wide and aware of this morning turning to noon suddenly halfway thorugh. "Hey guys!" We both looked to see Jonah. He ignored the waitress and speed-walked over to our table. Sliding in next to me.

"How was the hsow last night?" He asked. He reached over towards the cups of coffee. "Which is which?"

Bennett pushed Jonah the empty one. He shrugged dumping half of Bennett's into it. hen some of mine. I exchanged a look with Bennett. "I called Paul- was with Rainie-" He looekd up raising his eyebrows up and down quickly. "But... I was driving by, saw your car. How was the show?"

"Good," Bennett said. "You missed the best show I've ever seen."

His eyebrows went up. "That good?"

"Yeah," I said. I moved my cup away from Jonah, knowing he'd down his coffee quickly and go for a refill before a waitress noticed the addition to our table.

"Damn," he said. "Stupid Sunday Drive fans. Swiped my ticket."

"You didn't even want to go until last minute." Bennett said rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, well-" Jonah looked over suddenly. "Hey, so Mike and I were listening to the demo you and PAul did acoustically. Fucking love it man. It soudns so different." He nudged me. "You got this guy wrapped around your finger, baby."

I laughed. "Thanks, Jonah." I siad. Bennett laugehd took. His hand in front of his mouth. "I haven't heard this yet."

"You have to!" Jonah said. "Next practice- fuck 'groupie free' brign her along to hear the demo. Rainie will probably be there too anyway. Paul stopped enforcing that whole-" He did air quotes "'_Groupie Free'_ practices anyway."

"It's not even good." Bennett said. "We just ran through it with Mike's shitty demoing stuff."

"Still good tohugh." He took out his watch. "Damnit, I have to drive my sister to soccer." He jumped up. Downing the last of his coffee before saying goodbye. Leaving me and Bennett alone again.

He covered my hand with his. And didn't say anythign about what Jonah had said. I made the silent decision to go to the next band practice.

When we left we went and drove to that pond we always went to. And we played records. Avoiding the Sunday Drive ones. Stuck in a heavy denial. But he played a Dashboard Confessional one. Pulling me close to him- he kissed me. We kissed through "Hands Down" and onto the next track. I felt my heart racing. But I kept my hands in his hair. And his arms stayed jsut around me.

We understood each other I realized. We always jsut understood.


	68. Chapter 68

Chapter 68

I went to the practice. Sitting on the lumpy couch in Mike's garage next to Rainie. She seemed quieter. Watching Paul silently. Not distracting him as h and Bennett went about making the acosutic song into one for their band. One afternoon they spent. Taking breaks here and there so PAul and Bennett could talk things over.

Mike sat in between Rainie and me. He sighed leaning back. "God I feel like the man right now." He said. Jonah laughed out loud.

"Is this the closest you've been to girls, Mike?" Jonah asked. He sipped his energy drink.

Mike didn't care. "Aww, don't listen to him Mike." I said smiling.

"That's why you're my favorite Elisa." He said.

"What about me?" Rainei asked. She was quieter but she was still the same.

He looekd at her. "Sorry," He said. She looked at him- lettign her jaw drop which turned into a smile hitting him firmly in the rib. "Jerk!" She said smiling. "What if I would dump Paul for you?"

He dramatically looked at the ceiling considering this. He looekd at her again. "Sorry," He said. "I like a challenge."

Jonah snorted and Rainei and I laughed. Alex came back in from his car. And sat quietly on his little yellow lawn chain slightly disconnected form us. Paul and Bennett moving onto sometihng else. Not even listening to Rainie nagotiate with Mike. It didn't matter. They were into whatever they were doing.

Jonah plopped down on the couch next to me. "Hey, Eh-lisa." He said. "What's up?"

"Nothing," I said. "Just sitting here."

"Hey! Me too!"

"Cool!"

Bennett and Paul finally took a break. "Hey!" Bennett said. "Stop hitting on my girlfriend."

Jonah looked at Bennett. "At least I'm just hitting on her. Little Mikey over here's nagotiating an affair with Mrs. Spinella." Jonah reached behind my flicking Mike's head.

"Hey!" He said loudly.

He reached over trying to hit Jonah. I got off of the couch, so I wasn't hit by accident. I stood next to Bennett listening to them fight. He kissed my temple. Moving his hand to my lower back. I moved closer to him. Rainie somehow ended next to Paul. Mike pinning Jonah down on the couch. We all watched. Even Alex. From his little yellow lawn chair.

"Do you want to hear the song?" He asked me.

"Sure," I said.

He went over gettign a CD from a little case and I followed him out to his car. I sat in the passenger seat leaving the door open, my legs dangling out. He put it into his CD player, putting away _The Places You Have come to Fear the Most_ by Dashboard Confessional back where it belonged in his glove compartment. He hit play, and adjusted the volume a little.

The chords were somewhat the same. In different keys with the same tone. They weren't the same. And it didn't make me feel the same. But it was that song. The one that I heard in a crowded auditorium for the first time. When he sang to me. I listened. Looking at him, who was watching my reaction carefully. I smiled a little looking back out at the street, his car parked in the front facing the dead end. It felt like spring. You could hear Mike and jonah yelling. And a burst of laughter- Rainie's with Paul's underneath. And it was perfect.

The song wasn't the same. But it was in a small way. It said what he meant it to say. It sounded newer. It sounded real. When it ended, I leaned over and kissed him. Pressing my lips agaisnt his. His hands moving to my face. My hands were in his hair. And we just kissed. And I closed my eyes. My lips moving along with his. He moved his hands to my wrists and held them there so when we stopped I stayed close. My legs in the car in his direction. And our faces inches apart.

I smiled. "I like it." I said.

"It's not the same." He said.

"It still is a little." I said.

Then he ran his finger on my skin. Brushing it lightly. He leaned in again kissing me. We heard a loud crash. "Rain..." It was Paul. We heard it muffled and softly, but we moved apart both looking in the direction of the garage.

He took my hand in his. "Do you still think we're not beating Rainie and Paul?" He asked.

I sighed. "No," I said. He let his shoulder sink in an overacted dissapointed reaction. "We're getting close." He kissed me again. Before we went back in. Paul kissed Rainie on her forehead as we walked in. Mike sitting behind his drums. Hitting his snare. Jonah had the heavy set of headphones on and Alex watched Bennett and I walk by.

Groupie Free Practices were finally abolished.

* * *

It was the Friday after next. The battle of the bands tihng in Natick. Leaving the guys practicing every afternoon. When I wasn't working I'd stop by. Rainie would be there. And we'd sit on a lumpy couch watching. They were really good. But I didn't go to practices for a long time. They practiced my song a lot. Gettign it down quickly. It was simple to play.

But it sounded so good. It just never was the same exact one I remember so clearly. When we're just in his room he'll play the old chords. He jsut won't sing. I'd listen. Memorizing them- so I'd never forget how it alwyas used to sound.

There were a few other kids. Bennett Williams fans who would come to hear the new band play a little and leave. They were some of his friends. They all said the same things and if they stayed for a break they'd talk to Paul and Bennett and sometimes Jonah and Mike about everything. Alex just sat on his little yellow lawn chair and watched.

School was going well. And Cass and Miles were a cheesy couple. Bennett and I were perfect. Better than that actually. We were inseperable and invincible. It just hurts a lot. Because before I was just happy. Knowing he would be going. Now I was only anticipating for the end. Falling in lvoe with him slowly and painfully. I kept it to myself. Everything. I didn't want anybody to know. Because we'd break up in June or over the summer. And I just hoped it would all go away.

I kept seeing Dave. His eyes on me as I would walk by. Or across the cafeteria. I looked away. He wouldn't go away entirly I knew that. But we were nothing now. I didn't waste all that time on him anymore it felt. It seem centuries ago. And I had everything I had once thoguht I had and more than I ever expected.

I know the universe will end the way it should be. I can't change anything.


	69. Chapter 69

April.

Chapter 69

It was the first few days of April. And after a few days of stress it had finally happened. We were sitting all in a big room full of scary punk-rockers and goth and hair-metal kids. I sat next to Bennett who leaned agaisnt a desk. His fingers tracing and going over my hand. As evveryone just stood there. Their first show. The drive to Natick had been a little boring. My mother wanted me home before eleven and so I drove alone and Bennett drove in Jonah's van with everyone except for Rainie and Paul because there was only enough room for one person.

I needed to go home early.

Amber was home for this weekend but I had missed her coming home. She had been e-mailing me telling me everything has gone great with Tyler and how she thinks he's really different. I think that means something good. Cass and miles was somewhere else. Maybe seeing a movie. And I sat doing not much of anything but we waited for their one song. Even though Bennett said a thousand times the competition was stupid and they just wanted to play a show. I wanted to be there. I was looking forward to it. I didn't want to go home early. I wanted to stay with him.

My mother was suspicious about everything I said or did. I din't care anymore. I just needed ot be with Bennett. It wasn't a want becuase I knew in the end the mroe I wanted to be with him it'd hurt me more in the end. But I needed to see him. Be with him. It was something like breathing. I needed to do it. I needed to be near him. And he seemed to feel the same way.

They came up with a name. It was narrowed down to two. Cellar Door from the movie _Donnie Darko_ which was Jonah's favorite movie. He was Frank the Bunny for Halloween for the past three years. And then there was Red Letter Day. Which was what they chose indefinatly for the time beign after the Get Up Kids song off of _Something to Write Home About._ I liked it a lot.

Jonah checked his watch religiously. Anxiously. His leg jiggling like I never noticed it did all the time. He looked around at this punk rocker. Eyeing Rainie. Sometihng she was unaware of. As well as Paul. Who was just discussing sometihng with Mike. Rainie jumping in here and there.

Jonah started checking his watch more frequently. The noise level was so loud and the ceiling was shaking because the crowd was up above us. I was afraid it would collapse on us. Bennett and I kept shooting nervous glances upwards. And in a few minutes. "We got to go up now." Jonah announced.

Everyone nodded. Bennett kissed my forehead. His lips agaisnt my skin. He brush hair out of my eyes. "Wish me luck." He said.

I smiled. "You don't need it." I kissed him. Pressing my lips against his.

They left Rainie and I alone. We went up in the direction of the general admission floor. I looked around. Seeing four differnt guys staring at us. I think they were more starign at Rainei than me. I went up the stairs following her. To the loud dark room. We stood in the back near the quiet insecure kids who went for the music than the expirience of this.

She got up on her tip-toes. "I can see Paul." She said loudly to me.

I looked up seeing PAul underneath the lights tuning his guitar. And then Jonah came out- Mike suddenly appearing behind his drumset. And then Alex. Bennett came out last. He came out. Nobody really cheers right after people walked out except for a few drunk people in the middle.

Bennett pushed hair out of his eyes looking around. He couldn't see me. His eyes darting around for me. "Hey, we're Red Letter Day," He said. There were some cheers. The crowd going silent waiting.

I crossed my arms, feeling a draft coming down. They were only chills I think. In my head. But he looked at Mike. I watched Bennett carefully. Mike started playing. The drumbeat coming out. The easy part. Then Paul jumped in. Jonah shortly after. Palyign a rift Paul came up with yesterday at practice. He played it smoothly. Thank god. Jonah wasn't gettign it just right yesterday. Alex played something I couldnt even hear. The past few singers could barely be heard because of the sound equipment.

But simotaniously- everyone stopped playign expect for Paul. And occasioanlly Jonah. I watched him carefully. He gave up searching for me. Clsoed his eyes. Leaned int othe microphone. There was a tense second. He started singing. Singing to me in a room too crowded to find me. And he was amazing.

You could hear his voice rise above everything. And the crowd was great to them. They were better than anyone I'd ever seen I swear. A new band at least. I smiled a little. Rainie looking at me her eyes wide. The song was four minutes. It was my song. The one he played in the Variety Show. It was the same song. The same skeleton and he never meant it more than tonight. It was how he sang.

I forgot aobut June or the end of the summer.

* * *

It was impossible finding them but for me to get home in time I had to leave right then. When I saw him I jsut went up and kissed him. He was a little sweaty and he didn't hesitate. He kissed me back pulling me tight into his arms. He kissed me. And we were the only two people in the world.

We moved away he smiled. "Elisa-"

"Hey, Elisa," It was Jonah. "You leaving now right?"

Bennett looked at him in this blank way. I looked back ot Jonah. "Yes," I said.

"Do you mind giving me a ride?" He asked. His cell phone in his hand. "I live really close to you guys."

I smiled politely. "Sure," I didn't mind at all. Bennett let go of me. Still standing close to me. Jonah smiled thankign me saying he just needed to grab his stuff they'd take his guitar and stuff in the van. I looekd back at Bennett. He was watching Jonah walking away. "You guys were amazing." I said enthustically.

"Really?" He said his msiled gone. He looked insecure. "We sounded off to me."

"You were so good." I said smiling.

"I couldn't find you." he said. "Where were you and Rainie?"

"In the back," I said. "If you don't win I'll be completely shocked."

He smield sweetly at me. Kissing my forehead again. "Thank you," He said. "Are you sure you have to go?"

I nodded. "Yeah," I said. "But call me tonight?"

"I promise." He said. I leaned up and kissed him. Closing my eyes and kissing him.

Jonah shouted to me. "Come on, you can be all over each other tomorrow. I need to go Elisa. I got places to go and people to see."

"When are you going to stop using those fucking awful quotes?" Paul asked. "You're overdoing it."

Jonah just grinend at him. And then waved for me to come on. I kissed Benentt once, pulling away with his lips still waiting for more of a goodbye. "Bye," I said quickly. "Goodnight." He said. Forcing a quick smile. Jonah grabbed my arm dragging me away. But Bennett smiled- and I looked back at him until I fear Jona hwas leading me into something dangerous that would result in a 'Guys... you won't believe what happened to me and Elisa...' tomorrow or the next day.

* * *

"You only have one Saves the Day CD in here?" He asked sharply. "What has he got you listenign to now? I thought you were cool Elisa. You have offended music." Riding with Jonah alone was like riding with a movie cartoon character. You couldn't do anything but smile and agree with him and laugh it off. He was too cartoon-ish to be annoying.

He put on another CD. Then he went back ot my little car collection. "So, you and Ol' Ben are gettin' serieux, huh?" I looked at him. He took this as a need for translation. "Serieux if French for serious."

"I take French," I said. "And I don't know."

"That's what they all say, baby." He sang turning back to his search for his own approved music. "So, should I wait for Rainie to dump Paul or you to dump Ol' Benny?"

I laugehd a little. "Why would you wait for either?" I asked.

He rolled his eyes for dramatic effect. "Duh... I mean I'm single, I want to know who I'm waiting for."

I shrugged.

"Hah! So you and Bennett are getting serieux!" He said pointign at me quickly. "Oo-ooh. Elisa, why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?" I asked looking at him.

He settled down a little. "Just kidding," He said. He flipped thorugh another few CDs. He has gone over them again and again. "He doesn't talk a lot to Sean about these things, or even me- but I have an unbelievable sense of hearing and heard him and Paul talking. I'm not telling you what he said... _but_ let's jsut say you and Bennett are a more functional Kerrington fairy-tale." I looekd at him. My ears and reaction dripping with disbelief. "Okay-" He said if I was forcing him at gunpoint. "-so I'll summarize- you've metaphorically gotten the Brad Pitt of Kerrington wrapped around your finger."

"Really?" I said. "The Brad Pitt huh?" I turned onto a street passing a 'Welcome to Kerrington: Home of the 1996 Little League World Series Champions Team: The Bears.' The Bears lost thier first games easily. But it's all Kerrington is nationally known for.

"Yup," He said. He flickered his eyebrows up and down. "So what do you think: should I wait for you or Rainie?"

"Neither," I said. "I'd never date you."

He clasped his chest. "That hurt Elisa." He looked back to my CDs. "Rainie it is!"

I laugehd lightly again. Turning again.

"So how were we tonight?" He asked. "Explosive right?"

"Exactly." I said. "Explosive."

He smiled to himself. Putting on another CD. "I have to say- I like you a lot better than his last girlfriend." He said. "What a whore... her name was Christine- God, she's fucked his life up so much. Told her to stay out of his life then the whole Rainie thing-" He looked at me. "You know about the Rainie thing right?"

I nodded. "Yeah,"

"Yeah," He sighed. "You got some cool points under your belt little Miss Elisa." He looked up. "Take this left."

"I'm glad I have some cool points." I said following his directions.

"It's a good thing," He said. "I live on Barnestable Street," He pointed. "Right here. Number 34."

I stopped out front. "See you," I said.

"Well, thank you Eh-lisa." He put my CDs back. "I owe you a ride somewhere. Hopefully next time you will have improved your selection on CDs. Or if I give you a ride I shall educate you. Enlighten you perhaps. But see yah'"

"Bye Jonah," I said laughing a little.

He opend the door swinging his legs out and jumping out. I watched him walk up ot his front door, he had a bouncey step and I pulled away. Going home and sitting in my room. To get a phone call at one in the morning telling me they had won the whole battle of the band. I was happy for him. And told him about my interesting ride home with Jonah.

I try not to hate my mother so much, but I wish I had been there.


	70. Chapter 70

Chapter 70

I sat at the dinner table. My mother talking about work ot Amber who was payng no attention like I was. I rolled my peas across my plate and poked my half burnt chicken. Something my mother and Amber had made. I looked up at the chadelier. As my mother dragged on retelling the scandal about people stealing free personal copies or whatever it was she was talking about. She finished. and we fell silent. The clinking on silverware to dish was all that was heard. Echoeing through our stainless steel kitchen all the wya form our attached dining room.

"I ran into Mrs. Mandeville today," My mother said. Not sure if it was safe to bring up- it was- it just was random. "Dave's band was in this battle of the bands this weekend in Natick."

I looked up. "I know," I said. "Bennett's band won it."

"Really?" Amber said excitedly. "They're that good?"

I nodded.

My mother was shot down yet again. "Where is Bennett tonight?" She's been uncharacteristically nice to Bennett the last times he's accidentally run into her with me. She's been friendly and polite. Fake as plastic. She's trying to make me happy with her. But I think it's good he thinks she doesn't hate him.

"Home," I said.

"Did you have plans?" She asked.

"Yes," I said. "But I had to cancel." She had announced a family dinner. Amber had plans even. With her old high school friends. And I was going over Bennett's. She forced us to cancel.

She nodded. "He's a nice boy." She said. "He's a senior right?"

I stiffened. "Yes," I said quieting my voice.

"So he's graduating this year?" She said.

I nodded again staring at my burnt little piece of chicken. I hated her. She started another question. Something that involved "What do you plan-" and pushed my chair back. "I'm not feeling good," I said. "Can I go to my room, please?"

My mother jsut looked at me blinking. She looked at my plate. Barely touched, little eaten. And then nodded. "Okay," And I went up to my room. Their eyes on me. Two pairs of matching blue eyes. I went up the stairs and to my room alone. Getting my phone easily and laying down on my couch. I dialed his number.

"Hello?"

I closed my eyes hearing his voice. "Hi," I said.

"I thought you were having a 'family night' tonight." He said.

I sighed. "I coulnd't handle it." I said. "I don't like my mother right now."

I heard him smile. "Can you leave your house?" He asked.

"I don't know," I said sitting up. "Maybe."

"I could meet you halfway..." He said. "If you can get out."

"How long should I wait before I leave?" I asked smiling.

* * *

I jsut called to them. Saying I was going out, my mother starting ot ask with who but I shut the door wincing. Wondering if I chould answer her. I didn't hate my mother. It's jsut that she's making everything so painful and impossible. I started walking. It was somewhat warm out. Feeling like April.

There is always that corner I turn. Sometimes I beat him, sometimes he beats me. Tonight I beat him, and kept walking down the strip of sidewalk. I was almsot rounding the other corner when he did. Smiling when he saw me and we went up to each other. He kissed me. His lips soft agaisnt mine. "Hi," He said.

"Hey,"

He kissed me again. We don't kiss anymore than we did before the Sunday Drive concert. We haven't slept with eahc other sicne then either. We just seem more connected. We understand each other more. We don't have anything really to hide from each other- except for me. I hide what I want to say most.

He took my hand and we started walking down Cherry Street. All the houses lit up with people eating dinner and watching TV. We just talk. I tell him all the annoying things my mother did. And he tells me how nostalgic his mother is. Not even noticing how that half of this conversation effects me. But it makes going ot his house more entertaining because there is usually a few more pictures of him as a dorky cute little kid who smiled to hard for pictures.

The big smile he had in first grade is everywhere when you see him before he hit four and a half feet. Even on this little kids roller coaster with his cousin he is flaunting that huge smile on a drop. His cousin pointing to the camera for him. As Jonah once said about this subject: "Screw being a musician, you should have been a model." We had this conversation once at a band practice. Rainie bringing up a picture of Paul on the cover of a phonebook in a speedo. Which lead to Jonah and Mike remembering it, searching for it for twenty mintues, and showing Rainie for the first time. Leading to Jonah telling Paul he should have gone for the model life as well.

We went up to his room. And sat on the floor with ou backs leaning agaisnt the side of his bed. Talking still. Turns out Red Letter Day is going to play a few parties now and a gig at the Church. "Did you like your song?" He asked me for the first time.

I smiled. "Yes," And he kissed me shortly. "I loved it."

He smiled. Looking at me queitly. I kissed him again. And he started kissing me back. "I'm glad you liked it." He said softly. Taking my hand into his. He kissed the corner of my mouth. "That was hours of hard practicing. I worked very hard on singing that song right for you."

I smiled. Starting ot say something, but he just kissed me. Pulling me closer against him. Tickling me by accident, or on purpose. I laughed quietly against his lips. My cell phone started ringing. I started pulling away. Laughing. He finally let go of me. I answered moving over ot the window where I only got service. "Hello?"

"You're killing her," It was Amber. "God, the poor woman just wants you to like her again."

"Is she mad?" I asked.

"No," Amber sighed. "She's a huge bitch to you though. Why the fuck would someone bring up Dave? No wonder you jsut left." I heard her close a drawer. "Are you with Bennett now?"

"Yeah," I said. He was listening. Sitting on his bed watching me.

"I wish you were graduating this year kid, at least you'd be getting out of this house."

I heard his phone ring. His house phone. He jumped up. "Be right back," He said going ot get it.

"How are you about him graduating?" She asked probably hearing him talk.

I paused. "Not so good." I said. "I'm going to miss him." My voice getting queit hearing him talking downstairs. I haven't said this to anyone. Amber was the only one I could trust with this right now. "I really like him so that makes it worse."

"I know, kid." She said. "But he probably likes you a ton too. This probably isn't easy for him either."

I nodded. "I know." I felt weird talkign about this in his room. Hearing his voice downstairs.

"Sorry, kid, I got to go." She said. "But when you get home come talk to me."

"Yeah," I said. "I will."

"Cool," She said. "See you later."

"Bye," I said. I shut my phone. Listening to him talking. His voice not changing. It was a humming echoing up the stairs as an even sound. I sat on his bed. Leaving my phone on his bedside table. Looking around at his walls. I closed my eyes and breathed. I felt like crying right now. It was feeling more and more liek I only had a few more months to live.

He came up the stairs. Coming in. He lay down on the bed next ot me. I did the same cuddling next to him. "That was my dad." He said finally.

"Are you okay?" I asked quietly. Hearign a different note in his otne of voice that sent a pang in my chest.

"Yeah," He said. He kissed the top of my head. "Am I causing problems between you and your mother?"

I looked at him. My eyebrows furrowing. "No, why?"

He just looked at me. "Are you sure?" He asked again.

I looked down. Then looked up. "She thinks I'm a bad person now, I think." I said. "Not because of you. Because of the choices I've made about Dave and everything."

He nodded. He kissed my forehead. "You're not a bad person." He said. "You never will be."

I smiled a little. "Is everything okay with you and your dad?"

He nodded. "Yeah," He siad. "Things are alright. We're talking at least. He jsut say this ad in the paper about our band and called me. He lives in Natick, so it was published there. But he calls more. It's jsut a little hard."

I moved back, my head resting agaisnt his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head. I breathed along with him. "What time do you need to be home?" He asked softly.

"Whenever, why?"

He moved so I was lying down on my back. He leaned almost over me. "Jonah told me that you guy's had a fun ride home." He said smiling a little. He kissed me. "Was it mroe fun than a ride home with me?"

I smiled. Thinking. "Yes," I said.

"So you like hanging out with jonah mroe than me, huh?" He said smiling still.

"I guess you could put it that way," I said jokingly. He laughed kissing me. I kissed him back. Afraid I could never get myself to stop.


	71. Chapter 71

Chapter 71

"Elisa," I had only jsut slipped into the front door. Heading upstairs. "Can you come here please?" My mother was sitting on the couch in my living room. She was just sittign there. The TV screen black. And she had a book open in her hands. She shut it marking the page with a coupon for paper towels. I walked in slowly. Ready for Japanese throwing stars to come flying at me nailing me to the wall like fair game.

I stood there. "Sit down." She gestured to the empty couch. The one where I usually lay down on and watched movies with Bennett. And the one I used to lay sick on in elementary school home alone eating Saltines. The one I was most likely going ot be town to shreads in in T-minus eleven seconds. I sat down. Bracing myself.

"What's going on with you?" She said. "I have no idea what's happening." She paused. I didn't say anything. I just remembered sneaking to the top of the stairs to listen to these same questons to be said to Amber. Never me. "You're not my daughter."

I looked at my mother. "How can you say that?" I asked quietly. My voice shaken.

She rubbed her eyes. "Elisa." She said firmly. "You keep pulling stuff like this and you won't ever leave this house."

"Like what?" I asked. "Being with Bennett?"

She sighed looking at me. "What's brought all of this on. If it's not Dave what is it then? Explain it to me." I didn't say anything. "I just want to understand, Elisa. I want to know what's happening under my own roof that I can't seem to grasp. It's not Dave cheating on you, it's not Amber leaving or my job... what is it?"

I swallowed. "Bennett's finally made me happy mom." I said. "I mean all of this stuff after Dad leaving, I jsut tried so hard to make you happy. Make you pleased with me. I was what you wanted me to be. But I found Bennett and I... he jsut made me see that I wasn't doing anything by beign what everyone else wanted me to be. What you wanted me to be. I'm just trying to be myself."

"This isn't-"

"It is mom!" I raised my voice. "This is who I am."

She looked at me. "Sneaking around, dying your hair, and doing who knows what and gettign way to serious over a boy?" My mtoher said. "That's who you are?"

"What does me liking Bennett and caring about have to do with who I am?" I asked. "I mean, he cares more about me than anyone. Dave didn't give a second thoguht baout who I was or how I was. He _regrets_ that now mom! He realized he didn't even know who I am. We jsut dated and kissed. With Bennett we're more than that. I don't love Bennett. Why would you even care?"

She leaned forward. I hadn't realized I had leaned forward towards her but I had somehow. "He doesn't care about you more than I do." She stated.

"Obviously he does if he can see this is who I am." And with that she froze. Her eyes widening. I had just slapped her it seemed. I couldn't take that back. I looked down. "Mom, can't you just try and let me figure everything out on my own?"

"I love you Elisa," She said. "You promised you wouldn't cut me out of your life anymore. And this all happened after you started seeing this boy. I have nothign agaisnt him, I think he's nice. It's jsut I don't know whats happening. I don't want you to do the things Amber did in high school that she's going to regret when she's older."

I looked at my mother. I forced a smile a little. "i'm not doing anything I'm going to regret." I said. "I promise."

My mother's eyes turned into marbles. And I stood up and went up to my room. I curled up into a ball agaisnt the side of my bed. I needed to talk to him. But I couldn't bring myself to move an inch. I just wanted to be small and tiny. I wanted everything to be simpler. I didn't want him to go. I didn't want to be fightign with my mother anymore. I wanted everything jsut to smooth over and make sense.

I closed my eyes. This was all hurting me so much.

* * *

The next morning, my mother came up ot me when I was making coffee for myself. She hugged me. Holding me and squeezing me. It gave me a feeling everything was going to be okay with me and her now. I hugged her back. I had to go to work today. So I left right away driving to Carol's.

Becky wasn't there. This college kid Kyle was. So I jsut served coffee to families who jsut came from Church or something. The little kids of jelly donuts. And thier parents got big cups of coffee. They sat and talked and laughed.

Bennett came in at the end of my shift. He looked at Kyle. Then at me. "Sean and Becky broke up last night," He said.

"No way," I said my eyes widening. I was a little shocked. I mean they were happy the last time I saw them. But maybe not. I didn't know. It was weird hearing it coming from Bennett. He was more shocked than I was.

"I don't know how it happened I jsuttlaked to Sean a little." He said. "He's completely fine though. Says they're just friends now. It's jsut so strange having it actually happen."

I nodded. I looekd at the clock. "My shift just ended." I said. "Do you want to hang out?"

"Yeah," He said. "Do you need to drop your car off at home?"

"Oh, yeah." I said. "I'll drive home fast."

He smiled. I walked around the couter. And he kissed me a little differently. I kissed him back the same, or tried to. Outlasting Sean and Becky was huge. I didn't know why. But something told me it was about graduation becuase later today Sean said that they had just been tlaking baout next year and it happened. Bennett didn't seem nervous about us. Which meant he was thinking about the future too, and feeling the opposite of me.

Which gave me the feeling nothing was going to smooth over the way I wanted it to or hoped for. And I was going ot lose the one thing worth holding onto.


	72. Chapter 72

Chapter 72

In school girls started talking about prom over the next two weeks. I had tlaked ot Becky and she had confirmed it. Sean was going to College. She was stuck in high school. It would never have worked. And Rainie started talking about the colleges she was thinking of going to. They were all close by. I assumed Paul and her would be going to college together. Starting thier lives out of high school together.

Bennett said nothing about college. Ever.

We were at IHOP. Everytihng was the same except I wasn't taking anything for granted. I tried my best to remember what it was like to be there with him with his, or our, friends. I listened to Jonah's story about how he followed these directions for mapquest and ended up in the city the other day. Which I'm not sure could happen becuase nobody does that. But it was Jonah and it's possible I assume. I talked ot Rainie and helped Bennett fill her in on the details of Sean and Becky breaking up.

When I was just listneing to someone talk I felt my hands move to my neck. My mother had pointed this out ot me. I had been doing it unawarily. She had looked across at me for the billionth time. "Why do oyu play with that chain all of the time?"

I never knew I did. But I could feel my hands pick it up and turn the little chain around in my fingertips. Taking int the thin shape of it. And I listened. Once that was pointed out to me. I notced the look on Bennett's face hwen he saw me playing with it. He'd smile a little. and look away. Knowing I was still wearing it, made him porbably feel like I did having it and forgettign it was there around my neck like a part of me.

We were sitting in his room. My mother was gone. His mother was workign althoguh she's been home a lot. I've seen her more and we;ve become somewha friends. I can't imagine her being his mother. She seems so young always. Like an older sister. But somehow I always feel like he lives alone. Same as me.

He picked up his guitar. The one with the Get Up Kids sticker. He started strumming the chords I recognzed of an acoustic version of "I'll Catch You" he was lsitenign to me talk but I began listening to him. He hadn't done this to drown out what I was saying. But he stopped playing when my voice vanished. "What?" He asked.

"Nothing," I said quickly.

He put down his guitar coming over to me. Sitting down beside me. He leaned in and kissed my temple. "Tell me," He said agaisnt my skin.

My heart started racing. I rolled my eyes. "It's dumb." I said.

He moved his arms around my waist. "Everything you say is awe-inspiring." He said. "I belive every word you say." And he kissed my neck once pulling me agaisnt him. I laughed. He looked at me. Holind me so clsoe to him.

Then he kissed me on the lips. Sending me for a loop. I closed my eyes and kissed him. The jaws of life pulled us apart eventually. But who knew the greatest source of power could be exhaustion.

He turned onto his side lookign at me. Leaning his head onto his hand. "Sneak," He said smiling. "I didn't forget. Tell me why you were acting funny again."

"Acting funny" was something he always noticed. Soemthing I could distract him from. I smiled. My hands resting on my stomach. It was so early and I could fall asleep right now. My heart still speeding. Slipping into the exhaustion my whole body was victimized to. I had only slept with him twice before tonight. My eyes closed. He leaned foreward kissing me again.

I forced my eyes open pullign away laughing a little. "You were palying a Get Up Kids song." I said.

He leaned back smiling a little. "I know." He said. His eyes glowing. His face turned into a fake seriousness. "Don't you like that song?"

I smiled shaking my head. He knew it was my favorite. It reminded me so much of him. That's why. My smiled faded and I turned onto my side looking at him too. I felt the chain slip into my fingertips. I played with it. And he smiled watching me.

Moments like this make my heart speed out of control. I can feel it. Everything I felt towards him jsut multiply. It did every moment. Bit by bit. But there were bursts of it now. Here and there. It hurt most then. And he leaned over and kissed my forehead. Touching my face. Just looking at me. I sighed sitting up, reaching over him. I felt insecure. Raw.

He sighed smiling. He said I was always beautiful to him. But there were parts of me that could never change no matter what. I still had my insecurities aroudn the person who wriggled past all of them in a few conversations. He kissed my forehead again.

Falling in love was always easiest when it was hurting me the most.

* * *

**A/N:** _This will be done beofre we hit 80 chapters kids. maybe right aroudn there roughly. I'm sorry this is so long_**.** **Review Review Review. **

_So... I'm basically in my writing best right now. I have this old material I never used. And my mother said somethign really interesting in the car the other day. Which means one thing. *sigh*_ **The first chapter will be up in the next few weeks.** **I'm waiting for that song to hit me. That's what I wait for before I get seious about a story.**_ Elisa and Bennett have one. It's not the title of this story but they have one. And Rainie and Paul have the song that I titled it after. As well as Christopher Drew and Hannah Jane. I'm pretty close. If you guys are into FueledByRamen bands... well then I'll be digging up Pretty. Odd. soon._


	73. Chapter 73

**A/N: I know I promised a new story.**_ But I'm rethinking it._** I won't be starting a new story till I finish all of the stuff on here.** _But I'll finish this story before I post anything else other than this story. I'm so close to the end. It so long. I should have thought more about this than jumping in knowing barely anythign at all. But I've gotten better as a writer and I will be rewriting this eventually. As well as "Perfect Kisses" which I know I have been promising this for forever but I'll stop lying to you eventually._ **So I hope you guys are patient enough to stick around.** **But I've got a lot coming up so my updates will be slower. I promise I'll keep this interesting. **

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* * *

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Chapter 73

We had jsut gone to a show. Bennett and Paul were getting a ride for Jonah who was on three shots of five hour energy shots and was off the walls. And jittery. He had ADD we learned from his brother. I looked at Rainie who had jsut sat back down across form me. She had gotten a call and there was no service here.

"So," I said movign my hands around my cup of coffee. "What are you and Paul planning to do about colleges?"

They had stopped talking about college and maybe hopefully she would tell me if Bennett said anything ot Paul about his college plans or something. I hadn't heard anything. She sipped her coffee. "I actually don't know what Paul plans on doing," She said. "He got excepted to a few schools, same one I'm going to next year, but he hasn't said anything. So I'm not sure yet. What are you and Bennett planning on doing?"

I knew this was coming. I opened my mouth to say I didn't know. "I'm not sure." My voice was so shaky. I was tryign ot get this out. I had been planning this. trying to figure out how much longer I had before he was gone.

She looked at me. She put her mug down. "Elisa," She said. "Bennett- I mean I haven't known him this long, but from all of the shit he's been through he cares about you more than I've ever seen him care baout anyone. He's my friend. And oyu might not believe that, but all those rumors about him cheating with these girls- they're probably true. I was one of them. But I was the last one. And then there was you. He'd never hurt you and he hasn't said anything to Paul or anyone, but sitll, I have a feeling he isn't going to dump you to go to college or something. He cares about you way to much. He's like, in love with you."

I nodded. She was nice. That's who she was. This was the type of pep-talk you give your negative Nancy best friend. "It's just..." I couldn't finish. I paused. "I've been thinking about breaking up with him if it does happen. I don't want to be the one who gets dumped. I know he's going somewhere. I don't want to be the girl in high school holding him back."

She remained silent. I didn't know how she was taking all of this in. But Bennett and Paul came back. Bennett sitting next to me. He moved his arm aroudn to my lower back and kissed my temple. Smiling and saying that Jonah's going to crash in a few minutes hopefully. "What's wrong?" Paul asked Rainie.

She shook her head forcing a smile. "Nothing," She said. And awkward silence fell in over the table. "Hey," Rainie nudged Paul. "What would you do if I tried those five-hour energy shots? Wouldn't that be fun?"

Paul sighed heavily. I smield a little. Sipping my coffee- it had run cold.

* * *

Twelve minutes.

We had driven in Paul's car. They dropped me off first and then drove Bennett home. My mother was gone. And I had been in my room for twelve minutes. That's all. When there was an engine cutting in my driveway. I saw him get out.

I went downstairs opening the door before he was up the stairs. "Hi," I said. I had seen his face. Something was wrong. "What's-"

He puth is hands in his pockets looking down. His skin washed out under the porch light like I remembered once. his eye healed but the look on his face was so familiar form that night. "What Rainie said you said to her... is it true?" He asked. Looking at me.

"Yes, but-"

"Elisa," He said suddenly. "Why didn't you come talk to me?"

"I don't know..." I said softly. My voice trailing off. I felt sick in my stomach. I looekd at him. His eyes down. His skin almost shined. His clothing dark and his flesh washes out to a pale shade. I closed my mouth.

He swallowed. Looking at me. "Then if it's what you want," He said. "I think we should break up now."

I felt my spine snap. Pain shocked through my body. My head floated away. And I felt hot water replace my blood in a quick second. Then the force that had broken my spine moved throguhout my body killing every bone or support I had. Traveling towards somethign through the hot water in my veins. My jaw was the second to break. Silencing me. He didn't wait thoguh. He kept going.

"I don't want to Elisa," He said. "But if you can jsut break up with me out of the blue... you said this meant everything. And for the past two years all of my relaitonships and feeling have been manipulated and torn apart- I'm the one stuck in the one-sided relationship. I'm done with that Elisa. I've told you that sice day one. I'm not made for those relationships. I thought we were different. And if you can let go so easily then..." He forced out the few more sentences. "Then I'm here to let you knwo that I'm done with these shitty one sided realtionships. I'm the one who gets hurt. And the one who gets blamed. And everything." He calemd down. His voice had climaxed. Declimaxing with the volume and momentum. He swallwoed looking at me for the first time. "So, I guess this is goodbye."

I was speechless. Not believing this was happening. The silence overtook me.

He turned and started walkign away. Then I felt it. One more tug. And it was gone. My chest felt this surging, striking, deadly pain. I felt suddenly one word creep up. "Bennett..." I said. Loudly enough to stop him ofr only a short second. He got into his car. I started making my way slowly down towards him. My feet were so slow waiting for him to turn around. retrace his steps.

He started his car and backed away. Looking at me there. Seeing my maintaining whatever strength I had. And he looekd away from me pullign away and going back behidn the red door.

That's when it happened. My heart died. It had been broken. Surviving only one this one chance that'd he'd come back. Coem back to me. Retrace the steps he took. And come back. Take me into his arms and hold me. My legs buckled underneath me and I sank to the front steps of my house. I wrapped one arm around the pole cowering agaisnt it. A tiny shape in this big silent world. And for the first time hot water sprang from my eyes.

The last time I had cried this hard was probably when my father left. I was back to that moment. I had sunken to the ground, I remembered. And cried like this. Silently and endlessly. The hot water salting my wounds and burning my skin. He was gone. My heart was broken for the first time. And no sound escaped me. The silent world had won the war. Taken over my life and destroyed me. I had had twelve minutes to prepare and it came out of nowhere.

I felt no hatred in my being. I just hated myself.


	74. Chapter 74

Chapter 74

I was in a pit of hot tar. I moved around my house slowly fighting. The world pushing in on me all around me. I was dealing with all of this pressure. All of this hot tar just engulfing me into this vortez of emptiness. I was hollowed out on the inside. My mother came home finding me sitting again my bed on my floor. Wrapped up into a tiny ball. My eyes were red and blotchy. Like I had been punched in them- I would have preferred any pain other than this.

She remained silent for a few seconds. My CDs were untouched. I couldn't touch my stereo. The mix-CD he had given me last week was in there. I couldn't read. That e. e. cummings book had his handwriting in it. I couldn't speak. He had slit my vocal chords. And I couldn't feel. All I had ever felt he had taken away.

My mother knew. For the first time she did what I wanted her to. She was my mother for a few minutes. "Oh Elisa..." And she helped me up and hugged me. Her arms not the same as the ones that held me together, but they were the ones that let me know someone in the world actually cared in the least likely place. I didn't cry I just closed my eyes and fought down the hot water. It was like torturing myself. "I'm so sorry." She whispered.

I skipped work a couple times. Calling in sick. I skipped school for a few days but my mother finally forced me to move on. I tried. Five days I had distanced myself from reality. And now she was pushing me back into the world. As my mother. She dropped me off at work. And was going ot come back to drive me to school. Making sure I went.

I put on my apron. And when I saw Becky. Her neon blue nails glittering. She forced a weak smile. And hugged me. Cass had hugged me for so long. She had been my sister when I told her. And she apologized. I don't know why people do. Apologize. I was dumped. That's the right word. Dumped.

I made coffee for people. Trapped in a daze. The World. Was. Now. Numb. And I was just a piece of rubber in the middle of everything.

* * *

When I saw Rainie I had ducked behind the curtain. Listening to her asking if I was working. Becky said no. Rainie asked if she could please jsut talk to me. Becky said no. Rainie asked if she could try and help me. Becky said no. That's when I could hear Paul. "Come on, Rain, you can't fix everything."

Then I heard it. The distress the pain the hurt in her voice. "But I have to fix this." She said.

"Come on, Rain," And then the bells rang twice as the door shut them out finally. I peeked out seeing them. He held her close and she leaned against him. Like at the Sunday Drive concert. He held her up.

I needed somebody to hold me up. But there was something I needed to do first.

I walked down the Senior hallway. Everyone watched me. Their eyes traveling down ahead of me. Seeing where I was heading. And I stopped at a locker. His. I knew for sure. And I took out an envelope and slid it in.

Then kept wlaking. Forcing my feet to carry me. The halls watched me with paralyzing eyes. I was alone now wherever I went.

I had Cass. I had Miles. I had Becky. I had my mother. I had Amber. And of all things, I had an empty seat across from me. Across the room. Nobody said anything. It's been five days. And that seat is empty. Cass noticed me watching that seat. Starign at it. Hoping he would appear. Smile at me wekaly or something. But it remined empty. Until Cass at down across from me. And I couldn't see that desk anymore.

This was Day Six.

And the summary of Day Seven. And Day Eight without the school part and just adding Amber. I'd wake up each morning with my eyes numb. It got better. I had Twelve Days. Twelve Days without him. Like that last Twelve Minutes. But I was able to heal enough. So that when I caught a glimpse of him finally it killed me. But I didn't drop dead.

I was already dead inside. On the outside I was a zombie.

People didn't stop staring. And they didn't stop talking.

"Elisa Simmons is pregnant."

"I heard, Elisa Simmons slept with Paul Spinella once when they got wicked drunk, and Rainie didn't find out but Bennett did. So he dumped Elisa. And I bet her and Paul are going ot be going around for a while now. Someone shoudl tell Rainie. She'll fuckign hate Elisa- ten bucks she stays with Paul though. Elisa's such a slut."

"That kid Sean whose best friends with Bennett, broke up with his girlfriend for Elisa but she didn't know what to do so she dumped Bennett and now Sean's going out with that Senior from Coolen."

"Bennett got Christine pregnant and she got an abortion so they aren't talking anymore."

"Elisa Simmons is gay."

They were all stupid. I wasn't pregnant. I wasn't gay. I would never sleep with Paul Spinella or date Sean. I was jsut a zombie. Hearing all of these whispers. These words. "Pregnant... slept with... Bennett... Rainie... lesbian... whore... emo... abortion last week... Dave Mandeville." The rumors got worse when Dave was invloved. Because he started hearing I liked him again. And he called me.

"Hey Elisa, it's Dave. I heard about you and Bennett and I'm so sorry about you too. You really cared about him. And if you need to talk to someone about it, you know I'm always here for you. Okay, call me back if you want to. Goodbye." That's what his message said.

On the Twelfth Day I was driving home from Cass', I came to our streetlight. And I stopped at the stopsign. I started driving again, but I caught a tall skinny figure in my headlights. We both stopped. And he jsut looekd at me. His eyes dark marbles from where I was sitting. He smiled a little. And started walking, lifting a hand to wave. I jsut stared at him.

My heart was dead so there was no pain. Just numbness. My body was always so cold. Twelve Days I was alone. And I've been alone ever since.

* * *

**A/N:**_ Now I don't say this much but I check in a lot with the new stuff on this catagory, and I was reading this new story by this girl. Niki FM. Check it out. It's a pretty cool story I think._ **Now, I haven't been writing this a lot. But I hope this chapter was alright. Which coupel did you like better Rainie and Paul or Elisa and Bennett or any other coupel in these stories. I'm curious. I stand by Rainie and Paul. **

_BTW: Once this is done ten bucks there will be a "Perfect Kisses" Rewrite._


	75. Chapter 75

Chapter 75

I was lying in bed that night. Seeing him, I felt nothing. Within me. But I couldn't feel my heart trying to beat quickly but the pain was too much. My stomach was making me feel sick when it started to fill with butterflies. And my skin felt slimy and my insides were all unraveled. I closed my eyes. I had cried enough over him.

There was an image I had burned into my head when I told Amber I was seeing Bennett. When he was standing at my lawn smilign at me. I was shocked to say that boy was the same as I had jsut seen. It must have just been my mind but he was new. He looked like he was close to collapsing seeing me. And I must have been the same. His smile was fake. Everything I used to run through that recent image of him in my head was so different. He was having a hard time too.

The voices in my head took over. No. He just sees what a mess I am. He doesn't care. He has anything. He has all these girls tht would kill to have what I once had. Even that first conversation. They would slit their wrists and drop dead to have that. But I had another year ahead of me. Another year alone. He had college or anything he wanted. I was here. I was a year younger.

He was right. It was better to just have broken up then.

Fuck love. I'm done. I'm sick lying here soaking up in my own patheticness. I could have loved him. Sure. I could have loved Dave too. What makes them any different. I fell for the same thing I did with Dave but with The Bennett Williams. The Emo Faggot. The Prick.

Bennett.

I rolled over. My back to where he used to lseep next to me. I closed my eyes. He was haunting me. I knew it.

* * *

I was at work. Cass was waiting for me. Sitting drinking coffee with Miles. The door rang. And of all people Rainie walked in. "Elisa," She said. Relieved and desperate. She came ot me at the counter. Becky looked over at me. Offering a helping hand. But no.

"Hi," I said to Rainie. "Can I help you?"

"Look," She said weakly. "Elisa, I didn't mean for all of that to happen. He misunderstood. He didn't let me explain. And we didn't know where he went. We tohught he just drove off. But God, we were so dumb." I froze listening to her. "He was so hurt, and he just overreacted. Can you just please talk to him?"

I swallowed. "No," I said. "I can't."

"But why?" She asked. "He won't go to you. He's-"

"Rainie," I said looking down at the counter. "It's over between me and him." I had said it. I felt Cass watching me. Her eyes wide. Rainie's were too. Begging me to take that back. Even Becky.

Rainie finally looked down at the counter. She looked up. "He's a mess," She said. "He won't talk to Paul, and he's getting hammered every night and skipping school and skipping practices. He forgot his cell phone at Paul's and theres about seven messages from his mother over the past four days asking him if he's okay... Elisa-"

I tightened my jaw. Gritting my teeth. Hearing this. "Rainie," I said. "Please, I can't hear this."

She stared at me. "Do you blame me?" Her voice so small.

"I never did," I said. "It's my fault. We're better off."

She shook her head. Then looked at me. "He got fired from his job too. He's fucked up again Elisa. Can you please just talk to him? Try and make everything better by a little bit?"

I nodded. Not knowing if I'd be able to go through with it. I couldn't because the next day he was back at school. Everyone was talking about him. Christine was back with the rumors. And this time their was proof, he had cut his hair a lot shorter. It showed a hickey on his neck. I assumed it was becuase of all the rumors. And it confirmed it.

We were better off.

* * *

I was going ot my locker. It had only been about two and a half weeks after Bennett and I broke up when this boy came up to me. His name was Matthew and he was emo and cute and in my grade. He had been talking to me a lot this past week. Texting me. And people were starign at me funny when he came up to me. He msiled a little and tlaked ot me. He was really nice. And he just asked me to prom.

There was no way in hell I thought I'd be asked to prom by anyone after this. But even thoguh I was suprised and flattered. I said I couldn't. He understood too. Which made it all a little worse. I opened my locker finally and there was an envelope in it. On the top shelf. I looked at it. It was identical to the one I had let go of two weeks ago. I opened it and there was a silver chain in it. It probably hadn't even been opened. This envelope.

I shoved it back into my locker.

He was back again.

He was everywhere in my life. I finally went into my room and put all of his mix-CDs into a ziploc bag and stuck them behind my stereo. I took the little turtle and the Get Up Kids CD and everything he had given me and put it in a backet on my top shelf. The books. The poems. The songs. The words. The turtle. Everything. Except for the box. Because I couldnt' move it. I didn't even knowwhat was inside. I left it where it was in the center of my vanity. Starign at it wondering if I could have gotten the chance ot open it if he hadn't misunderstood whatever Rainie had said to him.

I touched it. The wooden bok. Lifting it up. Shaking it. There was no sound in it. The box was empty. That's all I had left of him. An empty box next to my empty chest. Everything else was wiped out of my life for now.

In Englsih I sat with my back to him. At lunch I sat outside with Cass and Miles. I never drove past IHOP. Or passed Cherry Street. When I saw red doors I ignored them. And I found myself finally doing the last thing to stop it all from haunting me like it had been. I took my Sunday Drive record, the one we had made love to, and had once loved ourselves and I put that with the rest of the stuff that haunted me every moment of everyday.

And I moved on slowly. My body still numb. I lived in a world full of ghosts now. Everything reminded me of something. I'd lay in bed alone. Remembering how he smelled. And how his hand felt in mine. I couldn't forget him. The stuff all gatherign dusk on my top shelf was still there. But the places in my life he had left no physical mark on were still haunting me.

I'd turn a corner and see the classroom where I broke up with Dave for me for him. And the pond where we used to drive and listen to records when I would drive to Miles' house.

There were people like jonah who would come up to me and say hello. Ask me how I was. He didnt' joke and ask me to date him. He just asked me if I was okay. And said that we should hang out soon. But he was graduating. I was stuck in high school. Just like with everyone else leaving Kerrignton. We had no time left to be friends really.

When I saw Rainie she'd come up to me and say hello. And not mention anything about him. She was jsut trying to be friendly.

Paul would say hello to me too. Sean would say hello. And with Becky we were still really good friends. We had finals. And I studied in the library. The rumors about Bennett sleeping with all these girls were back. The words "emo faggot" told me hwne I needed to hurry away. When I was at my locker, it happened again.

Except with someone more familiar. We jsut talked a little. "Some friends and I are going to prom and stuff. We're just going to hang out there. Rent a limo and stuff. LAme shit like that. But I heard you're nto goign with anyone, and if you aren't oging with any of your friends or anyone else... we could go as friends. I mean prom was pretty lame last year but you know, who knows. Everyone has to have this expirience."

I looked at him. Dave Mandeville. I rolled it over in my head. "I don't know," I said. "I'll think about it."

"Really?" He smield a little. Not being rejected. "Cool, jsut call me or let me know. It won't suck I promise."

I smiled a little. Fake. It hurt to msile. "Okay, yeah, sure." I said.

And I was alone. I looked back into my locker. I saw an envelope haunting me again in the back of my locker. I swallowed and reahced out for it. I opened it. Lettign the little silver chain slip into my hand. I missed it, but it proved ot be a stranger.

That night I looked into the mirror. I saw a stranger. I was pale. Dark haired. I didn't see who I once saw. She was dead. I looked at my neck. Touching the small key. I shut my eyes. And took it off. The necklace. I went over to the box.

I pushed the key into the hole. I turned. There was a click and the top popped open. And there was another envelope taped to the bottom. He was leaving these clues in my life. He would never stop. There would probably be an address. With another box and I owuld have had to wait for another key. And another. I only had one. It's all I would ever get.

And I was done with these signs. I put the necklace into the box. And put it on the shelf in my closet next to that basket. When I looked into the mirror. I was officially dead in my eyes.


	76. Chapter 76

Chapter 76

Cass was starign at me like I was Rachel. That look like I was a complete idiot and a phony. I looked back at her. "What?" I asked. I had told her about Dave asking me to prom. And me considering saying yes.

"One month ago you were this new person, and now you've become this completely hard bitch, no offense." She said. "You loved Bennett didn't you?"

I stared astonished back into her eyes. "What the hell?" I said loudly. "What's wrong with me going to prom?"

"With the guy who cheated on you, hurt you," She said ticking them off on her fingers. "And then you cheated right back and left him for Bennett Williams." She stared at me. "You don't see whats wrong with this at all do you?"

I shook my head. Angry suddenly. "I didn't love Bennett."

She rolled her eyes. "Stop lying Elisa." She said. "You're saying you're fine. You moved on. God, you never have a chance of moving on let alone this fast. Rainie came to me." I opened my mouth to interrupt. "She said Bennett's really fucking himself up right now. And you don't even seem to care."

I gritted my teeth. I do that a lot now. And I looked up at her. "Bennett doesn't care anymore." I said, "What the fuck am I supposed to do?"

"Do something!" She said. "You used to be so quiet and then he completely changes you and you become this. Elisa, you need to figure out what you want."

And it started all over again. What did I want? This time I didn't know the answer.

* * *

I sat outside of the school. Finishing my English final. I crossed my arms and looked out across the front of the school. I was waiting. And the door opened yet again. My hopes weren't so high anymore. But I heard the footsteps pause. I turned and he was there. We both jsut stared at eahc other. At least for now we were still in high school.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," He said back so softly. He looked at me hard. His eyes jsut taking me in. He didn't move. He just kept looking at me. My heart struggled ot beat. It twitched in my chest. Once a second. I felt the sharp pain that followed each movement. I stood up. Crossing my arms when I did loking down. My hair falling into my eyes.

"How are you?"

"Fine," I heard his voice crack. He swallowed. "What about you?"

"Fine," I said. My voice steadier. I forced a smile.

He looked down. Silently. His hands in his pockets. I inhaled. Forgettign to breather or just chosing not to. "Can we be friends?" I asked softly. He looked up. His eyes were just small brown marbles. Taking me in. I didn't look into them scared to discover if I could still ell what he was thinking or not.

"Yes," He said. "We can be friends."

"Okay," I said. I looked up forcing another smile. "I'll see you around."

I started walking. "Hey Elisa," He called. I turned my shoulders. y body pivoted away from him but I looked at him. He stared out over the school. Not lookign at me. "Do you remember when you asked me if I ever felt regret?"

"Yes," I turned towards him.

"I lied." He said. "I had no fucking idea what regret's like." He looked at me. "I'm so sorry Elisa."

I nodded. I turned and started walking. The cold ice in my veins melted. And he rubbed salt into my wounds. The salt entered my veins as well. The hot water came out and I started wlaking away swiftly. My feet carrying me away. Leaving him behind. I knew we couldn't be friends. That's like Rainie and Paul saying they didn't love each other. It's impossible. They could never mean it. We could never mean it. We could never fulfill it. They never could either.

* * *

I sat in my room. With my phone in my hand. I dug up his number dialing it. And waiting. Two rings and Dave answered. "Hello?" He said.

"Hey Dave about prom," I began. I closed my eyes. My chest ached so badly. Feeling regret. I lied. I had no fucking idea what regret's like. This is regret.

_I'm so sorry Elisa._


	77. Chapter 77

Chapter 77

I pulled into the feild. Seeing Cass. Her hair a sweet brown color. A dark one with a gold tint to it. She was wearing her purple dress. She looked so pretty. We had apologized and become friends again. I got out of my car pakring in the circle. The sky was lightening. And I started walking over to her and Miles. Everyone was still in their prom clothes.

I saw Rainie. She looked gorgeous. Wearing this bright yellow dress that made her stick out. Attached at the hip with Paul. She didn't overshadow him. He was there. Together. They were a perfect image. They were in love. The both shone equally. But I kept walking. Over to Cass.

She waved to me. "Hey," She said smiling.

I hugged her. "You look gorgeous," I said smiling at her weakly. "I'm jealous. I'm sorry I missed it."

She hugged me again. "I'm so sorry, Elisa." Those words rang in my ears as Cass' voice but I heard someone else's. "I didn't mean to be such a bitch to you."

"It's okay." I said. I smiled a little. "Things have gotten better."

That was a lie. I hadn't spoken to Bennett. I hadn't seen him. And he was officially graduated. I would probably never see him again. Maybe if fate allows it. But not now. I had to let life run it's course. We weren't meant to be. I hoped somehow whoever was waiting for me to come and find them was still waiting. I wanted what Rainie and Paul had. I wanted ot be connected to someone no matter what.

Miles came over to us. Smiling. Someone was blasting music and all of these drunk couples were dancing now. The sun rising. I watched them go out. And they danced. I think they have a chance. And I watched girls in bright dresses or dull ones dance. with whoever they let themselves love for tonight. We fall in and out of love I think.

Only a few times in our lives we find love that lasts through everything. And that is the love that we can never let go of. The love that tugs us in our chests till death stops it's beating. And I felt my heart beating lightly in my chest with hope. I looked watching the colors go by. I didn't care I was alone. Or would be until I could finally breathe without struggling.

In high school, I knew that Rainie and Paul were special. Lucky. They were just standing there. The way I had first seen then together and known. Her arms around his neck, his around her waist. They talked softly to eahc other. Nobody is ever that lucky. They were made for each other. They were meant to be together. And sometimes. Life is jsut life that. That's how fate is.

There is no reason. They just fit. They came together perfectly and lived through everythign together. The love eahc other more than anyone could probably. Bennett and I could have never beated the looks in their eyes right now. From far away I could see it. The lived for each other. They were in love. True love. I envied them of that yet again.

I saw his eyes. He was standing there. In a dark flannel shirt. He crossed his arms and looked at me. I watched him out of the corner of my eyes. He was still. Just watching. I felt a sharp pang in my chest. A burst of something. Air. But I kept my mouth closed tight. I'm not sure how that breathe entered my body.

I wanted to say goodbye to him. Wish him good luck at college or wherever he was fate had in store for him. I wanted to figure out what I was going to say to him. I wanted to tell him how much he had once meant to me. How much he'll always mean to me. But it just was never meant to be. We wanted different things. Things that couldn't happen no matter what. I could have loved him. And I may always jsut a little.

But it never amounted to anything like what Rainie and Paul were. They were meant to be. Even though now I could never see myself with anyone but Bennett, I knew that would pass. I wasn't over him. All I needed was time. I needed time to breathe and to think. I needed to figure out who I was. I needed to find that person he once showed me I could find inside of me.

The music stopped and changed to another and everyone came back. I started talking to Miles and Cass. miles going off to say hello to someone. And I was with Cass. My back to everyone talkign to her. Abotu how prom was. She stopped tohugh and looked over my shoulder. "Hey, I have to go tell Miles something really fast." She said.

"What-"

"Two minutes," She said. "Give him two minutes."

I turned. And I was led into a trap. Zapped by my own emotions. There was no warning he was right there. I felt a terror in me. Not of who he was. Bennett Williams. He was always Bennett to me now. It was jsut that I felt pure fear. I was scared not of the fact that he was approaching me but the fact that I was feeling something. And in one second my mind went numb. A different kind from the past one month, eight days, and twelve minutes.


	78. Chapter 78

Chapter 78

He came within five feet of me. "Hi," He said softly looking at me.

"Hi," I said softly back. I looekd at him. I kept my eyes locked with his. And I kept feeling. In short bursts. I jsut felt something. I looked at him. He smiled. "What?" I asked.

He took another step towards me. "I was jsut rememering the first time we talked. You looked at me the same exact way." He said. Then his face got soft. Gentle. His eyes so sweet tonight. "You look beautiful tonight, Elisa."

I looked down. Nodding. "Bennett," I said. "I'm sorry, but I can't hear you say things like that anymore."

"Why?" His voice so honest. I looked up at him. I held eye contact with him. This time when he sensed fear and terror in my eyes I wouldn't hide that from him. I couldn't stop looking into his eyes.

"We broke up," I said. "We would have never lasted. We both want so many different things. I jsut want you to knwo that I care about you still. I cared about you more than anyone I've ever met. And you were right. If we could have let go then, it was better that we broke up instead of now."

"What is now Elisa?" He asked. "I don't even know why you wanted to break up with me in the frist place."

I held my eyes there. It got easier. "You're going to college. I'm stuck here." I said. "I'll be here for another year. And I'm not going to be the one who holds you back. I could never do that to you. I care about you too much to hold you back like that. You could change so many people's lives. You changed mine. I mean, before we met I was a shy nobody. You made me become someone. You taught me how to really feel. And I never took you for granted once."

He was quiet. Not saying anything.

"What did Rainie tell you?" I asked suddenly curious.

"She said that you were going ot break up with me so I didn't have to." He said. He stepped closer again. "I can't believe I even let myself break up with you. I don't know why you could think that." He paused. "This whole thing was just over college?"

"Is that all she said?"

He paused. "No," He said. "I left and went to you before that. I couldn't force myself ot listen to it anymore." He shook his head. "I screwed up. So badly." He moved away. And was mad at himself. "I was so fucking stupid. I've been wasting myself wondering what went wrong. Waht happened. God, why didn't you tell me Elisa?"

I looekd at him. "I don't know," I said. "I didn't know what you would say. I didn't know if you would tell me something I didn't want to hear."

He looked at me. "Elisa-" He was hating himself for this.

"It wouldn't have worked out," I said to try and save things. It did nothing but hurt us more. "We wanted different things."

He looked at me. His eyes changed. I had jsut hit him somehow on the inside. He shook his head. "Elisa..." He said softly. "Yuo couldn't see it could you?"

I looked at him. Confused out of my mind.

"We've been practicing and writing. We got a call from this little recording thing asking us if we had enough stuff to do an EP. I mean in a little while we're going on a little tour. It's stupid, it's a long shot, but it's all I got. I'm throwing my life away on a stupid dream but all I want is to make it so I'm not gone. We are goign to try and do the band tihng. And if it doens't work out then, fuck we'll give up, but we're give it a try." He said sounding desperate and small. Bennett was never like this in all I'd ever known him. Except for on moment when he was the same person.

Telling me he couldn't let me use him if I wa.s And that he wanted what Paul had. To be the guy to beat the crap out of the "other guy" who was who Bennett was. Always. Until those words came out of my mouth. _This means everything._

I stared at him. My eyes wide. My heart throbbing with pain. My heart twitching- a corpse in my half living body.

"I'm not going to college Elisa." He said. "Not now. I mean, I don't even have the money to. My mom has been trying to save up for it, but it's jsut not enough. And my dad he is helping me with the band thing. And that's what I want to do. It's a stupid dream. And it'll probably end in me failing again, but you can't give up before you try."

I looekd at him. He stopped closer to me. I stepped back. He took another step. I stepped bakc again. My back pressed against a little fence. He put his hands on either side of me. "Elisa," He said. "I want to try. Becuase all I want is to be here with you. I can't live without you. I need you. I just... I'm-"

There was a burst of sound. We turned and looked. Paul slid out of his car. Right to Rainie. She was smiling. They kissed. In love. I saw what they were feeling. no I felt it in myself. My heart. I felt it. I looked at Bennett. I felt so small. I felt my own blood fill my viens in place of the icy water. And touched my face. My heart bursting to life in my chest pounding fast. So fast it barely moved at all. But I felt alive.

He lips were then right there. We started kissing. The sun rising. And we listened to the last Sunday Drive song we ever heard live. And all of this energy exploded within us. I felt it. I felt myself finally connecting to him. I had always been. But now I felt it. The string thattied my heart to his. And we moved apart. My hands in his hair. And he jsut looked at me. His eyes not darign to look into mine.

"Bennett," I said softly. He kissed the corner of my mouth. And then he leaned back. Looking at me. We were so close. He looked down at me. I opened my mouth to speak again. Only a tiny bit.

He beat me.

"I love you, Elisa." He said suddenly. "So much."

I smiled. Looking into his sweet brown eyes. "I love you more than anything." I said.

And he smiled kisisng me again. His arms around me. I was in love. We had finally caught up with Rainie and Paul.


	79. Chapter 79

Chapter 79

I was walking home. I do every last day of school. I was walking. And I made it under our streetlight when there was a car pulling up behind me. I stopped and turned. He parked on the curb and got out of his car. "You told me to pick you up a half hour late." He said smiling. "And I find you walking home. You had me scared to death."

I laughed. And he moved his arms around my waist kissing me. "I love you," He said softly agaisnt my lips.

I smiled looking at him. "I love you so much." I said.

He pushed hair out of my face. Adn he looked up. "This is where it all started huh?" He said.

"When you're a big rockstar will you remember this streetlight?" I asked. He looekd at me smiling. He kissed me again. And I moved my hands into his hair. And obvious yes.

He looked at me. Adn he was quiet. And I jsut looked back at him. I couldn't help but feeling so much love towards him. I had been so mistaken when I had thought I had loved Dave. This was love. I've loved Bennett since March 19. And I'll probably never stop. You can never let go of your first love.

I understand everything Rainie has ever said about Paul. I understand the word love. And there is no feeling in the world I'd rather trade for this. I am in love.

Bennett Williams was alwyas there in my yearbooks. Smiling. The first picutre of a baseball guy like he had always said he had been. But there was a sudden transformation. He turned into the person I can never let go of or live without. I fell in love with an "emo faggot" undenreath this streetlight. And in my seat in English. And at a Death Cab for Cutie show. And over Catcher in the Rye. And the night he brought back two people that belonged together.

Those people he saved brought us back together. Rainie still will never forgive herself. But we will keep forgiving her as long as we have to. I think it makes her feel better to see us like this. When we are perfect copies of them. But so different at the same time. so youngto this and new. We've been in love for a short while, but we're almost a year behind them when it comes to the amount og love we have for eahc other. But we're quickly gaining. Because every second of everyday I spend awake, asleep, alone, with him, without him, listening to Sunday Drive, or the radio. I'm falling even more in love. And the same is happening to him.

I went from being a shy silent nobody to the person I was always held back from. By my mother and people like Dave. But all I needed was one. To breathe life in to me and make me who I am.

I owe him everythign for that.

It's summer. And we spent the first few breathes of it under a streetlight we remember perfectly from a night in the middle of November. Cold. November. Whatever the world throws at us now I hope we can survive. Because if we can survive ourselves and the winter and Kerrington we can probably face the world.

I don't knwo what fate has in store for us, or if fate even exists anymore. Because if the universe was lay out to any plan I'm not sure if this is always a part of it. There are probably moments here in there where there is a glitch. And we make the paths we take. I think that's what brought me to Bennett. because with all that happened, I have a feeling the world had a plan for me to fall in lvoe with someone else. But Bennett was the one that found me. Or I found him. Anyways, we found each other.

And I jsut hope that this love that we found in each other and for each other, lasts.

But we jsut stood there silent in a silent world. Not saying anything, but saying it all.

I had found everything that made me this person who stands there in love, with meaning, purpose and a future, in the last place I would have ever looked. That's the secret to everything. The universe isn't controlled by anything. You just need to allow yourself to stumble upon whatever is in you path. Because you might find all you are waiting for in the last place you look.

* * *

**A/N: Thank you to everyone who reviewed to much. And read these 79 chapters and almost 110,000 words. And felt and lived with me. You make this worth wild. I never thought I would reach a point like this in my writing. I'm not sure what is left in store for me. But I want you to know that there is so much left for me to do. I'm going to just say thank you again.**

**These two stories were an amazing expirience. I started them when I was listening to my favorite band and reason I am here's new record. I had such strong images for some of the characters but my favorites ended up being the characters I thoguht out the least. And who reflect myself the most. There will be rewrites somewhere in the future. Maybe more than that is in store who knows.**

**But thank you. You give me all so much hope for my future. I hope someday I'll be able to reach even more people like all of you. you have no idea how much your reviews ot views mean to me. Thankyouthankyoutankyou. I have another project underway. And I hope you guys keep reading. I won't give up on you now. **

**Love Always.**

**Jasey Ray.**


	80. Epilogue

Epilogue.

He sat on my floor. And I put a record on. One we were so familiar with. He smiled watching me. I came over an sat next to him, our backs againt the side of my bed. I leaned on him. His head then leaned against mine. There to hold each other up no matter what. He'd turned his lips ot kiss the top of my head when certain words were sung. But we jsut listened.

I looked across the room at this folded piece of paper. It's taped to my wall. So I can always see it. It's more than a part of me. It's a quick sentence. A fast one. One that means nothing to anyone- even someone whose been in love or is. I looked at him. He smiled at me softly. "What?" He asked softly. Half-whispering.

I kissed the corner of his mouth. "I love you,"

"I love you, too."

And we fell silent again. Taken over by a subtle silence. We fought all our lives against this silence, but when we are together the battle's always won. He took my hand in his and squeezed it gently. We went back to where we were. My head agaisnt his shoulder and his head leaning agaisn mine. We listened to Sunday Drive. Their first record. The record we fell in love to. Reading a sentence that stands true for both of us.

_I fell in love with you under a streetlight._

* * *

**A/N: I'm surprised nobody ever wondered what was in that box.** _I always did._


End file.
